STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Metric · Gucci

bff trouble

Hermione · Kate Spade

Sometimes that happens when friends get in relationships - unfortunately, I know I have been that friend before. I always mean to call my other friends, or write back, or see them, but somehow it never happens - maybe because my relationship takes up so much of my time and attention that if i DO get a spare moment, I just want to be able to relax and be alone - and then the longer you wait to talk to someone, the harder it gets b/c it's embarassing or whatever.
But in my mind, I was still bff with that person or good friends with those people the whole time. Luckily my friends are/ were forgiving, b/c i hate that I was like that.
I wouldn't say anything before the wedding - not directly, anyway - her emotions are probably running high with that coming up and it may end up turning into something that would separate the two of you or change your relationship forever.
If I were you, I would just show up at her house with something that you could "drop off" like some wedding mags, or something you baked, or whatever, and if she's available at that time you could say "hey let's look at these together" or something and if not, more of a "hey, i've been thinking about you and miss you, anyway thought you might enjoy these." does that make sense? like just kindof start putting yourself in a situation to spend time with her instead of waiting for her to respond.
it might get her back in the habit of talkign to you -
also, are you sure her FB tone is pissed? she might just be trying to cover up for the fact that she's embarassed she never responded to you - I would just say something like - no problem, when's a good time? she probably won't respond to that, but then do your sneak attack besty time like I said and see how it works out.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

I am a very confrontational person (in a good way, I don't like to fester when things can be dealt with) so if I were you I would just call and if she doesn't answer leave a vm, and if she doesn't call back keep calling at least a couple of times. There is no use in "facebooking" a friend of 8 years who is in your bridal party! That's redic to reduce the means of communication to a freaking message board. I think she tried to place blame on you by making it like you didn't respond. Maybe someone's phone isn't working? Who knows.

I also would not hesitate to do it before the wedding bc if things are tense now, they will only get worse, and why be tense during a wonderful time that you are supposed to be sharing together. At the same time, why are you investing all of this time and money into someone who won't even return a phone call?

It seems like she is in a personal rut, if she's brushing you off that would be one thing but she is also brushing off the wedding obligations so that makes me think it runs deeper than a you + her thing. I think talking to her is the only way you'll know though.

Suasoria · Chanel

Xtina brings up a good point - there may be more going on with her than alienating herself from you. It's hard to fathom a bride-to-be NOT being all over the wedding party, even a small wedding party of just two handmaidens.

What about a shower? Is that in the works? Would that be an icebreaker if you called her up and asked if you could start planning a bridal shower together?

Are you close to her mom, or the other b'maid? Maybe they'd give you some insight?

I agree with Hermione about waiting until after the wedding (if one happens) to air your grievances. I was comparatively laid-back about my wedding but I think I would have flipped out if one of my oldest, closest friends wanted to create this kind of conflict for me. Even if she's usually the nicest person in the world, I wouldn't expect her to be sensitive to your needs and state of mind just now, and trying to clear the air with someone who is probably very stressed out is a recipe for more problems.

Not getting an invitation yet at T minus eleven weeks seems totally normal. If it's T minus four to six weeks, and still no invitation, that's not normal IMO.

relrel · Marc Jacobs

I got major issues with a best friend who doesn't have the ability to call or text but simply uses FB. That's a total avoidance tactic.

Is this the friend that got out a marriage and then shortly thereafter met a new fellow and got engaged? I seem to recall that she's always been sorta flaky. I would see if you can get together with her (perhaps just arrive at her house unannounced at a time when you know she's usually around) and see how that goes.

Perhaps she's getting cold feet and that's why the wedding stuff isn't getting done?

blubirde · Chanel

I don't know her but from what you're describing, it sounds like something is going on with her. I can't imagine someone not involved in wedding planning (esp. bm dresses!) with less than 3 months to go before the wedding. Not only that but could she pissed at you for some reason? I'm not saying you did anything (wrong or otherwise), but maybe it's a perceived slight of some kind? I know I only pull back from friends when something is bothering me. It might not be something big enough that I want to call them out on it, but it might be something that keeps me from calling or meeting up like I used to. Conversely she could be perceiving your annoyance with her (for not being the best of friends) and trying to avoid the big "why?" discussion.

Either way, I'd talk with her about it, and if it were me, I'd do it before her wedding, preferably as soon as possible. I say before her wedding because it would suck if all of this baggage were involved in her happy day. If she's really your BFF, her wedding should be a special memory for all of you to share. Bad juju and negative emotions could mar the day for you and her.

Metric · Gucci

relrel wrote:

I got major issues with a best friend who doesn't have the ability to call or text but simply uses FB. That's a total avoidance tactic.

Is this the friend that got out a marriage and then shortly thereafter met a new fellow and got engaged? I seem to recall that she's always been sorta flaky. I would see if you can get together with her (perhaps just arrive at her house unannounced at a time when you know she's usually around) and see how that goes.

No unfortunately this is a different friend. I would expect something like that from my flaky friend but not from her.

My Mom brought up a really good point...BFF's grandmother passed away in February and we think she has been suffering from depression since then. I think that probably has a lot to do with it and its so much something I'm doing.
Her fiance dragged his feet on proposing to her until she gave him an ultimatium. When her grandmother passed away, she was devistated because her grandmother won't see her get married. She actually told her fiance this was his fault for not proposing sooner. eeek hmm

But still, I really don't know how to help her or deal with these issues we have between us.

Hermione · Kate Spade

Ok, if she's depressed that makes alot of sense. You need to drag her out of the house as her friend and get her out and moving around. Otherwise, she will sink into this alone and it will get worse.
Also, is she resentful now of her fiance? Sounds like it. Is she sure she still wants to marry him? I don't know if you can say anything about that but I'm wondering.
Anyway, besides forcing her to get out and about, as one of her two bridesmaids, you need to say to her (friendly!) "Look, if this wedding is going to happen we need to get cracking. Let me see your lists" - and just start helping her and don't wait for her to ask for it.
You really will have to show up at her house or job I think. She will drag her feet at first but later she will be grateful that she had a friend who was willing to pull her out of her depression without being asked.
Poor girl. What a tough time.