STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

atlgirl · Gucci

My mother...

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

just talk to her like nothing's wrong and you're not bugged by her. it'll drive her crazy that she can't get to you and she'll keep up the passive aggressive behavior at first but if you refuse to engage, she'll stop. like so what if she sounds annoyed. when you call her back be pleasant, in a good mood and even if her p/a behavior is driving you to distraction, just don't let her see it. she'll get over it eventually.

p.s. this is a shot in the dark but do you have an inferiority complex when it comes to your mom? like you think you'll never be as good as her or something? This quote just set off warning bells in my head:

"Maybe it's just that I will never be as supremely organized as my mother is..."

Anyway, if I'm right and you do have some kind of inferiority complex when it comes to your mom, try to deal with that and then all the little p/a moves of hers will literally roll right off your back.

good luck!

Suasoria · Chanel

It sounds like she misses you. It also sounds like she's pretending you're still close, both physically and emotionally - hence all the minutiae of her day, her travel schedules, and so on.

A long time ago there was a thread about how often we talk to our mothers on the phone. I was surprised at how many said they talk to mom every day or even every other day - I don't think this is healthy for everyone. You're allowed to have as much distance between you two as you want.

In some respects it's true that we teach people how we want to be treated, whether we're aware of it or not. So I think you can "re-train" her about the boundaries of your relationship. I guess that's what's worked for me, even though my mom isn't domineering, exactly. She's extremely self-absorbed so whenever we talk on the phone it's all. about. her. I'm used to it, and I only call her (back) when I'm in the mood for this sort of marathon. Eventually she got out of the habit of calling all the time, and now she has other people in her life who will feed her ego, so I'm somewhat off the hook.

atlgirl · Gucci

esquiress wrote:

just talk to her like nothing's wrong and you're not bugged by her. it'll drive her crazy that she can't get to you and she'll keep up the passive aggressive behavior at first but if you refuse to engage, she'll stop. like so what if she sounds annoyed. when you call her back be pleasant, in a good mood and even if her p/a behavior is driving you to distraction, just don't let her see it. she'll get over it eventually.

p.s. this is a shot in the dark but do you have an inferiority complex when it comes to your mom? like you think you'll never be as good as her or something? This quote just set off warning bells in my head:

"Maybe it's just that I will never be as supremely organized as my mother is..."

Anyway, if I'm right and you do have some kind of inferiority complex when it comes to your mom, try to deal with that and then all the little p/a moves of hers will literally roll right off your back.

good luck!

Thanks, esquiress. Unfortunately, I've been acting like it doesn't bother me all my life. So I guess Mom has no clue that it *is* bothering me. And since I'm 40, I don't think she's likely to change her behavior any time soon.

Inferiority complex - I probably used to have a decent-sized one. It's not so much anymore...but the subtext of a lot of her comments to me are that I'd have more time if I / we was / were more organized. My mother is more organized than anyone I know - possibly a little OCD about it, and she was worse when I was younger. And I think she thinks everyone's world should run as smoothly as hers does. It's been about eight years since she's retired, and I feel like she's forgotten how busy life can be when people actually have to work. ~wry smile~

I think what's bugging me is that I'm really irritated with her; lately much more than usual. I'm not sure where that's coming from and I thought I was past getting bothered at her p/a behavior...apparently, not so much sometimes!

atlgirl · Gucci

Suasoria wrote:

It sounds like she misses you. It also sounds like she's pretending you're still close, both physically and emotionally - hence all the minutiae of her day, her travel schedules, and so on.

A long time ago there was a thread about how often we talk to our mothers on the phone. I was surprised at how many said they talk to mom every day or even every other day - I don't think this is healthy for everyone. You're allowed to have as much distance between you two as you want.

In some respects it's true that we teach people how we want to be treated, whether we're aware of it or not. So I think you can "re-train" her about the boundaries of your relationship. I guess that's what's worked for me, even though my mom isn't domineering, exactly. She's extremely self-absorbed so whenever we talk on the phone it's all. about. her. I'm used to it, and I only call her (back) when I'm in the mood for this sort of marathon. Eventually she got out of the habit of calling all the time, and now she has other people in her life who will feed her ego, so I'm somewhat off the hook.

I know my parents both miss me. And I miss them...but I don't have the spare time to be so attentive to my mother's daily needs. And to be honest, even if I did, there are other things in my life that are a priority, too. I feel like Mom wants to be the only priority sometimes.

I remember that thread, and I think my response was something like, "not as often as my mother would prefer". If I don't write or call at least once a week, I get inundated with messages that clearly indicate she's unhappy with me not being available. Her e-mails are nicer, but she tends to ask a lot of superfluous questions in order to try and make me write back quickly. Or she'll write DH at work and ask him if everything's okay...graah.

Maybe just taking a longer amount of time to call her back is what I need to do. At least that will give me more time to get over the icky feeling of being a disappointing kid and I'll be in a better mood when we do talk. It's not like there's anything that needs to be discussed before they (and we) go on our vacations tomorrow, so I'll wait until I have more time at my disposal - I have two days to myself whlie DH is working during this trip - and call her then.

Elle · Hermes

atlgirl wrote:

Maybe just taking a longer amount of time to call her back is what I need to do. At least that will give me more time to get over the icky feeling of being a disappointing kid and I'll be in a better mood when we do talk. It's not like there's anything that needs to be discussed before they (and we) go on our vacations tomorrow, so I'll wait until I have more time at my disposal - I have two days to myself whlie DH is working during this trip - and call her then.

I think this is your best bet. My mother and I have some similar issues in our relationship, only things came to a head (not because of this issue, exactly) and I did not take her calls for about 10 months. I'd listen to her messages far enough to figure out that it was just another message and that nothing was truly wrong, and I'd delete it. Now we are speaking again, and though our converstations are still about her day to day crap, I have tried to let go of my expectations of her and just let it be what it is. I only call or take her call when I'm in the mood to deal. It helps my mental state alot!

I'm not suggesting that you do what I did and not talk to her at all, but I'd start talking only when you want to talk, ignore random messages and/or come up with standard one-liner emails to reply to her rambly ones, etc. If she calls you on it (aka in passive-aggressive land as acting put out because you don't loooove her anymore, you ungrateful child) be as frank as possible. I'd hope with long enough of you pulling back from her a bit that she'd start to collect other people around her to share some of the burden? Hopefully? At least that burden won't be primarily yours anymore.

-- Edited by Elle at 10:03, 2008-05-20

member · Hermes

-- Edited by shopchicago33 at 12:05, 2008-05-20

jj · Kate Spade

Could you set up a scheduled weekly call day/time with her? My friend does this with her mom who drives her bananas. It has eliminated the stalking calls and complaints that she doesn't have time for her.

Also, I think a HUGE problem with being retired is boredom. My mom used to run my dad's company, and now that she doesn't, I think of creative suggestions to keep her busy. Luckily, we live in the same town, so she is happy to pick up things for me when she is out and about - it's awesome! She also

- volunteers on her homeowners association board
- volunteers in her local police department office and coordinates all the other volunteers
- takes exercise classes every morning with her friends
- plans all my dad's travel (he travels about once/week)

Anyway, just some thoughts!

atlgirl · Gucci

Thanks to everyone who replied. I did try to call my mom last Tuesday when we were at the airport, waiting for the flight...just got vm on her cell and I didn't leave a message. I haven't tried again, nor has she. I actually (for once) don't feel too guilty about it. I think they're back home now so I'll try her again this week. I guess if she's pissed, she'll just have to figure out what to do about it. I'm sure she will let me know, one way or another.

You girls have made me feel a bit better about mine and her needs for conversation not matching up...on some level I guess I've always felt that Mom still really controls our relationship with her passive-aggressiveness, and I do resent that. I need to find a better way of handling it.

JJ, it's funny that my mom actually does a lot of the things you mention - she's already involved with several organizations and associations in their town. She volunteers for the Red Cross. She does "secret shopping" for a couple of companies. She and my dad travel. She goes to the Y for workouts...apparently all that is just not enough...!

blubirde · Chanel

You know, atlgirl, I've been thinking about your situation for awhile now. I'm not sure if it would work for you but I thought I'd tell you my solution to my communication problems with my mother: I call her everyday. It sounds counter-intuitive, I know, but it's made our interactions sooo much better. I usually call her on the way home from work and keep it very brief, no more than 5, maybe 10 minutes if there's something to say. Usually it's a brief 2 or 3 minute phone call. She no longer calls me wandering why I don't call her back and when we do talk, she's so much more pleasant than she used to be. I'm guessing this is kind of the same rationale as a "set" time to call once a week or whenever but for us, it works better every day. I've tried the once a week bit and it ends up being tedious and cumbersome, not to mention I have to try a lot harder in the conversation than I do when I ask what she did that day and tell some little story about work or Oprah or whatever (like I do on our daily conversations).

Also, I always call her. I don't like having to be available when she calls (not because I don't want to be but because I'm busy and I don't want to deal with the "where are you" voicemail), and I like being in control of the conversation, which I feel I am when I initiate the telephone call.

So anyway, I know calling everyday is not what you want to do, but you might be surprised how small, quick conversations can avoid the hassle of mom guilt and bad communication. HTHs!

Suasoria · Chanel

This is a great suggestion since it cuts the "bad daughter" argument off at the knees!

atlgirl · Gucci

Thanks, Blubirde...but I can't imagine calling my mother every single day. I work from home, and my cell doesn't work here, so it would be from our land line, which 1. doesn't leave me "hands free" to talk - we've tried different head sets, and none seem to work well with our phones. No one can hear me - and 2. will add up the LD charges a on our bill if I call every day. It's not possible to keep my mom to five minutes without probably having her get offended that I can only spare a short amount of time...usually when we talk regularly our conversations are 30+ minutes, at least. I'll say, "Well, I've got to go" but then she throws in all sorts of (unnecessary) things into the conversation to keep the calls going, and I would feel rude to cut her off when she's doing that.

I do think maybe figuring out some set time during the week for me to call her - on my time, like you say - will work better. Maybe I should start leaving snarky vm's if I call regularly and can't get a hold of her...(j/k).

Thanks again for your help, girls. I'm still quite frustrated by the whole thing, but your advice has helped some.