STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Rant/question- SUPER long sorry. I need to vent!


Coach

Status: Offline
Posts: 1915
Date:
Rant/question- SUPER long sorry. I need to vent!
Permalink Closed



SORRY SO LONG!! This is going to be a rant/question. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 years and we are going to get married. My problem is his family-Not so much his mother and father and siblings- but his aunts, uncles, grandparents (and there is a lot of them). They did not like me from the beginning because I am not a "good Christian" girl. My family has never really gone to church and that makes me a bad person in their eyes. Even though I have never smoked a cigarette, done any drugs and I have drunk twice in my life-both times were at a wedding and I was 21. I volunteer about 4 days a week at homeless shelters, animal shelters, meals on wheels-all kind of stuff. Here is where the problem comes in- his grandmother is a total bitch to me. Especially about the money my family has and how much I spend on my clothes (as if that is any of her business!!) Before I came along my boyfriend thought J.C Penny was the only place to buy suits at. His grandmother will make little comments or as she calls them "jokes" about my spending habits. The final straw came last night when I was at my boyfriendís parentís house for his sisterís birthday. I get along really well with his younger sister. I got her a Cynthia Rowley bag and a shirt from Ella Moss, being an idiot I forgot to take the price tag off the shirt. When his grandmother looked at the shirt and saw that is was $86.00 she said "Wow for $86.00 I hope this shirt also does your taxes" and then when on to talk about how kids have no respect for money. I then looked at his grandmother and told her that "I want Karin (my boyfriends sister) to know that K-Mart isnít the only place that sells clothing." She didnít really say much and then the rest of the night she gave me the silent treatment-as if that was a bad thing. After we left my boyfriend was a little pissed that I acted that way. I told him to suck it. I am not going to family events anymore to be treated like shit by his family. He never sticks up for me or neither do his parents. I told him forgot anymore family functions. I would rather spend the holidays entirely with my family who I very much like spending time with and who have also been very nice to my boyfriend. They love him. Even after we get married I am not going over there. That is ridiculous to treat someone like they treat me. His grandmother is the main asshole, but the rest of him family are pretty much jerks too. No one really talks to me. If it werenít for his sister and one aunt (who married into the family) I would just sit there all by myself. Okay, so my question to you guys Ė do you think I am being unreasonable by not going over there anymore? Am I handling this the wrong way? I have put of with the crap for five years hoping that once they got to know me it would get better, but it has not gotten better. I just wanted your opinions. Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better now, before I just wanted to break something.


I should have put this under the dating/relationship forum- sorry my rage was probably clouding my judgement.



-- Edited by RyanJ at 13:20, 2004-12-17

__________________
I donít want no part of your tight-ass country-club, you freak bitch!


BCBG

Status: Offline
Posts: 98
Date:
Permalink Closed

Sorry that you're feeling angry and hurt.  I have never been in the situation before, so I can't offern advise from personal experiece.  However, I think that if you just stop going over there, that's won't solve anything and it might just make the situation more hostile.  You should talk to your boyfriend and urge him to at least speak with his parents about the way you are being treated.  He should really be the one who should threaten to pull the plug on the family gatherings.  They won't miss you if you won't be around and he still attends parties.  However, they might rethink their behaviour if you both stop attending functions because of their bad attitude.


It's really no one's business how much money you spend on somone's gift.  The most important thing is that his sister liked the gifts.



__________________
FB


Chanel

Status: Offline
Posts: 3257
Date:
Permalink Closed

I really do not think you're being unreasonable - no one should tell you how you should spend your money or live your life, HOWEVER, you have to be willing to make sacrifices for your FH, including putting up with his family.

__________________
dot


Marc Jacobs

Status: Offline
Posts: 2362
Date:
RE: Rant/question- SUPER long sorry. I need to ven
Permalink Closed


I'm really sorry that you are going through this RyanJ! I've definitely been there on some level.

When I first met my bf's sister and her husband, it was truly awful. I tried my hardest for them to like me... and I always felt that I tried to put myself out there for us to kind of bond in some way. But my bf's sister and her husband are very awkward people and they never have really opened up to me at all. I won't get into details... but I always had a feeling that she and her husband disapproved of our relationship.

Very recently, I was very upset because I couldn't face another Christmas dealing with her. (I don't know if anyone remembers that post on fashion hag where I was annoyed about her gift-giving style)

For a really long time, I was angry at her and her husband for not making an effort to get to know me or reach out to me.... and there have been alot of opportunities (like vacations and so on). But then I realized that the real reason I was so upset was not really whether they liked me or not... but rather that I felt like my bf, who I plan on having a long future with, wasn't showing them that I was important to him. As you put it, I felt that after all this time he wasn't sticking up for me or telling the people that are important in his life that I was now an important person in his. I knew if he did this and they still didn't like me... I would be happy because he would have made it clear to them that I was important to him. And that's what's really important to me, not whether they *approve* of me or not. When I explained this to him, he said he was very sorry and didn't realize that he could make a difference in this way.

So I say have a talk with your bf. Let him know how you feel. I think what Karina said is true. It's unrealistic to exclude your bf's extended family forever.... and you should make sacrifices to some point. It sounds like your bf's extended family are really judgemental but what's really important is your relationship with your bf. If he's important to you, I think you'll find ways to deal with his family and if you're important to him, I'm sure he'll find ways to show you and them that you are.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense. But I read your post and definitely related with what you were saying. I hope you and your bf work stuff out. :)

__________________
Mia


Kate Spade

Status: Offline
Posts: 1187
Date:
RE: Rant/question- SUPER long sorry. I need to vent!
Permalink Closed


RyanJ - I don't know if it helps, but your problem is not an uncommon one. I think the best strategy is to take the high road. Accept that his family are the way they are. This doesn't mean pretend to feel the same way, or change yourself when you're around them, but in a way I understand how the grandma could have (mis)interpreted the Ella Moss shirt as a repudiation. You know how she feels about expensive gifts, she knows you know, and the tag gets left on accidentally - my point is, she may have seen it as deliberate, as a little in-your-face gesture. Older people are very set in their ways and, in my experience, take more offense when others don't see things the way they do.


It's not that tenable not to see them if you will be getting married - I don't see how that would work long-term, except to end up creating more stress, especially for your bf. If I was you I would continue to see them, be polite, not react to their prodding (not visibly, anyway), and continue to do things the way you do them. Sometimes people just want to know that, although you aren't going to change your ways, you respect that their ways are different. I don't know the people involved here so I can't be sure but it's so often really about respect issues etc.


Good luck!



__________________
"Don't be cool. Cool is conservative fear dressed in black. Don't limit yourself in this way." - Bruce Mau


Dooney & Bourke

Status: Offline
Posts: 533
Date:
Permalink Closed

Not to over simplify this issue, but you need to talk to your boyfriend he needs to stick up for you to his family. If he doesn't or cannot is this the type of guy you want to marry? Family is important. Depending on his grandmothers age she may or may not be well. My grandmother in her old age has gotten mean and nasty to people and I pretty much have to discount 80% of what she says because if I took it to heart (which I sometimes do) I would be upset nonstop. Since this is your boyfriends family he needs to talk to them and defend you and be your advocate and liason to them.

__________________


Coach

Status: Offline
Posts: 1915
Date:
RE: Rant/question- SUPER long sorry. I need to ven
Permalink Closed


I have talked to him about this and he has talked to his family about it, but they don't really seem to care. They always say, "oh she is just too sensitive" Which couldn't be more wrong. I am not very sensitive and I donít take offensive at much of anything. I don't care if they do or do not like me- I just don't want to go over there and be insulted all evening. I just think limiting the amount of family functions is the best idea. I am not the kind of persons who lets people walk all over me and for the last five years that is what I have done- which I think effects my relationship with my BF because I get mad about how they treat me and since I can't yell at them I yell at him. I don't want to stop him from going to his family events because that is not fair to him. As far as the age thing I actually thought it maybe that, but then my boyfriend said that his grandmother has always been a jerk. My grandmother is getting old too and she can say some nasty things- I know that her mind is working as well as it use to because she would have never said those things five years ago. I really appreciate at your opinions. I donít want this response to sound snotty or rude- I am just fed up with this and whenever I think about it I just get pissed. Thanks everyone!

__________________
I donít want no part of your tight-ass country-club, you freak bitch!


Dooney & Bourke

Status: Offline
Posts: 533
Date:
RE: Rant/question- SUPER long sorry. I need to vent!
Permalink Closed


After thinking about this some more, I realized my family especially my sisters did this to my fiance. They were incredibly rude and disrespectful to him. I tried talking to them and it did not work. So I had a one on one with my mom and told her if they did not show some respect and try harder to like the person my fiance is and not who try to be mean because he is not the person THEY want him to be then we will stop coming to family outings and I include myself in that.  If they whether intential or nonintental cannot respect him then they are not respecting me. Maybe your boyfrined can appeal to the parent whose side of the family the grandmother is on and let that person know, one on one that the relatives behavior is impacting your relationship and if he can he will join you in boycotting events until they can respect you for the person you are.


 


My mom talked to my sisters one on one and they are much better now, but the damage has been done and my fiance loves to spend time with my parents and grandparents but he is still wary of my sisters.



__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.

Tweet this page Post to Digg Post to Del.icio.us


Create your own FREE Forum
Report Abuse
Powered by ActiveBoard