STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

cc · Marc Jacobs

nm

Mia · Kate Spade

RE: spinsters and non-daters: i need help (long)

Andrea Julia · Coach

In cases like this, I NEVER change my mind. If I don't feel chemistry with someone right away, it doesn't change. I hear stories all the time about people who were friends for years and suddenly it just clicked one day. I don't think I would ever be one of those people. I just kind of know right away. Never have I had a guy friend that I originally wasn't attracted to turn into a boyfriend. I've tried several times to go on a date with a guy that I know is nice and stable and would make a good husband that I don't feel chemistry with hoping I would change my mind.

If I were you, I wouldn't go out with this guy. A kiss is supposed to up your attraction to someone and it doesn't seem like it did that at all for you. It will just get worse, too, from what I've experienced. After a few kisses, you may want to throw up in his mouth. Chemistry is a weird thing. I think it is better to wait to find it. It is good that you are not just attracted to a lot of guys. I think that at our age, your taste becomes more refined. Not everyone that is good-looking seems like a good match like it may have seemed in your teens and early twenties. I think that the guys you mention that you become friends with and then date, maybe you should date right away. Maybe you just get stuck in that friends rut and then when you do date, it feels weird.

honey · Gucci

totally understand where you're coming from. i kind of think that the whole idea of giving every guy the benefit of the doubt is a lot of pc bullshit. not that you should hold out for "the one." but we have instincts for a reason, and if you're not attracted to someone, then you're just not attracted to them. everytime i start to doubt this, i compare the way i feel around guys that i have a "spark" with, to the way i feel about other guys, and there's just no comparison. so settling just seems pointless. plus every time i've tried to "settle" i've ended up being more annoyed and stressed out than i would've been if i just initially said i wasn't interested. i would call him back and say something similar to what mia suggested.

also you're not a freak. and there's no excuse for bad kissing.

Starstuff · Kenneth Cole

you know, I was thinking about this. I went on a few dates with a guy in college, and the chemistry was just.not.there. Being around him was weird, b/c I was attracted to him, but wasn't really into it. I don't think there's anything you can do about it -- either its there, or it isn't, and there's no faking it. My suggestion is to hold out. There's no substitute for the real thing, and anything less is, well, so much less.

domkfox · BCBG

wow! cc - i could have just written your post myself. :)

i have no advice, but please read my separate post.

-- Edited by domkfox at 12:49, 2004-12-14

itsapinkthing · Coach

cc -

I guess I'm technically a non-dater, I'm married. But I thought I'd share a little story...

When I met my husband the irst time we really met, I though there was nothing there at all, he phisically was not really my type, and I felt no "chemistry" either. Yet I agreed to meet him for lunch one day, just being nice. We had a brief lunch, and I though I was out for sure, he had to know we did not click. But man was he persistent, he called me a few days later. I kept blowing him off thinking, nope not my type. But I'd met him when I had nothing else really going on. And then one day BAM...really BAM, and it hit me I DID like him and there WAS somthing there. 8, months later we were engaged. So personally I don't think the give every guys a chance thing is "pc Bulls...".

My husband is so much more my type than any guy I ever dated. And I have never felt more myself with anyone else, or more happy in my life!

cc · Marc Jacobs

-- Edited by cc at 12:38, 2006-02-02

jess · Kenneth Cole

Yep, definately feel you cc! And to top that off, I am a total chicken about cancelling plans. I have no balls to break bad news, so I do something worse........ Avoid calls. It's so rude, but they do eventually get the message. I've been single since more or less April of last year, and have found NO ONE that i have a desire to go out on a date with. You are absolutely right when you wonder what the point of going out w/someone is if you're not initially interested. Don't just settle, you know what you want!

dc · Dooney & Bourke

cc - I am also so with you. I think you and I have discussed this before ... you're not doing yourself or him any favors by going out with him. He's been pretty nice, so I'd give him a real answer. Last year I emailed a nice but not-my-type blind date ( work colleague set us up) and said it was fun but i really got more of the "friend" vibe. He actually thanked me for my honesty... and I never heard from him again. Too bad, would have been a fun friend - but on the other hand, I am not sorry I didn't go out w/him again just because he was nice. You don't want your first real date to be something you feel like you just have to get out of the way so you will have been on a date, do you? How great would it be for your first real date to be with someone you really want to remember?

You are so not a freak. Ican't even name the last person I found attractive. I am just one of those people who either needs a gut feeling or not. True, my gut has steered me hideously wrong in the past, but I do need chemistry. A lot of people have told me stories about not being initially attracted, and I am glad it worked for them (some of those stories are very romantic too), but 33 years of singledom has at least taught *me* that I either like someone right away or it will never happen. And it's hard - I have friends who go out on tons of dates with whoever asks... but I don't have the time or energy to give everyone a chance or to date just for the sake of dating. I'd rather be out living my life and maybe I'll bump into him along the way, you know?

daiz519 · Dooney & Bourke

cc I totally understand how you feel. I've been out of a relationship for almost two years now, with no desire to date anyone I've met since. I have had the opportunity to go on dates, but I honestly just know right away if the guys is for me. So far none of them have been for me. I've even tried to make myself go on some dates just so I could feel back in the groove of things. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm happy as I am...if the right guy comes along I'd love to have him in my life but I'm not going to put myself through misery just for the sake of dating/to have a guy around. I think you should just be honest and let him no you didn't feel a connection as anything more than friends. Let us know how it turns out.

kealoha · Kate Spade

like majority of the women here, i think you're doing the right thing by not going out on a date w/him. i think you should be honest w/him b/c it would suck to have the same happen to you.

i've been happily single for a few years & am glad i never settled. i met a really nice guy back in March & although we're friends, he's not my type & i know there's no romantic chemistry. i prefer not to waste my time--or anyone else's--simply for the sake of going on a date. i have several friends who date just to say they date, but a few who, like me, refuse to settle.

i guess when you looking, you never find anything; when you're NOT looking & least expect it, it hits you like a ton of bricks. hang in there. 27 is not old & coming from a 31-year-old who lives in one of the worst cities to date, you have a LOT of time.

valenciana · Dooney & Bourke

well, as my friend George Washington once said, "it is better to be alone than in bad company." if you're not into it, you're not gonna suddenly get into it (especially if you've already kissed him...i hate bad kissers, esp. ones you have no chemistry with...yuck!).

i know everyone else has said something along similar lines already, but i just wanted to voice my support. you're cool...don't just go for this guy you're not even into just because you feel like you should be dating.

Fireball · BCBG

quote:

Originally posted by: itsapinkthing
"cc - I guess I'm technically a non-dater, I'm married. But I thought I'd share a little story... When I met my husband the irst time we really met, I though there was nothing there at all, he phisically was not really my type, and I felt no "chemistry" either. Yet I agreed to meet him for lunch one day, just being nice. We had a brief lunch, and I though I was out for sure, he had to know we did not click. But man was he persistent, he called me a few days later. I kept blowing him off thinking, nope not my type. But I'd met him when I had nothing else really going on. And then one day BAM...really BAM, and it hit me I DID like him and there WAS somthing there. 8, months later we were engaged. So personally I don't think the give every guys a chance thing is "pc Bulls...". My husband is so much more my type than any guy I ever dated. And I have never felt more myself with anyone else, or more happy in my life!"

I'm gonna side with Pink here. I never thought my BF was my type and I didn't think we had any chemistry together, but he changed my heart and mind.