STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

littlebean · Kate Spade

What Do Bridesmaids Do?

jacL · Coach

It depends on the bride and what she wants you to do. I have been a bridesmaid only once and the bride didn't ask any of us to help her. Her maid of honor planned the bachelorette party and another bridesmaid who is a very good friend as well as the only one who had been married, helped the bride out a bit. We put the centerpieces on the tables the night before the wedding but that was it. She was the most carefree bride ever. I don't think everyone has such an experience.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

yes, it definitely depends on the bride. i've been a bridesmaid three times, and a maid of honor on two of those occasions. i'm also getting married in a few months myself.

for one bride i did a lot of work, for one i did almost nothing, and for the third i did a little bit -- it all depended on their needs. i'd suggest just asking your friend if there is anything she needs help with, and also offering to the maid of honor to help plan a shower (if you feel up to it).

i would also say think about what you are able to do, both emotionally and financially, before making offers to help. you don't want to offer to help plan a shower and then end up being asked to spend a lot of money beyond your budget, for example.

you sound like a conscientious friend! smile

tara t · Marc Jacobs

i had 3 bridesmailds. one picked out the shoes for the girls, one planned a shower and the other acted like a jerk.

i asked my girls to find shoes, but that was about it. they did the rest themselves.

as a bride, it was nice being asked if i needed any help. i really didn't though.

hotcocoa · Kate Spade

I'm agreeing that it depends on the bride... but not necessarily your relationship with her. On the one occassion that I was a maid of honor, I did minimal work and with the exception of some really bad communication about the bachelorette party, it was a simple, easy and fun task. I was mainly available for moral support and helping make a few choices. I also made sure her dress and hair were perfect in all of her photographs pre-ceremony and pre-reception. On the two occassions that I was a bridesmaid and not necessarily close friends with the bride I ended up doing a TON of work. To the point of exhaustion at times! In once instance it was because I didn't say "no" when I should have and the other because the bride (looking back it was a big mistake on my part to even agree on being her bridesmaid) was a selfish, self-absorbed crazy co-worker who expected a ton of effort from her slaves... ahem... I mean bridesmaids.

I echo scarlett's advise. Think about what you are able to offer in terms of help. And communicate! Years after the fact, I had the aforementioned bachelorette party thrown back in my face. It's a sore spot in my friendship with this woman to this day. It was all because of a lack of communication. Since you don't live in the same city as the bride, this will be key.

Good luck and have fun!

jettie · Kate Spade

I've been a bridesmaid three times. I've always helped with the shower (even when I was living across the country and couldn't attend the shower - I helped with the invitations). But like everyone said, its really up to the bride.

littlebean · Kate Spade

Thanks for the advice, ladies! I mentioned in an e-mail that I would be happy to help with things, but haven't heard anything back yet. It's still 6.5 months before the wedding, so hopefully when we get closer to the time I'll find out more about what the expectations are going to be. When do bridal showers usually happen? Are they a few months before the wedding or quite soon before?