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Metric


Gucci

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Am I being unreasonable?
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This is a bit of an awkward situation, but I created it for myself. Honest opinions, though...am I being out of line?

BF has a few friends who are substance abusers. BF and I don't do drugs and I have become quite adamantly anti-drug lately. I had some substance issues with my ex and I just refuse to tolerate anymore of that kind of behavior. Back then, when I was young and naive, I turned a blind eye to a lot of things... random people crashing at our house, friends showing up at our house in the middle of the night, things getting "borrowed" and never returned. Now I'm old and hardened wink, I 'm not having it.

Anyway, like I said BF has a few friends that are substance abusers. I feel that in the past year (well, almost a year) I have given these people a fair chance, I tried not to judge them and be tolerant. But they don't treat me very nicely and I find them extremely annoying and disrespectful- they come over, smoke in my house and completely ignore me. They are all very young and quite immature. I'm not sure what my bf gets out of their friendship. 

There was not one specific incident that put me off but I have told BF that I don't want them in our house. He can hangout with them if he wants, I just don't want to and I don't want them to come over. I don't trust these people and I get a really bad feeling when they are around. He accepted it and said that he wanted to take a break from some of them for awhile anyway.

Saturday I ran into one of his friends while shopping with my mom. The friend started in on me about how she hasn't seen our new apartment yet, when is she going to be invited over? I managed to brush her off without committing to anything.

I told BF about it about it when I got home and he admitted that he had told her that I didn't want her (and the others) at our place. So now I feel a bit guilty. I don't want to be "that girlfriend" who separates her bf from his friends. But at the same time I do not trust these people and want nothing to do with them. Am I being "one of those" girlfriends? How would you deal with this?



-- Edited by Metric at 11:54, 2008-02-04

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Jahni


Dooney & Bourke

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I think you are being one of  "those girlfriends," but in this situation you have EVERY RIGHT to be.  Good for you for standing up and not allowing drug use in your home.

I wouldn't give two flits if his group of friends think ill of you for not having them over. They are drug users. Drug users are generally not fine, upstanding citizens. Honestly, I probably would have been a little harsher on the BF and told him he wasn't allowed to hang around with them, but that's me.

I say YAY Metric!

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D


Hermes

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I don't think you're being unreasonable.  It's your house and you have a say in who gets to come in and what happens there.  If you don't like the company, then it's your right to choose to not let them in the house or spend time with them.

That's kind of sucky of your boyfriend to tell them and put the blame on you, but if that's what he has to do to get them to go away, then so be it.  It may have been the easiest way for him to explain why they can't come over, and I guess him applying a negative connotation toward you with people you don't like is worth getting rid of them, right?  Sometimes it's good to just do whatever you have to do to get the job done...

You don't like these people, so why care what they think of you? Hopefully, this is the beginning of getting them out of your lives for good.

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Kelly


Hermes

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You are decidedly reasonable! It sounds like it's not just that you don't care for his friends - they are mean to you, and they insist on doing illegal and unhealthy things in your home. That's inexcusable. Even the friends I love are not allowed to do drugs in my home or anywhere around my house.

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Elle


Hermes

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Hell no you're not being unreasonable!! 

I agree with the others that it was kind of sucky on your BF's part to tell them that you said they can't come over any more.  But you know what?  Someone has to be a grown-up in this situation, and if they know it's you putting your foot down, so what?  I don't think you have any reason in particular to respect these people (what with the drugs and the disrespect to you and your home), so I don't see any reason to respect their opinions of you either.  I hate being around that shit too, especially in my own home - you lasted a lot longer that I would have!

Now, if it was just that you found one of his friends to be grating or annoying for no reason in particular, then IMO you might be obligated to bend a bit.  But not for this.

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blink


Coach

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Ugh, this is so tough.  I was so there in the early years of my marriage.

It sucks to feel like "that girlfriend," you are forced into that position because your boyfriend doesn't have the nerve to place judgment on those friends.  I think this is typical of a lot of guys, so I am not criticizing him for it, I just wish more men would be willing to take the responsibility of "cleaning house" with friendships that are unsupportive of the relationship, in this case, a relationship that has no room for substance abusers. 

Anyway, no, you are not being unreasonable. 

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blubirde


Chanel

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D wrote:

I don't think you're being unreasonable.  It's your house and you have a say in who gets to come in and what happens there.  If you don't like the company, then it's your right to choose to not let them in the house or spend time with them.

That's kind of sucky of your boyfriend to tell them and put the blame on you, but if that's what he has to do to get them to go away, then so be it.  It may have been the easiest way for him to explain why they can't come over, and I guess him applying a negative connotation toward you with people you don't like is worth getting rid of them, right?  Sometimes it's good to just do whatever you have to do to get the job done...

You don't like these people, so why care what they think of you? Hopefully, this is the beginning of getting them out of your lives for good.


ITA with everything D said. If it's any consolation, your BF must not care what they think very much either, because if he did, he wouldn't have insulted them by telling them they couldn't come over (for whatever reason). Sucks that he told them it was your doing, but it was so oh well, right? Some of my BFFs have friends that I will NOT hang out with, under no uncertain terms. If my BFF were to tell that person they weren't invited because of me, it'd be true so I couldn't really complain. Plus I don't give a rat's ass if someone doesn't like me because I don't like them. Good riddance. It's different when it's the BF's friends but not significantly.

Consider yourself lucky that he's cool with you not liking them or wanting them around. And everyone is "that girlfriend" at some point or another. At least yours is a reasonable request.



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joy0302


Kate Spade

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You are being "that girlfriend" if that means keeping him out of harms way by cleaning house of people that are not good for either of you. I don't blame you one bit! I am the same way as you are. I have absolutely no time in my life for people that do drugs. If they want to that is fine, but I will not be around to see it take them down. I watched a few other friends really messed up thier lives when I was younger, one actually died, and I refuse to tolerate it now.



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wicked


Coach

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No way, it's your house. Good for you for laying down the law.

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sephorablue


Marc Jacobs

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wicked wrote:

No way, it's your house. Good for you for laying down the law.


yeah I totally agree. 'Nuff said.



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Miss Mabel


Kenneth Cole

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Totally agree with all the others. Maybe it will be a wake-up call for them that (suprise suprise) the only people who like being around heavy drug users are ... heavy drug users!

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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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I'm late to the thread. I don't think it's unreasonable to deny drug users your house. If they are busted on your property, or when you are in their company, you could be in a lot of trouble too. What's the point in risking that?

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