STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

This is blunt, but would you be sleeping with Guy 2 on said vacation? Because if so, I'd say do not do it unless you think you want to be with him because going on a weeklong trip indicates something of a commitment. At least it does to me, and if Guy 1 is serious about you, I think he would rightly be upset, not to mention just adding way more to your ultimate stress and sense of bonding. If, on the other hand, you're not intimate with him, I'd say go, because its really just a friends thing and its a chance to get to know him better, and since you're not official with Guy 1 he's going to have to suck it up. Its not that respectful, but if the guy hasn't closed the deal yet so to speak its kind of his problem.

That said, (and not to draw attention away from your dilemma) these social networking sites are terrible for screwing up people's personal lives. There's just so much drama with them, not to mention loss of privacy, that I really try to limit my use, and this little situation is just one of many examples why.

For me, and others may disagree so take this as how I feel and what I would do, but going on vacation means it is probably a relationship. Honestly, if I was guy 1 I would be upset if you went on vacation with another guy. I also think if you ever want to have a relationship you shouldn't lie to him about the vacation. Everything you asked was about guy 1 (what if he finds out, what if I want to be with him when I get back) and not so much about guy 2. It sounds like from what you wrote that you do want to be with guy 1. If you want to casually date both of them I don't have a problem with that and I am kinda jealous!! =) But, I think that a vacation takes it up a notch from the casual level. Just my 2 cents though!

I am of the opinion (and practice) that until you actually say that you have an exclusive relationship with someone, then you are NOT exclusive and aren't obligated to act as such. It sounds like you've had a talk with both of them about their desire to be exclusive with you and you have declined to agree to exclusivity, so technically I don't think going on this vacation is wrong of you and I think you have the right. And I don't think either guy has the right to be mad about it.

That being said, if I was Guy #1, hearing that you were going on a vacation may make me back down. I'd have a whole week without you and a whole week to think about how much fun you're having with someone else. And even if I know you're not exclusive with him, it may become more trouble than it's worth. Especially if I care a lot about you, that may hurt too much and I'll back out to save myself more hurt. Even if I don't have the right to be angry with you about it, I do have the right to be hurt that you didn't choose me.

So I think you are definitely allowed to go if you want. But just be prepared for what you may be losing.

Since both of these relationships are at the exporatory phases, I see nothing wrong with the getaway with #2. The only fault involved is that #1 didn't book you in advance.

Go, have fun, use your powers for good and not for evil. Be clear and honest with #2 that he isn't the only guy in the picture, because I think Metric is right that there may be an expectation on his part. Pay your own way and that will psychically allow you to make your own rules. One of my mottos is "I'm here for a good time, not for a long time."

If #1 finds out you're on vacation, so be it. He may ultimately benefit if you find out, through the forced intimacy of a vacation, that #2 is not someone you want to be with.

What a sticky situation!

If it were me, and I was 50/50 on both guys, a) the vacation would be a good way to see if Guy 2 is relationship material and/or b) the vacation might push Guy 1 out of the picture if he gets hurt. So going on vaca might solidify one or might ruin another (or both). Best case, you like Guy 2 the most and it works out. Worst case, you realize Guy 2 isn't it and you lose Guy 1. Logically speaking, it seems like you keep the most of your options open by not going on vaca with Guy 2. (I'm assuming he wouldn't write you off if you didn't go.)

If you want the best chances of keeping both your options open, I'd say skip the vacation.

Now on to what I'd want to do if it were me. I'd totally go. Guy 1 has had 3 years to take it to the next level with you, or at the very least indicate that he wants to go that route. Guy 2 has just been around a month and he's already inviting you on a trip. BUT it could be that you're seeing Guy 2 through rose-colored glasses right now, especially since you've known him for such a short period of time.

It's kind of the ultimate dilemma for women, isn't it? Hugh Grant or Colin Firth? I guess if Guy 1 really, really wants you in his life, he'll get over your trip with a "friend," right?

I don't know the answer but keep us updated on what you decide to do. I'm so curious!

sydney wrote:

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The golden rule is still a good one - treat them the way YOU would want to be treated.

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Ditto. I understand that's probably not how a guy would look at it, but I don't really think that matters. If you think Guy #1 would be hurt if he found out about it, then I wouldn't do it.

Tough decision!

I was thinking, are you truly going to enjoy the vacation wondering what the other guy will think of it?   Also, you haven't known guy #2 long enough...I might tell him a vacation would be fun but not right now.

Thanks for all the opinions.  They are really helping. 

Firstly, I no longer work with Guy #1.  We originally worked together, but he left to join another company.  Guy #1 and Guy #2 may recognize each other's names, but they are definitely not friends.  That being said, we all share mutual friends.  Guy #2 still works for the same company as I do (different office/country) and if we go on vacation, there is no way people at work won't find out and it won't get back to some of the mutual friends of all of us.  Also, as I said in my previous post, they are also both linked into me via social networking and pics are likely to get posted of the vacation by Guy #2.  

To clear up a few things which may help alter any other opinions, I have known guy #2 for almost a year, we just hadn't went out until December (he lives in Canada).  So, he isn't some random that I just met and I trust him.  He definitely is not expecting me to sleep with him (though I also know that he would not be upset if the vacation led to that).  I wouldn't go without paying my half.   

In terms of guy #1, we have known each other for 3+ years and he asked me out when we lived in the same city.  Because we worked in the same office, I didn't want to go there (background on that is that I was engaged to a co-worker at another company and was the "runaway bride" 20 minutes before the I Do - because of this and the resulting torture of working together, I am very adamant to not date anyone that works in the same office).  Anyway, Guy #1 moved to a different city, as did I, and throughout it all we kept in touch.  He started coming to visit me over the summer (Tennessee to California) and while I am adamant we are "just friends at this stage", he has on more than one occasion told people that asked why we aren't a "couple" that it isn't for the "lack of him trying". 

If you guys can't tell from these posts, I have a commitment issue.  I greatly fear commitment.  I suspect this is why I am in this predicament.  If anyone has ever read the book Two Step, I think I am clearly on the "sought" side of the two step.  My co-worker gave me this book today to try to help me sort out my issues.  From this book, I was able to see that I never seek as I always want to hold the power in the relationship and this means that I can never get to a meaningful stage of intimacy. 

So, anyway, I still don't know what I am going to do, but I did set a tentative date for vacation at the end of February.  We will book the week after next, so I have a little breathing room to decide.  Since things are a little stressful at work right now with some reorganizations, if I cancel on the vacation, it will be understandable and definitely won't stop communication with Guy #2, it just won't allow me to move things forward and figure out quickly if he is worth jeopardizing what I know is a good thing with Guy #1.

I guess I am afraid I am mistaking that "I just started talking with you... all our stories are new" feeling with Guy #2 with liking him or connecting with him better, when it may just be that Guy #1 and I are past that stage having known each other for so long.

Anyway, this is quite rambling.  I appreciate the opinions thus far and stylethread for giving me a place to have a sounding board.  You girls are the best!!

-- Edited by jah at 23:45, 2008-01-10

Dizzy wrote:

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That makes more sense. To be blunt, I think you're moving into not-fair-to-either-guy territory, IF, and only if, you don't tell both guys what's up. I think you are entitled to not want a commitment from either. But Guy 1 is also entitled to know that you will be spending 7 days with another guy. And Guy 2 is entitled to know that you still have feelings for Guy 1 and want to see where that could lead. And you are entitled to not want to settle down with either of them.

Just be honest. Think about what you'd want from a guy you really liked.

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I agree with above...   Even if I was in a relationship where exclusivity was yet to be defined, I would feel betrayed if the other person went on a vacation with someone else for 7 days.  It seems like finding a loophole in a legal contract.  Whether you're in or out of a relationship the other person is bound to feel resentful and jealous/vengeful.  

I would take the 2 weeks and spend more time with each of them.  If you feel like you like one over the other by then, make the decision based on that.  If not, spare yourself the hardship and go on a vacation with your girlfriends!