STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Despite the involvement on the site, I really have no reason to believe that he's cheating or has cheated. When i found out about the site the first time, I was tempted to do the spyware thing, but he's an IT guy and I was afraid he would somehow know it was on his computer. When I found out the first time i actually created a fake account on the site, sent him a message, and got no response. Also, his profile is totally, totally blank and I think that if he were actually trying to meet someone he'd have personal information on there, as it would be hard to get a response from someone without sharing information of your own. Also, I have no idea when he'd have time to actually do the hooking up - we carpool to and from work so i know exactly where he is at all times, he doesn't go out with friends often, and when he does, I know all of them pretty well, and at night, after dinner, he usually stays home with our daughter while I go to the gym, etc. And believe me, when I found the membership email I went through his whole computer and email and found absolutely nothing else to be suspicious about.

We've talked some more and oddly enough, I'm fine with everything now. We talked about the site and why he felt compelled to join that specific one, and he said it was because he doesn't like most porn girls, which I believe because he's always said that he's not attracted at all to girls who look overly fake, and that he liked that it was "random" (whatever that means). He admitted that he was very wrong to pay for something like this, especially since money is so tight, said that he's truly happy with me and our family and totally committed to doing whatever it takes to make our marriage last. I sent him an email today and after all this, if he betrays my trust again, despite loving him dearly, I won't stick around, and I make that very clear. here's part of the email - even though we had talked I felt so much better after I sent it.

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I'm not angry at you anymore, but I'm still feeling a bit bummed. It's hard to get over. At this point it's not even the site content that's getting at me - I dealt with that a long time ago - I just can't believe that you kept going back when you knew how hurt I was, and then lied when I told you I knew. I don't understand it and I wish you would give me some sort of response. I know you apologized but it's hard to believe that you're actually sorry, considering it's happened more than once. I know you may not see it this way, but to continue when you knew how much it hurt me is like saying that the site and other random girls are more important to you than my feelings, and that's what sucks the most, and I can't help but think that it will happen again.

It's hard, too, because you never say anything when I get upset. It's like you just want to pretend like it's not happening and go on your way. And that sucks for me because I'm so hurt inside and I almost feel like you don't care - like you can just pretend to be sorry for a minute, and i'll get over it, and then you can go back to doing whatever you were doing before. I think you feel like I should just be fine now, but I'm not like that. I don't stay mad long, but the hurt is still there and I can't just pretend like it's okay, because it's not. I would never, ever, intentionally do something that I KNEW would hurt someone I loved, but you seemed to do it so easily. I can forgive you easily because I love you, but it's a lot harder to forget.

I'm also very upset that you thought it was okay to spend $30 a month on this, when we're so low on cash and that money could have been used for dinner, or for our daughter, or for something as a family. Do you maybe think there's something missing in our relationship, and that's why you felt like you needed the site and why you wanted to pay for it? Even if you decided you want to be with someone else, I'd want you to let me know. It would hurt, but I'd rather have you come right out with it than be lied to and deceived. Also, you do understand that I'm only upset by sites that are for the purpose of contacting other people, right? Regular porn, where you can't actually talk to the girls is fine with me. I can't say that I love the fact that you look, but I do understand that you're a man and men are different than women in that aspect. But looking at a site like this makes it look like you're actually looking to hook up with someone, which is absolutely unacceptable.

I have never lied to you, and as far as I know, I've never hurt you either. I do everything I can to be a good wife and mother and despite not having the greatest self esteem, I know that I do not deserve to be disrespected and lied to. You need to know that even though it would kill me to break up our family, I can't let you do this to me again. I can't carry around a big ball of hurt, as I can't set that example for our daughter - She needs to know that she should always put herself first, and that she shouldn't sacrafice herself or her feelings or her values for anyone. believe that we'll make it, but it can't be a one-sided effort, . I need to know that you love me, and that you're as committed to me as I am to you. You need to know that it's not okay to treat me like this, and if you can't figure it out on your own, then we need counseling. I know we're very different emotionally, and that we communicate differently, and I wanted to get this all out in writing because I think it's better for both of us, as I can tell you how I feel without becoming a sobbing mess, and there's not the frustration of me pouring my heart out while you say nothing.

You've said that you have nothing to say, but that's not working for me right now. I need something - anything - to let me know that you understand how hurt I am, that you're truly sorry, and that you'll never intentionally disrespect me or lie to me again. Open communication is very important to me, and when I'm sad, or hurt, or angry, or just feeling crappy, I always try to let you know what's wrong and how I feel, because nothing can be fixed unless all parties involved are aware of the problem and work together to solve it. I don't think I get that from you. If you're missing something, or if you're feeling a certain way, or if there's something you want, you need to tell me. You can't just shut off when I'm upset, and pretend like it's all okay and that nothing happened while I figure things out on my own, and I can't continually question my importance to you or my place in your life.

i love you very much and I know you love me, too. I just need to know that your heart is in this, and us, as much as mine is.

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And I was satisfied with his response so we're fine now, and hopefully for good. Thanks for all the advice and words of encouragement. I really didn't have anyone else to talk to and I really appreciate it.

I'm glad that you are ok with things now. I agree with littlebean, that hopefully this can be a reason for you guys to have more open communication. Perhaps you could set aside time each week to talk about anything that might be bothering you and just to check in on the relationship. From what you have told us about whats going on and how you are feeling I think your email was worded perfectly. I hope you guys are now able to start the New Year stronger than ever.

I didn't want to say anything before. But I think ,after readin gthis, that I have to say at least this: Please get counseling. That letter is unfortunately not an example of open communication. It's an example of the exact pattern that left you feeling so hurt (legitimately so) before. 1) You say your piece. 2) He says, "You're right." 3) Then he does what he wants. The third step is coming. He's done it before, and lied about it. I don't think you're fine with this, as much as you've realized that, and I'm so sorry to be so blunt, but it seems like you'ver realized the only way to keep your marriage together is for you to do all the work of communicating and accepting. And one person doing all the work does not make a marriage. You're wonderful and strong to try, but this is just too much. You have the right to expect more. He has to go to counseling. He just does. If he won't, then I'm sorry, the marriage is already over.

PS - The lines I expect someone in his position to use to avoid counseling would be 1) counseling is expensive 2) this whole thing is being overblown 3) he already said he's sorry 4) there's nothing more he can do. But, well, there is. He can show you that he is willing to learn a different way to interact, because this way is unfair to you.

PS II - I'm not saying your husband is anything other than a great guy, who, like we all do, is messing up. The thing is, the communication described on this thread is just completely unfair to you. Counseling can help you two learn another way to interact. It doesn't mean he's a terrible person or needs to be fixed. It just means the relationship has to change to be more fair to you.

Again, big hug, and I hate being so blunt, your message above just sounded so frozen and like such a clear repetition of a pattern that I had to say something.