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Angry


Nine West

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Posts: 4
Date:
My husband sucks
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I'm a regular poster but this is kind of embarassing. I don't share a lot about my personal life with my friends and family and I really need advice.

About two years ago, I found out my husband had a profile on Adult FriendFinder, and not just a regular profile, but a paid membership (If you're not familiar with the site at all, it's kind of like XXX MySpace). His profile was blank and it didn't look like he had ever had contact with anyone, but I was still upset. We have a good relationship and I could give a shit less if he looks at porn, but the friend finder thing really bothered me because the whole premise of the site is to meet people to have sex with, etc. All he'd have to do is message the girl and try to hook up with her, which obviously is not the case with regular porn.

i told him it bothered me and explained why, and asked him to delete his membership. He did.

Anyway, just this morning, I was having problems with my computer so I went to check my email on his. We both use gmail and he has his computer set to remember him, so when I went to the site it went straight to his inbox. He had a message with the subject "adult friendfinder billing renewal." So I searched his inbox (gotta love gmail!), and found his user name and password and logged on to his profile.

Again, his profile is blank, he has nothing in his inbox, there are no sent messages, so I know he's just looking isn't trying to meet anyone (yet) but I'm really, really hurt.
1) He knew how I felt about it and went and did it again anyway, which is very disrespectful
2) We have a new house and a young child and are living paycheck to paycheck with very little spending money (we each get $50 every two weeks, which has obviously ceased my shopping), and he's spending $30 a month on this bullshit
3) He's intentionally hiding it from me, as he's paying via a virtual credit card number through paypal instead of directly from our account, so it's not showing up on our statements. I know that's what he's doing because I heard him talk about the paypal virtual card thing before, and i just looked at online banking and the charge isn't there.

What should I do? From his account information I can tell that he renewed his membership back in July so it was quite awhile before I found out. I don't know if i should confront him or if I should just keep quiet and monitor the account occasionally to make sure he's not doing anything more than looking at pictures.

Like I said, I'm just hurt and super pissed because I told him before how much it hurt me and how disrespectful i thought it was. Obviously it bothers me that he could just come across some local naked girl on there, decide she's really hot, and try to hook up with her. I don't really believe that he'd do that, but he has to be thinking about it right? Otherwise he'd be looking at a regular porn site and not specifically at one that's specifically for hooking up. And he sure doesn't give a f* about my feelings because the last incident had me in tears for three days, and he's doing it again...

ETA:  I keep thinking about it and am finding a billion more reasons to hate him right now.  I signed up for the Angel Tree at work, which was a $25 gift for an 80 year old man in an assisted living home, and he was mad at me because I didn't talk to him before signing up.  So buying a Christmas present for a lonely old man is a problem but it's perfectly okay that he spent $180 on porn in the past six months.  F* him.  Thankfully he'll be gone all day so I have time to think about how I'll handle this..

-- Edited by Angry at 13:47, 2007-12-15

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Mitz


BCBG

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Posts: 246
Date:
RE: Advice on Husband, Please!
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OMG, wow!  I don't blame you for being hurt and upset!  You definitely need to confront him with this.  He has breached your marital trust not only by betraying your wishes but also there is absolutely no reason for him to have an account with that website as a MARRIED man!  I'm so sorry you are having to go through this...hopefully he has a good explanation (not sure what that would be though!) but you obviously need to confront him.

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KaffeeKlatsch


Marc Jacobs

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Posts: 2347
Date:
My husband sucks
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Oh man...HUGS! I'm so sorry.
Definitely a confrontation of some sort is needed...and an ultimatum.
I hope you know it has nothing to do with who you are as a woman or wife!

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erin


Chanel

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i would confront him. but i am confused. you said he did delete his membership, or did he just tell you he would delete it? because if it's the latter, maybe he forgot. but if he recreated a membership i would be super pissed!

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Angry


Nine West

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Posts: 4
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erin wrote:

i would confront him. but i am confused. you said he did delete his membership, or did he just tell you he would delete it? because if it's the latter, maybe he forgot. but if he recreated a membership i would be super pissed!



He did delete the first time. I went to the site and checked after the first confrontation and the account was gone. And that account billed directly from our bank account and there havent been charges since.

This account has a different user name. You're able to check the billing history, and based on that, it looks like he created the account in mid July.



-- Edited by Angry at 14:27, 2007-12-15

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joy0302


Kate Spade

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I would be very upset also. He betrayed your trust by creating a new account and it is even worse that he knew you were upset the first time. Part of me wants to say that it may be best to monitor it and not say anything now, because if you do he may just get a different account and hide it again. I know though if I were in your situation there would be NO way that I could keep my mouth shut. I would be very angry and would have to come out with it. I am so sorry you have to deal with such a hurtful thing.

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Jamsicle


BCBG

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Posts: 114
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It sounds like you and your husband really need to talk. I think you're right to feel somewhat forsaken because of his actions. He has to follow through on his vows and put his love for you first, and in today's world sometimes it becomes too easy to be a dodgy fellow. Tell him that he fell down and that he has to make it right. I don't know what exactly he is going to come up with, but the onus is on him for dishonouring you.

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Teresa


Kate Spade

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Posts: 1086
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I agree with leah leanna that some sort of ulimatum needs to be prestnted. Clearly the way you went about it last time didnt work, so I would be a hard ass this time. maybe talk to a counselor before confronting him? I dont know, its just clear that he isnt respecting your feelings on this.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. We are here for you. Good luck and hang in there. Set your standards high, you deserve better than this, remember that!

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Carrie Bradshaw: The fact is, sometimes it's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes. That's why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun.
littlebean


Kate Spade

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Posts: 1200
Date:
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I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this! I would be so angry, too.

My advice is also to talk to him. I don't think that waiting and monitoring his usage is a good idea -- it will eat you up and only cause a bigger rift when you eventually confront him. When you talk to him, I would encourage you to tell him that you'd like to go to couples counseling together to work through this.

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jah


Dooney & Bourke

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Posts: 815
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littlebean wrote:

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this! I would be so angry, too.

My advice is also to talk to him. I don't think that waiting and monitoring his usage is a good idea -- it will eat you up and only cause a bigger rift when you eventually confront him. When you talk to him, I would encourage you to tell him that you'd like to go to couples counseling together to work through this.


Ditto to all this...



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NCshopper


Hermes

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I agree with Littlebean--talk to him now about this. And I'd lay out your reasons for being upset because they're perfectly valid. Tell him that it bothers you because it's the purpose of the site is to meet up with people, that it bothers you because he's paying money for this when you're short on cash anyway, and that it bothers you because he's lied about it all.

I'd say that maybe you could suggest some regular porn sites (non-subscription and totally fantasy), but it seems like there's a reason he's into this particular site. I think counseling might not be a bad idea to help figure out what's behind this--he might find it thrilling to be in danger of getting caught or might get a kick out of running into someone locally that he's seen naked online. Who knows. But I feel like there's a reason that he's gravitated toward this particular site (twice) instead of the 18359545631328732184 other porn sites out there that are free.

I think you have every right to be pissed in this situation. Good luck to you on this--it sounds really tough.

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blubirde


Chanel

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Posts: 4845
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NCshopper wrote:

I agree with Littlebean--talk to him now about this. And I'd lay out your reasons for being upset because they're perfectly valid. Tell him that it bothers you because it's the purpose of the site is to meet up with people, that it bothers you because he's paying money for this when you're short on cash anyway, and that it bothers you because he's lied about it all.

I'd say that maybe you could suggest some regular porn sites (non-subscription and totally fantasy), but it seems like there's a reason he's into this particular site. I think counseling might not be a bad idea to help figure out what's behind this--he might find it thrilling to be in danger of getting caught or might get a kick out of running into someone locally that he's seen naked online. Who knows. But I feel like there's a reason that he's gravitated toward this particular site (twice) instead of the 18359545631328732184 other porn sites out there that are free.

I think you have every right to be pissed in this situation. Good luck to you on this--it sounds really tough.


I agree with NC. There's obviously some reason he's going to this site, although not necessarily nefarious. Personally I'd freak the f*** out if I found out my bf was on a site like this, especially if it was the 2nd time. I also think couples therapy is essential. Assuming he hasn't done anything more than join the site twice, it could still cause some trust issues that are hard to work through.

Good luck.

 



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Angry


Nine West

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Posts: 4
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i talked to him about it last night.  He tried to lie to me about it again, saying that he forgot to cancel the account after the last time.  Yeah right.  I don't know how stupid he thinks I am, but it was obviously a new account.  1) there was a different user name 2) billing started in July 3) the account information was on his gmail and he'd been using hotmail before.  Then he said that he just mean to pay for it once, and he forgot to turn off the auto renewal.  Yeah right.  Based on what I saw in his email they send a renewal message every month, and he's had the account since July, so that's five or six renewals.  Obviously if he really meant to cancel, one of the messages would have reminded him, and he'd have done it. 

I'm a very open communicator, and when we fight, he really doesn't say anything which I find really frustrating.  And this was the best he could come up:  "I don't know what to say, except i'm sorry," which really pissed me off because he's obviously not sorry - if he really cared about how much it hurt me, he wouldn't have done it a second time.  i told him that everything I do is for him and our daughter and that I didn't deserve to be disrespected and lied to.  I asked him what the big deal with this site was, when there's free porn all over the internet and he couldn't give me a good answer.  Then I asked him how he'd feel if our daugther's husband did this to her, and shouldn't he treat me the same way he'd want someone to treat her? 

I really do love him and otherwise our relationship is fine, and I doubt doubt that he loves me, but i'm not sure how to get past this.  i told him that it couldn't happen again, and that I can't be with someone who thinks it's okay to lie to and disrespect me.  He swore it wouldn't happen again, and I told him it was his last chance.  I just can't always wonder what else he's lied to me about, or what he's going to lie about.  To me the lie is much worse than the actual act, and it breaks my heart that he could just totally disregard my feelings when I've been so open about my hurt. I told him that it's made me doubt who he is as a person and a husband, and that he had to show me that he deserved to be with me.  We haven't talked about couples counseling yet but I think i'll mention it tonight - I really want to make this work but I don't think I can get over it on my own, and i'm not sure that he'll change on his own either...



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KaffeeKlatsch


Marc Jacobs

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Posts: 2347
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Oh honey, I feel for you right now. And I wish I had the right thing to say or do.
I definitely think you did and said the right things...you spoke from your heart. And I think everyone here is proud of you for taking a stand and standing up for yourself and your marriage.
I truly hope he got the message. Whoever you 'really' are, I know that if your on this forum you are a phenomenal woman...and you deserve honesty in this most important relationship.
I'm sending you hugs over the 'net and if there's any way I can help, let me know.
Just continue to remind yourself that his choices are not based on who you are. And I hope the coming new year brings about a positive change in him, and honesty and growth in your marriage.


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Bastet


Kate Spade

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I really think you both should go to counseling. It's clear that you can't trust your husband right now. He's betrayed you on so many levels. Add to that that money is tight right now and he is wasting $30/month on a hook-up website! $30/ a month is incredibly irresponsible when money is tight. He's being selfish, on top of being dishonest.

Your husband was dishonest and disrespectful to you. The ball is in his court. He needs to re-earn your trust through his actions, especially since he went through a lot to deceive you (virtual cc number and paypal). I think you both should see a counselor who can help you work through this. You shouldn't have to do it alone.

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. :(

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littlebean


Kate Spade

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I'm glad to hear that you talked to him although I'm obviously very sorry to hear that it didn't go that well. I can imagine how hurtful and frustrating it must be for you right now, but it seems like you are staying calm, which is good.

I hope that he is receptive if you do talk with him about couples counseling tonight. I think that going there together is 100% the right thing to do to figure out why he gravitates to this site and to reestablish trust. I've got my fingers crossed for you.

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blink


Coach

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Your post title says it all, doesn't it?

I have been through something similar, I did confront the issue head-on, but the result the inappropriate action is actually still evolving (haha), as I also have two young children, haven't worked in 3 years and have very minimal earning capability at this point in my life, let's just say I am on borrowed time and finessing my exit strategy.

You said it all in your confrontation.  It was clear as day.  But he doesn't get it.  Or maybe he doesn't care as much as you thought he did.

You mentioned frustration that all he could say is, "I'm sorry."  Yeah.  That's about as much as you are going to get from a man who just got caught.  We women, of course, would spill our guts in apologies, beg for forgiveness, really feel the empathy necessary for a couple to get past this.

I don't have any advice.  Just want you to know that someone understands and personally, I definitely find this behavior to be "deal-breaking" and completely unacceptable.  Sucks that it sometimes happens at a time when one can't just pack up and move on without major struggles.  Good luck working it out with him though, maybe he will make an effort to earn back your trust.

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Collette


Chanel

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Wow, he has obviously completely broken a trust you had in him. Ok and please I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way but are you sure he hasn't emailed anyone through there? I know like in my gmail account or my AOL email you can go back and actually delete sent messages. Is that a possibility through Adult Friend Finder?

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travelgirl


Kate Spade

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Oh hon-hugs to you.  Keep us posted.  Porn and "friend finder" sites are such trouble.  So disrespectful.  

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AllieGurl


Marc Jacobs

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Joining a website like that, is like looking for an affair so you have every right to be angry, upset distrustful etc.

I would have a serious conversation with him, tell him that you are unable to get pass this decit and that couples counseling is a necessity.

The situation totally sucks, I hope your able to figure things out.

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