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Post Info TOPIC: Breaking up, moving out, alcoholism... long one
XtinaStyles


Marc Jacobs

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Breaking up, moving out, alcoholism... long one
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I dated my bf for just under 3 years... We would talk about marriage, and moving in for about a year and in Sept I finally managed to do it. He moved in to a new apt around May by himself and seemed to pull away from me but I figured it was nerves, and his first taste of freedom. When we moved in, the agreement was that I would pay half the bills and groceries because right now my expenses are so high I can't really afford much more.  So now we've been living together for 2 months and I have tried my best to be suzy homemaker and make him happy to make up for the lack of finances I was giving him. I work fulltime and come home and cook for him. I do dishes, cook, clean, I scrub the tub, I pick up his clothing, etc. He refuses to pick up after himself.  Recently, I had an old credit card account which I failed to pay during college track me down and I ended up having to pay about $3K to them in 2 months. I spoke about it with bf and he was very supportive, dried my tears and said that he would help me in every way possible.  In fact more recently, I told him about how I never went to the dentist as a kid because we couldn't afford it.  He took my head in his hands and said "listen to me, as long as you're with me, I will always provide for you, you will never have to deal with that ever again"...

We had some fights about cleaning one room in the apt which I had left some boxes and bags in always meaning to unpack but making excuses. One morning he asked me to iron his shirt and because I was on my way out, and he didn't need to be at work for another 3 hours, I said no. He told me to go F*** myself. He never appologized even when I brought it up. Well, after our third fight, he stopped speaking to me for a week. Meanwhile I have 2 more creditors closing in on me, freezing my bank accounts. He didn't come home for dinner, I found girls numbers in his phone with text messages coinsiding with times that he wasn't home. Finally on Friday after I begged him to speak to me, he told me it wasn't going to work and that I need to look for a place to go. He said it was because he was "on to me" and was no longer going to be taken advantage of. He couldn't believe that I would reglect the one room while I leaned on him financially. I was so shocked so all I did was cry and tell him I loved him and I'll be better. He told me my tears won't work on him. He said I turned him into a monster because the first two times he "asked" me to clean and I ignored his efforts.

I started to blame myself and my messiness or laziness but I realize he has been drinking for a while. There were small signs but maybe I was in denial.  I once found bottles in his bedroom when he lived at home and he told me he needed a drink to go to sleep.  Since living with him I realize he doens't spend a night sober, drinks probably 2-3 bottles of vodka a week by himself. One night, he consumed an entire bottle of jack daniels (not small) by himself. I am thinking he is just so depressed and drinking is drawing him further into a hole and maybe the breakup didn't have much to do with me or my habits.   In the past, I had tried to talk to him about it and some times he would agree and say yes maybe therapy would help, more recently he made it like I was being a pest and told me to "shut up".

I have no where to go and can't afford to contrbute to the bills, if anything, I am worse off financially than what he last knew.  Plus, I threw away all my furniture so I would have to start over again. I am so deeply deeply hurt, I cried at work in the bathroom today, I have barely eaten and lost 10 lbs in less than a week. I am trying to function but find it hard.. not sure of what I'm looking for here but just seeking support or insight.. I never imagined I would have 3 creditors freezing my bank accounts, break up with my boyfriend, and be practically kicked out in the same week...



-- Edited by XtinaStyles at 15:19, 2007-11-19

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Teresa


Kate Spade

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oh my goodness, (((BIG HUG)))) as far as your BF goes, try not to take what he said personally. You know who you are and fhe was just trying to hurt you. One expression I like regarding criticism is, "if it fits, let it sit, if it doesnt apply, let it fly."
As far as the finances go, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I wish I had more to say, but just know we are here to support you!

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joy0302


Kate Spade

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I just wanted to say I am very sorry also. It is very hard to deal with addiction. I have been trying to help my friend who is going  through something similar with her husband and it is so hard.

As far as the finances and having to move just know that it will all work out. It just may not seem like it is possible right now. Maybe try talking to one of those money management companies. My husband had gotten himself into some credit cards issues when he was younger and ended up going through one of them to create an installment plan. That way the CC people would get off your back and you wouldn't have to pay a large amount now. His monthly payments were also way less than they would have been otherwise.

We are here for you!

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KaffeeKlatsch


Marc Jacobs

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lots of hugs coming your way!
sorry to read all this...i hope that you have friends and family on whom you can rely for a little extra help in getting out of this situation. and i would definitely call a credit-help agency.

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halleybird


Hermes

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leah_leanna wrote:

lots of hugs coming your way!
sorry to read all this...i hope that you have friends and family on whom you can rely for a little extra help in getting out of this situation. and i would definitely call a credit-help agency.





I totally second all of this advice. You may find Al-Anon meetings helpful, too. As difficult as it might seem right now, getting out of this relationship may be the best thing you've done for yourself in a long time. He sounds verbally abusive, and the way he made you question your own worth is scary IMO. Hang in there!

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blubirde


Chanel

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I think your instincts are spot on. His bad behavior (sounds abusive to me but I'm not there) is not your fault, no matter if he's drinking or not. The fact that he is drinking reinforces your feelings of him having issues, not you. I can't speak for you or your situation, but if he's really the guy for you, he definitely needs to get his act together before you can trust him again. He may be your "it" guy but it sounds like right now, for you, you need to get away from him. He's in some kind of downward spiral (or so it sounds) and you definitely don't want to be caught up in that.

As for the money, I agree that you should seek out a credit counseling service. They can help. Check out craigslist. You might be able to find a roommate situation that would work temporarily. If you have any friends that would be willing to let you sleep on their couch while you get your finances together, even better.

It sucks but you deserve so much more than what you're getting. It sucks but it will get better. (((hugs)))

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scarlett


Marc Jacobs

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I'm so sorry to hear this. If I remember correctly, weren't you living with your mom before? Could you move back with her temporarily while you get back on your feet, both emotionally and financially?

Living with someone will always have its share of squabbles over things like picking up and unpacking boxes, but I find it really alarming that he was becoming verbally abusive with you, drinking heavily, and also not accepting personal responsibility; i.e., saying that you're turning him into a monster. It also sounds like he's lying about his wherabouts and who he's spending time with.

Not being as financially well-off as he is doesn't mean you should have to be his housekeeper or do chores at the drop of a hat, like iron shirts on command. And also, didn't he ask you at first to support both of you on your salary while he saved all his money, ostensibly to buy a home for you someday? That and his more recent actions just really set off red flags for me. Don't let him drag you down -- take care of yourself first!



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littlebean


Kate Spade

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I'm so so sorry that you're going through this. It sounds terrible. I hope that you're able to find a friend or family member to move in with to help you get out of what sounds like an abusive relationship and to get your finances back on track. www.credit.com may be a good resource for you.

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atlgirl


Gucci

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XtinaStyles wrote:

 

When we moved in, the agreement was that I would pay half the bills and groceries because right now my expenses are so high I can't really afford much more. So now we've been living together for 2 months and I have tried my best to be suzy homemaker and make him happy to make up for the lack of finances I was giving him.


I started to blame myself and my messiness or laziness but I realize he has been drinking for a while.


-- Edited by XtinaStyles at 15:19, 2007-11-19

 


First, know that this is NOT your fault. His behavior IS abusive and whether you want to leave or not, it's best that you get out now rather than allow more of it. I'm so sorry about your finances and living situation....hopefully maybe friends or family would let you stay for a bit until you get on your feet more?

Don't blame yourself for his behavior. In my early twenties, I dated an alcoholic and it was one of the darkest periods of my life. It was so awful that it put me off the idea of dating anyone who ever even seemed like they *might* have potential problems with alcohol. He was trying "to stop" (total BS) and wanted my help...so he said. And bless my naive little heart, I thought I could help. But it never worked...if I did X, Y, or Z, it was making him drink. If I *didn't* do X, Y, or Z, it made him drink. There was more but I won't go into it all here. After I finally got the courage to leave, I spent a few months going to Al-Anon meetings, which helped a little...mostly showed me how much worse I could have had it, from what the other people there were saying about *their* relationships. But the aftermath of that time (though it was nearly twenty years ago) has in some ways, never left.

I'm not sure why you would have to pay MORE than half of the cost of groceries or rent?? Why would you feel that you would have to "make up for a lack of finances"? Wouldn't you both just pay equal shares? Was it his idea that you'd pay more? I guess it doesn't matter now...

Please focus on yourself and taking care of YOU. I know the kind of things this stress can do to you physically and even if you don't feel like it, you have to eat and keep your energy up. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but know that his behavior is indicative of worse to come and you can't stop that kind of spiral...only he can. You've done what you can for him; now you have to take care of yourself both physically and emotionally. Please keep us posted on how things are going and know that we're here in any way we can be. Big, big hugs to you!!


 



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Kelly


Hermes

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I'm just so sorry you had to go through this. Honestly, a couple things you've said about your relationship in the past raised some red flags and it sounds like everything came tumbling down at once. I'm sorry you have to deal with all this crap because I know it must be tearing you up - but I'm glad you got out while you did. Be strong! We're all pulling for you.

-- Edited by ttara123 at 10:28, 2007-11-20

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Collette


Chanel

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I'm so sorry sweetie, i second what everyone else has said. This is not your fault at all, he obviously has demons of his own he needs to deal with and though it hurts now in the long run you're going to be ok!

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Suasoria


Chanel

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And I'm so glad you're getting out before any more time goes by. You deserve so much more than what he's been capable of giving you. I also remember some concerns you had when you were talking about moving in together.

Stay strong, do not let him charm you into going back to him (alcoholics are notorious charmers)...you CAN and you WILL be able to take care of yourself.

Hey, think of your lack of furniture as a blessing in disguise - it makes it easier for you to move in with a friend or family member until you get your bearings.

And perhaps sell some of his belongings on eBay to raise some cash. (Slightly joking, but it would feel so good.)



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Shello


Kenneth Cole

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Just wanted to say that I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's not something anyone deserves, please take good care of yourself!

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XtinaStyles


Marc Jacobs

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update RE: Breaking up, moving out, alcoholism... long one
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An update of sorts - I spent the weekend away from him, when I got back, we were both civil but still there was distance.  Towards the end of the week things seemed to be friendlier, like old times.  He asked me to go away with him to the Poconos (he has a place) and I figured it would be in my best interest to patch things up, at least get along for now.  He appologized, told me he is under alot of pressure, he cannot afford to save for a house and a ring, it all hit him at once, etc etc.  He really wants to be with me, I'm the only one, etc etc.

I took the appology as it was, asked some questions and ended the convo.  Anything just to make living together better, and I have to admit part of me thought things would be ok, we could start fresh.

Last night, I checked his phone, which has has kept OFF for the last 3 weeks.  I found a message from someone "happy turkey day" he responds "wish i was with you, (insert my nickname)"  I couldn't believe he was still texting, and using the same pet name he calls me to this other girl!!!  I checked his phone bill, he has been sporadically in contact with her for 3 months now, before I even moved in.  I went insane and demanded he admit it, threatened him, then appologized for being crazy...

Today I am acting as if nothing is wrong, I ironed a shirt for him, packed a lunch for him, kissed him goodbye.  I think he is confused - he drank almost an entire bottle of vodka last night, I wonder if he thinks it was all a dream.  I think this is going to drive me insane.  I really don't have anywhere to go, I really need to stay so I can save up...

-- Edited by XtinaStyles at 15:53, 2007-11-26

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Kelly


Hermes

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Breaking up, moving out, alcoholism... long one
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I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't think it sounds like it is in your best interest to stay with him. I don't think he's as wonderful a man as you deserve.

It sounds like his alcohoism is turning him into a very manipulative person. First he is flirting with other girls, flips out because you aren't the 50s housewife he thinks you're going to be, and kicks you out. Then he tries to patch things up with a trip but is still using YOUR nickname to talk to another girl on Thanksgiving? Then when you confront him, he gets you to apologize (you did nothing wrong!), gets drunk, and acts like nothing is wrong the next morning.

I'm sorry, but this does not sound like a good situation. I don't want him to be able to hurt you anymore.

Are you staying with him because you want to, or because you don't have anywhere to go?


-- Edited by ttara123 at 15:59, 2007-11-26

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esquiress


Marc Jacobs

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Frankly, it sounds like this situation's going to get worse before it gets better. Xtina Styles, the best thing you can do for yourself is get your affairs in order so you can get out. Get a job, talk to a debt consolidation company, declare bankruptcy if you have to. Figure out a way to make it on your own. Don't kid yourself into thinking this situation will blow over--it won't. No matter how many shirts you iron.

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esquiress


Marc Jacobs

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atlgirl wrote:

I'm not sure why you would have to pay MORE than half of the cost of groceries or rent?? Why would you feel that you would have to "make up for a lack of finances"? Wouldn't you both just pay equal shares? Was it his idea that you'd pay more? I guess it doesn't matter now...


I read her story to mean that she couldn't afford to pay any rent, so she was going to pay for the groceries and keep house in exchange for not having to pay rent.
 
Xtina Styles--please know that I am rooting for you to gain the strength you need to make yourself happy.  Good luck, and may God be with you.

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NCshopper


Hermes

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So, wait...you find he's texting some other girl and then act as if nothing's wrong, iron his shirt, and pack his lunch? This guy is seriously manipulative. I understand you're doing what you can to just get by right now, but it looks like you really need to move out, sooner rather than later. I don't mean to be harsh by any means because I really want the best for you. It just sounds like you've already given this guy a bunch of second chances and it's not going to change--you'll just make yourself crazy in the process of trying to change him. So please take care of yourself.

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scarlett


Marc Jacobs

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I don't mean to be harsh either, but this guy is a master manipulator and he's doing quite a number on you. You have nothing to apologize for or feel guilty about -- he's the one doing all these bad things, not you! Don't just tell yourself you need to stay with him so you can save money or try to make things work. With the excessive drinking, infidelity, and emotional abuse you are staying in a terribly unhealthy situation that I fear could and will deeply, deeply harm you. It is much better to be on your own than unhappily in a couple, hard as it may look from this viewpoint.

There has to be somewhere you could go -- a friend, a relative, *someone* who can let you sleep on their couch. You are not trapped. Please take care of yourself.

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ILoveChoo


Hermes

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I didn't see this post until now. First off, (((hugs)))
And I agree with the other posters- you need oto get out of there NOW. Can you crash on someones couch for a few weeks? Any family in the area? Could you get some help from a women's group, maybe?

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