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Post Info TOPIC: Didn't I do this before? ~UPDATE~
kenzie


Chanel

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Didn't I do this before? ~UPDATE~
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Let me preface this by saying that the current SO, D, is nothing like the ex-bf, Stupid (if you all recall). HOWEVER...this current situation is very much reminiscent of one that I went through with Stupid and I'm just pissed.

So, here's the scoop- D and I don't live together, but his roommate announced about 5 months ago that he would be moving out within 2 months. D and I decided that we would move in together after roommate moved out. Fine. Great.

I spend a ton of time at D's house because I watch the dog if he has to work in the evening and of course, I'm here most nights to hang out with D. We can't go to my apartment because I'm not allowed to have pets and we can't leave the dog alone overnight.

So, the roommate, who we'll call JA (short for JackAss) still isn't showing any signs of moving out, but has started to be excessively rude to me in a rather passive-aggressive manner. It is also worth noting that D is the only one on the lease, JA pays rent late (and by late, I mean sometimes doesn't pay for a month at a time), hasn't paid utilities in God knows how long and 'borrows' D's computer and looks at porn (I know that it's him and not D, so this is not up for debate in this post).

Anyway, JA blatantly ignores me when I speak to him (or try to speak to him) and if he doesn't ignore me, he's very snippy with me. He slams doors and is generally hostile when I'm around. I seriously haven't done anything to this guy to deserve this treatment and I'm about sick of it. D won't ask him to move out because they've been friends for 10-plus years and he doesn't want any confrontation (typical of him), which has caused some friction with us. D suggested that he moves out of the apartment and into a new apartment with me, but he really doesn't want to move unless it's into a house that he's purchased.

I don't think that D is fully aware of how JA is treating me because D can be pretty damn oblivious and probably wants to give his buddy the benefit of the doubt. I haven't really said too much about how rude JA has been, but D knows that JA is pissed off.

I'm just annoyed that D won't just tell JA that we want to move in together and since he said he's moving out, could that happen in a timely fashion, thanks. My blood is boiling right now because I'm at D's house watching the dog and JA just came in and started slamming stuff around and acted like I was The Invisible Woman.

I'm not really sure what the point of this is other than to vent, but I went through this bullshit with a roommate/boyfriend situation before and I just don't want to go through it again. I'm ready to freak out at JA, but that's probably not the best thing to do. Of course, I could take a cue from him and be passive-agressive and ask him how the apartment hunt is going...

**Edited to fix bad grammar. Sheesh. I write for a living!*

-- Edited by kenzie at 18:52, 2007-08-23

-- Edited by kenzie at 17:27, 2007-08-24

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Elle


Hermes

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RE: Didn't I do this before?
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I hate awkward friend situations!  Bleh bleh.gif!

I don't think D has to confront JA about the situation at all - if he asks about JA's plans in a purely informational way so D himself can plan his own living situation, with no mention of you, hopefully it wouldn't inspire a fight in JA.  That's just common courtesy with roommates!

I'm sure JA is just super annoyed that you're over at their place all. the. time.  He can be annoyed all he wants and that's his choice, but it's also D's apartment, and D is on the lease and pays the utilities, and JA said he was moving out, so it's up to him to remedy this situation by moving out if it bothers him so.  I hereby validate you and declare you the One Who Is Right in this situation winner.gif!


IMO it would also be perfectly acceptable for you to speak with JA, if the time feels right and you can contain your (rightful!) hostility with him.  You could approach him with a "Hey, have I done or said something that offended you?  I notice that you seem upset alot when I'm around and I was hoping we could talk about it, for D's sake.  D mentioned that you'd been planning to move out, so we didn't think my being around would be a problem, and I really don't want to step on anyone's toes.  Hopefully we can work something out?".  Said all innocent-like, you know wink.gif.

Depending on the sort of person he is, he'll either feel a bit sheepish for being read so easily and called out, or he'll argue his perceived point.  Either way as long as you can maintain a very calm inquisitive tone I think you'd be able to get somewhere.



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littlebean


Kate Spade

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That stinks! Do you have a sense from D of why JA is being so obnoxious? Is it just that he doesn't like having someone else over at the apartment so often? If that's the case, you might try to do something(s) to reach out (obviously he's being a complete jerk and doesn't deserve it -- but it might make your life easier in the long run) -- like doing something to help spruce up the apartment, making everyone dinner, sending the dog to a nice kennel for the weekend so that you and D can hang out at your place, etc. Perhaps D could ask JA if he'd be willing to watch the dog when he's in some evening so that the two of you could hang out at your place? Although he doesn't really deserve this -- and I'm sure that you've done this sort of thing before -- every now and then a few small gestures will get someone like that to calm down. Since he's an old friend of D's, it may be best to try these sorts of conciliation/avoidence strategies.

Meanwhile, talk "seriously" to your boyfriend and ask him to check up on when his roommate is going to be moving out so that you both can plan.

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boobaby


Kate Spade

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I've been in JA's position before, all though I paid half of everything, was on the lease, did my share of the household duties, and didn't act like a passive-aggressive baby. Anyway, it sucked never being able to have the apartment that I loved to myself, to come home after a long day at work and not be able to veg out in front of the tv because my roomie gave the keys to her boyfriend so he could watch hockey. Because I valued my friendship with my roomie, I tried really hard to be polite and welcoming. I didn't want to lose a friend because her boyfriend got on my nerves. 

Strangely enough, he actually treated me like JA is treating you, like I was intruding on him. I got the silent treatment and confrontation. Like, I would be home alone watching tv, and he would show up unannounced and insult me repeatedly until I gave him the remote and retreated to my room. So I can relate to what you're going through.

When the lease was up, I was asked to leave so the boy could move in. I didn't think it was fair, but I left without trying to fight it. Who am I to stand in the way of love? As unfair as I thought the situation was, I knew I had to leave. I didn't have a roommate lined up and couldn't afford the place on my own. JA needs to grow up and move on with his life. However, getting him to see that point will probably not be easy. Sounds to me like he has a pretty good setup there (doesn't have to pay rent on time, no utilities, etc.). He's probably scared to move out because he would have to change his lifestyle.

One more thing, as much as I loved my apartment and wished I could stay in it, I didn't want to stay in that situation. So if you wanted to be the passive-aggressive one for a change, maybe you should be so obnoxious he will want to leave. wink

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blubirde


Chanel

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Elle wrote:

I hate awkward friend situations!  Bleh bleh.gif!

I don't think D has to confront JA about the situation at all - if he asks about JA's plans in a purely informational way so D himself can plan his own living situation, with no mention of you, hopefully it wouldn't inspire a fight in JA.  That's just common courtesy with roommates!

I'm sure JA is just super annoyed that you're over at their place all. the. time.  He can be annoyed all he wants and that's his choice, but it's also D's apartment, and D is on the lease and pays the utilities, and JA said he was moving out, so it's up to him to remedy this situation by moving out if it bothers him so.  I hereby validate you and declare you the One Who Is Right in this situation winner.gif!


IMO it would also be perfectly acceptable for you to speak with JA, if the time feels right and you can contain your (rightful!) hostility with him.  You could approach him with a "Hey, have I done or said something that offended you?  I notice that you seem upset alot when I'm around and I was hoping we could talk about it, for D's sake.  D mentioned that you'd been planning to move out, so we didn't think my being around would be a problem, and I really don't want to step on anyone's toes.  Hopefully we can work something out?".  Said all innocent-like, you know wink.gif.

Depending on the sort of person he is, he'll either feel a bit sheepish for being read so easily and called out, or he'll argue his perceived point.  Either way as long as you can maintain a very calm inquisitive tone I think you'd be able to get somewhere.


ITA and couldn't have said it better myself. Obviously JA is annoyed that you're always there (quite frankly, who wouldn't be?), but that doesn't give him the right to treat you badly. If he acted more like a human being instead of being pissed off all the time, he might like you and enjoy you when you're there, as opposed to just being annoyed that half of his space is infiltrated by a (dramatic music cue) girl!

He should just move out and get on with it. Unfortunately for him, everyone grows up and makes changes in life. It's the way it is. I agree with Elle's approach of asking him if you've offended him in some way and acknowledging that you know it must be difficult because you're there so often. He might back off and realize that you're not the enemy - and he might realize that the solution to his bad feelings is to make other living arrangements.

Is there any way JA would be willing to watch the dog some so he could have some alone time and you wouldn't have to be over there when D's not there (or at least not as often)?



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kenzie


Chanel

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RE: Didn't I do this before? ~UPDATE~
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blubirde wrote:

Is there any way JA would be willing to watch the dog some so he could have some alone time and you wouldn't have to be over there when D's not there (or at least not as often)?

 


In short, no. He used to 'watch' the dog before D and I were together and he doesn't take very good care of her. She is a larger dog with a lot of energy and likes to go outside frequently and run. He doesn't do that. He just goes into his room and ignores her. D said that he can tell that the dog is attached to me now, too, because I take care of her a lot.

As for the rest, here's an update---
I talked to D last night and he agreed that the behavior is wrong and that I've done nothing to deserve it. The thing is, JA is hardly ever home when I'm there anyway. If he is, he's only there to sleep because he goes out to bars almost every night of the week and lots of nights he stays at his girlfriend's house, so it really shouldn't be an issue that I'm there anyway.

D said that it's immaturity and jealousy on JA's part because it's the first time that D has a had a girlfriend that he spent so much time with and it's an adjustment for JA to not have his buddy around all the time to go out to the bars every night. Obviously, D's life has changed and instead of being happy for him, JA is acting like a child. And D thinks that he needs to grow up. He's going to just mention something to him about how the apartment hunt is going and when he plans to be out. Nothing hostile, just conversation.

But anyway, D's reaction was perfect (nothing like Stupid!) and we're on the same page about the situation. While the situation may be reminiscent of the Stupid situation, the reactions are completely different.

And as always, thanks for your advice/thoughts. If JA acts hostile around me again, I plan to approach it as Elle recommended.

 



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Elle


Hermes

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kenzie wrote:

And as always, thanks for your advice/thoughts. If JA acts hostile around me again, I plan to approach it as Elle recommended.



Y'know, I was thinking about this more today and think that if you have to resort to talking with him yourself, the odds of a decent outcome are good.  If he was a confrontational person, he would have yelled at you already!  But since he's a passive aggresive person he's probably somewhat uncomfortable with straight up confrontation, and therefore less likely to be an ass to your face.  After all, isn't the point of passive aggression to be a jerk without someone being able to flat out pin you as a jerk?!

Either way, I hope he's outta there soon!



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To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment ~ {Ralph Waldo Emerson}
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