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littlebean


Kate Spade

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help! caught in between
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I'm caught in an awkward situation and I could use some advice for how to handle it. Wedding etiquette is so tricky!

A close friend, Bride, is getting married in a destination location next year. Another close mutual friend, Left Out, and I were speaking recently about the upcoming nuptials while Left Out was visiting me. Left Out was invited to Bride's engagement party because she lives near the city the party is going to be held in. I wasn't (I don't live there), and Left Out showed me the link to the wedding website, which has lots of information about the destination wedding. It will be very expensive to get to, but Left Out and I were excitedly making plans about booking our hotel room soon so that we could be sure to have a reservation. Left Out was going out of the country for two weeks and we agreed to talk when she got back.

Meanwhile...

I was under the impression that Bride's wedding was going to be an intimate affair, so I e-mailed her about a month ago to see who she was inviting. I didn't want to mention details of the wedding to anyone who might not actually be invited. I hadn't heard back from her before Left Out's visit, but it clearly seemed like Left Out was going to be invited from her invitation to the engagement party. Well, it turns out that it's not going to be an intimate affair (300 people are being invited), but she's only inviting three of our friends from college. She listed their names, and Left Out wasn't among them.

Crap!!!! Left Out called me last night to see about booking our hotel rooms. I didn't answer the phone because I wasn't sure what to say. I don't want to tell Left Out she wasn't invited. I also don't want to tell Bride to invite her -- although I think it's really poor form to invite someone to your engagement party and not to the wedding... I'm leaning towards saying to Bride -- "Left Out just called about booking a hotel for your wedding. I wanted to avoid an awkward situation, so I just wanted to double check to see if you were inviting her?" Is that rude? I know that brides can often get really stressed out by wedding plans and I don't want to do that thing where I try to bring along someone that wasn't invited, but I don't know what else to do. Thoughts, please!

-- Edited by littlebean at 16:12, 2007-08-20

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Cricket


Gucci

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Eek!  I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle like this.  I feel for ya.  I'd probably call the bride and double check.  I wouldn't be offended if I was the bride and I was called.  You don't want to tell Left Out that she's not invited if she really is! 

What a sucky situation!

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sfclinevandy


Coach

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I don't see anything wrong with asking Bride about LeftOut. You said that Bride and you were close friends and the fact the LeftOut was invited to the engagement party so I don't think it would be weird. I've had friends ask if other friends were invited and I didn't get annoyed or think its rude because I understand that people like to coordinate their travel plans.

I do think its weird if they're having a big wedding and invited people to the engagement party but they didn't make the cut for the wedding. I'm old fashioned though... I send invitations just as a courtesy even if I know for sure a guest can not attend.

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littlebean


Kate Spade

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I think asking the bride will be the best solution. I feel awkward doing it because I have already asked her who was invited -- and Left Out wasn't on the list -- and she mentioned how she wasn't inviting many people from our group, and that she felt bad about that, but that she only wanted to invite people that she had really stayed in touch with. So I'm 99% certain that Left Out was not invited because she would fall into that category. But I think it is the most graceful thing to do to double check because perhaps that way if Bride wants to reevaluate and invite Left Out, she can.

But I'd love to keep hearing opinions about this! Especially from people who are planning weddings so that I don't make any gaffes. smile.gif

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Elle


Hermes

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I think you can ask the bride again without appearing redundant - I'd just say that you'd been talking with Leftout, and because she was invited to and attended their engagement party she was assuming she'd also be invited to the wedding, and hoped to coordinate travel plans with you.  If she doesn't seem to see the problem with it, you could continue and say that you offered to confirm for Leftout, because surely Bride wouldn't leave engagement party guests off the wedding invite list so hopefully it was an oversight?

If she was good/close enough to be invited to the engagement party, she should still be good enough to be invited to the wedding itself!  Most especially if they're inviting 300 people, not just family and very close friends.  IMO everyone invited to the engagement party should be invited to the wedding no matter how close they are/aren't, unless some huge falling out was had.  Otherwise it's like "We wanted you to come celebrate our engagement with us so thanks for that, but now we don't like you enough to invite you to the actual wedding".

-- Edited by Elle at 13:00, 2007-08-21

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To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment ~ {Ralph Waldo Emerson}
scarlett


Marc Jacobs

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I agree, the best way is to ask Bride and explain that Left Out thought she'd be invited to the wedding because she'd been invited to the engagement party, and that she had wanted to plan travel arrangements with you. It does seem to me she should be invited to the wedding -- all the etiquette books I've checked while planning my own wedding say that's a given.

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Suasoria


Chanel

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Totally agree with all of the above. It's uber-tacky to invite someone to a pre-wedding party and not invite them to the wedding. LeftOut has to be invited, and if nothing else, you should bring her as your guest - you'd probably have a blast.

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ViViDogWear


Kate Spade

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ITA with the other girls - you should call the Bride and mention Left-Out was asking you about booking travel arrangements together. IMO and according to all I've read - if you invite someone to your engagement party it is assumed thy are invited to the wedding and really in poor taste to not invite them to the actual wedding (or at least follow-up with a courtesy call to inform them).

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kittenheels


Coach

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Yikes!  That is a sticky situation.  I think a gentle call and question to the bride might be appropriate.  In my understanding, you simply don't invite guests to the wedding related events like showers or engagement parties if you aren't planning on inviting them to the actual wedding and reception.  Even if you know they can't come to the wedding, it's still a nice gesture to send an invitation.  I would be very hurt if I were your uninvited friend's position.

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