STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Metric · Gucci

I'm a rotten sister

Kelly · Hermes

Honestly? If my brother did that I'd tell him that I couldn't go. I wouldn't say it in a mean way, but I would say, "I just wanted to let you know that I won't be able to go to your wedding because I can't afford to go to Hawaii. It's breaking my heart but there's no way around it."

If you tell him before all of the planning starts, he'll have time to consider the effect that the cost is going to have on everyone and maybe they'll decide to stay closer to home. You're not saying that you don't want to go, but that you can't - and going into debt is a "can't" to me. And if you don't say anything negative (like that it's inconsiderate, or rude to your grandma, etc.) and just spin it like you're doing him a favor (by telling him early that you won't be able to go) then I don't think there's anyway he could be offended. Especially if you're asked to be a bridesmaid, this is something they'd need to know super early anyway.

Maybe throw in "someone has to stay home to take care of grandma"

ETA: you are NOT being a brat, a horrible sister, or a debbie downer! The cost of just a hometown wedding is ridiculous with the showers, gifts, parties, dresses, etc. I have trouble stomaching the travel expenses with wedding trips to a place just a couple hours away. I would basically just laugh if anyone seriously proposed I go to Hawaii to drop thousands of dollars on someone else's wedding!

-- Edited by ttara123 at 11:25, 2007-07-14

member · Hermes

I don't think your brother should expect you to go. I think when someone plans a destination wedding that will cost their guests money to fly out there, pay for a hotel, not to mention the regular costs of a wedding, they should not expect anyone to go. It's their special day and they should do what they want and have the wedding they want, but they shouldn't expect anyone else to be able to afford it. They should just tell everyone this is what we're doing - we'd love it if you can come, but if you can't afford it, we understand.

I think you should just tell him that while you'd love to see them get married, you simply cannot afford a trip to Hawaii. Maybe also mention that you know your grandma would love to see them get married, but she can't make that long of a trip. You can say it nicely w/out being snarky, and maybe he'll get the point and reconsider wink

By the way, I totally don't think you're a bad sister!

Teresa · Kate Spade

thi is a hard one, I understand why you are feeling this way, but that is a HUGE commitment he is asking of you. Has he offered to assist you financially? I would think he would be understanding if you mentioned something like "brother, I'm really strugelling to come up with the funds for Hawaii" and just see where the convo goes?

ETA: your not a rotten sister

-- Edited by collegegirl5858 at 12:43, 2007-07-14

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

I totally relate/understand where your coming from. My sis's wedding ended up costing me a couple thosand dollars I DIDNT have, and now I am really broke.

I would be honest with him -
" I am so happy for your and blank. I defintly respect your decision to get married in hawaii and I am sure it will be a beautiful wedding. Unfortunatly I dont have the money to attend, and if money were no obstacle I would be there for sure. Maybe when you get back from your honeymoon we can have a local party for all of us who cant travel , that way grandma and I will be able to share in your happy day"

Besides that, destination weddings are usually only for a small immediate family (under 25) and typically the bride and groom pay for part of the travel. Like they book the hotel rooms or something.

HTH!

ETA: your not a bad sister!

NCshopper · Hermes

How far into the planning have they gotten? Have they booked a location and put down a deposit? If not, I'd say something along the lines of the fact that you'd love to attend, but don't think you're going to be able to. Maybe that will make them reconsider.

If they have put down a deposit and this is indeed a sure thing, then I'd do what you can to go. It's not worth going into debt over by any means, but if you can save up some money and maybe find a good airfare, you should make an effort to attend. I'd hate to see you regret not going because you didn't try, you know?

kittenheels · Coach

Oh that is difficult. I don't think you are a bad sister to be concerned. Weddings are such a wonderful family event, and it would be too bad if you and your grandmother couldn't go.

I would definitely let your brother know that your finances may not permit you to travel to the wedding, and mention that your grandmother cannot attend either. If it is still in the early planning stages, they might be very receptive to a location that will allow more friends and family to attend. That said, if they have already started making reservations and things are set, I would plan on saving up to attend. Weddings are a pretty rare and special occasion to celebrate with a family, and you might feel sad down the road if you missed it. I hope it works out for you!

relrel · Marc Jacobs

We've talked about this some but I just wanted to add that I think the bigger issue here is the Grandma and not the finances. Given his finance's questionable standing in your family's eyes, this can only make it worse. Darling, talk to him about perhaps doing two ceremonies. Maybe he can do one for Grandma (which is totally important, I think) and then maybe doing something just for the two of them in the islands. What is it about Hawaii that makes them want to get married there? Is it just the thought of a cool wedding? Then nuts to the both of them. And if it's her idea, nuts to her. I think that if you make this about the finances, then somebody will find a way to pay/make you go. If you make this about family, then they really can't say no, right?

I assume that the Grandma in Canada isn't the Grandma who gave him the ring/stone that she's now wearing, right? Even if it isn't, it's pretty damn cold to shut out Grandma.

Cortney1982 · Chanel

Why can't they just save Hawaii for the honeymoon?

Kelly · Hermes

relrel wrote:

Maybe he can do one for Grandma (which is totally important, I think) and then maybe doing something just for the two of them in the islands.

This is a great idea...my aunt and her husband did a second wedding on a beach on their honeymoon, because it came with their honeymoon package, and I think they had a blast. Especially because they were on vacation, the hard part was over, and it was just the two of them and the sunset

littlebean · Kate Spade

kittenheels wrote:

Oh that is difficult. I don't think you are a bad sister to be concerned. Weddings are such a wonderful family event, and it would be too bad if you and your grandmother couldn't go.

I would definitely let your brother know that your finances may not permit you to travel to the wedding, and mention that your grandmother cannot attend either. If it is still in the early planning stages, they might be very receptive to a location that will allow more friends and family to attend. That said, if they have already started making reservations and things are set, I would plan on saving up to attend. Weddings are a pretty rare and special occasion to celebrate with a family, and you might feel sad down the road if you missed it. I hope it works out for you!

I basically agree with this. It's too bad that your Grandma won't be able to go, but from what you've said, they already realize that she won't be able to come. So I don't think I would push them about that, except to suggest having a party at home so that everyone who can't come to Hawaii can celebrate together, such as Grandma. That's a great idea.

If you're in a position to save money for this and go, you should probably try to do it. If it would involve going into debt, then you should talk to him (maybe also your parents?) and tell him that you may not be able to make it in the very nice way that other people have suggested.

Also, you're definitely not a rotten sister! All of my friends are getting married right now it seems, and since we all live far apart in the country/world, the weddings are all over the place and are costing SO much time and money to attend. The situation is totally frustrating to me for the same reasons as you! I want to take a vacation that doesn't involve a wedding! Not to mention save. But, I'm trying to suck it up because I want to be part of the occasion for close friends and familiy (plus, I'll probably put them in a similar situation one day) and I can technically "afford" it even if I would much rather spend/save on other things. If you can't afford it, though, definitely just tell him you can't go and there's nothing to be ashamed of.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

AllieGurl wrote:
I totally relate/understand where your coming from. My sis's wedding ended up costing me a couple thosand dollars I DIDNT have, and now I am really broke. I would be honest with him - " I am so happy for your and blank. I defintly respect your decision to get married in hawaii and I am sure it will be a beautiful wedding. Unfortunatly I dont have the money to attend, and if money were no obstacle I would be there for sure. Maybe when you get back from your honeymoon we can have a local party for all of us who cant travel , that way grandma and I will be able to share in your happy day" Besides that, destination weddings are usually only for a small immediate family (under 25) and typically the bride and groom pay for part of the travel. Like they book the hotel rooms or something. HTH! ETA: your not a bad sister!

I totally agree. I think it is not right to expect that he would change the location for you, and I think its not your place to worry that grandma might not make it. I would mention the finances, for all you know, he might be willing to help, or give you a loan to take care of it. I'm sure they have considered that not many people will be able to attend due to traveling.

subwolley · Kate Spade

My brother did the same thing at his wedding. They decided to get married way down in Mexico, and no one could go. My grandmother was ill and could fly. My dad couldnt make it, because it was too expensive. I also couldnt go for that reason. The only people that went were my mom and my sister. It cost too much, and was really inconvenient. Anyone attending would have to fly for 6-8 hours, and then drive 2 hours to where ever it was. So I never got to see my brother get married. I think if you are going to have a wedding it needs to be as convenient for guests as possible if you want people to attend.

Suasoria · Chanel

I see both sides. On the one hand it's their day ("ITD") and all that, and they should do what they want. On the other, I agree with everyone who suggests telling him as soon as possible that you're broken-hearted because the trip will cost too much. Perhaps he will be motivated to consider whether he really wants to have the wedding without some of his closest family members there - just don't be surprised if he doesn't change his mind, since...ITD.

It sounds like you have some time until the event, so maybe by then things will be different financially or others in the family will help you pay for the trip.

I really don't envy you for having to have this conversation - with my bro and me, it could easily disintegrate into very touchy territory - but I think I would always regret not going to his wedding, even if it meant cutting my own hair and eating ramen for the next five years.

jj · Kate Spade

What a tough situation - I agree with everyone else that you don not have to go.

However, I probably wouldn't approach him by saying you can't afford to go, and then shortly therefter put down payment on a house. It might cause more resentment from him - like you lied to him about not having the money to go.

I've been in situations where people say they can't do something because it's too expensive, then drop a huge chunk of cash on something else. I would rather they were honest and say "I'm sorry, but I have XXX amount of money, and my priority right now is saving for a house, car, whatever." Just a thought.