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Post Info TOPIC: Should I Be Honest?
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Marc Jacobs

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Should I Be Honest?
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Ttara's post Inspired me to get this off my chest and try to make sense of it.
I don't know what to do,but one thing I do know is I want to stay with my bf.
Sorry this is so long.
Sorry if this post sounds all crazy and confusing.
So I have been with my bf for a year and a half, it is a long distance relationship and we have only had one slight problem in that time with communication issues. Basically him not telling me about how he is feeling. I had made him promise to share his feelings with me from then on, so right now I feel like a huge hypocrite not telling him how I feel.

So over the past month I have been debating whether I should tell him that I think I want to have children some day.
When we first met we had a conversation about children(he has two grown daughters) I told him that I never planed to have any children, which was completely true, ever since I was little I had never seen my life with kids in it. I have always though children are great, but just not right for me. Anyway this worked great since he had a vasectomy 19 years ago.

Fast forward to this past month where I have started having these strong feeling of wanting to have child when I ever I am out and see a baby or one of you girls post cute pics of your kids. Its gotten so bad that the other day when I was at the mall I was cutting through the baby department to get to the escalator and I burst into tears right in the middle of Macys!
Anyway, I am debating why I am suddenly having these feelings and if my bf needs to know how I feel.

I have a history of getting frightened when a relationship I am in becomes very serious and I can see a future with this person, and finding a way to sabotage it.( I know that sounds crazy). Which is what I am worried that is what I am doing here, finding a way to sabotage myself. In September I will be moving closer to my bf, and at the beginning of this month I signed the lease to an apartment. This was around the same time I started to think I wanted to have a child some day.

I would tell him how I feel but I am afraid he will want to break things off because he can never give me a child and I know he wouldnt want me to give something like that up for him. That is why he was relived to find out when we first met that I didnt ever want kids.
On the other hand about three months ago I had a strange conversation with him where he mentioned about reading about vasectomy reversal and asking his cousin who had the surgery done about it.  He said that was something he would never do because it sounded way to painful and risky. When I asked him why he was inquiring about that to start with, he said he was just curious. I found that all very odd though.


So do I come clean and tell him that my feelings about having a child might have changed?
Or do I just keep quiet and wait it out to see if it just my fear of commitment fueling my desire to have a child or if I really do want a child?



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To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.- Ralph Waldo Emerson
AllieGurl


Marc Jacobs

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Arnt you still rather young? It makes sense that if you are still young , that you may very well change your mind as you get older that you want children. If I remember from your previous posts, your BF is alot older than you. He already has had the opportunity to have children and has already expierenced that part of his life.

I would definitly be honest. I am always a firm believer it telling the truth to your mate.

My advice - tell him your feelings, dont be afraid to share with him these feelings.

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xoxo gossip girl!
littlebean


Kate Spade

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I don't think there's any harm in telling him and it's good to let him know your thoughts. Since this is just a very recent thought (which has come up in the midst of life changes), you're just opening up a conversation about your current feelings. Who knows how you'll feel down the line. You're not making any decisions about it right now. And I certainly think that loving couples can find out all sorts of ways to make having children together work when that's what they want, so there's no reason why his vasectomy has to mean that you guys can't have a family together if that's what you want.

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Kelly


Hermes

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Well, first of all, there are all kinds of options for having kids - adoption, getting a sperm donor, etc. A vasectomy shouldn't stop all that. But why did he get one in the first place? Was it something medical or was it because he didn't want any children? That would definitely make a big difference, of course!

But really, this is a big thing. If you want children, you deserve to have them. When you talk to him, you don't have to be sure. All you have to tell him is that you're not as sure about *not* having them as you were before. If you plan on having a future with him, or picture him there with your hypothetical kids, then this is something you can't really avoid.

Of course I don't know a lot about your romantic history, but I actually don't think this is about you wanting to sabatoge the relationship. Quite the opposite - now that you're in a relationship and in love, maybe your feelings about everything have changed and wanting a baby is a natural reaction to a close relationship (I'm not saying everyone in love must have a baby! but it's often a by-product of falling in love!) There's absolutely no problem in that. I actually never saw myself having kids until BF. But being with him brought out all the hardcore warm-fuzzies in me and now I can't imagine not having them, no matter who I end up with. But when you say "sabatoge," what do you mean? That can remain a rhetorical question, but if you break up with people for valid reasons, I don't think that's sabatoge. That's knowing what you want and not settling for less. With every serious relationship I have that has ended, it's usually over something big like that - issues like kids, or religion, or lifestyle. It's not sabatoge to want what you want and be willing to find it.

Anyway, I agree with AllieGurl. Talk to him. Even if it's just "I don't know what to do, but I'm not as sure anymore about not having children." At the very least, it will get you talking.

Good luck! I know this must be so hard! :hugs:


-- Edited by ttara123 at 01:58, 2007-07-12

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Fashion is art you live your life in. - Devil Wears Prada | formerly ttara123
blink


Coach

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Posts: 1652
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I think you could be honest about this.  The feeling of wanting to have a baby when you used to think didn't is actually pretty common, isn't it?  Life changes all the time, so people have to be open about it when feelings change too.  Give him a chance to understand this from you, it's worth the risk.  Maybe he has thought about it too.



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Marc Jacobs

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Posts: 2257
Date:
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Thanks girls.All of your input has really helped.
I am going to go ahead and tell him how I am feeling. he is supposed to come see me this weekend,so I will try talking with him then.
I wouldn't want kids for at least 3 more years though.

Alligurl: You remembered right,I am a lot younger then him.He is 47 and I'm 23.

ttara: He had the vasectomy while he was married to his ex wife who is also his childrens mother.After the girls were born his ex wife was going to have tubal ligation. So my bf decided that it would be much easier for him to get a vasectomy then for her to go through major surgery.

As far as me sabotaging things goes,the only reason I say that is when things start to go well in a relationship I start analyzing and picking at it trying to find reason why it might not work. I had never thought until you mentioned it that maybe I am having these feelings because of my relationship with my bf.
That really makes sense. Also combined with the fact that I know he is a great father, since his girls were 12 years old he actually rasied them as a single father with very little help from there mother.


__________________
To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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