STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

blubirde · Chanel

Friend's about to get engaged to the wrong guy.

brazilian · Dooney & Bourke

My friends and I had a conversation about this. I think that if you just dont like him, you should not say anything. It might hurt her feelings, it might make her uncomfortable to talk to you about their relationship. But, if you dont like him because he treats her horribly, then you DO need to say something. Then its up to her what she does. She might be a bit upset that you said something, but she might be thankful that someone cared enough to say something.

Just a personal note from my conversation with my friends----

One of my friends said she would definately want us to say something to her if we thought a guy wasn't treating her right. She thought that she would do it for us, so we should do the same for her. Another one of my friends said the same thing, but I dont think she would listen to us. She was with a guy who didnt treat her right. I gave her advise when she needed it, but I dont think I ever said, "he treats you like crap, leave him." If I did, I still dont think she would have listened. She keeps going back to him, so I guess I just figure...why say anything?

I guess where I'm getting at is, if you say something, you know you did your part as a friend. Then its up to her. If you dont say anything, and she ends up getting really hurt, then you might feel bad that you never said anything to her.

NCshopper · Hermes

You're right not to say anything. If it's an issue of him just not getting along with everyone, don't say anything. If he were physically abusive or a drug addict or something, then I think you should say something, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

I was in a situation when I got engaged where my best friend in college told me she didn't think I should marry my husband because she didn't care for him that much. Well, long story short, her telling me that did nothing but strain my relationship with her. So unless you see her as being in actual danger, don't say anything. If he's not right for her and doesn't treat her well, she'll figure it out eventually and then she'll have you there for support. And, my hunch is that she already knows you don't like him and it's not something that needs to be said.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

If he did seem to be abusing her in any way, physical or emotional, I'd say to go right ahead and talk to her. One potential opener: does she seem happy? Asking her if she's happy is a manner of getting at the same subject, but in a way that won't necessarily make her feel defensive in the way that saying "I don't like your boyfriend" would. You could say, "Things seem so serious between you two -- how do you feel about spending your lives together?" And if she really does seem unhappy at times, or has visibly looked upset when he's treated her disrespectfully in front of you and other friends, you could ask her how that makes her feel, or say "You seemed upset last week -- I don't want to cross the line, but are you okay?"

If she's about to get engaged, she might welcome the chance for an introspective talk anyway. One of my friends broke off her engagement in the fall and told me she wished people had asked her how she was feeling when she was engaged, instead of just "when's the wedding?" because she had so much emotion and even doubt about the whole thing.

littlebean · Kate Spade

I am going through this same exact thing myself. My best friend for years and years is in a serious relationship of three years that is heading towards engagement. The guy isn't abusive, but he isn't that likeable. Much more importantly, though, I think he makes her really unhappy on a fundamental level and that she has just stuck with the relationship because she thinks there's no one else out there who would ever love her. (And this isn't just something that I have come up with on my own -- she has said it herself.)

I've decided that if they get engaged, once there is a quiet opportunity, I want to sit down with her and have a heart to heart. I don't think that it's a good idea to tell her that I dislike him or think he's bad for her. What I do want to do is sit down and ask her, very sincerely, "Is this what you really, really want?" My plan is to say that sometimes I worry that it isn't, and that I just want her to be happy and so I felt like I had to ask her. And that I want her to tell me, really and truly, that she is thrilled to be engaged and confident that she'll be happy in the future. And if she says it, I will accept it (and try to do so wholeheartedly) and get behind her relationship as much as I possibly can. Maybe this would be a good option for you, too? Ultimately you've got to get behind your friend's happiness -- after all, none of us knows what goes on behind the scenes in a relationship, either for good or for bad -- but I also think that as a dear friend you should give your friend the opportunity to tell someone how she really feels without any confrontation or negativity towards the guy, in case she is getting married for the wrong reasons.

boobaby · Kate Spade

I went through this with my bff and her awful husband. He was mean, self-absorbed, depressive, an intellectual snob, had no social skills - just generally unpleasant. I wanted to shake some sense into her and kick his ass everytime I hung around them. I kept my mouth shut because in my experience, you absolutely cannot meddle in someone's relationship and keep the friendship together. Hell, my mom even met him for 5 minutes and told me later my bff should run for the hills because he was lazy and selfish and she would be miserable with him. She picked up on that instantly - the wisdom of the older woman, I guess

As the marriage went on and she was increasingly unhappy, I let her vent but I never told her what I thought she should do. I just told her she had to do whatever she felt was necessary to be happy. When the marriage finally imploded, I was there for her. Eventually, I told her I never cared for him and I even told her what my mom said years earlier. She laughed and asked why I never said anything. Then she admitted that she didn't speak to her brother and sister-in-law for two years because they sat her down and told her they thought she was making a huge mistake right before the wedding.

My whole point is, you cannot win in these situations. If you say something, you may become alienated from your friend. I think the only thing you can do is be there for her because sadly, she has to make these mistakes herself.

squishy · Coach

boobaby wrote:
I went through this with my bff and her awful husband. He was mean, self-absorbed, depressive, an intellectual snob, had no social skills - just generally unpleasant. I wanted to shake some sense into her and kick his ass everytime I hung around them. I kept my mouth shut because in my experience, you absolutely cannot meddle in someone's relationship and keep the friendship together. Hell, my mom even met him for 5 minutes and told me later my bff should run for the hills because he was lazy and selfish and she would be miserable with him. She picked up on that instantly - the wisdom of the older woman, I guess

As the marriage went on and she was increasingly unhappy, I let her vent but I never told her what I thought she should do. I just told her she had to do whatever she felt was necessary to be happy. When the marriage finally imploded, I was there for her. Eventually, I told her I never cared for him and I even told her what my mom said years earlier. She laughed and asked why I never said anything. Then she admitted that she didn't speak to her brother and sister-in-law for two years because they sat her down and told her they thought she was making a huge mistake right before the wedding.

My whole point is, you cannot win in these situations. If you say something, you may become alienated from your friend. I think the only thing you can do is be there for her because sadly, she has to make these mistakes herself.

completely ditto; i couldn't have said it better.

joy0302 · Kate Spade

Boobaby has it down completely. Several years back my BFF at the time was dating a horrible guy. I ended up finding out that he had another girlfriend and another friend and myself told her about it thinking it was the right thing to warn her of this. That is when I learned my lesson about butting in. She ended up mad at us and so did he. Eventually he got her pregnant and left her, but until then she didn't believe a word we said. Like Boobaby said that is the time to be there when she finally realizes he is a creep, but to tell her that before she sees it for herself is just going to damage your friendship.

blink · Coach

I think you should speak up. You just have to be diplomatic about it and keep it both honest and kind at the same time. Especially if this guy is possibly verbally abusive and rude to her, you are right to want to express your concerns about him. You don't have to tell her that you don't like him, just let her know you care about her and want her to be careful before stepping into a marriage with the guy. Let her know that you are there for her.

dangergirl · Kate Spade

personally i don't think it would go down well if you said something, no matter how tactfully/sensitively you put it

greendiamond · Marc Jacobs

If you do decide to say something, I think you should do it BEFORE she gets engaged.

Once she is engaged she may not feel like she can end it, or would be embarassed to. Besides, an engagement puts extra excitement into the relationship, and you feel as giddy as when you first met the person, so she would be especially unlikely to heed your advice.

-gd

blubirde · Chanel

I don't think I'm going to say anything. I thought about what everyone said, and I think the best advice is just to be there if she needs me and back off of anything more. She'll get that we don't particularly care for him without me saying anything. It blows but it's not my life or my decision, right?

I just hope she doesn't regret it...