STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

NCshopper · Hermes

Grrrrrrr...my bff is pissing me off! (long)

jacks435 · Kenneth Cole

Could you nicely tell her how you feel? Maybe say something like, "I'm glad you want to see me in NY, but I wish you could come visit me at home. I've lived here for four years and you've never visited me. This year, I don't have much vacation time, and it frustrates me when you expect me to meet you in another city when you know that's not really feasible for me right now. I just wish you could make more effort to visit."

How do you think she'd react?

Farrah · Marc Jacobs

Okay, when I quickly glanced at the title of this post I thought it said that you were having trouble with your BF. I was like, "WHAT?! She is married and she has a BF?! Naughty girl!!" HAHAHAHA!!

Based on the fact that you two have such a long history I think that you just need to be brutally honest with her. That is the beauty of friendships like the one you two have. Tell her exactly what you told us, especially the part about you feeling as if she is using you until the next guy pops up and that she is not being realistic w/ her expectations. Good luck!!

squishy · Coach

Farrah wrote:
Based on the fact that you two have such a long history I think that you just need to be brutally honest with her. That is the beauty of friendships like the one you two have. Tell her exactly what you told us, especially the part about you feeling as if she is using you until the next guy pops up and that she is not being realistic w/ her expectations. Good luck!!

nc, you aren't being irrational!!

i agree with farrah. since it seems like she repeats this kind of behavior, don't be too nice or apologetic; it makes it easier to be flippant/dismiss your legitimate concerns. she seems to be getting much more out of your friendship than she's contributing, and her asking you to come to boston/NY doesn't count. she might get pissed, but since you guys have such a deep, longstanding friendship, she has to come around.

i have a very important friend who's been like this, and in her case, she was just oblivious (and kind of flakey, but that's a different story). i hope everything works out for you!

NCshopper · Hermes

Hahahaha...that's funny Farrah!

Thanks ladies! I ended up emailing her and basically said, "You know...I'm not going to beat around the bush. I've lived here for 4 years and you've never visited me and my feelings are hurt that you're going to go visit this dude before you come visit me. I feel like the invitation to go to NY with you was an afterthought and personally, if I take time off to hang out with you, I want to hang out with you, and not a bunch of other people."

Anyway, she was totally receptive and great about it and made me feel better. I feel like since we've been friends for so long that we can fight like sisters sometimes. I love her to pieces, but sheesh! she can piss me off sometimes!

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

Anyway, she was totally receptive and great about it and made me feel better. I feel like since we've been friends for so long that we can fight like sisters sometimes. I love her to pieces, but sheesh! she can piss me off sometimes!

Yeah that is definitly a sister relationship!! SO glad everything worked out!!

Kitty · Hermes

I'm glad you had the guts to just come out and tell her how you're feeling. Even if things kind of blow up in the short term, it will be best in the long run and it was definitely the best thing to do for the sake of your friendship.

My fiance was in a similar situation with his sister. Basically, she hasn't visited him in like 15 years and is always expecting us to go visit her and her two kids. My fiance was internalizing this forever and really bothered by it...I eventually talked him into just confronting his sister and he did. Things were kinda wierd at first, but it's definitely opened up the lines of communication.

-- Edited by Kitty at 20:45, 2007-04-23

Suasoria · Chanel

NC, your friend sounds a bit like the one I ditched about five or six years ago. We had been best friends since elementary school, drifted apart in HS, got closer again in college, then drifted apart again afterwards. Now that we're no longer friends, I find it's not as big of a loss as I thought it would be. I still have the memories and blah blah blah ginger.

It got to a point where she put zero effort into getting together even though at the time we were living like a mile away from each other. Maybe this will make you laugh: after I bought my first house I had a housewarming party, and then another big party a few months later. She used the same lame-ass lie about why she couldn't come both times. Somehow she totally forgot she'd already used that excuse.

The excuse was that it was the ONLY weekend this whole year that she was able to take off work, so she was going up to San Francisco to visit another old friend. Three months later...same excuse (same friend, even).

At that point I decided I was done. I didn't bother to tell her I was angry and that I wasn't going to try anymore...and in the last five or six years, she hasn't asked. It's funny, because it seems like she hasn't even noticed that we don't talk and I don't answer her stupid emails.

NCshopper · Hermes

Suasoria wrote:
NC, your friend sounds a bit like the one I ditched about five or six years ago. We had been best friends since elementary school, drifted apart in HS, got closer again in college, then drifted apart again afterwards. Now that we're no longer friends, I find it's not as big of a loss as I thought it would be. I still have the memories and blah blah blah ginger.

Umm...great story. Maybe you missed the part where I said not to suggest ditching the friendship. It's not an option.

Suasoria · Chanel

Wow. I'm a little taken aback. I didn't mention my experience to suggest you should ditch your friendship too. I just wanted to share my experience with my own, kinda self-centered, childhood-sisterfriend.

I'm so sorry if what happened with me and my friend offends you, and also sorry if you didn't like it. It was not easy to write it, even after all this time, and it appears I shouldn't have. (?) I apologize if you didn't find anything of value in it. If you like I'll delete/edit it. I don't mind.

NCshopper · Hermes

Suasoria wrote:

Wow. I'm a little taken aback. I didn't mention my experience to suggest you should ditch your friendship too. I just wanted to share my experience with my own, kinda self-centered, childhood-sisterfriend.

I'm so sorry if what happened with me and my friend offends you, and also sorry if you didn't like it. It was not easy to write it, even after all this time, and it appears I shouldn't have. (?) I apologize if you didn't find anything of value in it. If you like I'll delete/edit it. I don't mind.

I'm sorry--I shouldn't have lashed out at you like that. I understand where you're coming from--I've had to say goodbye to friendships too and it sucks and it's hard. I tend to be a bit defensive of my bff and our friendship because of what we've gone through. So anyway, don't feel bad about posting what you did--I took it to mean you were giving advice and that's not what you meant by it, so we're good. smile

I'm sorry about your friendship, by the way. It's never an easy decision to make to let someone go, even when the relationship isn't worth the trouble anymore.

Suasoria · Chanel

Kewl. Whew.