STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

ivegotissues · Nine West

how to deal with this?

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

why don't you suggest that you guys do Girls' Nights sometimes? You don't even have to allude to the fact that you're tired of hanging out with the boyfriends all the time, just say "we need a night with no guys allowed!" or whatever... just promote the idea that it's about girly bonding... and then keep having girls nights every so often.

ivegotissues · Nine West

sephorablue wrote:
why don't you suggest that you guys do Girls' Nights sometimes? You don't even have to allude to the fact that you're tired of hanging out with the boyfriends all the time, just say "we need a night with no guys allowed!" or whatever... just promote the idea that it's about girly bonding... and then keep having girls nights every so often.

I guess I should have said that I've tried that. It doesn't work so well.

kmd · Kate Spade

Have you tried just telling them how you feel? I bet they'd understand where you're coming from.

blubirde · Chanel

kmd wrote:
Have you tried just telling them how you feel? I bet they'd understand where you're coming from.

I second this. As a girl with a boyfriend and a girl who has been the only single girl in the room, I come at it from both points of view. Personally I try to spend girl time with all my friends (for my benefit as well as that of the friendship) but in my experience, everyone is not that way. Even with a bf, I still find myself asking my girlfriends with bfs if we can hang out without the boys.

When I was single, I made a point to ask point blank (sometimes rudely in retrospect) if we could hang out without the boys. I'd definitely mention it to your friends and tell them that sometimes you need girlfriend time, although you love the guys they're with. I'm not sure if it's better to tell them you feel like a 5th wheel or not. It could go both ways... but nonetheless as friends, they definitely should understand you wanting to hang out with them and talk about sex, aunt periods (hee), or whatever other girl things you want to talk about without being hampered by silly little boys.

lynnie · Chanel

ugh that annoys me for you. i've been in serious relationships and i've never, ever wanted my bf always there. Sometimes, yes, but i'm not codependant. and i've been in that "fifth wheel" position too. its not even that i want to talk about girl stuff- its just that i don't want to be reminded that the world (espec. my friends) is all coupled up. Even when I'm part of a couple I feel this way. when i see a friend that can't tear herself away from her bf, i feel i've "lost her" or that somehow, we just don't relate anymore.

I'd tell them straight up how you feel, even if it could make them defensive. just out of curiousity- why do you think they always bring the boys along? do they feel bad because their bf would be alone at home? Do they not get enough face time w/their bfs either? i'm just trying to make sense of this common predicament.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Can you plan outings for different times? Like if you're hanging out on a weekend night, they're probably going to expect to have the boyfriends along because most couples like to spend weekend nights together. But if you're doing a Sunday afternoon thing, the guys probably have a game or somethign that they'll want to watch and won't even want to come out. If you coudl do things right after work, too, and meet them near their office, they probably woud be less likely to make the boyfriend come out to meet them, like they would if they went home to change first. I don't know if you've already tried this, though.

Kelly · Hermes

ivegotissues wrote:
sephorablue wrote:
why don't you suggest that you guys do Girls' Nights sometimes? You don't even have to allude to the fact that you're tired of hanging out with the boyfriends all the time, just say "we need a night with no guys allowed!" or whatever... just promote the idea that it's about girly bonding... and then keep having girls nights every so often.
I guess I should have said that I've tried that. It doesn't work so well.

It is my #1 pet peeve when my girl friends don't listen when I ask if we can go out without the boys. Only one day last year did I say it was absolutely mandatory that no guys come - note ven our guy friends - just to get ice cream on my birthday, for crying out loud! And one girl still brought her BF. The next week she brought him to a clothing swap a bunch of us girls were having. What the hell does he have to do while we all trade clothes??

Anyway, this isn't the best solution, but with some of them I've started calling them up when I know their boyfriend is in class or at work. It's annoying to have to hang out around the times I know their BF won't be there, but sometimes I just can't stand the guys my girlfriends pick to date!!!

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

ttara123 wrote:
Only one day last year did I say it was absolutely mandatory that no guys come - note ven our guy friends - just to get ice cream on my birthday, for crying out loud! And one girl still brought her BF. The next week she brought him to a clothing swap a bunch of us girls were having. What the hell does he have to do while we all trade clothes??

Holy crap, OK, I officially don't get it! I don't understand a) what could possibly make someone think it was OK to bring her boyfriend to a party in total disregard of the birthday girl's preference and b) what kind of girl would think it would be fun for her boyfriend to go to a clothing swap for god's sake, and finally, c) what kind of guy would agree to GO to a clothing swap...

I give up!

jacL · Coach

Sorry, I don't have any advice for you but I don't understand why these guys don't have their own "guys nights." Maybe they don't have friends and their GFs feel bad so drag them along? Maybe they don't get much couple time so they try to incorporate couple time with friend time?

Next time just start talking about your period. Maybe that will scare them away.

ivegotissues · Nine West

Thanks, everyone. I don't get it either. Even when I'm with someone, I don't feel the need to drag them out with me all the time. It should also be mentioned that both of these girls get plenty of time with their guys- one lives with him, the other might as well be. So, it's not for lack of time that they drag these guys out. And these guys do have other guy friends, so it's beyond me what the reason is for it.

I can't believe that some girls just can't tear themselves away for one night to go out with the girls!! If I ever get like that, my friends can feel free to tell me off b/c I find it kind of pathetic and co-dependent. Anyway, I think maybe I'm just going to have to say something b/c I've tried the other things you all mentioned. Thanks again!

kmd · Kate Spade

You're doing the right thing, girl!

Kelly · Hermes

sephorablue wrote:
ttara123 wrote:
Only one day last year did I say it was absolutely mandatory that no guys come - note ven our guy friends - just to get ice cream on my birthday, for crying out loud! And one girl still brought her BF. The next week she brought him to a clothing swap a bunch of us girls were having. What the hell does he have to do while we all trade clothes??

Holy crap, OK, I officially don't get it! I don't understand a) what could possibly make someone think it was OK to bring her boyfriend to a party in total disregard of the birthday girl's preference and b) what kind of girl would think it would be fun for her boyfriend to go to a clothing swap for god's sake, and finally, c) what kind of guy would agree to GO to a clothing swap...
I give up!

I think the kind of guy who would go to a clothing swap is the kind who dates the kind of girl who won't come hang out with me and the girls when she's a block away and just watching her boyfriend work on his car with a friend. They live together, but she will still wake up at 8am to follow her BF over to a guy friend's house, watch them work on cars until 8pm with no one else to hang out with, even complains about the fact that she had to do that all day...but still won't leave if I call her up!

I really don't like him, but I Love her to death, and I hate that they're so dependent on each other. My boyfriend lives 100 miles away, but if he's doing something pointless that I don't want to do he'll have a hell of a time dragging me out! Right now I'm at his apartment for the weekend. He's out at a bar seeing some band but I'm playing on ST and watching TV for a few hours because I didn't have fun last time I went with him to this sort of thing, and he has other friends there, so no harm done!

I agree that this level of co-dependency is not healthy at all. It hurts to see people in these kind of relationships, because I just don't know how they'll manage if and when they break up. I think a lot of people (like the couple I just talked about) don't break up simply because they don't know how to function without each other - not because they're at all good for each other.

jacL wrote:
Next time just start talking about your period. Maybe that will scare them away.

haha I've definitely done this. If nothing else, talking very bluntly about vaginal bleeding will get the guy to go to the bathroom or the bar for a couple minutes!

-- Edited by ttara123 at 23:23, 2007-01-20

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

My advice -

Sit the girls down seperatly and tell each of them that you feel like you are missing out on having just girl time.

I they cant respect this, or are to attatched to there BF's to honor this request then I would start looking on building some new friendships that will enjoy girl time. You can never have enough friends!

Suasoria · Chanel

I can attest that living together makes it harder to get this time w/ the girls, not easier. One, you're worried about how he'll feed and care for himself while you're gone, and two, it's an issue of 'oh good, something ELSE to do besides look at each other all night.'

Dizzy has great advice about alternative ways of socializing. Take a friend out for a long boozy lunch sometime when her boss is gone. Meet for coffee before work, for brunch, or during other off hours when people are less likely to see it as couple time.

One way to manage this is to start dating someone truly awful, and let your friends beg YOU for girl time.

Another way is to bring another male or female buddy, or both, or some of each, as many people as you need, until you feel comfortable. I think you see where I'm heading here.

Realistically, I think this is something that will just get worse, and more uncomfortable for you, until you deal with the underlying issue. People you know will date, mate, marry, breed children, divorce, date, remarry, whatever, and their lives wil go on normally with or without you.

In appreciation of you going incognito with an assumed ID so you feel free to discuss this openly, I'm going to do the same in telling you straight: what makes you "feel awkward" is you, not them. They're doing their normal social thing. What's making you feel this way? You like your friends, you like their men. What's the real issue? Are they boring now that they're coupled? It's totally OK to admit that. Are you shy or uncomfortable in a larger group? Feeling like you need more attention than you get during these group hangouts? Just sentimentally wanting to live in the old days, before boyfriends? There's something here that you're not aware of or not open to, and I can't really guess what it is - but you know.

Sure, you can say you're going through a phase where it's irritating to be around people in happy relationships, and hopefully your friends will appreciate and respect that, temporarily. But that isn't a long-term solution to what's really bothering you.

I semi-joke with my girlfriends who announce that they're pregnant that it's the end of our friendship, because I refuse to be stuck in tape-looped conversations about onesies and binkies and nappies. But jokes aside, it is a fact of life that people grow and change. Your challenge is to try to grow and change at the same pace and in the same direction, ideally. If you don't, then these old friendships won't continue to feed you like they did before. It's natural and totally OK...just not that nice to think about.