STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

am i totally cold?

nunzi182 · Kate Spade

Unless I'm pretty unfeeling too, I really don't think you're being cold. They have a history of financial unstability and he has bailed them out before. This is backwards...parents are supposed to be your rock, not the other way around. When you start a life together you have to make decisions together and the fact that your bf agrees with you not only means you are on the same page, but lends to the fact that you are both making the right decision for your future together. Good luck with everything.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

no you are totally justified--they are two capable, able-bodied adults who can't even take care of themselves without being a financial burden on their children?

that said, the fact that they're even having this conversation with him is a huge red flag that they're going to continue to behave irresponsibly, so you should, unfortunately, be prepared for this to be a recurring problem. It's an incredibly good thing that you and he are on the same page about how you want to handle it, because it sounds like you probably will have to deal with it over and over. Especially once they become elderly--it doesn't sound like they're the kind of people who've saved for retirement--so it seems like there's a real possibility you could wind up being responsible for them once they are too old or unhealthy to work. I'm sure this is nothing you haven't thought of--just chiming in to say I think your attitude is quite fair and quite right but that nevertheless, you should probably be prepared to have this be a recurring problem. Good luck hon!

squishy · Coach

*sigh*. oh my. it sounds like complete role reversal. i understand parents being in a temporary bind, but to continually impose themselves on their child like that is... well, rude and almost irresponsible. D gave them a cc (which sounds like a really risky move, considering their financial history), and yet they tried to MAKE him promise to bail them out in the future? for helping to pay a cc balance they accrued?

you are not being cold. if you can't tell, i'm kind of appalled. along sephorablue's comment regarding retirement, it sounds like it's only going to get worse.

on a positive note, it's a great thing that your SO realizes what a huge problem this is. good luck, scarlett... :bigfathugs:

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

Well first of all I am a bit apalled at how they talked about this with him. They offered to pay down the CC balance that is already theres , Only if your D promised to help them out in the future?? WTF! They owe him that money and should pay it back regardless.

No you are not being cold at all. They are grown adults and should behave like that.

I have a MIL who is constantly wasting her $$ on stuff and comes running to DH and I to pay her mortgage. It has happened far more times than I care to count. Finally last year DH put his foot down and told her that if she couldnt pay her bills then she needed to sell her house and move into a condo and live on the cash from the sale of her house. He told her we would not being giving her money anymore. GUESS WHAT? She stopped asking for money!

Anyways, I would sit down with your boy and thank him for being so loving and considerate of your future. Obivously it is a crappy situation for him to be in and he will appreciate your support.

cc · Marc Jacobs

You're not being cold at all. I'm with the others - the fact that they only agreed to pay the money that they owe him IF he promises to help him out again in the future really bothered me! I can see them being worried that he would wash his hands of them after this but for them to lay down those kinds of conditions is crazy! He should be the one setting the terms here. I'd be fit to be tied if my parents did that to me.

luckylily · Gucci

cc wrote:

You're not being cold at all. I'm with the others - the fact that they only agreed to pay the money that they owe him IF he promises to help him out again in the future really bothered me! I can see them being worried that he would wash his hands of them after this but for them to lay down those kinds of conditions is crazy! He should be the one setting the terms here. I'd be fit to be tied if my parents did that to me.

ITA. I'm totally appalled that they would make a backwards offer like this. They'll basically pay him back, IF he agrees to help them in the future. WTF!?!?

It is wonderful that your guy is able and willing to help his family, but he should be the one to set the guidelines and expectations.

I'm glad you two are on the same page. You need to think about your own financial stability, especially if you are planning on having children at all.

NCshopper · Hermes

I'm with the others on this too. I don't think you're being cold.

I almost hate to even bring this up, but if you guys are planning on getting married, you might want to look into getting a pre-nup in order to protect yourself from having to pay for their mistakes in case things didn't work out. Especially if they have a credit card in your bf's name and he's lending them money. I know it's not something that anyone wants to think about, but frankly these people sound manipulative and really irresponsible and some sort of legal recourse would be reassuring to have.

Starstuff · Kenneth Cole

NCshopper wrote:

... I almost hate to even bring this up, but if you guys are planning on getting married, you might want to look into getting a pre-nup in order to protect yourself ...

I'm so sorry that this continues to cast a shadow on your relationship... truthfully, I don't think it's fair for D's parents for ask for money from him at all -- but then I've always thought it was a parent's responsiblity to be stable. I can see that maybe helping them out in an emergency, or with medical bills -- something that can't be anticipated or is absolutely necessary.

These same thoughts have occured to me about J's parents, too. Even though they've never asked us for anything, they just bought a house a few years ago and the area they bought in is getting worse and worse. They've made improvements, but with J's parent's jobs and a 30-yr mortgage, I worry about the long-term picture of their finances... so, I feel your angst.

Honestly, I think you'd be doing yourself a service to look into a pre-nup. I know that it can be really dicey territory, but I think D would understand. I don't think he'd be offended, would he? I'm glad you and he are on the same page with regard to his parent's behavior. I'm sorry you have to even think about this...

ETA: I know you and D are saving for your future, but maybe you want to keep your own savings account? I tend to think in "survival" mode, which is completely unromantic, but the piece-of-mind of knowing you have $X of your own, to pay your own bills, etc. might be worth it to you? just a thought...

-- Edited by Starstuff at 11:49, 2007-01-08

blubirde · Chanel

I don't think you're cold at all. His parents are completely irresponsible and it's not his responsiblity to bail them out of trouble, especially if it's a recurring theme.

I don't think there's anything wrong with getting a pre-nup in this situation, if that's something you and D want to do. I don't think pre-nups are foreboding doom or any of those other bad things. I think they're just legal and financial contracts (much like a will) to determine how and when things get split up, if there's ever a need. You might even be able to talk to a lawyer and come up with some way for "loans" or larger amounts of money to only be withdrawn from accounts with joint signatures, so that D doesn't have to take all the blame for not giving his parents money. He could blame it on you for refusing to sign over the money! (Hee!) Just a thought...

But regardless, you're not cold, you're right. And I agree that it's a good thing you and D are on the same page with this.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

***

-- Edited by esquiress at 12:28, 2007-01-12

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

Thank you, thank you, everyone! It really makes me feel better to hear your opinions. I can't tell you what a relief it is to know you'd all feel the same.

I should have clarified something about the credit card: when D was in grad school his parents lent him some money (at that time they had some), and he gave them the CC as a way to pay them back when they in trouble again. I understood why he did it, but I knew (and turned out to be right, unfortunately) that he would get screwed with interest later. Which is happening now. Ugh. So he did owe them that money, but he's getting the shaft with the interest rate. He left them a message today asking if they could sit down and figure this all out. Even though he did owe them this money, I still think trying to get him to promise to help if they pay it down is extremely crappy.

Right now our finances are still separate, and I do have my own savings account (rest easy, Starstuff!) and I am totally okay with being the "bad guy" who says no in the future like Bluebirde suggested. ;) Whenever our finances merge, I will be sure to set it up in a way that we can't withdraw big sums of money without the other's consent!

D is basically fit to be tied. He was so angry and upset after they first told him all this. I really don't know what happened to them and why they've had this history of problems -- I have spent countless hours thinking about it -- it seems a combination of bad luck, bad decisions, and also I think they may try to live a certain lifestyle that they shouldn't. Now his dad has a well paying job and I hope to god they're saving for retirement, but I definitely half expect this to happen again, like Sephorablue pointed out. At least D is not an only child and he gets along with his sisters, so if this keeps being a problem, we have other people to share it with.