STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

kenzie · Chanel

An Kenzie Update-- A mild vent, slightly confused- Any thoughts?

asf · Kate Spade

i don't think you're being crazy - you want and deserve to be happy! it sounds like if you stayed with e you'd be more "content" than "happy." even though d's had some issues in the past, you guys have worked through them/are working through them...and the heart wants what the heart wants! don't feel guilty. but i do think you need to tell e pretty quickly that this is how you're feeling, to be fair to him, and to hopefully preserve your friendship.

keep us posted!

NCshopper · Hermes

Wait, wasn't your mom upset when you and The Boy Who Cried didn't work out? (Sorry that's a terrible nickname, but I'll just never be able to think of him as anything other than The Boy Who Cried.) Anyway....so clearly her judgement on men for you may not be the best. Not that she's not worth listening to, because she clearly has your best interests at heart, but we'll just take her opinion of the boys you date with a grain of salt.

Also, for what it's worth, since you've had your ups and downs with D, she may have heard more of the bad stuff about him than the good. It's something I think everyone is guilty of--it's sometimes easier to complain about what someone's done than it is to talk about how much affection they slather you with and how great they are. Does that make sense? So maybe her perspective is skewed based on what you've told her. Regardless, I'm sure she'll come around.

Anyway, if you just don't feel it for E, then you just don't feel it. It's nothing to feel bad about and there's really nothing you can do to help it. I take it as a very good sign that D is coming around and really making an effort to make things right with you. You deserve someone that treats you well and really makes you happy.

VanGogh86 · Nine West

If your having doubts about either of them I think that you should choose neither.

but what do I know.

Elle · Hermes

VanGogh86 wrote:

If your having doubts about either of them I think that you should choose neither.

IMHO, there is no such thing as a relationship that doesn't have it's doubt-inspiring moments. If you're doubting something, that means you're taking a step back and evaluating your life and your choices and what you really want. Always a good thing.

Kenzie - While it is extremely clear that E is a terrific, thoughtful guy (I swear I'm going somewhere with this ), that doesn't mean he's necessarily your terrific thoughtful guy. He can be a fabulous person and still not be the person for you, and that's okay.

But you've found two people that you click with. Really, you could probably choose either of them and end up happy, or maybe if E had come into your life at a different time you would be feeling about him the way you do about D. But you don't. If you don't, you don't and that's not something that can be forced.

Neither of these guys are perfect - you've seen alot of Ds faults, but E has them too, lurking in the depths. Finding someone's faults when there are no lovey feelings there to make them seem small is no fun, for either party. IMO you'd be doing both you and E a disservice by choosing him if you don't have the feelings for him - you would be trying to go with something that looked right but didn't feel it, and you'd be keeping him from moving on with his life and finding someone that will have the feelings for him that you don't.

Go forward, follow your heart, and be happy. No guilt, because you deserve to do what makes you happy after all the shit you've waded through. E won't die, and sometime very soon he will be happy with someone too. NO! GUILT!

-- Edited by Elle at 13:18, 2006-12-28

Eurodaisy · Dooney & Bourke

I'm going to play devil's adovcate for just a teensy-weensy second here... is it possible, that just maybe you would be more attracted to E if he wasn't 4 hours away? and that you are drawn to D because he's closer, and a relationship with him would be easier for that reason?

Just something to think about...

member · Hermes

I can tell from all of your recent posts that your heart and your gut are w/D. I think maybe part of the reason you're holding onto E is because D has let you down in the past and you're scared he'll hurt you again. E is a sure, steady thing. I by no means mean you are using E, but you're not scared he'll hurt you, and that's probably a good feeling. I think D makes you happy, go w/your gut and take the leap w/him! Keep us posted.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

The thing about D is, he knows E is in the picture. And he's being nice. When he didn't know E was in the picture, he wasn't nice. Sure maybe he's had a change of heart. But I need more than a month of good behavior before I believe he's good enough for you.

Again, this is personal experience. And maybe I'm reading the situation incorrectly because of how it played out with me. But with the guy I just broke up with, he made me happy and I could see that I really made him happy. But he hurt me. Repeatedly. Several times I'd leave him alone long enough for him to miss me, and want me back, and beg. Then he'd be good for just about a month. Then he'd be an unutterable asshole. Knowing that I'd probably put up with it. It's just what he does. And he's going to keep doing it. And it will never work out.

So, sure, D may be an exception and he may have changed and all that. But I think it takes longer than a month. At the same time, if you dump E and go for it with D, then at least you'll know. And there are always more boys out there.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I'm with Dizzy. It's so great that D is coming around and making you as happy as you'd been hoping he would, but I am still skeptical because of what he's put you through. Not that I don't think he's genuine, but IMHO he needs to do more to prove himself trustworthy. As for not having those feelings for E, maybe it's because you have been through a lot of emotional ups and downs lately and are kind of worn out? And maybe the fact that he seems like such a sure thing, after you've been put through the wringer by D and his emotionally unavailable, out of reach antics, that it makes him less attractive to you subconsciously? Just putting this out there as something to think on...after you spent a lot of time hoping D would come around, and the back and forth, you might be used to or even hooked on that intense feeling of longing. E, by being so up front about his feelings and so accessible, can't inspire that same longing. Of course, ultimately you're the only one who truly knows how you feel.

And like Dizzy, I am also skeptical due to an experience with an ex. We broke up twice, and both times he came back saying just what I wanted to hear, and being the romantic and expressive person I'd wanted, but he really came on strong when I moved on to dating someone else. Then he was sending flowers and writing letters saying how much he loved me. After I broke up with the other guy (not because of the ex) I wondered if I should relent and give the ex a chance. And as soon as I did, he wasn't interested in winning me back anymore. It's not the exact same thing as you, but it did make me cautious about this kind of thing.

Either way, good luck with your decision and if you're not ready to make it yet, don't push it!

kenzie · Chanel

shopchicago33 wrote:

I can tell from all of your recent posts that your heart and your gut are w/D. I think maybe part of the reason you're holding onto E is because D has let you down in the past and you're scared he'll hurt you again. E is a sure, steady thing. I by no means mean you are using E, but you're not scared he'll hurt you, and that's probably a good feeling. I think D makes you happy, go w/your gut and take the leap w/him! Keep us posted.

This is exactly how I feel. My heart is with D and I know that. I'm terrified of taking that leap, of trusting him not to mess up again. Granted, things are very, very, very different now than they have been before, but he's not off the hook yet. He's got to prove himself. But I just can't get enough of him. We're both on vacation this week and we've spent most of it together. He just makes me happy.

Eurodaisy, the distance really isn't the issue. If both guys lived next door, I'd still be with D. It's him, not the proximity that makes me want him.

Dizzy/Scarlett, D hasn't hurt me b/c he's an asshole. He hurt me b/c there was a complete and total miscommunication on both our parts, which led to the recent fiasco. I don't think I ever really got into that on ST and I still probably won't b/c it's difficult to explain without really knowing either of us. But anyway, things are definitely different now and I do know him really well and I it's safe to say that he's being genuine. But again, as I said before, I'm still terrified. But if I don't take the leap, I'll never know.

NCShopper, uh yeah, my mom was upset about The Boy Who Cried. And I absolutely agree that her judgement may be skewed about both of these guys and about any guy I date, really. We had another huge fight tonight. I'm so tired of this with her. It's my life and I need to make the decisions that I feel are right for me.

And everyone else, thanks for your advice. I agree that while E may be a terrific guy that he might not be MY terrific guy. I really feel that I just need to listen to what my heart is telling me here. I'm just so tired of my mom getting angry at me about it. It's really not her business and this has actually been my biggest problem through the whole, crazy mess.

Again, thanks for listening.

pinky · BCBG

Marriage can be very difficult(I'm assuming that's your goal at some point) E sounds like a winner. After the honeymoon phase(2-3yrs), IMHO marriage is based on trust, mutual respect, deep love( the choice you make because care deeply about a person) vs. infatuation(a feeling).

The fact that D has given you so much grief over that last year is concerning, but on the other hand, since E lives so far away, it may bedifficult to 'see' the real E. He could be just as difficult if given the opportunity,lol.

You have a tough decision to make.

kenzie · Chanel

pinky wrote:

Marriage can be very difficult(I'm assuming that's your goal at some point) E sounds like a winner. After the honeymoon phase(2-3yrs), IMHO marriage is based on trust, mutual respect, deep love( the choice you make because care deeply about a person) vs. infatuation(a feeling).

I definitely don't qualify my feelings for D as infatuation. I've got enough experience to know the difference between real feelings and infatuation. D and I were friends before anything and that's the most important thing to me. I respect him, I'm beginning to trust him again (he'll have to re-earn that, though) and I do care about him very much and I know that he feels the same toward me.

I agree, difficult choice b/c someone is going to get hurt and that just kills me b/c I do care about both of these guys and I don't want to hurt either of them.

lynnie · Chanel

i'm gonna keep it simple- go w/D. Take the leap- if things don't work out, there are a million other boys. If you only feel platonically towards E at this point (and would feel the same way if D just didn't exist), then that's that.

ILoveChoo · Hermes

VanGogh86 wrote:

If your having doubts about either of them I think that you should choose neither.

but what do I know.

ditto. don't rush, and don't settle.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

Hey, I hope it didn't sound like I was saying D was an a-hole. I didn't mean to imply that.

I'm glad things are going well with him. As I said, ultimately you are the only one who truly knows your feelings. If they tell you to be with D, then go with it. I hope he keeps proving he is worthy of your trust.