STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Cocaine users generally have a 15% success rate of staying clean. So they need ALOT of support and people around them to help them avoid situations that could lead them back to the drugs.

I would ask the wife if it is ok, then tell R that you know about his problem, you are proud that he has gotten help and you dont look down on him at all. Tell him that you would like to be an extended support system to him. I would encourage you and your DH to attend group meetings with him as well.

I have a family member who turned to cocaine a few years ago and we all pretended that we didnt know , but he knew we knew and he ended up feeling ashamed every time he was with us. It was not a good ending to his story.

SO from expierence I say be there for him and his wife and help him in his journey to recovery. It will take all the help he can get.

On a side note - his wife should be HIV tested.

I am so sad for this terrible situation for your friends family and I think we great friends like you guys, you can really help.

Keep us posted!

What a sad situation.

I agree that you should just be the best friend you can possibly be.  Maybe try to plan some activities with them, so that you can help him start living a normal life again.

Also, his wife will need TONS of support too.  Can you talk to her and see what she suggests in terms of supporting both of them?

D wrote:

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There's nothing you can do but be a good friend and not act differently around him. It's up to him to get past this addiction.

I disagree with Alliegurl about suggesting his wife get HIV testing. Unless you know he has been unfaithful, or injecting it (rare) there's no reason to toss that on her plate too.

I believe the success rate is closer to 75%. Someone very close to me overcame a severe addiction in the 1980's, but it required cutting all their coke buddies out of their life by moving.

here's an on-line book I found that may give you some insight and help you better understand the addiction.

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I only say that about HIV testing because my sister ended up being infected becuase of her DH's drug abuse. It was nothing any of us ever even thought could happen , nor wanted to talk about and it ended up taking her life. A good support group for his wife will tell her to make sure she gets tested ( and so does he) on his path to recovery.

Wow - that's a lot to deal with. I agree with the girls who said you should just try to be his friend. Don't act fake or super cheery around him or anything. Just be your normal selves and he'll get that there is a possibility for normalcy in his life. If the topic comes up by him or his wife, don't avoid it, but don't focus on it either. I've never had a close friend/family member with a serious drug problem but I've definitely dealt with situations where bad things were going on and I was never sure if I was supposed to or not supposed to know/talk about it. The best thing you can do for him is be his friend, whatever that means to him and you.

As for the HIV testing, I think AllieGurl makes a good point. Even if it does make your friend more stressed out to have to go through getting tested, it's way better to be safe than sorry.

AllieGurl - I'm so sorry about your sister. It's really brave of you to talk about it so openly. Maybe your story will help Sandy's friend.

What a good friend you are for wanting to help and support your friend.

Let me speak from someone who overcame addiction. If he wanted you to know, he would have told you. Right after and during my initial recovery all I wanted was for people to act normal around me. Don't treat him differently. What I hated most after was everyone looking at me all sad eyed and asking " how are you doing?" every time they saw me. I know they cared it was just too much pressure sometimes to put on a happy face and say " oh fantastic"

Be there for his wife, she needs just as much support as he does right now. The stress addiction puts on relationships is unbelieveable.

Do not buy him books on overcoming addiction and do not ask about withdrawls meetings etc. People did this to me and I wanted to scream when people would ask what withdrawls were like.

Just be you. You are obviously a great friend to be this concerned about him. Also be discreet and don't share his problems with others in your group. I'm sure this goes unsaid but I figured I'd mention it anyhow.

 

I would wait and see if they are going to stick to the sickness story. Im my experience part of recovery for addicts is to admit to their wrong doing, to everyone. It is considered an important part of their recovery to be honest about their addiction. If he is truely working his program and you are close friends he will tell you when he is ready. In the mean time just be there for his wife and give her the support she needs it.

As far as the HIV test, I highly agree. Injecting it is not as uncommon as we think. Also I have found that a coke addict is prone to making bad decisions could very well have cheated when he was high. So even if he wasnt injecting he has proven that he is not totally trustworthy and she needs to take care of herself right now too. I just want to add that I in no way want to cause problems or suggest anything. I just wanted to give my opinion based on my past experiences.