STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

blacktambourine · Nine West

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Tashina · Kate Spade

omg that is horrible. i'm so sorry, and CONGRATULATIONS!!! well, i am not full of words of wisdom and bountiful great knowledge, but i can tell you what i would do. i would send cards with little info on how far along you are and maybe a picture of how big your tummy is getting. when you get ultrasounds make copies and mail them. be persistant. send pictures of where you live and where you work, your friends that kind of stuff. maybe seeing what they are missing out on will help bring them around. and if they send it back just keep sending it. i know it sucks, but if you want your family to be a part of this, wether they are being big jerks or not, you will have to make a huge effort. send pictures and letters to family that are close to your parents so that when they see them they can show them to your parents. or, just bite the bullet and go out there. see them in person. it is harder to tell your own flesh and blood you don't want to be part of their life in person. especially when you can see the child and grandchild that is growing inside them. i hope this is some help and good luck.

Kelly · Hermes

I agree. Even if they're angry or disapprove, how could they ever really stay away from their daughter and their grandchild? Even if they don't respond, they'll probably be very happy to be getting news and reassurance that you're alive and well, and I'm sure they're thinking of you and your baby every day. And when the baby comes, they'll probably be more excited than anyone and won't be able to wait to see him/her.

Bastet · Kate Spade

I'm always shocked to hear that some people put their own morals ahead of their family relationships. Parents should love their children unconditionally, even when they disagree with the choices they make. I really hope your parents come around, it's dreadful that they don't want to be involved in their grandchild's life! They should be happy for you. My guess is that your parents probably want to be involved with you and your baby, but they won't because it goes against their "morals" and they feel like they have to communicate that to you by not being involved in your life. IMO this is their problem, not yours. They have to get over themselves, and I think that by sending them pictures, emails, etc., it will help them do so. They'll come around, it just might take a while.

Jahni · Dooney & Bourke

I agree with everything that's been said....Just keep being the bigger person, I'm sure at some point you'll want to give up and leave them alone, but don't! Keep sending pictures, keep writing letters, keep turning the other cheek and responding with love!! They'll come around, and if for some strange reason they don't, you'll be able to tell your baby that you behaved in a way that both of you can be proud of!!

conet · BCBG

removed message

-- Edited by conet at 16:34, 2007-01-20

Kelly · Hermes

Conet, I understand your concern for blacktambourine, but aren't all those reasons why her parents should be even more involved?

rosie_the_riveter · Gucci

conet wrote:

My advice is to get married, for your sake, your boyfriend's, and the sake of the baby. Then line up daycare and a job. Night school is probably a good idea, too. You are going to need vocational training if you want to support your family.

I bet when your parents see you are married and responsible, they will come around.

Hi Katelynn and welcome to the board. I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. I hope your parents come around soon. My sister was in the same situation as you are, although, she lived in the same town. She moved in with her boyfriend (now husband) who was actually still married at the time. She ended up pregnant and my dad wanted nothing to do with my nephew. He would actually tell people that he didn't have a grandchild. After a while, when my nephew was about 4 months old, he started coming around. My nephew is 11 now and I'm sure that my dad is thankful that he didn't continue to be an ass and miss out on so much of his life. Hopefully, your parents do the same.

I have to disagree with the above poster though. I don't recommend getting married for the sake of getting along with your parents or the fact that you're pregnant. If your parents don't want to come around b/c you are unmarried and pregnant, that's their problem. Please don't let anyone pressure you into marriage or anything else you wouldn't want to do.

-- Edited by rosie_the_riveter at 01:31, 2006-10-30

squishy · Coach

conet wrote:

Hi Katelynn,
Congratulations on your baby. Your story disturbs me, however. I'm reading that you are 19, unmarried, and pregnant. No wonder your parents are upset. Who is paying your prenatal bills? Are you on welfare? Are there other issues ? Did you graduate from High school? Are there differences in age/race/culture that are an issue? Are you working yet? Do you have a suitable living space, and money for all the baby expenses?

You have forfeited a time in your life that should have been for education, travel, fun and new experiences. Babies are wonderful, but wait until you've been up five nights in a row with a colicky baby, and you have to be at work by 7 a.m. You are going to have to put off many dreams to raise a child. You are barely more than a child yourself. Are you prepared for the next 18 years of sacrifice to raise your child? Those are the questions you need to ponder. These are the reasons your parents feel the way they do.

My advice is to get married, for your sake, your boyfriend's, and the sake of the baby. Then line up daycare and a job. Night school is probably a good idea, too. You are going to need vocational training if you want to support your family.

I bet when your parents see you are married and responsible, they will come around.

i'd like to think you mean well, conet, but katelynn already has two disapproving parents. i don't think she really needs another one at this point.

blacktambourine, i think it might be tough during your pregnancy, but once they actually see their grandchild (and realize what stupendous asses they shouldn't become), they'll turn around. it's a relief knowing that you can rely on the bf and his family for moral support. good luck!

ILoveChoo · Hermes

Hi and welcome to the forum!

My mom was actually in a really similar situation when she had me. She was 19, didn't go to college, and was unmarried (although I think we're just assuming those last two about you). Her mother hated it and she really didn't have a relationship with her father at the time (her parents were divorced). I agree with what the others have said about sending pictures and letters, and letting them know that you're ok and doing well for yourself. Maybe even a picture of you with his parents to make yours a little jealous that they aren't involved. I think once they calm down it'll work out.

And I disagree with conet as well- whatever you do don't get married just to make things easier or "right". It might work, but you might end up miserable and making things much worse for evryone in the end. (By all means though, do it if you want to!!). My Mom didn't get married and things worked out fine for us. She met someone when I was a few years old and has a great family now. Things were hard when I was little, but she had family members watch me while she worked at a catering hall. Everyone was happy to help out and in the end it all worked out.

((((hugs))) to you and feel free to pm me any time if you want to chat.

Tashina · Kate Spade

ok, i may be out of line, but i just couldn't keep my mouth shut on this one. conet, who are you to judge or ridicule blacktambourine? i don't know you, but i think it is pretty safe to say that you are not perfect. obviously, from her posts, she has enough people telling her that her choices are wrong and that she should be doing other things with her life, so why would she need a complete stranger making her feel worse about herself and her sittuation. you don't have to like her life or even agree with it, but you don't have to be a complete a**hole about it either. i could tell you like i tell my 3 year old, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. i see you are new here so maybe you missed the whole point of having a place to come to and vent and feel welcomed no matter who you are by women who, for me at least, have come to feel like my gal pals i can tell anything to. there is a little unwritten understanding that none of us are here to make anyone feel badly about themselves, and i realize that you are new here, and now i feel like that may seem like what i am doing here to you, but i feel like if we don't protect the integrity of what we have here, we will lose it alltogether.

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

Conet- Wow, I have to say I am really shocked by what you wrote in response to this girl.

Getting married is NOT the answer that will magically fix all her problems. Sometimes that makes a hard situation alot harder.

Also telling her this is the wrong time in her life to have a baby - TO LATE, she is already having one.

And the welfare question ? That was just so out of line ...

Sorry Girl, but I just dont agree with the way you responded to this.

SensibleChic · Nine West

Blacktambourine, I am a new member too (this is my first post). I want to offer you some words of support.

There a few realities of life that we cannot control. One of these is that we cannot pick who our parents or relatives are. Another is that falling in love oftens leads us to follow a path in life that we never imagined for ourselves. A last one, is that there are no written in stone laws about things like how old we are when we go to college, get married, have children, buy a house.

What life is really about is facing challenges, and how successful we are in life is ultimately measured by HOW we respond to those challenges. IMO there a two kinds of people in this world survivors and victims. Survivors emerge from even the smallest of challenges, stronger, wiser and caring towards their fellow man. Victims go through life acquiring a laundry list of why their life is miserable, a list is usually full of people they blame for it, they usually life by a rules of shoulds and shouldn'ts and they are often incapable of loving and compassion.

People are not "the job they do", "the car they drive", "the amount of education they achieved", "the number of well adjusted children they have", and all those other things that society uses to measure success. Those things are meaningless. 150 years ago cars didn't exist, most people weren't even taught to read or write, women had kids when they were teeenagers, women rarely worked, and people didn't even marry for love.

We are responsible for our own happiness. Happiness often comes from knowing what makes you happy and knowing when to cut your losses in terms of the things that cause you misery and things that are lost causes.

My heart goes out to you regarding your situation. It must be very painful. I think it is CRUEL that people have judged you on here. But, you are about to have a child and that is a gift. Once your child comes into this world, other people, even your parents won't matter, because you entire focus will be on giving to that little human. Maybe your parents will come around some day, maybe they won't. But if they cannot open their hearts to you, their own child who is about to have her own child, than why would you won't them in your life in the first place. As you grow older, you will find new friends and they will become your family. Family doesn't have to mean people you are related to by blood. Family means people who provide you with unconditional love and support, even when you make mistakes.

I hope that helps!

-- Edited by SensibleChic at 16:09, 2006-11-09

-- Edited by SensibleChic at 16:12, 2006-11-09

shopgirl82 · Chanel

SensibleChic wrote:

I think it is CRUEL that people have judged you on here.

-- Edited by SensibleChic at 16:09, 2006-11-09

-- Edited by SensibleChic at 16:12, 2006-11-09

please know that the attitude displayed by ONE poster is not at all the attitude of the forum. i hope you stick around to realize the true nature of the majority of the memebers on this forum. i disagree with what that person wrote, but if you look at the rest of the responses, you might get a better glimpse into what this forum is all about.

SensibleChic · Nine West

Great. My very first post and already I am insulting people.

Nope, don't think I will be sticking around this forum.

Kelly · Hermes

SensibleChic, I don't think shopgirl82 was trying to say you were insulting her, just that she hopes you realize that most people on this forum are so supportive and amazing when you need help, that you can't judge the whole forum by the comments of a few people. On the whole, everyone here supports and consoles each other when we're in a rough spot, and does not judge them. That's why it's so great here!

joy0302 · Kate Spade

blacktambourine-I just wanted to say congratulations on your pregnancy. It is a very exciting time for you and your boyfriend. Try your best not to let other people bring you down, especially when you need to focus your energy on getting ready for the baby. It is so sad that your parents would rather disown you than come and visit you in California, but unfortunately we don't always get the most understanding people as our parents. I agree that it wouldn't hurt to send pictures of the baby just to see if they will change their ways. If they are still going to treat you the way they are now though, the only thing you can do is create an environment for your child in which they never feel the way you do now, which I am sure you will!

I agree that you do not have to get married until the timing is right for you and your boyfriend, if you decide to get married at all. This is not the 1950's. You can have a baby and never get married and you should not have to answer to anyone about it. It is your life! Yes you are 18, but you are not the youngest person to have given birth. You may or may not have your dream job yet, but you can acheive anything you want even though you are having a baby.

You will really love ST and it is full of alot of great girls who always have great advice. I hope you stick around and I wish you the best with your parents. I hope they come around.

Hermes

I want to weigh in here.

First of all, welcome, blacktamborine -- that is if you ever come back. Do know that you're welcome here, and don't let one poster's opinion be reflective of all of all of our opinions.

I don't think it's necessary for me to comment on Conet's response. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and in support of free speech, she is free to have her opinion and voice it whether the majority agrees with it or not.

Welcome to SensibleChic, as well. When I first read your post, I thought, "wow, she really has good input and is going to be a great addition to the forum."

Then I came back and saw that something had transpired and had been edited out or something. I don't know what happened here, and I'm not getting where SensibleChic felt she insulted anyone. From what I can make of the situation is that SensibleChic didn't fully read the responses before she posted a reprimand that appeared to be addressed to more than one person, then felt insulted that someone tried to nicely clarify that one person's post is not representative of all the people on the forum.

Whatever - bottom line is, that we don't typically get in uproars here. It's possible that SensibleChic comes from a forum environment that does, and confrontation is the norm. I don't know.

Anyway, our environment is pretty diplomatic for the most part, and I'd hate for someone to judge the entire site, or make a decision on whether to participate on the forum, based on one person's comment on one thread.

-- Edited by D at 13:23, 2006-11-10

SensibleChic · Nine West

Thank you D. I guess I just have traumatic stress syndrome from other forums I have participated in. I have been on forums where 1) people nit pick over terminology used in posts and get over sensitive about it and 2) there are certain members who if they cannot be the expert than they go after you.

I'll stick around and give it a chance. Thanks for all of the welcomes!