STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

nicoley · Coach

should i worry about getting hurt?

jamund · Nine West

Hard. Guys are hard to figure out. He may just be comfortable because he knows you, etcetera. It's hard to say without knowing him directly, you know what I mean. It's a lot easier to read someone when you are standing right in front of them. You don't want to get hurt, that's a given. I think everyone goes through that and eventually gets to the point that they won't allow themselves to be (most people). For example, I was in so many horrid relationships prior to meeting my great bf who I have been with over 3 years now. I know he's perfect and I know I will be with him forever--you just know.

So, maybe if you think about it that way? Are you looking for a relationship? If not, don't pursue. If you are, can you see yourself with him for eternity --is that what you want? What if he got traded and asked you to come along? Would you drop everything and do that? I would drop everything for my guy. I wouldn't jump off the Golden Gate bridge or anything utterly stupid, but I would support him as best I can. And sometimes that means moving away.

There's a lot to think about here, but really asking him and having an adult conversation is probably a great idea...but guys are funny...you can freak them out easily if they aren't ready for it?--I don't know. You have to figure out what you want--

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

He sounds like he's a really good guy, he respects you, and he isn't full of himself. Pro athletes get so much attention all the time -- he has to be extremely grounded if he's not getting full of himself.

But still, you don't want to throw yourself into anything without thinking it through. Have you gone on real dates together? I understand why you're worried about him being with you because it's easy -- I would be worried about that too -- if it were me, I would ask him what he thought about what's going on. I mean, it's better to ask and find out then to go on indefinitely wondering. The fact that you're concerned and wondering shows it's time to figure things out -- if you didn't have any concerns it would show that things were fine the way they were. Does that make sense?

Mandy · Kate Spade

it does depend a lot on the guy and i know that you don't want to freak him out, but i think you should talk to him. i think the best way to avoid getting hurt is to see if you are on the same page. when people have different expectations and understandings about whats going on thats when people get their feelings hurt. you don't have to go over board and tell him that you are crazy about him, but you could tell him that you feel like there is something between you beyond the friend level him and ask if he feels it too.

Metric · Gucci

If you constantly worry about getting hurt, you might never take a risk that could end up being something great. Sure, you could get hurt-but there is also the possibility that it could be something special, too. Ask yourself what is worse: sitting around wondering "what could have been?" or taking the plunge and jumping in. You might get hurt, maybe, but at least you are doing something, living a life, instead of sitting on the sidelines wondering what could have happened.

Hermes

I would not talk to him about it - that could wreck the friendship if the feeling is not reciprocal. If he wants to be your boyfriend he'll let you know. Take it at face value, and let him be the one to take it to the next level. If he never tries to take it to the next level, then that tells you he only wants to be friends.

Remember that guys' agendas are never hidden - they're usually pretty easy to see as long as you don't second guess them. What you see is what you get and there's nothing you can do to make them want to be with you. If they want to be with you, they'll let you know.

Go on with being single (he is), continue to date other guys, and don't stall your life hoping he will want to be together.

I know that's not what you want to hear, but there's no hidden magic key to this.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

I agree with D...

nicoley · Coach

I knew if I told you girls I would get great advice. You have no idea how much better I feel now. For the past week I have been pushing him away, not being very nice to him, and not really showing an affection. But i think for once in my life im going to just live in the moment and not worry so much about what will happen next, I might just suprise myself :)

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

nicoley013 wrote:

At first we were strictly friends, went to eat together, went out for drinks, and just hung out at each others place. Progressively as weeks went on we have been crossing the friends line more and more, to the point now where we see eachother every day, and if im out of town or he is we are texting eachother or calling. He shows alot of affection toward but we havent gone any further than second base.

ok wait, how did you guys get to second base? and just to make sure, what do you consider that to be? because, if i visited even first base (which to me is just kissing) w/ any of my guy friends, we wouldn't be "just friends" anymore. i don't know what i would call it, it would depend on the situation, but i don't think i could stick the word "just" before "friends" after that. but that's just me.

so keeping that in mind--that different people can have different definitions of what "just friends" means, you might want to make sure you and he are on the same page. because if you're thinking of him as potential boyfriend material and he's thinking you're just a friend who he sometimes goes to second base with...you might get hurt.

also, from what you've described, he sounds like a great guy. but that doesn't mean that he won't hurt you. he may do it unintentionally because he thinks one thing about your relationship with him and you think another.

and of course you shouldn't go around afraid of getting hurt, because everything in life is a risk, but just make sure to be fully informed about exactly what kind of risk you're taking and make sure you're ok w/ it.

good luck and keep us updated!

-- Edited by esquiress at 13:52, 2006-08-15

blubirde · Chanel

nicoley013 wrote:

I knew if I told you girls I would get great advice. You have no idea how much better I feel now. For the past week I have been pushing him away, not being very nice to him, and not really showing an affection. But i think for once in my life im going to just live in the moment and not worry so much about what will happen next, I might just suprise myself :)

I think you're choosing the right way to go about it right now. Try to relax and enjoy yourself and do only what you're comfortable doing.

That said, if it were me, I wouldn't be able to be in a situation like that without talking to him about what was going on. But beware: I've screwed up way more things than I've gotten right. If you do choose to ask him what's going on, be prepared for things to get weird between you if he doesn't feel the same way.

Good luck and definitely keep us updated b/c I remember when this guy moved to town! It's interesting to see he's now a potential romantic interest...

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I had the same first thought as Esquiress - how did second base happen? How regularly does it happen? How much affection is there? When? Is it, sometimes when you're watchign a movie, or something you can sort of count on? And um, why hasn't he tried to take it any further in three months? And why haven't you asked him why he is making out with you?

You don't have to have a CONVERSATION - just push him away the next time he tries something, look at him teasingly and say, 'I don't even know if I'm going to kiss you again. Because I can't even tell if you like me..." Then smile and walk off. That way, he'll take it as a challenge, instead of something he's being dragged into. And if, god forbid, he gets all serious and starts saying he doesn't want a relationship, then at least you know, without having to put your neck out there.

Good luck Nicoley!