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Post Info TOPIC: Mom's career decision **FINAL UPDATE**


Coach

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Mom's career decision **FINAL UPDATE**
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Im not sure where this belongs but here it goes..


My mom has been working and living in another city for about 3 or 4 years now.  She recently applied for a job that would pay more and it would mean she would be moving back home to live with me, my bro, and my dad.  A little background, my bro is still in high school and will be graduating next year.  Since she lives so far away now we all only get to see her once or twice a year and we don't talk much either.  She had finally decided to move back, got the job she wanted, me and my dad already booked our flight to help her move and rent a uhaul, etc.. and when she went to hand in her resignation for the place she works at now, they matched the offer of the new company she was hired for, and told her how great of an employee she is blah blah, and how they will eventually set her up in her own house etc...  And she calls me today to tell me that shes probably not taking the job back in our hometown, and that its hard to leave a company well they tell you how important you are to them.


I am feeling kind of hurt right now, because I feel like this totally shows that she values her career more than seeing me and my bro and being a part of our lives.  She hasn't gotten to see my bro go through high school and really has no clue what is going on either of our lives.  But at the end of the day I realize it has to be her decision, other wise she may not be happy here and just wish she would have stayed at her old job. 


I guess I just don't understand how she is going about making her decision.  Until her boss told her all that stuff, the plans were set and she was coming back, her start date for the new job is in like 2 weeks.  And she was talking about all the big plans she had for the house etc..


Is there anything I should do, or is it best to just let her make this decision on her own?  I know ive said it before, but i dont get how you can not miss being a part of your childrens lives... And is it wrong of me to not really care to talk to her if she does end up staying with her old job, I mean her staying seems like it doesnt matter to her if shes a part of my life or not.


Sorry this is pretty personal, and dont like to talk about things like this, but this is really bothering me!  Maybe someone can shed some light on this situation.



-- Edited by nicoley013 at 20:54, 2006-05-31

-- Edited by nicoley013 at 11:07, 2006-06-12

-- Edited by nicoley013 at 10:37, 2006-06-14

-- Edited by nicoley013 at 22:38, 2006-06-18

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Hermes

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RE: Mom's career decision
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(((((hugs)))) I have no advice, but that's so rough. You know she'll end up regretting staying if that's what she does once its too late...too bad she can't see that now.

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Hermes

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I would send the post you just wrote here to her an e-mail.  She is obviously not considering anyone's feelings but her own. Or maybe she doesn't realize what kind of impact her location is making on the family - she should be made aware.  Has she already told the other company that she is reneging? 

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Gucci

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I'm so sorry, Nicole.  I don't have any advice, but I hope your mom comes to her senses soon.  She's really missing out not being around you more.  You're a great girl!

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Coach

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She has not made her final decision yet, she has not told the new job yet, and told her old job that she has to think about it.  But from when I talked to her it sounded like she already made up her mind.


its nice to know other people understand how I am feeling, I was beginning to think I was being selfish.  In all honesty, i feel like my mom has always put her own feelings before anyone else.  But i just thought finally she has realized the mistake she has made all these years when she decided to take this new job and was talking about how much she misses being a part of our lives and how good it felt to be at home.  Now it all seems like a bunch of bologny.


What is the proper way to react/act if she does end up keeping her old job?  Id like to handle it maturely but can't help to be somewhat bitter about it. 


I am definitely going to try and explain to her how much it would mean for her to come back, but I don't want to push her into doing something and then if she is not happy here, I would feel like its all my fault.


 



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"Deep down you may still be that same great guy I used to know. But it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you" Rachel Dawes, Batman Begins


Hermes

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she needs to be aware of how her decision is impacting others. 


"What is the proper way to react/act if she does end up keeping her old job?  Id like to handle it maturely but can't help to be somewhat bitter about it."


you need to tell her these are thoughts you're wrestling with, nicoley.  she needs to hear it. she can make her decision after that, but don't feel guilty if she moves back home - like you said, it's her decision and her choice. if her company said they'd set her up at home, she needs to tell them she needs it now - she's holding the cards - and if they say they can't do that right now, then she needs a written timeline for when they will.


I am considering moving out of state, but I would see my husband twice a month or so if I did that - and that would all be in anticipation of him relocating to where I'm at. If I had adolescent children, I wouldn't imagine making that kind of move. JMO


anyway - you have nothing to lose by writing a letter/e-mail to your mother sharing your candid feelings/thoughts. she isn't taking your family's feelings into consideration, so don't worry about her's in this situation.



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Coach

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Tell her how you feel about it as diplomatically as you can.  She might not react or respond in a nurturing way like a mother should, she may very well stay in her position, but at least she will know where she stands with you.


By the way, I could not imagine this situation and that she rarely comes home.  Nor could I imagine any career that would be more important than my family and husband.  I suspect some underlying emotional walls here since all the "love" seems to be going to her career.  It must be very tough for you, so you have my sympathies.



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Marc Jacobs

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I can't imagine why your mom would want to be so far away that she only sees you, your brother, and her husband once or twice a year. Having a career is important, but making the committment to a family is also important and I can't understand putting the career so much higher than people you love. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your family, and I agree, you should tell your mom how you feel. You have nothing to lose in being honest with her -- and you deserve to say how you feel.

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Coach

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So I just got off the phone with my mom, and I told her everything I was thinking/feeling.  She said she still hasn't made her decision yet.  And when I told her that it seems like shes valuing her company more than her kids, she said her kids are always her number 1 priority, and i responded that her actions speak louder than words.  And then I said she only sees us like 2 times a year, and get this... she goes, well I said I am going to take a weeks vacation. wtf?  That is going to make her more a part of our lives?  And then she said well what if you meet a guy and go off with him.... this doesn't even make sense?  She would still be a part of my life and I dont even want that to happen anytime soon.


I guess I said everything I could, and now I have to just sit back and wait, but I must admit... speaking to her today was so frustrating because its like she JUST doesnt GET IT.  And if she doesn't understand the responsibilities/commitment of being a mother, i wonder what it will be like if she does move back. 


 



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Hermes

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gosh, I'm sorry, nicoley. some people will always be selfish and inconsiderate toward others - just because she's a mother doesn't make her exempt to these character flaws.  like they say, you can't pick who your parents are... people also don't change unless they agree there's a problem and want to change.  at least you are seeing her for who she really is - it's disappointing that your mother is the way she is, but it sounds as though there's nothing you can do about it.  life is also too short to harbor resentment and bitterness because she is not living up to your expectations.  you will have a healthier life if you forgive her for being who she is - I'm not saying that you need to forget about  it - but take it at face value and accept that those were the cards you were dealt.


I am not so lucky in who I have for family and it's frustrating to me too.  being forgiving of thier shortcomings and looking past them is the only way I can cope with my family - life is to short to hold a grudge and focus on negativity (for me at least) I'd rather focus on positive things in my life.



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Coach

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Thanks everyone for your support!  I should know today or tomorrow what the final verdict is.


Detroit - you are right about not holding a grudge, I think I already knew this but needed to hear it from someone else.  I guess in a way i felt like if im nice and friendly to her she will think that she made the right decision to stay and that it had no impact on me.  But I know in my heart that isn't the RIGHT thing to do, and I know my dad doesn't want to see me act that way.


Thanks again, it really did help to get that off my chest and know that my line of thinking is on the right track... I will update later.



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Chanel

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I don't really have anything to add. Everyone's give you great advice and I think it's great you decided to talk to her about everything. It sucks she didn't act with the maturity and sensitivity you did but what can you do? Some people suck, too.


(((hugs))) I hope she does the right thing.



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Marc Jacobs

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I'm sorry sweetie - fwiw, my mother should be in jail for some of the things she's done to me. So I know it hurts when someone you should be able to trust isn't able to be their best selves. I really think explaining your feelings to your mom is just goign to end up frustrating you. Explaining your feelings and expecting a reasoned response is the way you deal with someone who is more, no offense, aware of themselves and their impact on others. It sounds like your mom is going to come up with excuse after excuse to do what she wants to do, regardless of how it hurts the people in her life. (You could meet a guy? What?) Detroit is right, accepting her for who she is will be easier on you (and obviously, it's much easier said than done).

The best advice I've ever heard on coping with this is 1) Find people who can fill that mother role in your life, even if it's just one aspect (someone to teach you how to cook, another someone to confide in, that sort of thing - and it doesn't have to be someone who's older, or even someone who's a woman). And 2) Learn how to mother yourself. Everytime you feel that lack, that nudge of "my MOM would do this for me..." do it for yourself, even if it's just buying an extra-big icecream cone... {{{{{{{{{{Big hugs sweetie}}}}}}}}}



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Coach

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RE: Mom's career decision ***UPDATE***
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My mom just called, and said that today was her last day at work today.  She is packing up her desk, She has the movers alls scheduled, and everything in place to move back home!!!  I guess she had already made her decision about a week ago, but with my mom, she changes her mind like every other day, so I didn't think she was REALLY going to do it.  But me and my dad are flyiing to phily on wednesday and helping her move and everything (and taking  a side trip to AC :)  


Anyways, just wanted to thank everyone for helping me get through the ups and downs of finding out if she was moving back.  Im glad she made the right decision.



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"Deep down you may still be that same great guy I used to know. But it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you" Rachel Dawes, Batman Begins


Hermes

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nicoley013 wrote:


My mom just called, and said that today was her last day at work today.  She is packing up her desk, She has the movers alls scheduled, and everything in place to move back home!!!  I guess she had already made her decision about a week ago, but with my mom, she changes her mind like every other day, so I didn't think she was REALLY going to do it.  But me and my dad are flyiing to phily on wednesday and helping her move and everything (and taking  a side trip to AC :)   Anyways, just wanted to thank everyone for helping me get through the ups and downs of finding out if she was moving back.  Im glad she made the right decision.

that's great, Nicoley!!! I'm so happy for you and your family.  I hope she finds this to be a rewarding decision.

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Gucci

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That's great news!

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Chanel

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Awesome! I hope everyone is happier because of the move.

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Marc Jacobs

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woohoo!!!!

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Marc Jacobs

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That's great! I'm so happy for you and your family!

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Kel


Coach

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That is great, I am glad everything worked out.

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