STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

James · Nine West

Woman's perspective

NCshopper · Hermes

Huh. Interesting. I've never really heard of behavior quite like that.

The first thing that comes to my mind is to let her have what she wants--freedom. If she feels like she didn't get the chance to date other people, then give her that chance. If she comes back, then you know she's with you because she wants to be with you, not because she feels like she has to be. Otherwise I'm afraid you're always going to be left wondering. It is a risky move though, and you do run the risk of her not coming back to you.

However, the overriding issue for me is the fact that this all happened 3 YEARS AGO and she won't let it go. She needs to learn how to fight fairly and how to let go of this. I think counseling either by herself or as couples counseling might not be a bad idea.

Anyway, I hope this helps. It's probably not what you want to hear, so I'm sorry.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

James wrote:

In a nutshell, we've been together for over three years now and have had a wonderful relationship when these issues arent discussed. But when they do come up, it makes me want to take a realistic view on the core of our relationship. I dont know what to do. I want to spend my life with this woman but Im scared because sometimes I feel she is only in this because I terminated her chance at the other options. Obviously there is so much more to this that I could write on until Im blue in the face. We treat each other very well, have never cheated on each other, have discussed marriage from time to time, but all in all when these issues surface she gets extremely upset and I get extremely sensitive and angry over it as well...Please advise - to the extent you can.Thank you

You treat eachother well and get along great until you try to talk about things that upset her? Does this really sound like a long-term plan for the rest of your lives? You're going to be great together as long as she's not upset? It sounds like a sort of backhanded condemnation of her for being upset over things that, quite frankly, are her perogative to care about and be upset over if she wants.

And I guess I'm wondering why you think you terminated her chance for other options? What did you do, sit on her until she agreed not to leave you?

And why was that such a bad thing for her to do, anyway? Would it have killed you to take a break if that's what she wanted?

All the way through this, I sense a real disregard for her opinions and her desire to control herself. It almost sounds like you see it as threatening to you. And to be perfectly honest, that scares me a little. It almost feels like you're asking us to agree with you so you can hold that over her head too. And I'll feel awful if I'm misjudging you. I'm just telling you what you said you wanted, how things look from a woman's perspective. This woman, anyway.

Good luck.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

James wrote:

She now feels that she is somewhat trapped because as it stands, she is now 26, her window to explore and have a good time may have come and gone, and she is confused as to what to do next. She is also very concerned (and angry) over the fact that when we began dating, I was so excited that I told many mutual acquantances who may tend to talk...she claims that this has caused her to also be trapped in the sense that because she is a girl and if we do not remain together- - she would be 'tainted' as far as the next guy goes because many people would know that something went wrong (inter-community bs some of you may relate to)

Just so you don't think I'm automatically taking the girl's side - this sounds like an INCREDIBLY immature attitude to have, and indicates someone who cannot hold up her end of a relationship at all. Seriously, having a failed relationship means she's tainted? Or is it having a relationship with you that taints her? And what does that say about her opinion of you? And other people's opnions on her love life matter THIS much to her? Wow. Oh, and 26 means her window to explore is over? What exactly happened to that window again? Yeah, bless her heart, but she doesn't sound too self-aware or self-confident, but I hate to judge her on a report of what someone else said she said, since that might not be fair.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

NCshopper wrote:

However, the overriding issue for me is the fact that this all happened 3 YEARS AGO and she won't let it go. She needs to learn how to fight fairly and how to let go of this. I think counseling either by herself or as couples counseling might not be a bad idea.
Anyway, I hope this helps. It's probably not what you want to hear, so I'm sorry.

Ditto - perfectly said - I would just add that generally people partner up at similar communication levels, so if one partner needs it, the other could probably use it too...

cat · Marc Jacobs

NCshopper wrote:

However, the overriding issue for me is the fact that this all happened 3 YEARS AGO and she won't let it go. She needs to learn how to fight fairly and how to let go of this. I think counseling either by herself or as couples counseling might not be a bad idea.

I agree with NCshopper;it sounds like counseling would be a good option for you(as a couple or alone).It sounds like she has bigger underlying issue at play here.

I konw just how you feel ,I was in a realtionship recently where I had broken up with him once .when we got back with each other , he just would not let the fact I had dummped him go.Even though I broke up with him over the fact that he was way to stubborn and controlling and I felt like I had no other way out of the situation.He kept saying that he was still mad at me and could no longer trust me ect.

As far as I see it if she had really wanted out that badly three years ago she would have left you then.

Sorry I'm not much of help. I really feel for you and wish you the best.

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

Why would it have been a "bad idea" for you two to break up? In my opinion, if one or both parties in the relationship want to break up, it's never a bad idea. The only bad idea would be to stay together if one of the parties is wanting his/her freedom. Resentment, a feeling of claustrophobia...that is what results from staying in a relationship you're no longer content in. That being said, I don't entirely see how it's possible to make someone not break up with you if that's what they want. What exactly kept your girlfriend around? If she is having recurring doubts about the relationship, she should just walk away. It's scary, and hard to lose that much time invested, but she's only 26!!!! I don't know why women seem to think there's a short window of opportunity for dating and meeting someone. I personally don't think you should start worrying until you're in your 30's (and not even then!). If she wants to get out there and sow some wild oats, she's plenty young, and I think you should let her go. If neither of you truly wants to break it off, then I suggest couples' counseling. You both need to move past this issue, and I think only an objective counselor will be able to help you work through it.

zeitgeist4 · Gucci

This woman's point of view:

It sounds like your GF is doubtful if you're "the one" for her. Maybe she feels like there could be something better out there for her. My guess is that's why she wanted to break up in the beginning of the relationship. However, she's probably scared that if she were to explore her options, she may find that you ARE her best option.

Maybe your relationship doesn't live up to the fantasy "ideal relationship" she pictures in her head. Will she just have to face the fact that life won't be perfect? Is she blaming you for not allowing her to break up because she's scared it's her own personal issue (re: not having the "idea" relationship)? It's easier to place blame on someone else rather than oneself.

There would probably be some resentment about whatever relationships took place the "break" time, and one of you would always be holding something over the other's head. There would always be that mystery about when went on during the break, causing further problems in the relationship. So even if you guys did break up and get back together in the beginning there would be a different set of problems.

Anyway, I'm kind of rambling because it's hard to put thoughts into words.

Counseling does sound like the best bet for you two though. And I would suggest not taking the relationship any further until these things are ironed out.

Good luck, and I hope we're helping.

James · Nine West

thank you everyone. I really appreciate it.

blubirde · Chanel

Here's what I think:

Some people think the grass is always greener. If you're in a relationship, it's more fun to be single. If you're single, all you want is a relationship. She can't hold the thing that happened years ago over your head forever. If she wants out, let her know that you will let her out but that you aren't going to apologize for it the rest of your life. Or maybe take the choice out of her hands. Tell her she needs time to see what else is out there, to determine if you are what she really wants.

While she's exploring her feelings, you do the same. Date other girls. Do some introspective thinking. Are you holding her back? What are other girls like? Do you need something different in a long term relationship?

Frankly, and I hope this doesn't sound harsh, it sounds like this relationship is on the outs. When you're in a relationship that you've spent years cultivating, it's hard to walk away, especially when you're at an age when you think it might be time to start settling down, not being newly single.

Listen to what she's telling you. She's mad because the two of you are together. However else she wants to put it, that's what it comes down to. Both of you need to make a decision, one way or the other, about where the relationship is going, if it's going anywhere, and let the past be the past.

Good luck!