STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Not a mom yet, but I'm with you that it's pretty much been the only thing that I've ever been sure I wanted to do.  Here are my thoughts:

I don't think you're ever really ready.  It's a huge leap of faith, and I think being ready means being ready to accept whatever might be on the other side.  You can do tons of research, babysit, talk to people about their experiences, but the only way to really know what it's like is to do it.  It of course doesn't hurt to get 'ready' with other stuff though - considering your financial situation, savings/investments for the kid's education, living situation, if you'll work or not and if so maternity leave and who will care for the babe while you're both working, etc.

'I want to do it someday' is alot different from 'Let's do it next month'!  The transition from 'future abstract possibility' to 'feasible in your immediate future' is a huge reality check.  But it will always be scary.  I have lots of mom friends and have read lots of birth stories and pretty much everyone has had more than one moment where "I'm going to have an actual baby" hits them like a freight train, quite often one's happened when they've gone into labor, which seems like it'd be bleeding obvious by then but it's like trying to 'know' what a million dollars looks like - your brain just can't wrap itself around until it's there in front of your face.

Just this weekend FH and I were discussing a possible job opportunity that might be offered to him back in Portland.  It's where we want to end up eventually, and the job is his ideal job at the ideal hospital.  We were throwing the scenario around, and he informed me that he would be willing to have a child earlier than previously discussed if we moved and settled sooner (ie 1-2 years instead of 5-7).  My face looked exactly like this:

then

and I said "It scares me when you say stuff like that."

But after the initial shock wore off, I felt ... calm?  And a little tingle of excitement at the thought of the whole thing actually becoming a reality.

As for the irresponsiblity stuff, I think that people rise to whatever challenge is presented to them.  Why would you be overly responsible right now if there's no reason for it?  That would be silly, not to mention unecessary!  You do what needs to be done.  And with a baby, what you get back will be a thousand times what you give.

Give the reality of the idea time to sit for awhile.  Mull it over.  Get comfortable.  Talk about it (names are a good place to start).  IMO it starts to not feel so strange after awhile ...

I don't have any advice for you, either, but I wanted to say that I feel the same way. (But we aren't considering kids for another 4 years or so.) But I always figured I'd have kids, though I don't necessarily like them. I like the idea of being a mother in the abstract, but the reality scares me.

I have always been told the same thing KE said, but I am afraid! What if it's not like that for me?!? Anyway, good luck. I am sure that when you do decide to have a child, you will be ready.

I think Elle was right on when she says no one is really ready to have a child there will always be fears and hangups. I got unexpectedly pregnant with my daughter and was in no way "ready" in the way I had planned to be. I always wanted to be financially secure, finished with school, have a good career, and married. Plus, I wanted to get all that crazy, fun stuff you do when you're younger out of the way like travelling and sky diving. Plus, I really wanted to enjoy just being married or being with my SO for a while with just the two of us. I never really got to do any of these things and a little part of me regrets it. (Not to be confused with the fact that I regret my daughter of course.)

I think if you make a list of things you want to accomplish that might be hindered by having a child, you'll better see if you're prepared emotionally or not.    

As for being afraid of being a bad mother because you're forgetful or selfish, I was so much like you and still am in a lot of ways. But a baby really demands a lot of you and you wind up taking better care of him/her than you do yourself. Sometimes I leave the house and forget to brush my teeth but my daughter has matching ribbons in her hair.

I think it's really great that you're putting a lot of thought into it beforehand.   

Liz wrote:

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I was kinda the opposite of KE. When I was preggo, I pretty much hated it. I felt fat, nauseous and uncomfortable all the time. My good friend was a few months ahead of me and I felt so bad next to her because she loved being pregnant and was all "earth mother" about it. I already felt like a bad mom. Then when I had my baby, I thought she was amazing, but I didn't feel that overwhelming love that everyone talks about. I just felt scared. I was scared that I would hurt her or that I wouldn't know what to do. I always loved my daughter, but to be honest, I didn't fall in love with her until a month or two afterward.

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IMO this is more common than anyone realizes!  I think we all have images of what we think being pregnant should be like and what we think being a new mom should be like, and then we feel inadequate when it's not exactly like that.  Most women don't walk around radiant and glowing and happy when they're pregnant.  They're barfy and exhausted, and then they're huge and achy and exhausted because they're too uncomfortable to sleep!  How the image that it's a walk in the park became the 'standard' is just beyond me.  It's tough shit, and those who have a super-easy time of it are in the minority IMO.

And I also think that the reality of being responsible for a brand new baby often overshadows the infatuation with them.  Of course you love them because they're your child, the uncomfortableness of such a huge change is what many people really feel first.  Once you adjust to the change and being terrified, you're free to fall in love and enjoy.

I hope JMR doesn't mind my recounting her thoughts (and if you do JMR I'll remove them immediately), but IIRC she said that for a week or so after she was home with her baby, it was so hard she felt like she just wanted her old life back.  I think so many people feel this way, but it's rarely said because it makes them feel (unnecessarily) guilty.  Even if it is one of the most rewarding things you can do, it is also most definitely one of the hardest.

i freaked out about the same things when i found out i was pregnant with my daughter.  my fiance and i were dating for a year and i found out i was pregnant and i struggled with all kinds of things like that in making my decision to keep my daughter or not.  but i am so glad i did.  i am so forgetful and it does get worse when you are pregnant but after you have you child, it is amazing the tiny little things you remember for them when you cant even remember half your own things.  and as far as being selfish, that will melt away as soon as you see that tiny little face.  it is natural to be scared when making that decision.  if i hadn't gotten pregnant on accident, i'm not sure i would have ever had kids and now i want a whole heard of them.  so if you have allways known that you wanted kids, then i say go for it.  and i know that your marriage is new and you want some time to be just the two of you married and all, but if you start trying now or in a couple of months, you have at least 9 months to a year to be alone together.  i don't mean to be pushy about this but, having my daughter is the most rewarding thing i have ever done in my life, and after my wedding, my fiance and i are going to start trying agian right away. 

NCshopper wrote:

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Collette--do you know that when you go driving in the car with a baby, that you shouldn't be holding the baby while you drive?  Cuz if you already knew that, you should be all set. 

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