STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

We didn't like Reese's dress. Melanie Griffith didn't look, or even really appear, off her rocker. Mary-Louise Parker the Monotonous Mumbler is suddenly a decorated actor. Yes, readers, it's true: These are scary, ever-changing times.

That's why it's so comforting when we see somebody who looks exactly as you want them to -- somebody for whom you have expectations, and who has risen to meet them. That somebody, at the Golden Globes, was Chloe Sevigny.

It's well-documented that we here at GFY HQ find it perplexing that so many people and publications laud Sevigny as blessed with unerring and fascinating taste. We think she's brutal. Exhibit ZZ, or thereabouts, is this dress. Aside from appearing as though she simply twirled around slowly while somebody wrapped her in purple cellophane, this outfit also harkens memories of a 13-year old girl attending her very first middle-school formal, hoping to sway side-to-side with her arms draped over the shoulders of her big crush while "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" played pseudo-romantically on the loudspeakers.

And that's exactly what we anticipated Sevigny would look like when her image popped up on our computer screens this morning. Hideous dress? Check. Hair pulled back into a severe bun? Check. Smug, chinny expression on her face? Check, check. All is right in the world.

We here at GFY believe in health.

Okay, fine, maybe not the peanut-butter-forsaking kind of health, or the Diet Coke-kicking kind of health, or even the vegetable-eating kind of health. Primarily, it is the non-skeletal brand of health we choose to support, and so as usual, we've spotted some people who deserve to be monitored as they waste away into Richiedom.

First up: Mrs. Johnny Depp, a.k.a. French singer/actress Vanessa Paradis.

I can sort of understand wanting to disappear when your hot husband resolutely refuses to appear in public looking sane. This is an improvement for him, generally speaking, but that doesn't mean he looks any less like a lounge lizard who's getting all warmed up for "Lady of Spain" with the accordion accompaniment before he brings down the house, and hopefully the pants of that slinky dollface down the bar, with a moving and monologue-riddled rendition of "My Way."

However, Vanessa is a lovely lady and seems to make Johnny Depp very happy. And she has children who need her, which is why it's especially alarming to see her up there looking so... well, narrow. Now, I know they have food in France. The country is brimming with rich sauces, meats, cheeses, and crusty loaves of bread, not to mention vats and vats of wine. I know that's supposed to be some sort of heart-seizing fad diet -- "Eat all fat all the time, and look like the French women who are all skinny!" -- but something tells me she has not recently known the pleasure of shoveling baked Brie into her face. Do it for the children, V. Do it so that we can bump you off of High Alert.

Next up is a lady who has actually come to be the definition of High Alert on our terror chart*: Ellen Pompeo.

She's even less wide than Vanessa Paradis. She's wearing a hideous nightie that covers her arms, but not her telltale collarbone and neck cords. [The wind is also doing her curls a favor here -- when the air was still, her hair looked awkwardly permed and stringy on the ends, and not in that "I've just been windblown" kind of way -- rather, in a "Please, for the love of God, eat some nutrients" kind of way.] The whole ensemble manages to be unflattering and bland, while cementing her appearance on this page along with sentence likes, "Meatballs are your friend!" and "Embrace lard!"

One final note: She is even sort of starting to look like Renee Zellweger, she of the dieting-and-running addiction and the squinty non-eyes who too often purses her lips when she smiles, probably because she is thinking so hard about whether the indulgent bran flake she allowed herself the other day has altered the fit of her gown. Renee doesn't own a category on the Terror Watch chart yet because, well, we're sort of over her, to be honest, and she at least has muscle mass, and gets gossip-interest points for marrying a gay alien. Ellen Pompeo just looks like she's trying to be as long and drawn as she possibly can -- a slip of a woman in a slip of a dress.

* Appendix: EMACIATION WATCH TERROR LEVEL CHART

SEVERE:

Nicole Richie

[Draw a stick figure. Then try and draw it again, half as wide. Instant Nicole.]

HIGH:

Ellen Pompeo

[McDreamy is the closest thing to McDonald's that's touched her lips]

ELEVATED:

Ashlee Simpson

[By our math, "Exhaustion" + preemptive stories about how she's not anorexic any more + hozpitalization + beginnings of a slimdown = headed for doctor-supervised loss of 20 lbs., of which we do not approve.]

GUARDED:

Lindsay Lohan

[Has backslid off her initial dramatic loss but we don't trust her yet]

LOW:

Tyra Banks

[Not sure if you've heard, but apparently, she likes her ribs. Go get 'em, Miss Tyra.]

Posted by Heather at 12:09 PM in Celebrity Terror Watch, Golden Globes | Permalink