STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

secret user · Nine West

i'm blind in this situation

blink · Coach

I have my list of complaints about my MIL too, but your problems with your boyfriend are his responsibility not hers. I would suggest that you put her out of your mind when you are trying to analyze what's going wrong with your relationship and remember that you aren't going to be winning points with him if you are being cold to his mother. They are obviously close, which is not a bad thing, and there is nothing you can do to change that. If you want to be with this man, you have got to be a friend to this woman and see things from her point of view as well. If you can't do that, then my suggestion is to consider letting this one go.

secret user · Nine West

I've tried everything in the book to try to be friends with her. Nothing works.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

sweetie, i don't think you're blind, i just think you don't want to be seeing what you're seeing. maybe he's had a horrible childhood and has a weirdo of a mom but at the end of the day, ask yourself this: are your needs being met? if not, we could think up a hundred excuses for him and he could probably think up a hundred more but what does it matter when it still leaves you hurting? you so deserve more than this. be strong and pm me anytime. xoxoxo

NCshopper · Hermes

That is really sh*tty behavior on both of their parts. His mom should have let go of her grudge against you a looooooooooooooooong time ago. But you know that. The thing is though, I doubt that anyone will ever be good enough for her son in her eyes. It sounds like he's her little prince, and in that situation, no matter what you do you're not going to measure up or be what he deserves (in her mindset). And it has nothing to do with who you are or what you say or what you do. Nothing.

Unfortunately, it sounds like he hasn't really grown up or figured out that his mom is going to sabotage all of his relationships and it sounds like he's buying into whatever his mom is saying about you, as unfair as that is.

What is your gut telling you? Is it telling you is worth fighting for? Or that you should let it go? Also (and this is none of my business, just food for thought and you don't have to answer), if is financial situation is so bad that he can't get married, why is he buying a house? I think that's what's putting the red flags up for me. Usually if your finances are really bad, it's pretty difficult to buy a home. To me it sounds like the financial issue is an excuse for him not to get married, when the real issue might be his mom. I may TOTALLY be off base there since I don't know the whole story, but it sounds odd to me.

I'm also worried that he wants to go back to living alone. That doesn't seem right to me. But there are 2 possibilities. 1) He's going to propose soon and wants to throw you off or 2) he's giving you signals that he doesn't want to continue the relationship. Obviously both are as polar opposite as possible. Again, see what your gut's telling you on that one.

Either way, I'm sorry he's putting you through all this. Only you know whether or not he's truly worth keeping around and putting up with. I hope it gets better soon.

secret user · Nine West

As far as finances, he makes $. Alot more than I do. But he says that all of his money is going into the house, and doesn't have much $ to spend on a ring.

That was a bit of a red flag for me, too. I know people who get engaged all the time and they don't have a dime to their name.

He does what he wants to do. If he wanted to propose, he would have. But why does he continuously say, "I want to marry you so badly" when it's a freaking lie?

shopgirl82 · Chanel

i don't think you can jump to the conclusion that his mom is to blame for all of this. yes, the past says that she doesn't get along with you, but nowhere in this house buying situation, that you have mentioned, does she have a part to play. yes, maybe she has said some things, but ultimately it was your bf who made the decision that he can't do it. so really, while it's easy to blame his mom, you can't keep on doing it for every action he takes. as you mentioned, he's a big boy... (some light humor, that drunk scene with his mom reminds me of in SATC when trey was taking a bath and his mom was sitting right there....ewwwwwwww)

anyway, i think he made a dick move to be honest. taking the house that you wanted, and then leaving you high and dry. not to mention that he didn't really give you an explanation (maybe he did, but you didn't mention it, so i'm assuming he didn't give you a good one). he is pulling away from you (as NCshopper mentioned it could be two polar opposite reasons...you don't know). i think you need to pull away to. while it may be hard, remember, he did screw you over with the house issue. yes, he has things going on in his life, but we all do, but what he did is inexcusable in my book.

i don't think that this means that you two should break up right now, or even ever, but he obviously has some things to work out before you can move forward (as well as giving you a HUGGGGGE apology). i'm sure you've been there in the past, but enough is enough, he really screwed you over. in my opinion, i would call his bluff and live on your own and tell him that if he can't do it, you can't either (you deserve better). i would just pull away from him the same way he did to you and slowly work on your issues, or more importantly his issues and how they effect you.

what a tough situation. i feel like i'm in a similar situation as far as my relationship and if my bf did that to me i couldn't imagine how i would react, i just know that what happened isn't something to be taken lightly AT ALL.

feel free to vent whenever you need to. we're here for you.

secret user · Nine West

he 100% screwed me. But I do know that his mom has played a part; she was flipping out at him when he told her that he was planning on spending the holidays with me and my family. I heard her saying that she didn't like me and thinks we fight all the time. which isn't true. of course we have our spats, but they do not happen often and usually end in a compromise.

However, I did ask him what his explanation was, and he didn't have one.

I think right now my best bet is to just not talk to him. for a long time.

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

despite all other things.. He did screw you over.. big time!

He sounds completely immature and inconsiderate.. and because his mommy babies him, he may never really grow up.

I have serious in-law issues but at least DH is completely against them too. If the two of you dont agree that his mother's behavior is unacceptable.. You will probably never make him see your side.

I apologize if this sounds harsh but I think you should end it. When you look through all this drama that you're facing.. the only truth that really matters is that you deserve better than this.. and he is not giving it to you.

Hang in there babe!

Luv2Shop · Kate Spade

Maybe my story will help you. I was in a relationship with a guy that was about 4 years older then me. We met in college. He lived in this piece of crap house in Indiana with a buddy, and I stayed there, a lot. He also came to stay with me at my parents place where I lived in Illinois. We both commuted to chicago for school. Eventually we rented an apartment in the same town as my parents in Illinois and I thought all was good. I thought he would get used to living a bit nicer then he was and we would be happy! Well, I was wrong. He was a lazy ass slob who wanted to continue to live the lives his divorced white trash parents had gotten him accustomed to. He NEVER helped me do ANYTHING around our apartment, he always said I was a nag if I asked him to do anything. When he was out of work, which was a lot, I busted my ASS and he sat on his and used the tiny ammounts of $ we had to buy cigarettes. Thank God my mom bought us groceries a lot, or I don't know what I would have done. My mom was my best friend and helped me so much, but since his family was so disfunctional, he thought my relationship with my mom was wierd and got mad when I wanted to spend time with her.

But I was in love so I put up with all of it thinking he just needed to grow up a bit more. We moved into an apartment in the city to be closer to school and things got worse. He was out of work even more, continued to do nothing to help me out around the place (I actually would drag our laundry to the basement from the 8th floor and do it all myself while he sat on the couch and watched me) He always parked in no parking areas because he was too lazy to walk and I always ended up paying the tickets.

I guess the moral of my story and what I hope will help you is that I loved him, I could have easily stayed with him and gotten married and just settled. But one day I just got so fed up with the life he was forcing me to live. I was so tired and unhappy and sick of trying so hard with no results. I realized at that time that you can love a person, but if you are already unhappy with the life you are living with him, it's probably never going to get better. Part of making a marriage (or even a live in relationship) work is co-exsisting together, being on the same path, understanding and accepting the others family, wanting the same things for the future. We had love, but none of those things and I new then and there that if I stayed I would be miserable, so I left. I started all over in my parents house and it was scary and exilirating at the same time. 5 months later I met my husband and we have all the things and more that relationship lacked, and I am happier then I EVER thought I could be. I am so glad I realized I wanted more and deserved what I wanted to make me happy, not just dealing with whatever little that other someone would give.

Good luck and if you ever need a shoulder to lean on or support, cause it is hard to start over, please PM me!!!

blubirde · Chanel

I can't really speak on his relationship with his mother. It sounds weird but what it comes down to is his relationship with you. He shouldn't tolerate ANYONE (mother or not) saying negative things about you or your relationship. It's like blaming the other woman when a man cheats. It's the guy's responsibility to be in a mature relationship, not his mothers.

As for the house, it was an assy move. Definitely. He's a jerk for buying a house you wanted to buy (and would have bought without him) and essentially kicking you out of it. Now the question is why? Why did he do it? Did he let someone else talk him into it? What was the reasoning? Does he think y'all need some time apart? Is he willing to commit to the relationship or not?

If it were me, I'd sit down with him when we're both calm and collected and lay out all the problems I was having, starting with the house and why it bothered me, etc. I'd leave his mother out of it. If he's influenced by her, then I'd phrase my problem like "I feel I'm a third voice in our relationship and that my opinion doesn't count as much as yours and your friends and family/influences." Or something like that. He'll have to defend his mother so there's no need in putting him immediately on the defensive because it won't lead to a productive conversation.

After the conversation, I'd evaluate what he said. If he didn't say the things I needed him to say and further, do the things I needed him to do, I'd have to let him go. It would be hard but it's the only answer. Esquiress is right. In the end, if you're hurting, nothing else really matters. Leaving is hard. Living an unhappy is life is harder.

Keep us updated, secret user. (ha! I have to laugh once I typed that name out.)

Bastet · Kate Spade

I think there are a lot of red flags here. I hope I don't offend you when I say that you may need to re evaluate your relationship with BF and decide if it's what's best for you. He might be a great guy, but the problems you talk about have the potential to ruin a marriage. Meddling mother in laws are one thing, but if she still has such control over him, it could destroy your relationship. A marriage is made up of two people, not three.

First, a 35 year old man should not be so easily manipulated by his mother. It sounds like his mom doesn't see him as an independent man, or she babies him in a desparate attempt to still feel needed and useful. Is BF an only child? His mother has issues if the reason she doesn't like you is because once, a few years ago, you implied that BF could take care of himself. I suspect that she's lonely and needs to feel needed, and can't sucsessfully transition her relationship with her son from mother/child to mother/adult. Especially if he's an only child.

Second, I'm sorry to hear that BF only tells his mother the bad things about you. I've been through a similar problem, and it's hard to fix. My mom and I have issues, and I used to complain about her to hubby (back when he was my bf) *all the time.* When mom and I had a good phone conversation or a good visit, I didn't tell him about it. I only bitched about her. As a result, he didn't like her very much at all, because he never heard about all the things I love about my mom. And he probably still doesn't like her as much as he might have had I told him the positives and less of the negatives. I realized this on my own and have been trying to fix it for a while now. I don't know how well it's working though, because negatives make a hell of a longer impression than positives. If you want BF want to get married, he needs to learn that he has an effect on how his mother perceives you. If he wants this to change, he has to help, or most likely her perception won't. He's just reinforcing her (incorrect) poor opinion of you.

And last, I really think that him telling you he wants to live in the new house alone was quite possibly the shittiest move I've heard of in a long time. He's completely disregarding your needs, both financial and emotional by telling you like this. He *waited* so long to tell you that you'd already packed and turned off your utilities. He knew you wanted to buy that house. Completely inconsiderate. Most likely he didn't make the decision that he wanted to live alone on the same day he told you. Blubirde is completely right that you need to talk to him, the sooner the better, and find out what made him change his mind. If he's this easily manipulated and insensitive now, it might only get worse if you marry him.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I have been in your shoes in two major areas with an ex who was 1) reluctant to get married for financial reasons (that he also seemed reluctant to fix) and 2) had a mother who was WAY too involved, and sometimes talked him into hurting me (well, he tried to put it on her, anyway). I am divorced now, unfortunately. Trust me, marriage does NOT improve such issues.

The truth, hard as it is to hear, is that his mom only influences him if he lets her. And if he wanted to marry you, he would. I learned this the hard way. DO NOT try to fix the obstacles he's complaining about. DO NOT blame his mom, or even waste your time thinking about her. It doesn't matter what she says. All that matters is what HE THINKS about what she says. The issue is between the two of you, not the three of you. And if he'll let her talk him into hurting you once, he'll do it over and over...

Also, pulling the rug out from under you with the house, and inconveniencing you like that, is not something you would do to him. Why is the standard lower for him?

I agree with the other girls, talk to him, listen to your gut. But ultimately I believe you deserve more. I'm so sorry...

atlgirl · Gucci

I'm sorry, but that move with the house would have done it for me. I wouldn't even be interested in being with him anymore. I know breakups are hard, but if this is an example of how he treats you, then I'd think you can expect more of that even after marriage. And if he makes good money - or even if he doesn't - that's crap about the ring. People get married all the time on small budgets, and contrary to popular belief, it is *not* necessary to have a huge diamond on your finger first (or ever). I'm supremely unimpressed at his behavior in general. Some of the happiest married women I know wear a $200 engagement ring or just a simple wedding band. So he has no reason, if he really wants to get married, to give you that excuse.

I agree with esquiress and blubirde. If you are unhappy all the time (or even *most* of the time) in this relationship, it's time to re-evaluate your priorities and needs. And to me, it doesn't even sound like he's coming close to meeting them. Worse, it doesn't sound like he even cares to. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. That's just the main feel I'm getting out of your posts on this.

Please let us know how things go. And remember that you and your needs are also important in this, or any relationship. Take care of yourself. *hugs*