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Post Info TOPIC: feel like I reached the bottom (long)
ico


Dooney & Bourke

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feel like I reached the bottom (long)
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and I am digging a hole to go deeper down.


Well, let's try to write something that makes some sense.


I have been working on a paper for about 3 months now. It's not easy, b/c the more I work on it the more confused I get about the meaning of the data I have. I just cannot make a sense out of the data, no maatter how hard I try, it's like trying to compose a puzzle with pieces that don't match with each other. Well, I talked today with the guy who has been working with me. He was pretty disappointed, b/c he had to work on the stuff I sent him and re-write most of it. And I understand that, b/c the stuff I wrote was really disconnected and fragmented. So, he said that he feels like he has been doing too much work for someone that is going to be the second author on the paper (the first author was supposed to be me), and we should decide about this and then talk to the boss about the order our names are gonna have on the paper, or something like that. I have done the experiments, but it is true that he put a ot of work on it, and we discussed the stuff a lot. But even worse he found a mistake on the stuff I had written that a freshmen would have seen


Well, after this, I don't really care who is the first or last author. I don't even care if my name is there at all. I am just mad at myself for not being bale to complete the job. I have been crying on and off the whole afternoon, I feel like a real idiot and I am not even able to bring my own work to the end.


I really feel like I don't want to be in science anymore, I haven't been able to do anything today slightly related to work, and the mere thought of that paper makes me feel like I am gonna trow up. I just want to sleep and forget about this whole thing, I want to give up on it and go away and not have to think about it anymore. I don't hold it against the guy, he is really right and what he says is fair. I am just very disappointed with myself.


I used to love so much studying and learning science, the whole feeling of making a sense out of  numbers and graphs, the whole beauty of things that magically go into their own place and everthing is like a beautiful painting. Sorry I am not making much sense, but I am crying right now and that's what you get.


I really feel like I got to the bottom and there is no light. Don't know what to do, I hate the whole thing now. I really feel like I stole my degree and I am the stupidest person in the world.


Don't know, I guess I don't know what I want you guys to tell me, I am just writing to get it out of my system. I just want to wake up from this nightmare.



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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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Hey, hey, hey... wait just a minute here. sweetie, not being able to write a paper does NOT equate with not deserving your degree. It doesnt' mean you're a failure. It just means writing papers is not your thing. That might be hard to admit, and complicate things with your program, but it does NOT affect your other accomplishments. Please honey, make a list of things that you have done, and done well, be honest and get some help from your friends if necessary. Then post it next to your desk. And figure out what you need to do to get this paper over with. If it works with the culture at your school, maybe tell all this to your advisor. Tell him the paper writing process is confusing to you, and you love research. Ask him how to minimize the things you don't like and maximize the things you do.

You can do this. Science is something you are good at and love. Paper writing is not something you love. That's ok, just do the minimum you need for your program and get it over with. Focus on the things you're good at and ignore the rest!

Please don't keep beating up on yourself.

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Eurodaisy


Dooney & Bourke

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I agree with Dizzy... there are plenty of times in everyone's career or education that you are confronted with a project, a class, a professor, a boss, or whatever that makes you miserable and wonder why you ever chose this field/occupation in the first place.  (I'm in law school, and all of those emotions you described are exactly the way I feel about law review... and I just got finished struggled with an article I'm editing when I saw your post, so I'm really feeling you right now.)


Please, though, don't be sad.  Just remember, it will not last forever, it is not a project that you will be wrestling with your entire life... one way or another, it will get finished, and you can do it.  I dunno if this will help, but the things I think about about I'm confronted with something I have to do that I hate, are 1) "A year/a month/a week/whatever from now, I will not be dealing with this... it will all be a distant, unpleasant memory." and 2) "This thing will not complete itself.  The sooner I do this, for better or for worse, the faster it'll be all over, and then I won't have to think about it anymore." 


You're going to be fine, hun.  You're a smart girl, and if you just believe in yourself, you'll be surprised at what you can do!   



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esquiress


Marc Jacobs

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in times like this, a quote from churchill really helps me through:


"If you are going through hell, keep going"


seriously, sweetheart now is not the time to stop and let it beat you, now is the time to just keep on keeping on. 


you are BRILLIANT, you did not steal your degree. they don't give PhD's away for goodness sake.  you earned your degree.  and ok so what if you're having trouble right now with some paper--you will get through it and you will be better for it.


so what to do now?  have a good cry, a good nap, a good phone convo w/ your family in italy, a good time posting on st, whatever it takes.  then look at the data with fresh eyes, and take it one piece at a time.  you'll figure it out, i know you will.  and you're not alone, we've all been there or are there and we'll all get through it. 


love and kisses sweetie.



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