STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Alegria · Kate Spade

Retirement

pollyjean23 · Marc Jacobs

I think people who quiz you on these things are operating on some sort of autopilot. You have an invisible disability, and you're not of typical retirement age. They may not be privvied to your financial situation or retirement arrangement, and they just are going through the motions of asking you what is next because that is what we do when someone stops working in their 30s.

Maybe it would help to write down the questions you have been getting and different possible answers to each. Decide which ones you are comfortable with, and practice them. If you can practice them with a trusted family member or friend, that would be good, but a mirror works very well too. Be honest with yourself on what you feel comfortable revealing. And, if you have to stop a Nosey Nellie in her tracks, prepare for that too. They're out there. I swear some of them would ask you when your last menstrual cycle was if given the chance...

I usually try not to make my repsonses about me in these posts. But, because I have had a somewhat similar experience, I hope you it will find it helpful to see (1) what I dealt with and (2) how I handled it.

When, at age 35, I left my job as a career counselor after almost 9 years, people responded similarly. I left because I was completely burned out, sick, unhappy, and on the verge of a mental break of some sort. Also, I was doing the equivalent of 2.5 full-time jobs, and receiving nothing but crap from my director. I quit with no other job lined up. The slow trickle of information and question hierarchy went something like this. This is in October 2010, just after my dad died and my boss got promoted but they didn't backfill her position.

You're quitting?

yes

Where will you be working?

I won't be working

Well, what will you be doing?

I'm going back to school

Really? Where? Are you going to UNCC?!

No. I'll be taking classes online through Kent State

[heads tilt, brows furrow]

What are you studying? Are you getting your doctorate in higher education or counseling?

No. I'm changing careers.

[I'll spare you the other branch of the question tree, showing me trying to explain my new career choice and the education I'm pursuing]

Some people asked so many stinkin' questions. By the time they got to about this point, the only questions left were the wholly uncouth ones. I swear I saw a few of them begin to mouth things like, "Why are you quitting just to take online classes?" "But how can you affor...?" "Where is your money coming fr..." "How much did you make...?" "What does your husban...?"

I will say many of them also asked many questions because they wanted me to spill the beans on how miserable my boss was - - which they all knew anyway.

Each person who goes through this will handle it differently. I can sit here and tell you to not worry that people will think you're lazy, but I know that is extremely difficult.

It is tempting and easy to get caught up in all the shoulds that we put (and let others put) in our minds. It is something you have to try to resist. The fact remains that you have an illness over which you have limited control. Remind yourself how extremely difficult work has been and that it would still be if you were to go back to it tomorrow or in a month. There is not much you can do about that.

This is the time to swoop in with abundant self-compassion! You've been giving and giving to your students. Now is the time to give to yourself.

Boots · Gucci

I think Pollyjean hit it on the head when she called it an invisible disability. If you had lost a leg or your sight, people would cut you some slack while you try to learn to manage things. Since many people don't have personal experience with bipolar disorder, it can be difficult for them to comprehend how much work it might take to function. But I think many of the more innocent questions that people give you are probably coming from a place of love and concern. Most of them are interested in you and have a genuine desire to see you do well.

Also, remember that when people are confronted with events that they don't really understand, it's not always easy to find the right words to convey this concern for your well being. It's like when somebody dies. You might express how sorry you are for their loss, but what do you say after that? A lot of people will say something stupid or ask an invasive question without really thinking. I know that I've been guilty of this in the past and have wanted to just make the last thing I said disappear immediately.

Probably the best response you can give someone when they ask "so what are you planning on doing now?" is to be honest. Tell them that you are just managing day to day right now. If they peruse it, tell them that when you figure it out, you'll let them know. Then turn the question back on them. Remember, the easiest way to stop somebody from questioning you is to ask them a question about themselves. People LOVE talking about themeslves.

Suasoria · Chanel

I guess it depends on how much they know about why you retired - certainly you're under no obligation to tell them.

I gotta be honest: sure, your circumstances are unique, but every mother in the first world gets some version of this bull$hi+. Either you're a bad mother because you work, or you're a lazy parasite if you're a stay-at-home mom. Both are gender traps.

It seems like it would be accurate to say "I don't have any plans to [go back to school, get a new job, etc.] and for now I'm trying to make my son my priority and be a full-time mom." End of discussion. If they want to push you into the gender trap, don't fall - say you're choosing motherhood right now because that's what you think is best for everyone.

As for what your days should look like, I can't say...if it were me I'd be seeking routines and rituals because I tend to want a sense of order and structure in my life. Maybe that's not good for you, at least not now.

Alegria · Kate Spade

Thank you ladies so much for expressing your thoughts. I really truly feel that my being at home has helped in my process of becoming healthier. I think that I was so worried about other people and their thoughts that I wasn't really thinking about my needs. I have come to find that the questioning usually has to do with genuine concern, curiosity, nosiness, resentment, or jealousy. I am slowly but surely learning how to deal with all types of questions and trying my best to figure out what the agenda is. Ultimately, I need to do what is best for me and my family and everyone else will have to deal with their own emotions about my llife. Thank you once again for repsponding.

Boots · Gucci

I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling healthier!