STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Andrea Julia · Coach

n/m

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

RE: How bad is it...

Hermes

I think you need to ask yourself what you would want if you were in his shoes. How would you feel if someone didn't return your calls (common courtesy). If someone told you that they met someone else who was more geographically desirable, and that it didn't have anything to do with you, wouldn't you deep down feel you still had a chance if you were really into the person?

I don't think you led him on either - you simply gave the potential relationship a chance - it didn't work.

I really think you need to tell him that you simply don't feel a romantic connection to him and don't want to lead him on - you just want to be open and honest and you feel he deserves that. Wouldn't you want someone to do the same for you if the roles were reversed?

You'll feel better about yourself if you're open and honest. No it's not easy, and he'll be hurt, but it's the kindest, in the long run, way to sever the relationship. I wouldn't feel obligated to tell him that you can still be friends either. If you want to sever it, then sever it. Don't drag it out by agreeing to a friendship you don't intend on keeping.

cc · Marc Jacobs

I agree with sephorablue and detroit. Just brace yourself and tell him the truth - you just aren't really interested. If things get awkward or he tries to argue with you about it (I've had guys who tried to pick me up on the freakin subway not want to take no for an answer) then feel free to say "I'm sorry but I'm just not going to change my mind, please don't call me anymore," and hang up.

As you can see from my post telling someone that you have a serious boyfriend and are not available might not really work! Of course your situation is different since you live so far away and won't be hanging out with him anymore but it's just going to give him wiggle room and hope.

I especially think you should call and get it over with since he's planning to visit you (or your area) so soon. Maybe if this weren't the case you could get away with just ignoring him away but in this case I do feel like you owe him the courtesy of a call.

Andrea Julia · Coach

n/m

-- Edited by Andrea Julia at 01:29, 2006-01-29

bumblebee · Coach

i voted "don't call back" because i am a big wuss. but i think detroit and cc are right. that would be the higher road to take and the right thing to do.

atlgirl · Gucci

he announces that he is "coming to see you" 3 days from now and you would really just rather hang out with your friends this weekend

If that's really the case - he says he's coming to see you without your inviting him, or making specific plans with him, then why in the world would you feel that you have to see him? I don't "do" short notice very well, so if someone was doing that to me, I'd be like fine, but I'm already busy. And I wouldn't feel guilty. Mutual plans are something different, but from your post it sounds like he just comes to visit when he wants, which IMO is rude and you shouldn't feel bad about doing what *you* want.

I also think you should just be straightforward with him. It'll save some time and hurt - he may be more hurt initially, but he'll get over it more quickly. And there'll be no awkward situation down the road if you two happen to run into each other again.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

i'm in the don't call back camp. here's why: i really don't think you owe him an explanation and i really don't think there is an explanation, after all, who knows why you stopped liking him? it just didn't work out. what other explanation is there? and if you give him that explanation, do you really think he'll just accept it and move on? in my experience, if a guy wants to like you and hold out hope, nothing you say will stop him. i think the only thing that really stops them is just the refusal to engage. sooner or later he'll have to get the message or just get tired. as for the do unto them what you would want done to you, i'd much rather just let the thing go because neither one of us called anymore (even if i was the last one to call) and think "his loss" than have some mini break-up convo, ugh, that makes me shudder just thinking about it. but i guess everyone is different and to some people, they'd rather have a call back than not.

blubirde · Chanel

I never thought I'd see the day when these words would be spilt out in front of me but... (here goes) I disagree with esquiress. *gasp!*

I think letting things go and not calling are perfectly okay if you're still in the "we're just talking on the phone and only gone out once or twice" phase. (That's a wordy phrase!) BUT it sounds like from you post (by him coming to visit, etc.) that you might be past that phase, however slightly. If that's the case, I think he deserves some kind of notice. You don't have to tell him he's not your type because seriously, can there be a lamer excuse out there than that one? We all know "not my type" is code for "it's you, not me."

I don't think I'd tell him I met someone nearby because I'm adverse to straight-up lying but I think telling him the distance thing is a problem for you is okay. I'd just say I'm not into long-distance relationships and I like you but not enough to go through all that trouble (or something perhaps nicer).

Good luck and keep us posted!

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

blubirde wrote:

I never thought I'd see the day when these words would be spilt out in front of me but... (here goes) I disagree with esquiress. *gasp!*

lol, blubirde you crack me up! but yeah, i totally see how this one could go both ways. aj'll handle it fine whatever she does though, i'm sure she'll play it by ear and gauge it just right.

NCshopper · Hermes

I'm in the "Just tell him the truth" camp. It's the quickest way to end this. You'll feel better knowing you've told him and letting him move on and you'll have the weekend free to do whatever you want instead of having to hang out with him.

I agree with atlgirl that it's just rude for him to invite himself up on pretty short notice, but I think he deserves to be told that you're just no longer interested instead of him losing sleep over the whole thing wondering what he did wrong.