STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

fashionista L · Coach

When a guy wants you to make all the calls...

laken1 · Hermes

Surely ya'll will talk again - who will call who, I don't know, but when you do, I would say exactly what you said to us. That you really like hanging out with him but are old fashioned & you really like for someone to call you & ask you out & you can't be the one to make all the calls in the situation. At least that's what i would do, maybe it's bold, but i think he needs that. If not, if this goes forward you will be deciding everything (like where your kids are going to pre-school!!!!) and that really sucks.

Sounds like you have been having fun though! Glad to hear it.

lsubatgirl · Gucci

Girl that is what i keep coming across with the guy I'm sorta seeing. I feel like the guy should be putting forth the effort and not me!! I am so not use to calling up a guy and deciding things. I like the guy calling me up and saying lets do something. It took lots of my sorta joking around and being serious about how if he's waiting on me to ask him out or something like that he'll be waiting a very long time because I'm not going to do it for him to get the hint (this was after he asked me out the first time thank god - I refuse to ask a guy out for a first date ever!)

Hang in there. This guy will get the picture. I'm glad you are doing well with your break up and all.

blink · Coach

People aren't going to like this answer, but I am only responding to help a girl save her dignity in the best way I know. Here goes...if someone tongue lashes me for this, I won't be responding.

don't call him anymore unless it's to return his call and don't give your action some sort of reasoning or definition if he asks, just say you were busy. I don't think it's old fashioned, I think it's natural in the unavoidable game of reciprocation. I happen to think that most guys like girls more if they are the one's doing the pursuing. He's being lazy using his supposed intimidation of you to make you be the person to put yourself out there, and it may very well affect his desire for you. I am sure he doesn't realize this, but his over-protection of himself might leave him less interested in you.

This is just my humble opinion....I acknowledge there are exceptions out there (I know some great stories where the girl made the first bold move, but the guy took the reins from there and she never had to deal with him not calling her) and hopefully you and this guy are the exception, but I wouldn't bet on it as you have described the state of things now.

blubirde · Chanel

I'd just come out and tell him next time y'all talk that it feels weird for you to be calling him all the time and maybe he can call you sometime. I'm sure he'll understand and if he still doesn't call you after that, Lorelei's probably right and he's not interested enough (as hard as that might be to accept).

But at some point, and probably not right now since y'all are just starting to hang out, the whole telephone volley goes out the window. Here's to hoping you get to that point!

ETA: I just re-read my post and I didn't really mean he wouldn't like YOU enough, just that he's not mature enough to do the things you want him to do, which hopefully means you won't like HIM enough! I hope that makes sense!

-- Edited by blubirde at 13:23, 2005-10-07

lynnie · Chanel

basically, he likes you yet he's too wussy to make the moves and if you don't call him, he can just think, well, i guess she didn't want that and wash his hands of it. Whereas if he calls and you reject him (sounds like you wouldn't, as long as he doesnt keep this up!), he has to feel like 1) you're too good for him and 2) something's wrong with him. he's probably intimidated and shy and lazy, all rolled into one, and wants to protect his feelings. i'm saying this because i know tons of guys like this- i don't think it means that he doesn't like you enough, i think it means that he isn't enough of a man yet. He should have to work a little to get what he wants, so i would just date other people in the meantime. It might seem stupid when you really like him, but he shouldn't put all the pressure on you, and hopefully he'll start calling. If not, maybe he's not a "take control of my own destiny" kind of guy, which is a very appealing quality in a mate, IMHO, and I think is important to you as well, since it bothers you that he wants you to make the decisions.

Andrea Julia · Coach

lorelei wrote:

People aren't going to like this answer, but I am only responding to help a girl save her dignity in the best way I know. Here goes...if someone tongue lashes me for this, I won't be responding. don't call him anymore unless it's to return his call and don't give your action some sort of reasoning or definition if he asks, just say you were busy. I don't think it's old fashioned, I think it's natural in the unavoidable game of reciprocation. I happen to think that most guys like girls more if they are the one's doing the pursuing. He's being lazy using his supposed intimidation of you to make you be the person to put yourself out there, and it may very well affect his desire for you. I am sure he doesn't realize this, but his over-protection of himself might leave him less interested in you. This is just my humble opinion....I acknowledge there are exceptions out there (I know some great stories where the girl made the first bold move, but the guy took the reins from there and she never had to deal with him not calling her) and hopefully you and this guy are the exception, but I wouldn't bet on it as you have described the state of things now.

I agree completely, lorelei.

Fashionista, I would do one more forward thing before giving up. I would assure him that you do like him and he should not feel nervous because you are alway happy to hear from him. If this does not make him less fearful of calling you, he may be lying about what the issue actually is. Maybe he is just lazy or for some reason, is afraid or not ready to put in the effort needed to date someone. Whatever it is, I don't think it is normal for one person to have to make the phone calls and plans all time time.

I totally understand what you are saying about feeling annoying. When you are first dating someone it is so hard to know where the line between being annoying and showing interest is drawn or where the line between showing disinterest and giving him space is drawn. It would really help if he would call and plan, too.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

i also agree with lorelai and think it was a very generous and unselfish thing for her to say what she did even at the risk of being slammed/flamed/judged.

here's the thing about dating, i don't believe in "the rules" or "the game" but there is a certain amount of give and take that has to happen. If you're always the one giving there's just a sort of imbalance that can affect the way a guy sees you, which is unfortunate. so to keep things from turning unfortunate, i think it's best to make sure you're not always the one pursuing, even when he asks you too, actually strike that--especially when he asks you to. by coming out and flat out asking you to call him, he's testing the waters to see how much of the work you will do. don't fall for it. also don't not call only to give in and text/call an hour later or whatever because that's still not shifting the dynamic.

let me give you an example, there was this guy i dated ages ago, D--he was sooo cute. but whenever i'd call he'd most likely be at the gym and say "call me in an hour babe" and silly silly me thought that i was being all crafty by waiting an hour and an extra fifteen minutes before calling him. but the fact of the matter is he hardly ever had to lift a finger because i'd be the one calling him. i finally got tired of it and stopped calling all together. and guess who finally started calling? D, of course.

right around that time i realized that it's really not about playing hard to get--it's about being hard to get. saying you're busy is great but what's even better is actually being busy with other things so that he doesn't have a monopoly on your time and attention.

good luck and i'm really proud of you for getting out there and having fun!

-- Edited by esquiress at 16:57, 2005-10-07

fashionista L · Coach

Thanks for all your advice ladies!! I really appreciate it!! It has been a long time since I have dated and I'm a lil rusty, but guess what, he called me last night. I am definitely going to take your advice, I even printed this out so I could use it for future reference!! Thanks!!

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Y'all, this is good stuff. I'm printing out this thread to think about later (it's so weird, but I do that when I really like some of the things people have said and I don't want to forget...)