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Post Info TOPIC: Need a lil advice re my "stalker"
XtinaStyles


Marc Jacobs

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Need a lil advice re my "stalker"
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Going to try to make a long story short.  Several months ago, I noticed a guy staring at me on the train.  It made me uncomfortable so I simply faced a diff way.  I got out of the train and walked to work and was tapped on the shoulder by the same guy.  He offered me his umbrella (it was raining), asked what my name was, wanted to get to know me, etc, could we get lunch.  He seemed nice enough and kinda cute but I told him he was crazy and I didn't know him.  He said to think about it, gave me his card.

He works like 2 blocks away from my job, had a good career and I figured hey let me give it a shot.  I emailed from work him saying lunch wasn't good but maybe drinks.  We then spent like 12 emails back n forth with logistics.  I think we had plans which I cancelled due to a press deadline and never followed up.  A few weeks later, the same guy ran into me on my way to work again.  He smiled and asked why I never followed through, I simply said I was sorry and rude and promised to have drinks.  After all, I felt like I owed it to him at this point.  Finally, we hung out, went to a wine bar and had some apps.  He seemed nice, had a good education, but wasn't really my type, seemed like he was persuing me for all the wrong reasons and I don't mean to be petty but he bounced a $40 bar tab.  I gave him my phone number, a kiss and said goodbye with intentions to keep an open mind and not judge like I normally do.  

He never called or texted but continued to email me at work.  This really started to annoy me, I asked him to call or text instead, to which he responded with another 4 work emails (also reminding me of the money thing constantly).  Finally I just got turned off and stopped responding.  He then texted me.  Then emailed.  Then texted again.  Emailed again.  I decided to just not respond.  I know that was the wrong choice but I simply feel weird giving the pseudo-breakup speech when I'm not even with someone and I thought 3 attempts of communication were enough of a sign of lack of communication in the normal world.  It has been approx 5 months and I still get emails from him, though infrequent (like 1 per month).  

Today I received an email that was disturbing.  It read something like, "Was it you who was standing in front of the library today?"  No "hi" - no "gee I know it's been a while..."  I knew he worked near my job so it may be a coincidence that he saw me on my lunchbreak but the email just gave me chills.  Should I be worried?  Should I write back?  My stance to the whole thing was that his aggressiveness was weird and that I shouldn't reinforce his behavior but he doesn't seem to be getting the hint.  Also, now that he has my work email, I'm sure he can come visit any time he wants.  That was the dumbest thing I've done in a long time.  Thoughts???


-- Edited by XtinaStyles on Tuesday 19th of October 2010 01:03:10 AM

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alb


Marc Jacobs

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Wow, this guy's got some serious mental issues.  I'd stay away and def. NOT respond to this latest bizarre question.  So were you in front of the library as he said or was this some other person?  If you were and he spotted you, that is truly scary.  And what do you mean that he emails you about money??  Weird.  Also very strange that he didn't pay his bar tab. 

I'd be tempted to let someone at your office know that this guy has been bothering you and has your work email.  Do you guys have security in your building at work?  If so, it wouldn't hurt to mention it to them just in case.  I think if you do respond you will only be encouraging him to contact you - regardless of what you say.  This guy is not one to pay attention to what people say/write.  Hopefully his attempts to contact you will dwindle as time goes by.  So sorry you got stuck in this situation!

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D


Hermes

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Me, I'd say, "was I with a guy with dark hair?" I was with my new boyfriend last night, so if you saw me I wasn't alone."

Back in the day, saying I had a boyfriend or was now engaged worked pretty well in getting guys I wasn't interested in to look elsewhere...

Sometimes not responding lets them think they still have a chance because you haven't told them no.

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"Fashion can be bought. Style one must possess." ~ Edna Woolman Chase
Boots


Gucci

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If a guy gives you chills in the bad way, listen to your gut! I think that sometimes women tend to be too nice or worry about hurting someones feelings and that's when they get in a bad situation. I would contact this guy once and only once to tell him that you are not interested in him and please not to contact you again. Don't offer excuses, don't apologize. Then block him on your email and get his number blocked on your phone. If you see him on your train, stay as far away as possible. If he tries to speak with you, very loudly (so other people can hear) tell him that you've asked him to leave you alone and he should back off.

I think more of us than you've realized have dealt with something like this before. I had my issue in college and it was a scary thing for a 20 year old. I'd deal with it better now as a 38 year old, but honestly, I think it'd be just as scary,

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gossipgirl


Dooney & Bourke

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I agree with D's suggestion. Make sure he knows there is no chance and you are taken!

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Yana


Dooney & Bourke

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Sounds like a guy with issues...I think you're not being petty, but small details complete a big picture & I'd make a mental note of those bounced $40 as well... Besides, all those e-mails. I know you want to come across as nice, but it's been time & he needs to understand boundaries, which you  need to set. Just be politely open & straightforward: tell him to stop contacting you. You are not interested in persuing ANY kind of relationship with him & it is very inappropriate to keep contacting you at work, when you need to concentrate and actually work. Ask to please stop any kind of contact.

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YanaK
Kelly


Hermes

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Saw this today and it reminded me of this...

http://jezebel.com/5663173/unfortunately-aggressive-guys-have-no-idea-youre-not-interested

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XtinaStyles


Marc Jacobs

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Yana wrote:

Sounds like a guy with issues...I think you're not being petty, but small details complete a big picture & I'd make a mental note of those bounced $40 as well... Besides, all those e-mails. I know you want to come across as nice, but it's been time & he needs to understand boundaries, which you  need to set. Just be politely open & straightforward: tell him to stop contacting you. You are not interested in persuing ANY kind of relationship with him & it is very inappropriate to keep contacting you at work, when you need to concentrate and actually work. Ask to please stop any kind of contact.

Yea - the money thing was weird - my friends balked bc anyone can have an issue w their bank account but most STABLE people would have a back up.  I don't care about the money but it just seemed like a red flag of sorts (also, he worked in finance and had a masters in business, i'd have expected better).

I'm going to send a brief email and hope he stops there.  

Beyond anything I am disappointed that I am usually VERY standoffish and have a hard time meeting people and when I put myself out there, this is what happens.  :-\

 



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Suasoria


Chanel

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I don't think I would have done ANYTHING different than you've already done - other than maybe accepting lunch vs. drinks.

But I agree that it's time to cut it off, in whatever way feels right to you. I would be friendly, though. If you think he's volatile don't set him off.



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Yana


Dooney & Bourke

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Don't feel bad, it's not your fault. Besides, you think he had those degrees, how do you really know...$40 is a red flag - he knew it was the 1st time you agreed to see him, he should've been prepared & again, those little things create a bigger picture...I'd definitely notice as well...Set the boundary - tell him off. Politely. Anyhow,  you don't owe him anything.

-- Edited by Yana on Wednesday 20th of October 2010 10:08:28 AM

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YanaK
Boots


Gucci

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Yana wrote:

Don't feel bad, it's not your fault. Besides, you think he had those degrees, how do you really know...$40 is a red flag - he knew it was the 1st time you agreed to see him, he should've been prepared & again, those little things create a bigger picture...I'd definitely notice as well...Set the boundary - tell him off. Politely. Anyhow,  you don't owe him anything.

-- Edited by Yana on Wednesday 20th of October 2010 10:08:28 AM


I fully agree.  You owe this guy nothing.

And the silver lining is that you did put yourself out there.  Whether it paid off the way you though it would is irrelevant.  What's important to remember is that you gave it a shot.  And the next time it might be a great guy.

 



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Yana


Dooney & Bourke

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Again, as Suasoria pointed out - be careful, because another red flag was his persistent contacting you, without your encouragement or response, even more so to the address you specifically told him not to use...so, i think you  should be honest, straight to the point & polite...you don't know what's his mental situation is...

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Miss Mabel


Kenneth Cole

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I agree with D. And if you haven't already emailed him, I might include in the email something about being busy getting ready to start a new job. Then consider having your IT department deactivate your old email address and assign you a new one. You can either choose to have all your old emails forwarded to your new address (he'll never know that they aren't just in the Internet ether) or ask IT to set up a bounceback (in which case you would of course have to let all your legit contacts know to use your new email).

I think it's rare nowadays for companies to cancel non-working email addresses, so he might never be the wiser even if he doesn't get a bounceback.


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Suasoria


Chanel

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Miss Mabel wrote:


I think it's rare nowadays for companies to cancel non-working email addresses, so he might never be the wiser even if he doesn't get a bounceback.

 



Great point. We don't. We forward them to the person's supervisor or another manager. So if you go that route and he still contacts you, you can reply "sorry, she no longer works for the company."



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XtinaStyles


Marc Jacobs

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Miss Mabel wrote:

I agree with D. And if you haven't already emailed him, I might include in the email something about being busy getting ready to start a new job. Then consider having your IT department deactivate your old email address and assign you a new one. You can either choose to have all your old emails forwarded to your new address (he'll never know that they aren't just in the Internet ether) or ask IT to set up a bounceback (in which case you would of course have to let all your legit contacts know to use your new email).

 
I think it's rare nowadays for companies to cancel non-working email addresses, so he might never be the wiser even if he doesn't get a bounceback.

 

GREAT idea!  I actually havent written him bc I had the worst week - will do this and hope he lays off.

 Thanks everyone for your  input!  

 



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