STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

jen · Kate Spade

Need advice-kinda personal

killa · Dooney & Bourke

Do you think this is just the way you are, or do you think it has to do with him?

If this is just the way you are, then maybe someday down the road, you guys might want to see a therapist ... not because there is anything wrong with you ... just to help you two deal with it and not fight about it.

From your bf's perspective, it has to be hard on him because he might feel rejected, unwanted, unattractive, etc. which is really hard for the ego. Just consider that when he gets made and defensive.

I also see your point of view. The best thing you can do is keep the communication lines open and try to be sensitive to the other person's feelings.

blubirde · Chanel

Have you ever been in a relationship where you are sexually attracted to the guy and don't have the problem you're having with your current boyfriend?

Also, are you on any kind of hormones (birth control) or mood stablizers (paxil, zoloft)?

I talked with my gyno about this same scenario once when I was having a similar problem with an ex. Of course it could psychological, but let's just assume it's sex-drive related only for now. She told me that you just have to work at it. Try and set aside some "romantic time." Get a bottle of wine (wine always makes things more romantic to me). Think about sex all day long and then when you get home, you might be ready to jump him.

And this might be too personal, but I assume it's not since we're on the topic, have you ever thought about any sexual aides to increase drive? Vibrators, sexy videos, outfits, etc.?

Basically I think you just have to make it a priority like you do anything else. And of course you shouldn't do something you don't want to do but if you work at it, maybe you'll surprise yourself and want to do it more often that you thought!

HTHs!

ILoveChoo · Hermes

(((hugs))) I am like that too and it's so frustrating! Especially when so many people tell me to take it as a sign that we are not right for each other which I do not believe at all! Have you always been that way, or has it just cooled off? I think after a while with the same person sometimes it is just a lot harder to get into. I know it's not just "me" becasue the attraction has been there before, and it's still there once in a while with other people...

Don't force yourself to do anything you don't want to do- I've done that and it just made me bitter. Try doing something out of the ordinary- go on a date together instead of just following the normal routine. Go on a romantic picnic with a bottle of wine, maybe.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more. I can't offer you any magical solutions but like I said I'm there too and it might help just to have someone to talk it out with.

jen · Kate Spade

Thank you girls so much for being understanding. I thought you'd all think I was weird or something. I have been attracted to past boyfriends, like my last bf, but we'd fight as well because I'd only be in the mood maybe once a month, with my bf now it's never. I think maybe it;s a combo of all these things: I'm on the pill, I'm not a very sexual person to begin with, and he'd gained a lot of weight and I'm just not attracted to him.

I'm going to try having us go out tonight and kinda get back into how we were in the beginning because then I was more up to it. I guess I just have to take tiny steps to get back into the groove of things. Thanks again girls, it helps having people that understand!

splash · Kenneth Cole

I hope it goes well tonight!

It sounds like this is just the way it is, and it's just fine. Other people asked the same question that came to my mind: have you felt the same about other bf's. Since you have, then maybe it's just your personality, and as long as you're both happy.

This is probably taking this too seriously, but is there something that's made you not want to be sexual? In a psych class I took, the professor talked about how sometimes after being raped, or other much less extreme things, people would start to avoid thinking sexually. If I remember right, psychologists couldn't do much about except help someone work through and understand their feelings and then relearn to enjoy that, like by setting up romantic dinners etc.

lynnie · Chanel

Is it possible that you're just a late-bloomer? I know that I personally didn't really have the sexual drive through my teens, and only since I've met my current bf that I've really really wanted to kiss, etc. another boy. There was only one other person that I really liked to kiss but that was it. Every other experience I felt kind of like, eh, why not or, hmm, THEY want to kiss me, ok I will. I never had that drive through my teens to hook up with boys, I think because it was taboo in my family and I was very overprotected. I didn't have the opportunity to sneak around with boys during my high school years and make-out under the bleachers, hehe. Even now (I am almost 22), I still don't really know very many things about sex or my sex drive- they say women hit their prime later. I am really not sure what to suggest however- you shouldn't have to do anything you don't want to do but I imagine that this could be straining on a relationship. Could you possibly talk to someone to see if its something you could work through? It could be anything really, like you said, a combination of multiple factors. Does it bother you that you're not attracted to him or is it only an issue for him? If you helped him lose the extra weight, do you think it would help? I had a friend once who wasn't really that attracted to her bf while he was growing out his hair but after he cut it, it helped a lot. I think attraction is really random sometimes.