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Post Info TOPIC: Mother-in-law trauma!


Kate Spade

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Mother-in-law trauma!
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I need some help with this situation... My M-I-L is not a nice person. I know alot of people have problems with theirs but this lady is awful to everyone, not just me(the person who stole her baby away)!! There are so many stories I have to tell you guys how bad she is but I will narrow it down. One time a lady took a parking space at Wal Mart that my M-I-L thought should have been hers and she chased the lady into the store telling her she took her F***ing parking space!!!! She didn't talk to me for four days when we went to Disney World because I was scared to ride a roller coaster with her


The thing is that i used to go out of my way to do things with her regardless of the way she treated me since that way his mom. She has done a lot of really rude stuff though. She had called me on my birthday and said she wanted to take me and her other son out for our birthday's (his is 2 days after mine). Then she called back on the day that we were going to go out to tell us that we would just be going out to celebrate his birthday not both of ours together. Which to me I wouldn't have cared either way but don't change the plans the day of. And forget about being with that woman in a moving vehicle. My husband is not the best driver in the world. However, it is more than fine for her to tell him to slow down, etc, but let me speak up and she will start yelling and screaming at me.


Here is the thing that I need help(after the long story, sorry). I have alot of stomach issues that as long as I take medication for I am fine. Stress though makes it worse and I end up in the hospital or at the doctor's office. I started realizing that everytime I have issues with this lady and get upset is when I get really sick again. It was ok when she was just evil and I overlooked it, but all of the crap is really affecting my health. I always get stuck in the middle because she will never shut up and my husband is usually to scared to say anything to her. He thinks she is totally rude but doesn't want to upset mommy by saying something to her. In the past I never would have just cut her completely off but now if it wasn't for having a great job here i would move to where i only had to see her once every couple of years. Lately we have stopped going over to her house. We have been really busy so it isn't like we have been making up false excuses or anything, but I can tell she is getting really irritated that he hasn't been seeing her as much. So what would you guys do? If I tell her she is the type to where she never thinks she is wrong and will hold it against me forever, to the point of where i will not even be welcome on the traditional family days. I don't know if we should just continue to be busy every weekend for the rest of our lives. But I can tell she is about to blow about that one too and I don't think I can take her crap anymore!! HELP!!



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Kate Spade

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Wow,
now I feel like a total baby! I just posted yesterday in the wedding section about my MIL problems.
They don't even compare to yours! If I had stomach problems every time my MIL started getting on my nerves I would loose it! You poor thing! My MIL is the BIGGEST complainer. She tells my husband that I hate her, which I do not. I am very nice to her, but he wants me to call her all the time and bond with her. Fat chance.

To help you if I can, when you have to be around her I would just try to droun it out. Just stay calm and seem like you are paying attention to her, but just daydream, don't really listen.
As for making up excuses not to go over there, if it is better for your health then do it.
Your man really needs to stick up for you. He needs to tell her that when you go over there it is bad for your health to be around stressful or exciting situations and that everyone needs to be quiet and calm or you will have to go to the hospital.

For something really sever if no other thing works. Make a point to "get sick" when it can be obvious that it is because of her. If you are having a heated conversation or you are somewhere when she is yelling, weather you feel fine or not, really milk it. Act like you are going to pass out or be sick. Run up to the bathroom in mid conversation or mid yelling and don't come down for a really long time. Then tell your hubby to tell her that you are really sick and the both of you really have to leave. If this doesn't shake her or make her feel bad, she really is a witch and you should just avoid her at all costs.

I am so sorry! I know how it feels to want to please your in-laws as well as your hubby, but come on!
Please keep me posted.

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Marc Jacobs

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I say fuck with her - Sounds like she's a classic narcissist. She isn't going to change. And your husband probably isn't going to resolve his issues with her, thus allowing him to stand up for you the way he should, soon enough to do your stomach any good. (Growing up with her was probably no picnic, huh, so who can blame him?)


Look, she gets off on bothering you, or anyone. Because she is seriously just a four-year-old trapped in the body of a grandmother (or grandmother-aged person). She also has no real concept of the fact that other people exist. Have you ever tried to explain empathy to a four-year-old? Does not compute.


You can't act with her like you would with a normal person. At best, she will completely fail to understand that you are being polite and considerate of her (because it's not something it would ever occur to her to do). At worst, she'll think you're weak and decide you're a good target.


So, with a normal person, you would try to explain how you feel, be patient, empathize with her feelings, whatever. Don't do that. Any of it. If you want peace, just agree with everything she says, whatever she says. Or pretend you don't hear her.


When she wants you to ride the roller coaster, and you don't want to, it turns into a power struggle for her. Don't argue, don't explain your side, don't listen to a word she says. She needs to be able to get out of the power struggle feelign like she came out on top. Just say "Of course I'll ride the coaster with you." Then don't. When she asks you about it, don't hear her. Or say something totally noncommital or nonsensical like "Of course roller coaster riding is so good for your heart." Then compliment her. The compliment is key. It's all she'll hear.


Whatever you do, don't challenge one thing out of her mouth. If she says the sky is green, say "It's so perceptive of you to notice that." Practice noncommital compliments like "I never thought of that. You always have so much insight... You know the most unusual facts... whatever.." Blah, blah, blah. Treat her like you would an annoying child. She will know something is wrong, but she is trapped in her own meanness and will not be able to do anything.


It's also a good idea to notice the things she does to other people, and do them back to her, if possible. Silent treatment is a good example. She uses these control tactics because she thinks there's no response. So if someone does it to her, she won't know what to do. (Obviously, you don't want to use her technique of yelling obscenities, though).


Finally, be prepared for her to enlist other people against you. If your sister-in-law or something starts calling asking you to be nicer to mom because she's having a hard time wiht the recent death of her houseplant or something, just say, "Of course, I had no idea she thought I would ever treat her badly. I'm horrified...." Then don't call, don't visit, don't bother to do anything.


The whole point of her tirades is to make you do something you don't want to do, for example, visit her more often. The harder you fight, the harder she'll fight. And in her psycho brain, it's a fight that means EVERYTHING. You'll wear out before she will. So just don't fight. If she wants you to visit, say "Of course, we'll be right over." Then DON"T GO. Just don't do it. And say you will. I know it sounds weird. Actually, it is weird. The thing is, she's insane and you cannot deal with her like you would a normal person so weird is what you get. And the most important thing is that you take care of you. So considering the alternative (being in the HOSPITAL for crying out loud) this isn't so bad, is it?


Good luck. PM me if you have a specific situation where you don't think this advice will apply. I have a narcissistic mother, ex-husband and ex-boss. I've probably either dealt with the same situation, or watched someone else deal with it with one of the above three.  



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Marc Jacobs

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oh my gosh, what a nightmare to have a mil who literally makes you sick!  poor joy0302!  first of all, you sound like an awesome person (i was really impressed by your insight and advice in reply to beachgirl's thread) so she's obviously off her rocker to not be able to see that. 


this is definitely a difficult situation and i kinda wish your hubby would confront his mom on this but since that doesn't seem to be the case, here's what i'd do--avoid, avoid, avoid.  make up a million excuses, when she blows up be like i'm soo sorry we'll definitely try to see you soon, apologize like crazy.  then just go on avoiding her. 


i know, i know, it's very passive aggressive but she doesn't sound like the type of person who'd respond at all positively to anything remotely rational.  so fine, we'll play it her way.  maybe she'll even start missing you and hubby so much that she'll change her ways (we can dream can't we?).


ETA:  just read dizzy's post--i second everything she said!  dizzy's ex-boss stories are legendary so she's our resident expert on dealing w/ crazy people



-- Edited by esquiress at 15:22, 2005-07-12

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Kate Spade

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Thanks for the input! You guys pinpointed her really well. Dizzy I was laughing when you said she would start enlisting people to call us! She has already done that before!! How funny! You are all right, I will try to avoid her at all cost and when that is not possible I will only pretend to be paying attention to her. I will agree with her and then think what an idiot she is in my mind Luv2shop I hope your M-I-L issues work out also. And Dizzy I went back and read some of your posts that esquiress told me about-very funny story about your boss and the mint leaves! Thanks for the compliment esquiress! I will keep you all posted. Wish me luck, I think I may have to see her this weekend! HA!!

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Chanel

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this lady sounds nutso!

i feel like my m-i-l does a lot of passive-aggressive things, but nothing like this. my favorite story being her inviting me over for my birthday dinner and serving filet even though she knows (and has known for five years!) that i am a vegetarian! there was nothing in the fridge i could eat, so i ended up cooking myself my own spaghetti.

i feel like she does other smarmy things like i will say how much i love anthropologie, but can't really afford to shop there, and then she will go on a spree there. like she is competing with me or something. my s-i-l (her stepdaughter) has told me all kinds of awful stories about growing up with her...so i really just do my best to avoid uncomfortable situations.

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