STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

feeling guilty and don't know what to do

crystal · Kate Spade

wow, did u crawl into my brain & read my thoughts!!! i am totally in the same situation w/ a guy who is great on paper but i feel no chemistry. (plus he's too short for me, but i've overlooked it in the past when there is chemistry) i'm not dating anyone else so i keep dating him just to pass the time but i feel pretty bad about it cuz i know we have no future. oh & his friends are really cool & nice so i kinda wanna keep him around cuz of his cool friends! ugh, i'm evil! i usually subscibe to the idea that once u figure out ur not gonna marry a guy, then why keep dating, but it's summer & my bday is coming up & i kinda just want someone to "kick it" w/. it's not serious or anything, but i'm dreading the day he wants it to be.

good luck girl, not sure i have been much help, but at least u've got company! see u wednesday!

(i'll call u once i get the details...)

janey831 · Kate Spade

you know, i've been giving that a lot of thought lately, looking back on the perfectly NICE guys that i have looked over in the past just because i wasn't 'feeling' it. i've thought, what if i tried a little harder, gave them another chance? but i really don't think anything would have been that different, because the chemistry wasn't there. who knows why we click with certain people despite their not meeting our 'specifications' and why we don't click with those who look GREAT on paper. a good friend of mine said that going out on a boring date is like slowly dying. i agree. bottom line, you can't fake or create chemistry, you either have it or you don't. it's just there. you may want to try and go out with this guy one more time just to make sure, but it sounds to me as though you're pretty sure there is no spark.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

oh my god crystal, my guy's too short too! i'm only 5'3 and i was in my espadrilles which have a four inch heel max and he was barely taller than me!

oh and not to say that i need a totally hot guy to have chemistry, my last crush wasn't really cute at all but i soo felt something, by the way there was something that went absolutely nowhere--all i have to say is that at least he never found out my feelings and that i'd like already named our future kids in my head!

but i have to admit that i've never had chemistry w/ a short guy--does that make me a height bigot?? oh dear...

oh and i can't wait for wednesday either, what are you wearing??

Andrea Julia · Coach

esquiress wrote:

Ok so I went out w/ this great guy last night and on paper he's perfect (except he's a lawyer too and I kinda don't want to date a lawyer since I'm a lawyer but whatever) and he was really nice and brought me flowers and took me out to dinner and then a cool wine bar and the conversation was great (but then again, I can talk to anyone) and I think he really likes me but....I'm just not feeling it. And I feel really bad! I mean he went to all that effort, you know? Oh background: we met at some event but I didn't remember him and then a mutual friend of ours wanted to set us up so she gave him my number (after i said she could) and he called and last night was our first date. so now I feel guilty and like what if there is something wrong w/ me for not liking a perfectly nice guy? but I can't help it you guys--that spark just wasn't there! it must really suck to be a guy sometimes and I have a feeling I'll probably get roped into giving him another chance but I know myself and to be honest...it's probably a waste of time...but then again nothing else is going on right now...but would a second date be leading him on? because i really wouldn't want to do that.....ugh, any thoughts??

Okay, I wouldn't be worried about the effort he put in. I mean, I would probably feel bad, but then think of how many times I spent money on a new outfit, spent hours doing hair and make-up, and got all psyched for the date only to go out with him once and never hear from him again. Not saying that the next nice guy should have to pay for what other guys have done; my point is that when you go on a date, you put effort into it not really knowing if the person is going to like you.

I think you should give him a second chance, but if you are not feeling it after the second date, just let him go. Don't feel guilty and keep going out with him hoping you'll change your mind because he is so perfect on paper. Basically, don't be me the way I was with Devon, going on about 800 dates with him hoping I would change my mind. I'm sure I told you about him--he was the guy who fit every requirement I have for a guy and for some reason, I just didn't like him. I will always regret that and lost a friend over it.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

aj, of course i remember devon--poor guy, but at least now you have the WWDD barometer which sure can come in very handy. btw, did you ever go out w/ O again? what happened?

and yeah, you're right, he put in effort but it wasn't a ridiculous amount (i mean it's just a date and the flowers were probably from a grocery store or something) so i think i'm over feeling bad.

a friend of mine was so hilarious--she said "well everybody can't like everybody. if everybody liked everybody, everybody would try to get with everybody!" makes very little sense but it made me laugh--along with this comment--"what are you supposed to do? date him out of pity?"

oh well, maybe crystal and i will meet guys w/ spark salsa dancing on wednesday! and maybe you and i will meet guys we have chemisty w/ in vegas! can't wait, peeps!

blubirde · Chanel

esquiress wrote:

but i have to admit that i've never had chemistry w/ a short guy--does that make me a height bigot?? oh dear...

hahahaha!!! pretty funny! I'm definitely a height bigot, but really it's just about finances. I have a lot of nice shoes. I spent a lot of money on them. If I want to decrease my cost per wear, I have to wear them often. If I wear my shoes often (and most are heels) then I am taller than my already 5'7" self. I HAVE to date a tall guy so that I can get more use out of my pretty shoes, therefore decreasing my cpw. It just makes fiscal sense.

As for the "no spark" guy, bleh, don't you hate it when that happens? Here's what I'll say about that: I've dated guys with no spark and there have been a few different scenarios that played out. 1st guy) I ended up being super-attracted to him after I got to know him a bit more (he was so smart that I was kind of starry-eyed around him even though I totally didn't want him to kiss me the first few times we went out); 2nd guy) I gave him a second date, and a third, etc. We didn't end up together and don't even talk to that guy anymore. BUT he was a great kisser (a redeeming quality - sparks when my eyes were closed and I'd maybe had a little too much to drink) and he took me on one of the best dates I've ever been on - did all this thoughtful stuff which really meant a lot to me at the time; and 3rd guy) we kissed one night and that was it. It totally wasn't happening on my end. But now we're such good friends. I wouldn't trade him for anyone. He's an awesome guy and I love him very much. He's one of the few people I can count on, no matter what. But we are in no way a potential dating item. We talk about our other dates with each other and give each other tips, warnings, encouragements, etc.

So basically I'm saying sometimes a "no spark" guy can turn into something really great. Or at least a great experience. I think cultivating relationships with people is completely fulfilling and interesting, no matter the kind of relationship. That might not be a possibility with this guy but it's definitely worth a 2nd date to see if there's anything there to cultivate.

And don't feel bad about him taking you out and such. He's doing it to create a good impression and it does, right? He can't expect anything more than that and if he does, then that's his fault for relying on flowers, etc. to do that for him. He thinks you're worth it (and you are!) so don't worry about the effort he goes to. Be impressed and appreciative and that's all he can ask for.

When are you going out again?

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

that kind of thing can drive you crazy! i know just what you mean. it's happened to me a couple of times -- in both cases the guy in question was kind, intelligent, respectful, thoughtful -- but there was no spark. i've remained friends with one and not the other, but he lives in another city so there wasn't much chance for us to begin with. anyway: i do think it couldn't hurt to go on another date with him. you are a very thoughtful and kind person yourself, so you are sure to handle this with tact and consideration!

crystal · Kate Spade

esquiress wrote:

oh my god crystal, my guy's too short too! i'm only 5'3 and i was in my espadrilles which have a four inch heel max and he was barely taller than me! oh and not to say that i need a totally hot guy to have chemistry, my last crush wasn't really cute at all but i soo felt something, by the way there was something that went absolutely nowhere--all i have to say is that at least he never found out my feelings and that i'd like already named our future kids in my head! but i have to admit that i've never had chemistry w/ a short guy--does that make me a height bigot?? oh dear... oh and i can't wait for wednesday either, what are you wearing??

haha, i'm totally a height biggot! at least u can wear 4" heels!! if my flats have more than a 1/4" sole i'm pushing it! i dunno, feels that way anyways, but i just know i cannot wear any kind of heel or i will be taller than him!! i actually dated a guy in college & one night after we had been dating for a fair amount of time, i decided to dress up all cute for our movie date. well my version of "all cute" includes heels which apparently i had never worn around him before. he seemed cool the whole night, even tho i was practically towering over him, but then he abruptly stopped calling me after that. i can only assume he was intimidated by the height thing.

i just sent u a PM too!

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

oh lord... I actually had two six-month relationships with "no spark guys." Baaaaaaaaad idea. I kept thinking, in both instances, "but he's so great, how can I not like him?" I think we can be distrustful of sexual attraction because it so often leads us into situations that we ought to know better than to get involved with, or to stay involved with, but what I learned the hard way is that it HAS to be there. In one of my cases, I thought it would grow--it didn't. And in the other, it did appear, only to evaporate a month later in the face of huge turn-offs b/c of the guy's personality (kind, smart, but incredibly babyish and sulky and immature). Which leads me to believe that the temporary attraction was only the result of coming off a bad dry spell.

I HAVE heard, though, that people often discover an attraction to someone on the second date when they had been rather underwhelmed on the first. Hasn't happened to me, but it makes sense that it easily could. But since you say you know yourself and you don't typically feel that way--why prolong the guilt? You are 99% guaranteed still not to be attracted to him after date #2, and you will probably feel even guiltier than you do now. So I think you should feel totally free not to go out again.

splash · Kenneth Cole

I've always felt an instant attraction to guys I've dated. That said, I'm going to be hypocritical and say I think you should go on another date with him just in case. I think Blubird's stories are perfect examples of why. And if after that date you still don't feel it, tell him at the end or the next day - honestly say how great you think he is, but that somehow you just don't feel like you're right as a couple. Hopefully, you'll end up with a wonderful friend (and you never know when friends will start to look more attractive than usual).

I'm so picky about height! I'm about 6' in heels, and no way am I giving those up! Anyway, a guy has to be tall (and muscular) enough to envelop me in his arms, and really, for that I need someone right around 6'3". It's even harder because much taller than that feels too tall...

honey · Gucci

i'm a height bigot, and have no problems admitting it. the thing with chemistry is you can't create it, it's either there or it isn't. not feeling someone doesn't make you a bad especially if you feel guilty about it. that's proof that you're a good person, if you were "bad" you probably wouldn't care. anyway if you want you can go on a second date, but honestly i don't think that's going to change anything. i think you should just be considerate of his feelings and let him down gently. if anything you can use the age old "it's not you, it's me" and insert some bs excuse.

poptart · Coach

I know I'm in on this kinda late, but is there an update? What's going on? I know that in reality the 'no chemistry' guys are always a no, but in practice I always convince myself to give them another chance, and then another, and the next thing you know I've been seeing a guy for two weeks and he's become so awful to me that I can't look him in the eye for fear he will see into my mean, snobby soul and see that I don't find him attractive. Oh, wait, this was supposed to be about you, wasn't it?

So in summary, I would say stay away, but I'm dying to hear what's happening now.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

he called last night, around 9:30pm and i'd just gotten home from work (grrr...had to miss salsa dancing w/ crystal and lilykind

) and i was like i'm so sorry work's been crazy, can i give you a call tomorrow, i'm just about to go to bed and he was like sure and i was like ok bye. total lie of course, i spent the next hour talking to my friends about how you know you don't like a guy when talking to him seems like a chore and you'd rather watch win a date w/ tad hamilton for the 50th time on cable. sigh. i dunno you guys. i honestly don't have a lot of free time so i'm thinking of just using the 'too busy' excuse. ugh....this is the disadvantage of set-ups, if he was just a random guy, i'd probably just not call him and he'd get the hint from that but because he is a set up i have to give him some speech about why i'm not going to go out w/ him again. i'm calling my friend that knows him and getting her advice on the situation so we'll see...sigh.

crystal · Kate Spade

aw, esquiress, we missed u last night... it was so fun, read about it in the general section (so i don't hijack ur thread). as for the phone call thing, i totally agree!! my no-chem guy always tells me "call me later" after our dates & sometimes i do but this week i didn't. i was planning on calling him, i consider it such a chore that i just didn't get around to it so he finally called me last night. he asked where i'd been all week & i told him i was doing hw (which is totally true) & he's like "ya sure, i think ur avoiding me". i totally hate when guys do this cuz (a) it shows no confidence & (b) they are usually right, but since they call u on it u can't admit to it so u gotta act like there is no way u would ever do that! ugh, what a pain, so now i'm gonna see him again on friday... maybe we should have a double no-chemistry date??? we'll all go salsa dancing & trade our guys in for some hot tall ones!!

NCshopper · Hermes

I'm kind of on the fence regarding whether or not you should give him another chance. I think the first bad sign is that the first time you met him, you didn't even remember him. I think back to the people that I dated and the ones that were special I distinctly remember meeting--when your eyes meet and you just have a feeling. It's a gut reaction and I think gut reactions are usually pretty right on. If you don't have a whole lot of free time, then don't waste it with someone who doesn't do it for you.

killa · Dooney & Bourke

I dated one person many years ago ... for three years (and we lived together). I was not attracted to him when we first met. He grew on me. But then, toward the end, I wasn't attracted to him again. So...

Anyway, instead of making excuses and feeling guilty about it, just say, you're a great person, but I just don't think now is the right time for us to be dating. Or something. Something that is closer to the truth will make you feel empowered and better about just telling it like it is. No guilt. He can't be made at you for being honest.

OR... go on another date with him. That way, you gave it one more shot, it didn't work (or did!) and you can hang it up.

Hey -- at least you have someone interested in you! That's gotta be good. But at the same time, I know what you mean and how it feels when you have to let someone down.

Good luck!