STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

blubirde · Chanel

you, me, five bucks, and good conversation...

Andrea Julia · Coach

Yuck! Clearly these guys are complete IDIOTS! J was just scary and sounds like he is just a few dates away from becoming a full-blown rapist. Stay AWAY! I don't think it is anything that you are doing (except picking the wrong guys, but there is no way to know that ahead of time). You are obviously smart enough to not compromise your ideals and be with this kind of guy. Just keep meeting people and going on dates. They are not all like this.

The problem you are talking about is something I have been struggled with all of my dating life. I don't know what it is, but I am always coming across guys who just want to have sex with me. I don't consider myself to be a very "sexy" person, I mean maybe in a subtle way, but I am not out there dressing like Paris Hilton or anything. I don't come on to guys. I am actually very shy when just meeting a guy. I don't have a reputation for sleeping with guys quickly. However, I am constantly being asked to be a f*** friend or told that he just isn't into a relationship right now (same crap to me, the latter just seems like a colloquialism to me). I just don't get why guys seem to connect me with "f*** friend". I am really one of the most conservative people I know. However, I always feel like it is something about me because the guys I am talking about will have girlfriends before and after me. I haven't even slept with (or came close to sleeping with) someone in over 2 years because of this. I have sometimes considered just giving in and having a f*** friend just out of boredom, but in the end, I always choose to wait for something better.

-- Edited by Andrea Julia at 16:14, 2005-07-10

laken1 · Hermes

I hate to say this, but i swear I think guys always try the "f**kfriend" approach when they don't really have any other moves. They think they may as well try this first rather than waste their time dating you. I hate that. I swear, I know it's not right, but really I'd rather know that is what his state of mind is rather than him taking me on the X# of prerequiste dates, me sleeping with him, then finding out that is all he is after anyway. Don't get me wrong, this guy is a TOTAL jerk & no is no & he should have his testicles removed for not listening, but at least you know where he stands.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you - I promise you will meet someone that will not be like this & will be totally confused (ie, me & my husband, I couldn't understand that he didn't just want sex). And sorry, but blubirde, & andrea julia, I can tell you both are sexy & of course the stupid horny boys want to hook up with you!!!!!! DUH, neither of you can be so blind that you can't see that they would want to. I respect you for taking a stand & not doing that, and a decent, worthy guy will respect you for it as well. Even if he tries at first (not this guy, mind you, he is a tool) but other guys , and you won't do it- they will maybe look further than that & consider you as the "other kind of girl" ie: the kind you form a lasting bond with!!!

I also hate to say this, but sometimes I think girls perpetuate this behavior in guys. NO - NOT YOU BLUBIRDE (or you Andrea Julia), but I think guys nowadays are so used to trashy girls dropping their "Paris Hilton" slutty panties that they assume all girls are like that. They aren't used to "decent" girls so they expect sex first - SO WRONG & TWISTED BUT TRUE!!! I once had a guy friend tell me that girls were so aggressive with him that he was embarrased a lot of times because he didn't want to get physical that quick, but girls always assumed he did & threw it at him - oh poor poor thing, but you get my drift.

Stick with your guns & hold out - my favorite girl mantra is "treat them like shit & don't give them any - they will follow you around like a dog" - I mean think about it - the guys you don't like & are mean to just won't go away will they..........

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Sorry about the bad dates. For what it's worth, it's them, not you. But you already know that. And Bluebirde, I'm really sorry about the guy who keeps canceling on you. Hate that!

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

I often have the same problems Blubirde! I went out with some friends Saturday night and one of them kept trying to hit on me. And like you, for some reason, it was really late, and he wanted me to stay over, and I can't say why, but I did. Anyway, ended up spending my evening evading A.

Guys, for some reason, tend to see me as a "naughty" girl, or as very sexual. I'm not a prude by any means, and I admire a sexy boy toy, but I've always thought of myself as a "good" girl, and I like to have a connection with the person. But noooo, boys just want to jump straight into bed.

Basically, I have started to give up hope on the meaningful relationship. My best, best friend is my ex, and I think that's as close as I'm going to get to a true meaningful relationship with a guy. But hey, if any of you want a great guy who won't push of s-e-x right away, my best friend is the guy for you!

blubirde · Chanel

I know!!! I'm not a prude by any means but sex isn't EVERYTHING, ya know? I don't know why it has to be about only that all the time. It's fine if it's a part of something else (something more perhaps) but if I wanted a f*** buddy, why in the world would I choose some random guy at a bar to be it? I'd choose someone I already knew most likely.

I actually got really upset yesterday when I was telling a friend what happened with J on Saturday night. I think it was probably more significant than I gave it credit for. I don't understand why a guy can't get it when a girl says no. That's all there is to it. Losers. Anyway, I think I'm off guys for awhile. I'll take a breather and let the emotional roller coaster chill for a bit.

And I don't actually think all boys suck, just the bad ones. Unfortunately some of them fool me. I'm usually a good judge of character but I suppose everyone can be blinded every now and then.

I'll just go about my business and wait for Christian Bale to come find me. I know he's looking for me!!

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

ok, the below is just my reaction from reading this post and your previous posts so my inferences and conclusions could be completely wrong but for what it's worth, here goes:

blubirde wrote:

B - First guy in a good, long while that I actually like. He conveniently cancels 2 dates without remorse so he's out. Bleh.

From the other stuff I remember about B, it sounds like he's got a whole lot of baggage, and it could've been a total mess if you'd actually gotten seriously involved and his baggage became your baggage. So this whole thing could be a total blessing in disguise. No worries, sweets--just think of B as B for the bullet you dodged.

J - Meet J on "date cancellation rebound" last weekend. He was a friend of a good friend, so I figure he's okay. We hang out last night (he's called a bunch between then and last night and asked me out, etc.).We're at my place watching a movie and he puts the moves on BIG TIME.

How did he end up at your place? Did you invite him up after he took you out? Be careful w/ that--if it was your first date, and you invited him up he could've been expecting something he shouldn't have been because he misread the "did you wanna come in" signal. But no still means no and he is a complete and utter a**hole for not respecting you, besides even if you did make out a little (not sure if you did or not), that certainly doesn't mean he's entitled to more and he is such a neanderthal for getting all agressive w/ you.

Oh and if it wasn't an 'after a date' situation and he was just at your place because you invited him to watch a movie, watch out for that too--among all my friends (guys and girls), having someone over or going over to "watch a movie" is usually code of making out. Once I remember having my best friend/roomate to stay the entire time because I did invite a guy over (elevator guy actually, long befor the whole not paying for my sandwich fiasco) to watch a movie and I barely knew him and I really didn't want him thinking we were going to automatically make out because I'd invited him over. So my best friend had to play chaperone, but whatever, it let us have a normal conversation and then after the movie, he knew to leave.

But anyway, just be careful about inviting someone to your apt. that you don't know very well or don't want to get the wrong idea (or if you do want him to get that idea, by all means, go ahead, this is all just in case you don't.)

I tell him I have no intention of sleeping with him because I hardly know him (not that I'm weird about those things - I just figured I'd try something new ). It gets really, really late and he asks if he can stay the night. I want to say no but it is really late and for some (inexplicable) reason I feel bad asking him to leave.

Blu, don't ever feel bad or guilty about asking a guy to leave, it's your space, he should respect that. In this case it sounds like your instincts told you to tell him to get out long before you actually did, and it sounds like your instincts were right on target about this guy.

I say okay, as long as he's clear on what I said earlier. We start talking. He asks if I've ever hooked up with someone I just met. I say of course. (Who hasn't?) He asks if I've ever had a "f**k buddy" (his words). I say yes. He asks if I want one now. I say no.

Hmm, I kind of don't understand why you're answering all of his questions? You just told him you hardly know him, then he proceeds to ask a whole bunch of personal questions about your sex life--what a jerk! He's sooo not entitled to that information. I would've just said "we hardly know each other and i don't share that info w/ people i hardly know"

He says that's all he's up for.

What a pompous a**--like we're just dying to be this idiot's girlfriend.

I say that's okay but I'm not the person he's looking for, if that's the case.

Good answer! and soo more polite than he deserves.

He asks what I am looking for and I say I don't know (because I don't) but I know what it's not (the f buddy). He then attempts to make more moves. I tell him I'm still not okay with that. He tries again. And seriously, girls, it's the closest I've ever come to feeling that things might get out of hand. So I tell him to leave, that he's making me uncomfortable. He does but not without a little pouting. What a jerk, right? He's waaay out.

Total jerk! Where the heck did he get the idea to act like that w/ you? I know this is me being way paranoid but you might want to tell yours and his mutual friends what happened and then ask if they ever gave him the wrong idea about you. Not accusing or anything, but I am worried about how he came to his completely wrong conclusion about you and I'd want to make sure it wasn't from them.

Anyway, I'm just ranting and complaining. Why do I only meet guys who are interested in sex only? I mean I like sex as much as the next person but sometimes a little something more is nice. A connection, a good conversation, something. I don't want to know how good a person is in bed (although I will eventually). I want to know whether there's anything worth getting to know. I think boys today are just looking for hookups and nothing else.

Hmm...I think boys today certainly won't turn it down since it's become so easily available and sometimes I've even been known to bemoan girls who give it up too easy as making it way difficult for the rest of us to get those assumptions out of boys' heads but basically I think boys, today, just like girls, just want the real deal. It's probably difficult on both sides of the fence (in fact I'm just about to start a thread on how it must be hard to be a guy...)

I'm not looking for a hookup.

Me neither, but sometimes it sure is tempting.

Everything's so annoying right now. Does anyone else ever go through times like these?

Yeah, I've definitely been annoyed at the whole dating game--don't know any single person that hasn't. Oh, well. Think of all the awesome parts about it though--the anticipation of that first kiss, that awesome connection, that invincible feeling once you've fallen in love and had it reciprocated--we have a lot to look forward to, it's just too bad there's so much bullsh*t to wade through in the meantime.

Don't worry blu, we'll get there and in the meantime venting is a good way to keep sane so feel free--we're here for you anytime!

blubirde · Chanel

esquiress wrote:

ok, the below is just my reaction from reading this post and your previous posts so my inferences and conclusions could be completely wrong but for what it's worth, here goes: blubirde wrote: B - First guy in a good, long while that I actually like. He conveniently cancels 2 dates without remorse so he's out. Bleh. From the other stuff I remember about B, it sounds like he's got a whole lot of baggage, and it could've been a total mess if you'd actually gotten seriously involved and his baggage became your baggage. So this whole thing could be a total blessing in disguise. No worries, sweets--just think of B as B for the bullet you dodged. J - Meet J on "date cancellation rebound" last weekend. He was a friend of a good friend, so I figure he's okay. We hang out last night (he's called a bunch between then and last night and asked me out, etc.).We're at my place watching a movie and he puts the moves on BIG TIME. How did he end up at your place? Did you invite him up after he took you out? Be careful w/ that--if it was your first date, and you invited him up he could've been expecting something he shouldn't have been because he misread the "did you wanna come in" signal. But no still means no and he is a complete and utter a**hole for not respecting you, besides even if you did make out a little (not sure if you did or not), that certainly doesn't mean he's entitled to more and he is such a neanderthal for getting all agressive w/ you. Oh and if it wasn't an 'after a date' situation and he was just at your place because you invited him to watch a movie, watch out for that too--among all my friends (guys and girls), having someone over or going over to "watch a movie" is usually code of making out. Once I remember having my best friend/roomate to stay the entire time because I did invite a guy over (elevator guy actually, long befor the whole not paying for my sandwich fiasco) to watch a movie and I barely knew him and I really didn't want him thinking we were going to automatically make out because I'd invited him over. So my best friend had to play chaperone, but whatever, it let us have a normal conversation and then after the movie, he knew to leave. But anyway, just be careful about inviting someone to your apt. that you don't know very well or don't want to get the wrong idea (or if you do want him to get that idea, by all means, go ahead, this is all just in case you don't.) I tell him I have no intention of sleeping with him because I hardly know him (not that I'm weird about those things - I just figured I'd try something new ). It gets really, really late and he asks if he can stay the night. I want to say no but it is really late and for some (inexplicable) reason I feel bad asking him to leave. Blu, don't ever feel bad or guilty about asking a guy to leave, it's your space, he should respect that. In this case it sounds like your instincts told you to tell him to get out long before you actually did, and it sounds like your instincts were right on target about this guy. I say okay, as long as he's clear on what I said earlier. We start talking. He asks if I've ever hooked up with someone I just met. I say of course. (Who hasn't?) He asks if I've ever had a "f**k buddy" (his words). I say yes. He asks if I want one now. I say no. Hmm, I kind of don't understand why you're answering all of his questions? You just told him you hardly know him, then he proceeds to ask a whole bunch of personal questions about your sex life--what a jerk! He's sooo not entitled to that information. I would've just said "we hardly know each other and i don't share that info w/ people i hardly know" He says that's all he's up for. What a pompous a**--like we're just dying to be this idiot's girlfriend. I say that's okay but I'm not the person he's looking for, if that's the case. Good answer! and soo more polite than he deserves. He asks what I am looking for and I say I don't know (because I don't) but I know what it's not (the f buddy). He then attempts to make more moves. I tell him I'm still not okay with that. He tries again. And seriously, girls, it's the closest I've ever come to feeling that things might get out of hand. So I tell him to leave, that he's making me uncomfortable. He does but not without a little pouting. What a jerk, right? He's waaay out. Total jerk! Where the heck did he get the idea to act like that w/ you? I know this is me being way paranoid but you might want to tell yours and his mutual friends what happened and then ask if they ever gave him the wrong idea about you. Not accusing or anything, but I am worried about how he came to his completely wrong conclusion about you and I'd want to make sure it wasn't from them. Anyway, I'm just ranting and complaining. Why do I only meet guys who are interested in sex only? I mean I like sex as much as the next person but sometimes a little something more is nice. A connection, a good conversation, something. I don't want to know how good a person is in bed (although I will eventually). I want to know whether there's anything worth getting to know. I think boys today are just looking for hookups and nothing else. Hmm...I think boys today certainly won't turn it down since it's become so easily available and sometimes I've even been known to bemoan girls who give it up too easy as making it way difficult for the rest of us to get those assumptions out of boys' heads but basically I think boys, today, just like girls, just want the real deal. It's probably difficult on both sides of the fence (in fact I'm just about to start a thread on how it must be hard to be a guy...) I'm not looking for a hookup. Me neither, but sometimes it sure is tempting. Everything's so annoying right now. Does anyone else ever go through times like these? Yeah, I've definitely been annoyed at the whole dating game--don't know any single person that hasn't. Oh, well. Think of all the awesome parts about it though--the anticipation of that first kiss, that awesome connection, that invincible feeling once you've fallen in love and had it reciprocated--we have a lot to look forward to, it's just too bad there's so much bullsh*t to wade through in the meantime. Don't worry blu, we'll get there and in the meantime venting is a good way to keep sane so feel free--we're here for you anytime!

Esquiress, too bad you don't live in ATX! You give AWESOME feedback and advice. As for the mutual friends thing, we have one and I really wanted to tell him what happened but to be honest, I'm too embarassed to say I invited J over in the first place. I KNEW instinctually what he was looking for (sometimes you can just tell) but I somehow convinced myself that he was actually interested and we could instead just chit-chat and have a good time and maybe a little making out - I was definitely okay with that, just not more. I'm not naive enough to say everything that happened was his fault because I could have avoided a lot of crap if I'd just listened to my brain and had the nerve to say what I was really thinking.

Did I mention he brought a little bag in with him when he came? It looked like a little lunch bag. I didn't know what it was at first. He's diabetic so I thought maybe it was some fruit he carried around with him or some medicine, or a man purse or whatever. Turns out it was his little overnight bag! As if! Even if that was a possibility, the fact that he planned on it would have undone it. I don't like presumptious pricks, as a general rule.

But it's all okay. B was probably a blessing in disguise and J was a lesson learned to be more careful. I'm just going to chill a bit and look forward to my weekend trips to New Orleans and Cali. And I'm going with two seperate guy friends who actually are nice guys and care about me. They might even restore some of my lost faith in men. Hopefully!

Thanks for everyone's advice and words of comfort - it helps a lot.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

was this the musician guy? damn he sounded promising for about 19 seconds before turning out to be an asshole...

blubirde · Chanel

sephorablue wrote:

was this the musician guy? damn he sounded promising for about 19 seconds before turning out to be an asshole...

Yep. Ass-hole. The more I think about it the more upset I get. Stupid jerk. I can't decide if I'm madder that it happened at all or that I didn't tell him how much of a jerk he was. Ah well. I should know to be wary of musicians anyway! They're just so hot though!!