STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

janey831 · Kate Spade

how do you feel about timing?

Andrea Julia · Coach

I'm not stating this as fact or anything, but I feel like if you are in love, bad timing doesn't exist. You just want to be with that person so bad that you will do whatever you can to overcome or accept the factors that are making it bad timing. So many people fall in love at ridiculously inappropriate times. I know or have heard of people who fell in love when pregnant with someone else's child, or right before they are moving to another country, or when one of them has gotten out of the worst relationship ever. I think if a couple is truly in love, there is nothing that can be going on in their life to keep them apart.

This may be an overly romanticized notion though.

beachgirl · Kenneth Cole

Andrea Julia wrote:

I'm not stating this as fact or anything, but I feel like if you are in love, bad timing doesn't exist. You just want to be with that person so bad that you will do whatever you can to overcome or accept the factors that are making it bad timing. So many people fall in love at ridiculously inappropriate times. I know or have heard of people who fell in love when pregnant with someone else's child, or right before they are moving to another country, or when one of them has gotten out of the worst relationship ever. I think if a couple is truly in love, there is nothing that can be going on in their life to keep them apart. This may be an overly romanticized notion though.

I feel the same way. I have known people who have had the worst timing (moving for school, just got out of a relationship, etc.), but they were willing to sacrifice and make it work. It was worth it to them to be together.

honey · Gucci

i kind of agree with aj, but i have a different perspective. imo the things that aj mentioned don't really have to do with timing, they're more like extenuating circumstances that can be overcome by "love."

however i do think as far as emotional maturity is concerned, timing does make a difference. if a relationship is going to work both people have to be at the same emotional point. to use myself as an example, as much as i would like a boyfriend, i also know that i'm not really looking for a hardcore serious let's get married relationship. it's interesting b/c i had this discussion with a co-worker and we both were like we're ready to date the guy we'll date b/f we meet the guy we're going to marry -- kind of like marriage training wheels. the thing is i *know* that even if i met the man of my dreams tomorrow, i'm so not ready to get married or even live with him. and if he was at that point it probably wouldn't work out since our emotional timing was off. but then again maybe our "love" would overcome it. hmmm...maybe he'll fall out of the sky so i can test this theory.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

i often think timing is everything. however a friend of mine is a firm believer in "if you really like each other, you'll make it work." we're probably both right. as for whether timing can be used as a cop-out reason or not, i guess anything could, couldn't it? which begs the question what exactly is being copped out of? giving the "real" reason for the break up? usually there's more than one reason, no? and it's all a matter of perception anyway, right? but then again, what does it really matter what the reason was? if the bottom line is you're not together, maybe "it just didn't work out" is as good a reason as any.

Andrea Julia · Coach

honey wrote:

i kind of agree with aj, but i have a different perspective. imo the things that aj mentioned don't really have to do with timing, they're more like extenuating circumstances that can be overcome by "love." however i do think as far as emotional maturity is concerned, timing does make a difference. if a relationship is going to work both people have to be at the same emotional point. to use myself as an example, as much as i would like a boyfriend, i also know that i'm not really looking for a hardcore serious let's get married relationship. it's interesting b/c i had this discussion with a co-worker and we both were like we're ready to date the guy we'll date b/f we meet the guy we're going to marry -- kind of like marriage training wheels. the thing is i *know* that even if i met the man of my dreams tomorrow, i'm so not ready to get married or even live with him. and if he was at that point it probably wouldn't work out since our emotional timing was off. but then again maybe our "love" would overcome it. hmmm...maybe he'll fall out of the sky so i can test this theory.

Honey, I do see what you are saying, but so many people I've known, especially while in college, said they didn't want to settle down, and then out of nowhere, they met someone and immediately settled down. I'm talking about people that were hooking up with a different girl/guy every night and had zero desire to be in a relationship. Then, one person comes along and they do a total 180 and are the most committed person ever.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

Honey, I've always had the same thought as you re: the timing/maturity issue. I could never have gotten serious about anyone before now, no matter how perfect he was for me--I just wasn't ready. I guess all the things sort of blend together--age, maturity, timing. I think it's definitely true that as we get older we become more willing to put effort into relationships, because we've had enough other ones to realize what we want and how valuable it is when we get something really good. Some of us, that is--some people seem to have preternatural maturity and maintain the same partners all through high school and college and beyond without having to experiment first!

Although I think timing is undeniably relevant in a situation where you're on the verge of a relationship, as opposed to in one where circumstances have shifted. It's hard to know before you are actually with someone whether they will be worth the effort you'd have to make, say, in a distance situation. Of course that's no reason not to try, but I think a lot of people would feel, myself included probably, that the strain of distance would be too tough on a brand new relationship that had no history and shared love and experience to support it. Even getting to know your partner at all would be tough in that situation. So I think that is one, among others, where the timing issue definitely applies.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

PS--

AJ I definitely agree with you re: people who don't want relationships and then suddenly find themselves happily in them. But what I think Honey is saying, at least what I was saying anyway, is that wanting or not wanting a relationship and actually being ready to have a deep, intimate relationship are different. So someone could genuinely feel they don't want a relationship, but when the right person lands in their lap, it turns out they have been ready all along. Whereas I definitely feel that in my teens and early 20's, I was still too focused on myself and where I was going to be able to share myself with and support another person. I wanted relationships and I had them, but they were, while monogamous and genuinely caring, not at all profound. And I think if I'd met a potential "Mr. Right" when I was 22, I would have felt smothered and overwhelmed and found some reason to end it. Now I am steadier.

blubirde · Chanel

I've never been a "bad timing" type person. I, personally, can't stand missed opportunities so if I was in a situation where timing was an issue, I think I'd do everything I could to try and make it work. That said, I've never even come close to a situation like that. So I'm not sure. I've seen it from afar though.

I have a guy friend who just broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years. I introduced him to a girl friend of mine (completely randomly, not a set up). The new girl was moving away in a couple weeks so I figured no harm could come of it. Now they are "together" but scream about bad timing. It looks like they're trying to make it work, even though they both admit the timing sucks. I see a trainwreck in the future, but that's just me. In their case, I think timing is a HUGE issue.

So I don't think it would be a good excuse for me because I couldn't stand the thought of missing something great for some stupid reason. BUT I know it's an issue for some people because I can see it with my own two eyes.

My answer is: beats me!

Andrea Julia · Coach

blubirde wrote:

I've never been a "bad timing" type person. I, personally, can't stand missed opportunities so if I was in a situation where timing was an issue, I think I'd do everything I could to try and make it work.

That's exactly how I feel.

honey · Gucci

sephorablue wrote:

But what I think Honey is saying, at least what I was saying anyway, is that wanting or not wanting a relationship and actually being ready to have a deep, intimate relationship are different. So someone could genuinely feel they don't want a relationship, but when the right person lands in their lap, it turns out they have been ready all along.

yup, that's pretty much what i'm saying. aj, i definitely know people who claimed that they didn't want a relationship and ended up being in one, and people who went from steadily hooking up with randoms to falling in love with the one, but those things (lack of want/random hook-ups) aren't necessarily indicative of not being emotionally ready for a relationship (that kind of sounds like an oxymoron).

also i would never use "timing" as an excuse for not pursuing a relationship, it can definitely explain why seemingly good relationships fizzle out.

blink · Coach

I usually think that real love disregards time. I think most of the time, "bad timing" is just disguised lack of strong affection.

However, I think that timing is kind of like the question of fate. I have changed a lot over the last ten years and sometimes I look back at one or two nice and attractive guys that I broke off a relationship with because I didn't feel strongly for them AT THE TIME...I think that if I had never married, and if I met those same people again TODAY, I could really love them now for reasons I wasn't looking for in a man in my teens and early 20's.

So even though I don't really believe in fate, I do think that I had "bad timing" with those former boyfriends because I obviously didn't stay with them or appreciate what I had at the time. There are times when I wonder why I broke it off with so-and-so and really wonder what I was thinking back then. I also know that if I had met my husband when we were younger, it very likely wouldn't have worked out at all. People can change so much in their 20's (I know I sound silly!).

janey831 · Kate Spade

great comments ladies, i agree with lorelei and with those that think that love can overcome obstacles. However, I do think maturity and what you want out of life at that moment might not be what you want neccessarily 10 years from now. do you guys think timing/maturity is more of an issue for women or men?

splash · Kenneth Cole

My opinion is somewhere in the middle... People can overcome a lot of obstacles if they try hard enough, but sometimes obstacles seem like just too much, or the relationship hasn't developed to the point that they know the sacrifice would be worth it.

Women and men? I dunno... From what I've seen, women are more flexible and dedicated to relationships, but I think it's personality and feelings about the other person that matter, not gender

laken1 · Hermes

I don't know about bad timing in the literal sense, like "i'm in college or moving so it's a bad time" but think it's an emotional timing issue. I firmly believe in the Sex In the City theory about men being like taxi cabs, when their light is on, they take the next person that comes along. Maybe not literally, but close. Like the next person they date that fits their appropriate marriage material will be the wife.

I dated a guy forever & thought he was "the one" - well, we had issues & broke up & he was married within 4 months. Then we dated again (after we both divorced, maybe this is bad examples!!) and I thought COOL - he really is the one!!! But he wasn't ready after 2 years to commit again so I moved on to my now DH - I think my light was on but his wasn't.

Having re-read that, it sounds so horrible & non romantic, but I do think that everything happens for a reason & the one I thought was the one wasn't & that is why it didn't work out - oh hell, what do I know????? I'm babbling on & sound like an idiot, but that's what i think. And I will add that I love my DH dearly & think he is my soul mate, but I'm awfully glad his light was on too!!!

Edit: just read Lorelie's response & I have to agree - I have passed on people when I was dating completely stupid people & let good guys go. I think that is why I snatched my husband now up - I have matured to a point that I know good guys like him don't come around all the time. Star Jones said it best "I don't deserve him, but neither do any of you bitches, so I may as well take him"

-- Edited by laken1 at 17:45, 2005-07-07

janey831 · Kate Spade

laken1 wrote:

I don't know about bad timing in the literal sense, like "i'm in college or moving so it's a bad time" but think it's an emotional timing issue. I firmly believe in the Sex In the City theory about men being like taxi cabs, when their light is on, they take the next person that comes along. Maybe not literally, but close. Like the next person they date that fits their appropriate marriage material will be the wife.

yes, this is what I think too.