STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

ILoveChoo · Hermes

how do you know when to move on?

Luv2Shop · Kate Spade

I think you answered your own question. If you are posting about how you are not sure if you should stay with him and not how much you love him and how great he is, maybe it's time to leave. Dont' get me wrong, I know it's not happy go lucky love all the time, but if you are feeling this way more then the happy go lucky way, there is someone else out there that will give you that feeling.
I was with this guy for 3 year and we lived together for 2. I thought we were going to get married, it was the next step, instead, I stepped out and moved back home with the P's. It took every ounce of courage I had. I was 23 and could have been very settled and lived the rest of my life that way. But I just started noticing how blah our life was toghether and how I was upset most of the time. So at 23 instead of getting married, I started over.
6 months later I met the man of my dreams and 6 months after that we got married. I am so in love and so happy and things are just so different. I never knew I could be this happy. I know now how right my feelings about leaving were and I am so glad I listened to my heart.
It sounds like you were young when you started dating so as much as you loved him then, I'm sure you both have matured and changed so much. Maybe you just grew apart. But, I assure you, you can be as happy as I am, you just have to have the courage to go find it.
Good luck and keep me posted on whatever you do. If you ever need to talk you can pm me, I know it's hard!!! Hang in there.

Bastet · Kate Spade

The biggest sign that prompted me to leave an ex bf one was when he went to another state to visit his family for a week and I found myself in an incredibly good mood. I could't put my finger on it, I didn't know that I was acting significantly different. My roomie noticed it, and when I thought about it, I realized it was because I was actively happy that he wasn't there. It was all subconscious, I wasn't thinking to myself "thank God bf isn't here!" There wasn't anything specfic about him per se, but I was happier without him around. If you find yourself elated when he's not around, that could be a sign.

I don't know you IRL, so I don't know if this applies to you, but I'll post it anyway. If you feel like you are marrying him because it's already been set in stone, or that your family will be disappointed in you, and not because you really truly want to, seriously reconsider your wedding plans. (This isn't meant to be offensive, so I hope it's not )

-- Edited by Bastet at 17:24, 2005-06-01

splash · Kenneth Cole

Yeah, it sounds like you need at least some time away from him to think... It seems like you should be sure..

A friend of mine dated a guy for several years, figuring she would marry him. Then she started to realize that she was much happier spending time with a friend, to whom she got engaged 9 months later... The point of my saying that is, I think it's pretty obvious if a relationship is "right," and if it's not obvious, it's pretty likely "wrong." And when you're 16 and for a while after that, you're changing so much - it's takes a lot of luck, I would think, to find the right person to spend your life with then.

Metric · Gucci

Girl, I totally feel for you. I am going through similar situation. My bf and I have a good relationship but I feel so much more like we are best friends than anything. I guess I just miss that sparkle that happens in the beginning of our relationship when you can't wait to see each other and smooch and all that. Nothing about our relationship is bad, just a little on the dull side. I know he loves me and I totally love him but we just are stuck in a rut and it sucks. But I see all the issues and problems and heartache my single friends go through and I fell like am so over that phase in my life.

So do you give up after X number of years because of dullness? Is being togeather better or worse than being alone? Would a relationship with "The One" still have that initial excitement after 5, 10, 20 years? Is the devil you know better than the devil you don't?

shoppinggal · Nine West

i think the moment i knew was when he asked me, over the phone mind you, if we should get married. i was with him for about 4.5 years, and had been waiting for him to pop the question, but when he finally came out with it, i felt nothing. there wasn't the excitment, the high, the joy ... he could well be asking if we should watch a movie.

of cos there were warning signs before then - the listlessness when i was with him or his family; indifference abt him and the relationship; avoiding physical intimacy; doing things a lot more by myself and with my friends. still, giving up such a long relationship wasn't easy. i questioned whether it was just a normal rut or if i should really give it up. i was also apprehensive abt going out to date again, and not being able to find anyone, but the prospect of spending the rest of my life with a guy i've little spark with is just suffocating to me.

i think BrazenCanadian asked a very good question - would the spark still be there after 5, 10, 20 years?

Mandy · Kate Spade

at least you aren't married yet...

I just posted about a month ago about my doubts in my marriage under the topic "am i crazy" and I have actually just left my husband for similar reasons. We dated on and off from high school through college and then got married too young (22). I'm now 25 and realized that I think I made a mistake. I don't think he is the one I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. There wasn't anything specific that I could put my finger on, I just wasn't that happy with him. All the excitement, romance, and intimacy was gone. I felt like he was more my roommate. The hardest part is telling people why because I don't have a great reason, but the people that really care about me don't need a reason. I moved out two weeks ago, so this is all still new to me. We are doing a trial separation and then will revaluate in a few months. I don't think we will end up staying together.

Sorry this is a little more serious than some of the other responses, but take this as what can happen if you get caught up in the excitement of being married and don't really think about if you are ready or if they are really the one for you. I don't know your situation, but I know that you should be sure thats what you want before you get married. Divorce is scary.

blink · Coach

Maybe this sounds to simple, and I haven't experienced this feeling, but if you are seriously asking yourself, I would think that it may be time to move on. I say this because in my marriage, I have never ever had that feeling of doubt (ok, except during heavy emotions like after a big fight, that doesn't count).

Elle · Hermes

I have to be the lone voice of dissent here. I have been with my FH for almost 9 years, and he's also the only person I've ever dated seriously. I went through the same "Is this it?" stuff awhile ago and came out of it basically with this: The grass is always greener. Are you going to be all over someone after you've been with them for 3, 4, 10 years? No, and that's okay. You aren't loosing the 'spark', it is simply maturing into a deeper and steadier smolder. Actually, it is chemically impossible in the human brain for a love relationship to feel the same in the beginning as it does after many months/years.

Don't get me wrong, if you're celebrating and happy when he's gone for a day or two then maybe you shouldn't stay. But I think sometimes we get caught up in what we think love should be and end up questioning ourselves and our relationships when they don't measure up to the unrealistic, glorified standard.

FH and I no longer have the 'spark'. We trust each other unconditionally, will go to the ends of the earth for the other to be happy, and we get to face the world together everyday no matter what. I would take what we have now over that spark.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

I'm w/ lmonet--i too think the grass is always greener. i also think relationships are all about timing so it sucks when two otherwise compatible people are just at different points in their life.

i guess there's no magic answer but i think it's important to look inside and ask yourself if it's your entire life you find unsatisfying/boring or just him. too often, i've seen people use their SO's as an excuse for being unhappy and it's such a shame because then you're just using your SO as a scapegoat and pinning everything that's wrong in your life on that person.

but it's a very different story when your whole life is great and you're so happy w/ it and like a hundred times happier when you're not w/ him.

honestly, it's way too hard to generalize because every relationship is different, you know?

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

Lmonet, I love what you wrote--it is exactly what I believe about relationships, but I didn't feel comfortable saying it because I have not actually experienced it yet... but that is what I expect to feel when I have been with the right man for a few years!

One of my best friends is getting married next month to a guy she has been with for nearly six years. A couple years ago, my other girlfriends and I felt about their relationship, "well, it's great for her and all, but it seems pretty boring--I want something more exciting!" Then over the past couple of years I have done a 180 in terms of the way I think about it. I look at them now and I see the kind of relationship I want to have one day. They are best friends, they share everything, and they derive comfort and sustenance from spending time together, even though the time they spend together, more often than not, is mundane stuff like driving around running errands or slumping on the couch to watch the Broncos game. I know they don't have that spark of excitement that was there at the beginning, but they enjoy and depend on each other so much that I don't think they miss it.

I guess this is not so much an example of something that felt wrong as it is an example of something that feels right... I can see those two together, and happy in their relationship, for the rest of their lives.

ILoveChoo · Hermes

thanks girls. LMonet, I was hoping you's respond since I knew you were in a similar situation and I really think that was what I needed to hear.

I think part of the problem right now is that I work days and he works nights so I feel like I need to spend my whole weekend with him or else I'll never see him- and that makes me mad sometimes when I want to hang out with my friends and feel like I can't. But I don't think its so much that I don't want to be with him as I just feel like I can't do what I want when he's around. (not that he would ever tell me I can't go with the girls, but I feel bad doing it) And I think that makes me kind of resent him sometimes.

Hopefully he'll get a new job soon and things will work themselves out.

bex · Chanel

LMonet wrote:

I have to be the lone voice of dissent here. I have been with my FH for almost 9 years, and he's also the only person I've ever dated seriously. I went through the same "Is this it?" stuff awhile ago and came out of it basically with this: The grass is always greener. Are you going to be all over someone after you've been with them for 3, 4, 10 years? No, and that's okay. You aren't loosing the 'spark', it is simply maturing into a deeper and steadier smolder. Actually, it is chemically impossible in the human brain for a love relationship to feel the same in the beginning as it does after many months/years. Don't get me wrong, if you're celebrating and happy when he's gone for a day or two then maybe you shouldn't stay. But I think sometimes we get caught up in what we think love should be and end up questioning ourselves and our relationships when they don't measure up to the unrealistic, glorified standard. FH and I no longer have the 'spark'. We trust each other unconditionally, will go to the ends of the earth for the other to be happy, and we get to face the world together everyday no matter what. I would take what we have now over that spark.

you are not alone on your view LMonet. i have had this same conversation with my best friend just recently. we are taught from a young age that there is always something better out there- a better job, a better house, a better car, etc. so we often think "is there a better guy out there for me?" sometimes it is time to move on but sometimes you have just moved into a "comfort zone" where there really isn't a spark anymore, but you love each other dearly and value him as a confidante and friend.

hth!

Kel · Coach

I totally agree with LMonet, my mom recently asked me if I thought I was settling with my b/f and my response was similar to what LMonet wrote. I believe loving someone is not that I can't live with out you, mushy stuff, but it is to be each other's best friend, to support the other person and just be comfortable and relaxed with them. I know my relationship is not the most exciting but i know i can depend on my b/f and I know if i need him for any reason he will be there. I know that whatever is on my mind good or bad he will listen and give me the best advice. I also know that if i have a problem with him we dicuss it not get all pissed off at each other. I am never afaird to say what is on my mind. Love is not lovely dovey stuff it is the security and the reliable and the comfort you get from the other person.

Elle · Hermes

ILoveChoo wrote:

I think part of the problem right now is that I work days and he works nights so I feel like I need to spend my whole weekend with him or else I'll never see him- and that makes me mad sometimes when I want to hang out with my friends and feel like I can't. But I don't think its so much that I don't want to be with him as I just feel like I can't do what I want when he's around. (not that he would ever tell me I can't go with the girls, but I feel bad doing it) And I think that makes me kind of resent him sometimes. Hopefully he'll get a new job soon and things will work themselves out.

I know how you feel. FH and I can start to wear on each others nerves during extended periods of situational stress - he's been in school for the last two years, the first year of which consisted basically of school from 7am-10pm and a very stressed out FH. We never saw each other, to say the least. I think you just have to *try* to keep in mind that the stress is temporary and coming from an outside source - life sucks, not your relationship. It sounds like you're in 'Something has got to give' mode! I would talk to your SO about your feelings - not necessarily telling him you feel obligated to spend time with him but letting him know that you feel that all the stress you are both under is becoming overwhelming and you feel like it's affecting your relationship.

Do you remember that '90s commercial with the eggs - "This is your brain" (whole egg), "This is your brain on drugs" (frying egg)? It's kinda like that - this is your relationship on stress!

FWIW, now that FH and I are in the home stretch of our situational stress (he's done with school in 1 week), our relationship is alot . . . . easier. I am looking forward to experiencing our relationship in an environment (relatively) free of stress again, too. It's like rediscovering each other and the reasons you're together.

Also, do NOT feel bad about time with the girls! It's a huge stress reliever that makes you better able to deal with the daily grind as well making you a more sympathetic partner. Try not to be so hard on yourself

blubirde · Chanel

I agree with LMonet that the grass is always greener. It is. Without a doubt and without question. BUT sometimes our doubts are our inner voices telling us something we maybe aren't ready to hear but know to be the truth. I was with a boy for 5 years (18-23) and I was terribly afraid to end it with him. We did everything together (lived together, went to the grocery store together, slept together, etc.). But anytime he would talk about the future, I could never picture it. I could never imagine a wedding or a marriage or us together ten years down the road. I don't know why exactly except that maybe I either a) knew it would never happen or b) couldn't accept that he was it for me. And to be honest, I stayed with him longer than I should have because (mainly) I was afraid to be without him because so much of my adult life - to that point - was spent with him. I didn't know what to do without him.

So I'd say some signs he's not the one are (at least in my case):
~ you can't picture the future
~ you're afraid to be without him because he's so much a part of your life, not because you're afraid to lose his love
~ sex-o-meter (this one's obvious. there are highs and lows in anyone's sex life but when the spark is just gone, I think that says something.)

lynnie · Chanel

I sit firmly in the middle. I agree that the grass is greener, but that doesn't mean you should stay with him if you're not happy. Have you considered taking time off for yourself? It's not always about finding someone thats better- but sometimes about finding out more about yourself. Just out of curiousity- how old are you now? Some people are better at growing with someone else, some people need to do it on their own.

jacL · Coach

That is tough. I have been with my BF for six years (sixth anniversary is in three weeks!) since I was 17 and it was only just last spring when he had a "quarter-life crisis" and broke up with me because he didn't know if our realtionship was still going simply because we were comfortable. Immediately he regretted it, but I made him wait four months before getting back with him because I wanted him to be sure. In the meantime I dated A LOT (that's how I dealt with it and it was fun because I had never had hte chance to date around because who dates like a normal adult when they are only 15 and 16?) but I was so happy to be back with him. So maybe that's what you should do--tell him you need to break up (a full break, not one of those "we're on a break but still see each other a lot" things) for two months to see how you feel. Only thing is, if you want him back you may risk losing him if he decides he doesn't want to get back together, or he may not understand what you are feeling right now.

At the same time my BF broke up with me, my best friend broke up with her BF for the same reason and also immediately regretted it (it was a happy ending for them too).

I say this: if you can't see your future together as a loving couple, and not just because you are scared of the whole commitment thing, but because you really do not want to be with him forever, break it off as soon as you can. If you are unsure, do a lot of soul-searching and ask for a short break so you can sort out your feelings. I agree with Lynnie, that sometimes this is about finding out more about yourself than about finding someone better.

Too bad there are no easy answers. I hope you work this out.

Edit: Ok, so I just reread your post and you asked more for examples than advice. I can tell you when it is not time to move on--when you truly love the person and don't feel you can do better and can imagine growing old with him.

-- Edited by jacL at 22:41, 2005-06-05

shopgirl82 · Chanel

all the girls have given some amazing advice. i figured i would share some of my experiences, although very much the same as what a lot of girls said...

i agree with equiress. timing is very important. i met my bf when i was in a different state, in college and he was a business man past his college days (two years out of college). we were at two different points in our life. i think that's kinda how i know that we work out well. while i was in college, i'll be honest, i dated several guys. i figured (maybe this isn't right) but the more guys that i date, the more sure i'll be at the end of the day that he is the one. it's like shopping. the more places you shop for that perfect black dress, the more confident you'll be when you finally find "the one".

i agree that the grass is always greener. while i am five and half years younger than my bf, i am at a different point in my life. him (sometimes) and his friends (even older than he is) are content doing dinner and drinks on most friday nights...but i still like to stay out to the wee hours. but we make it work. i do that with my girlfriends when i feel the need. but whenever i am out, i'm so glad that i don't have to be in the dating game, and i'm glad that i get to come back to him. that's another sign i feel that i'm happy where i'm at.

i agree with bex that we are always looking for something better, etc..it's what we are taught and that is a big reason while we do continue to doubt ourselves, i do the same sometimes...

but in the end, when people ask about us, my response is, "we just work". there's no explaining it, and i don't want to think too hard, because that's when i get into trouble, but yes, i enjoy waking up to him, yes i enjoy telling him about my day, yes we do go to pick out furniture when most people are binge drinking and watching their favorite football team, but i like it, it works for me and most importantly, us.

i always thought how boring i have become at times (especially since i am only 23), but i don't feel boring, i feel happy and that's what's most important.

good luck, and don't think too hard. you'll figure out what's right....