STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

kenzie · Chanel

Crap. (Again.) ~~UPDATED~~

NCshopper · Hermes

RE: Crap. (Again.)

wetbandit42 · Marc Jacobs

I'm so sorry Kenzie. That's an awful thing to do to someone. ( ( Hugs ) )

Kelly · Hermes

Oh Kenzie, that is so shitty. We're here if and when you need us. Get some sleep tonight.

Alegria · Kate Spade

Sorry hon...I've been through it and know how crappy it feels. Let me know if you want to talk.

kenzie · Chanel

Crap. (Again.) ~~UPDATED~~

joy0302 · Kate Spade

Kenzie I am so sorry. I have been in a similar situation and it sucks! I don't know why guys can't see what girls are after!

It seems like you both have had so much going on lately! Maybe you can set aside time for just the two of you a few days a week. Also, it may not hurt to go to happy hour with him and his coworkers. I think it is a lot easier for girls like that to try stuff when they don't know the significant other. Not that you should make friends with her or anything, but at least you could be there to give her a little " I am on to you you homewrecking witch" look! :)

I hope everything gets better for you soon! It is not a fun thing to be going through!

Suasoria · Chanel

(((hugs)))

Is he going to counseling at all? It sounds like he's under terrible stress right now (hence the stomach problems) and he should definitely get some of this off his chest and learn some tools to deal with it.

Boots · Gucci

I'm sorry. It sounds like a lot of stress for 2 people to deal with. The good thing is that you guys are committed to your relationship and to each other. I hope that things start to look up soon.

kenzie · Chanel

Thanks again, everyone.

joy0302, I agree, we need more time for us. That's something we discussed and we need make a conscious effort to do. And yes, if he goes to happy hour, I'll be there from now on. He agreed. He even went as far as to say that there is no reason for him to be out at a bar without me, ever. If that's how he feels, that's fine, although I think it's slightly extreme.

Suasoria, I made a doctor appointment for him on Thursday. He needs to get help for this depression. He tends to internalize everything and bottle it all up. He needs to stop doing that and learn how to cope properly.

Boots, thanks. Yes, I think we are both very committed to this relationship and making it work. It's just a rough patch right now. I hope it gets better soon, too.

Sibeski · Dooney & Bourke

You and your SO should be commended for your committment to each other, good for you. I really hope all works out!

jrhampt · Kenneth Cole

Aw, you guys sounds like you need a vacation together. In CT, maybe?

I'm glad it wasn't as bad as you initially thought. Why is your job so awful, though?

blink · Coach

Oh gosh! I am so sorry you have to deal with this!

I think if it were me, I would be calling up the girl directly and asking both what her side of the story is AND what her motivations are in pursuing a friendship with someone's boyfriend. That's just me though, I like rational confrontation.

Did she even say a word to you when you approached them in the bar? I am curious to know what the hell her texts said too. Does she even acknowledge your existence? Is she asking that he break up with you?

I don't wish to sound negative here and I am so sorry to do so, but in my opinion, your boyfriend is downplaying his attraction to her. I don't think he's a jerk or anything, but this was more substantial than just a stupid decision. I know you describe him as a people pleaser and that he may have been spending time with her out of pity, but I don't buy that 100%. He's a man, after all... and a man with insecurity issues as you described is no match for attention from a seductive female man chaser. (btw, I loathe these women, like flies I can't SWAT)

This experience has taught you to trust your initial instincts about her, don't defend his choices (not that you are now, just saying, in the future) as simple people pleasing and PLEASE do not blame this on yourself for not paying enough attention to him. You are such a motivated, dynamic personality and beautiful girl, he knows this and yet he still let this so-called friendship that was both against your wishes AND had high potential to completely jeopardize his relationship with you happen. That is his problem to fix, not yours. Don't set yourself up for a lifetime of "fixing the relationship" because your significant other drops the ball. Too many women do this. I did this too and guess what? 10 years later, I had enough being screwed over by a people pleaser (my ex was more outgoing and exuded confidence, but was also the type who could not resist attention and could not say NO to people) so I had to leave.

If you guys are together for a long time, this girl will likely not be the only one to prey on his weakness. I hope he steps up and gives this girl a stern "back off" message, that will at least boost the chances that the next time this might come up, he will squash whatever welcoming vibes he was putting out to begin with that compelled her to think he was emotionally available.

I just have to say again, sorry to rant, I really despise women like this... such dereliction of femininity, only woman-haters go after a man who is in an exclusive relationship. Hang in there.

And if you want me to call her for you and tell her to go away, I will.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

blink wrote:

I don't wish to sound negative here and I am so sorry to do so, but in my opinion, your boyfriend is downplaying his attraction to her. I don't think he's a jerk or anything, but this was more substantial than just a stupid decision. I know you describe him as a people pleaser and that he may have been spending time with her out of pity, but I don't buy that 100%. He's a man, after all... and a man with insecurity issues as you described is no match for attention from a seductive female man chaser. (btw, I loathe these women, like flies I can't SWAT)

ITA - the fact that she had texted him clearly shows he gave her his number.. which I think crosses a line between "friendly work buddy" and flirting with more. It is very possible that he was flattered by the attention and figured he was in control, therefore nothing bad would happen. Maybe this will serve as a wakeup call - allow you both to reprioritize and work on the relationship. It sounds like the trips to the dr/focus on mental and physical health will really bring you guys to a new level as a couple.

blink, your advice is always brilliant, honest and spot on. I just had to say that.

kenzie · Chanel

blink wrote:

Oh gosh! I am so sorry you have to deal with this!

I think if it were me, I would be calling up the girl directly and asking both what her side of the story is AND what her motivations are in pursuing a friendship with someone's boyfriend. That's just me though, I like rational confrontation.

Did she even say a word to you when you approached them in the bar? I am curious to know what the hell her texts said too. Does she even acknowledge your existence? Is she asking that he break up with you?

I don't wish to sound negative here and I am so sorry to do so, but in my opinion, your boyfriend is downplaying his attraction to her. I don't think he's a jerk or anything, but this was more substantial than just a stupid decision. I know you describe him as a people pleaser and that he may have been spending time with her out of pity, but I don't buy that 100%. He's a man, after all... and a man with insecurity issues as you described is no match for attention from a seductive female man chaser. (btw, I loathe these women, like flies I can't SWAT)

This experience has taught you to trust your initial instincts about her, don't defend his choices (not that you are now, just saying, in the future) as simple people pleasing and PLEASE do not blame this on yourself for not paying enough attention to him. You are such a motivated, dynamic personality and beautiful girl, he knows this and yet he still let this so-called friendship that was both against your wishes AND had high potential to completely jeopardize his relationship with you happen. That is his problem to fix, not yours. Don't set yourself up for a lifetime of "fixing the relationship" because your significant other drops the ball. Too many women do this. I did this too and guess what? 10 years later, I had enough being screwed over by a people pleaser (my ex was more outgoing and exuded confidence, but was also the type who could not resist attention and could not say NO to people) so I had to leave.

If you guys are together for a long time, this girl will likely not be the only one to prey on his weakness. I hope he steps up and gives this girl a stern "back off" message, that will at least boost the chances that the next time this might come up, he will squash whatever welcoming vibes he was putting out to begin with that compelled her to think he was emotionally available.

I just have to say again, sorry to rant, I really despise women like this... such dereliction of femininity, only woman-haters go after a man who is in an exclusive relationship. Hang in there.

And if you want me to call her for you and tell her to go away, I will.

Blink, you're right and I agree with everything you said. I saw a string of e-mails between them and she clearly pursued him despite knowing about me, but he was definitely acting inappropriately. There was a lot of lying going on.

It was definitely an emotional affair, although he still says he wasn't really interested in her; he just wanted her attention and ended up getting caught up in one lie after another after another after another (which is what happens when you start lying). He also said that he's been having doubts about California and he thought that he was going to lose me to California regardless of our relationship, so he was frustrated about that.

I do believe him that he was more into her attention than into her as an actual person. (I got her side of it through the e-mails I saw, so I don't feel the need to contact her.) But, he was definitely wrong. Even though our relationship has been suffering recently, he should have come to me about his fears and apprehension, not taken it outside of the relationship.

As for California...that's on hold indefinitely again. We decided that we do want to leave this area, but we are talking about going to Pittsburgh or Philly for a year or two. There are actually a lot of jobs we're interested in in Pittsburgh, so we may head there. D said it will also help him get ready for the bigger move to California.

So, yeah it turned out to be worse than I initially thought after I saw all the e-mails, but he is truly sorry (he was sobbing hysterically- more than once), knows what he did was wrong and we're going for couples counseling to work through it.

I know this isn't my fault, but I know that I did make him feel like he didn't matter, which wasn't/isn't true. He totally messed up and this is his issue and he wants to get help. He was just diagnosed with depression and is taking meds for that now, too. We definitely needed a wake-up call to fix this relationship. I wish it hadn't been this kind of wake-up call, but what's done is done and we can only move forward now.

And, blink, your assessment of this biznatch is spot on. Feel free to call her and tell her buzz off. smile And to answer your questions- no, she did not speak to me when I hauled his drunk ass out of the bar. Yes, she's been telling him/asking him to break up with me. Apparently, he talked to her a lot about our relationship (and his apprehension about California) and in his words, "the writing on the wall" that I was going to leave him (which I completely understand why he felt this way because I kind of said it before, whether I meant it or not). Obviously, he was communicating with the wrong person about all of this and he should have been talking to me and not her.

And yes, he told her to back off, that he loves me, what he did was wrong, she needs to leave him alone and they are not friends. She better listen.

-- Edited by kenzie on Sunday 6th of September 2009 07:55:52 AM

blink · Coach

I am glad that he was forthcoming enough to share the emails and texts between him and the bugaboo-girl. That does say a lot about your boyfriend's character.

I am not happy that he shared details about his relationship to her at all. That's completely inappropriate. But I think it's still a really positive sign that he is being open about it AND that you guys are going to get couples counseling. There's so many guys out there that will flat out refuse that sort of thing and believe that they can fix it by sheer will power. I also admire that he's not afraid to display guilt, it sucks for him that he is depressed and that he was sobbing, but well, he betrayed you and that should feel bad.

Do be at least a little wary of anti-depressant use. There are considerable drawbacks to the help they provide. SSRI's have shown to diminish patients ability to empathize...and in my personal opinion, in romantic relationships, empathy is not up for bargaining. Sorry this article is the shortened version...it's all I could come up with right off the top of my head.

http://www.psychiatryupdate.com.au/article/emotional-side-effects-of-ssris/496907.aspx

kenzie · Chanel

blink wrote:

I am glad that he was forthcoming enough to share the emails and texts between him and the bugaboo-girl. That does say a lot about your boyfriend's character.

I am not happy that he shared details about his relationship to her at all. That's completely inappropriate. But I think it's still a really positive sign that he is being open about it AND that you guys are going to get couples counseling. There's so many guys out there that will flat out refuse that sort of thing and believe that they can fix it by sheer will power. I also admire that he's not afraid to display guilt, it sucks for him that he is depressed and that he was sobbing, but well, he betrayed you and that should feel bad.

Do be at least a little wary of anti-depressant use. There are considerable drawbacks to the help they provide. SSRI's have shown to diminish patients ability to empathize...and in my personal opinion, in romantic relationships, empathy is not up for bargaining. Sorry this article is the shortened version...it's all I could come up with right off the top of my head.

http://www.psychiatryupdate.com.au/article/emotional-side-effects-of-ssris/496907.aspx

Thanks for the info, blink. He's on a very, very low dosage and he can stop it at anytime. I'm hoping he won't have to stay on it for very long and we can just get through everything with counseling/therapy.

It's way inappropriate that he gave her details about our relationship; that's one of the things that pisses me off the most. But, he is genuinely sorry and hideously guilt-ridden (as he should be). He was the one who suggested counseling and he said he's willing to do whatever it takes (and move wherever it takes smile ) to fix this relationship. For my part, I need to stop acting like it's my way or the highway and learn to compromise and work together with him (it's the only child in me rearing its ugly head).

-- Edited by kenzie on Monday 7th of September 2009 10:00:37 AM