So you all know SO and I are planning to move to California this fall. I've been wanting to do this for years. Tonight, he tells me that he doesn't really want to go. He wants to go because he loves me and wants to be with me, but he doesn't want to go because it's too far from his family and he won't know anyone there.
But there is nothing here for me. Nothing. Other than him. And that's just not enough. I will never acheive any of my dreams in this abysmal area. I'm so unhappy. The only thing for me to do here would be to get married, have a few kids and a mediocre career. And that's just not me at all. He knows I'm unhappy. But I don't want to make him unhappy by forcing him to move to California.
I'm not really sure what the point of this is but I just wanted to vent and I know you girls are good listeners. Part of me is really pissed because I feel like he led me on and made me think he was going to move with me. Another part is just like, well f*ck, now what?
It doesn't help much that I'm turning 30 next week and having a helluva time with that idea.
Is maybe the SO just freaking out about the actual move? Like cold feet before marriage? Maybe he's worried about the actual logistics (money, jobs, the drive, etc)?
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"But I want you to remember, I intend this breast satirically." Susan from Coupling
He won't know anyone there...neither will you, right? But you'll both meet people, so, problem solved.
Is it possibly a minor freakout...about the commitment itself, not specifically the move? Like if he envisions you both moving, it will somehow take the relationship to a different level? Maybe some issues of dependence?
I can't help with any of the rest of it, but 30 isn't so bad. Actually, it's better than ever. I have a new fantastic job, an actual career for once, I'm finally making decent money, and am looking at buying a second property as a vacation home.
Did he say he didn't want to go, but is going to anyway, or is he actually not going to anymore??
kenzie, I've known you online for what, I think it has been 8 years? Go, even if you have to do it without him. If it doesn't work out, you can always come back home.
Eight years I've known you, and you have been unhappy where you are at. Don't wake up at 40 and be like damn, what have I done with my life? Life passes fast, and even as young as we are, I have regrets of chances I didn't take.
*had to correct my crazy spelling, and I didn't even have cocoa this morning! Maybe that is what I need lol
-- Edited by Kincali on Wednesday 29th of July 2009 09:02:01 AM
Oh, I'm going with or without him. I already told him that. You're right KinCali, it's my dream and I'd have to give up everything if I didn't do it (including quitting grad school because my degree will be worthless here).
We talked a little more about it and he says that he's scared to go out there because he thinks I don't love him enough and that I'm going to break up with him when we get out there. WTF???? We are supposed to be getting married, I tell him that I love him, I act like I love him- I have no idea why he's being so insecure.
Honestly, I think he'll still go because he wants to be with me, but I don't want to force him to go. That would be like him forcing me to stay here. It's not fair and I won't do it.
He wants to talk more about it, but I'm not sure what to say at this point because I'm going regardless. The thought of staying here makes me sick.
It really sounds like he's just plain scared. But really, think about it, if you weren't so desperate to leave wouldn't you be a tiny bit scared too? Different things are always scary. And moving across the country is a huge thing. Even if you've planned and planned and planned, the reality of moving (in like two months? three?) has got to freaking him out.
I'm sure that come next year when it's time for us to do the same thing, I'll start freaking out as well. Moving the whole way across the country is a really exciting idea, in the abstract. Actually doing it? Terrifying.
Be patient with him, I know that this is driving you insane and upsets you, but it sounds like he wants to go, but is just playing the "what if" game and is afraid of leaving his comfort zone. Remember that this is your dream, it may not necessarily be his. He's doing this because he loves you and wants you to be happy.
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"But I want you to remember, I intend this breast satirically." Susan from Coupling
It really sounds like he's just plain scared. But really, think about it, if you weren't so desperate to leave wouldn't you be a tiny bit scared too? Different things are always scary. And moving across the country is a huge thing. Even if you've planned and planned and planned, the reality of moving (in like two months? three?) has got to freaking him out.
I'm sure that come next year when it's time for us to do the same thing, I'll start freaking out as well. Moving the whole way across the country is a really exciting idea, in the abstract. Actually doing it? Terrifying.
Be patient with him, I know that this is driving you insane and upsets you, but it sounds like he wants to go, but is just playing the "what if" game and is afraid of leaving his comfort zone. Remember that this is your dream, it may not necessarily be his. He's doing this because he loves you and wants you to be happy.
Relrel, that's pretty much exactly what he said. He said he's scared. And I guess that's normal. I'm excited about it, but the reality is that it is risky and scary, but I also know lots of people do it and never regret it and I know we can do it, too.
It kind of sounds like he's afraid of moving out there without a firm commitment on your relationship. You said that you were talking marriage, but are you engaged? Or is it all talk set somewhere in the hazy future? It's not just women who need to know that their partner is committed to taking the relationship to the next level. Maybe he needs some reassurance that you are as committed to your future together as you are to the move across country? Sometime people (re: guys) need things spelled out for them.
Oh, and yes, 30 is a big milestone. But I am so much happier being in my own skin in my 30's than I ever was in my 20's. You are in for a great decade!
I agree that he just sounds scared. If you both move and he really doesn't like it, he could always come home. Who knows, you may move there and not like it (not saying that would happen, but you never know.) The point is that you're doing this together.
YOu have to pursue your dreams, otherwise you'll never forgive him & yourself for not trying....YOu can always go back, if G-d forbid, things don't work out. But you can't think that, you have to move with only 1 positive thought - it'll work out! I knew my (today husband), then a boyfriend, for 5 months, lived together 2 months, when I got my approval for employment autorization in USA. THat was my dream, to have a career in USA, CA ( forget that it never happened for me, but i'd never go back), he had a carrer & I already said: "OK, we're not going, you have a career & I have just a dream castle", but he didn't hesitate even 5 min, & said "Let's go". I was 27, he was 30. So, we emmigrated...it's scarier then to move to another state, we moved across the ocean,away from the families & friends & ....anyway, we're happily married, 2 kids, lost both of our careers, but we're still positive about pursuing the dream:) BEST OF LUCK!!!
I agree that you should go to California even if you have to go alone. If you stay there just for your boyfriend you may end up resenting the fact that you stayed for him and that could cause problems down the road. I think you would regret it more if you didn't move and at least try your luck out there.
Hopefully he is just scared and will decide to go through with the move as he told you he would.
A brief update- we talked again and he just flat out says that he's scared, but still wants to go. He also wants to feel more secure with our relationship (I have no idea why he thinks I'm going to dump him once we get out there, but he does). He's more scared about that than about the move itself. So, to answer your question, Boots, right now it's a "hazy future." We're not officially engaged. He told me a few things that he needs from me for reassurance and they're easy things to do.
So, we're still saving money and planning to move (and I'll go without him in the end if I have to), but we might have to push it back until right after the holidays rather than in October as originally planned.
You know what this sounds like? Like when a boyfriend is non supportive of his girlfriend's weight loss because he's afraid that once she is thinner, she will dump him. Maybe he thinks that once you guys move to CA and you have your new life/career going, you'll be too fabulous and want some one equally fabulous? I know that sounds stupid, but possibly the fact that you are pursuing your dream might be making him a little insecure?
What's great is that you guys are able to talk things out and work on the problem before it gets too big to handle. That says a lot about your relationship.
You know what this sounds like? Like when a boyfriend is non supportive of his girlfriend's weight loss because he's afraid that once she is thinner, she will dump him. Maybe he thinks that once you guys move to CA and you have your new life/career going, you'll be too fabulous and want some one equally fabulous? I know that sounds stupid, but possibly the fact that you are pursuing your dream might be making him a little insecure?
What's great is that you guys are able to talk things out and work on the problem before it gets too big to handle. That says a lot about your relationship.
It's funny you say that because those really are his reasons. He thinks I'll have some fabulous life out there and he won't be fabulous enough to be a part of it. Which is complete and total insanity. I know what a great guy he is and how rare of a guy he is- he is not disposable to me. But neither are my dreams and he knows this. And he wants me to pursue my dreams and be happy and he's infinitely supportive.
Even if we have to push back the date a little bit, we'll still get there. I'd rather get there a few months later than planned (and with him) than not get there at all or get there without him. Plus, we'll have even more money saved, too.
-- Edited by kenzie on Thursday 30th of July 2009 01:41:03 PM
You know what this sounds like? Like when a boyfriend is non supportive of his girlfriend's weight loss because he's afraid that once she is thinner, she will dump him. Maybe he thinks that once you guys move to CA and you have your new life/career going, you'll be too fabulous and want some one equally fabulous? I know that sounds stupid, but possibly the fact that you are pursuing your dream might be making him a little insecure?
What's great is that you guys are able to talk things out and work on the problem before it gets too big to handle. That says a lot about your relationship.
It's funny you say that because those really are his reasons. He thinks I'll have some fabulous life out there and he won't be fabulous enough to be a part of it. Which is complete and total insanity. I know what a great guy he is and how rare of a guy he is- he is not disposable to me. But neither are my dreams and he knows this. And he wants me to pursue my dreams and be happy and he's infinitely supportive.
Even if we have to push back the date a little bit, we'll still get there. I'd rather get there a few months later than planned (and with him) than not get there at all or get there without him. Plus, we'll have even more money saved, too.
-- Edited by kenzie on Thursday 30th of July 2009 01:41:03 PM
Hah, my first thought was "Kenzie doesn't need California to be fabulous! She already is, even in Bohunk, PA".
Interestingly, I almost think that your relationship would get even better once you move. You'll be where you are most happy and won't be so stressed/bored from your job...and that's got to be a good thing. He's complained about you being so busy with your businesses, right? I would tell D that by being lessed stressed about a crappy job in a crappy place, that you will actually have more time and more motivation to go out and do things WITH HIM.
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"But I want you to remember, I intend this breast satirically." Susan from Coupling
You know what, girl? With everything you have told us about him, I have a hunch that he just needed to get that off his chest and that now that he's giving you a chance to reassure him, he'll come around. His old moniker was McStubborn, no? He just needs time to think about it, and now that he's told you upfront how he feels, he can finally do that. Sounds like he's been avoiding the issue before now.
I think he's just feeling a little bit of a blow to his masculinity, being that he's going to "follow" his girl out to CA. It's really his problem, not yours. I don't really have any advice, but maybe he just needs some extra positive assurances and encouragement, whatever it takes to make him okay with moving outside of his comfort zone.
And hello, there's always the ability to move back home if he just hates CA, it's not like anything has to be so permanent. Life is too short to just stay in your hometown if you don't have to. It could be just as much of a catalyzing career move for him as you intend for it to be for yourself.
Good luck!!
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"Go either very cheap or very expensive. It's the middle ground that is fashion nowhere." ~ Karl Lagerfeld
Blink, I can't believe you remember the McStubborn thing. Hehehe. But thanks for the reminder because it really is true. He's just so much slower on the uptake than most people. I'm pretty sure he'll go (he's been complaining more and more about hating his job here and asking if I think he'll have better opportunities in California- hello?! YES!). Your advice is right on. Thanks!