STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

bex · Chanel

dealbreaker, cont....

honey · Gucci

(((hugs))) i'm sorry you're going through this right now. in reading your post one thing confused me/wasn't clear. how does the eventual (it seems like it's eventual) move to nyc fit into you guys plans? i'm kind of confused b/c i can't understand why he would say it's selfish to move, but at the same time it seems like moving to nyc doesn't fit into this grand scheme (kids) at all.

bex · Chanel

quote:
Originally posted by: honey
"(((hugs))) i'm sorry you're going through this right now. in reading your post one thing confused me/wasn't clear. how does the eventual (it seems like it's eventual) move to nyc fit into you guys plans? i'm kind of confused b/c i can't understand why he would say it's selfish to move, but at the same time it seems like moving to nyc doesn't fit into this grand scheme (kids) at all."

i am hoping, that within 5 years, my job will allow me to work 3 days a week in NYC or 2 weeks out of a month in NYC. at that time, i will keep a commuter studio apartment in the city for me while i am there. he is okay with me doing this while we are married/having kids. however, he feels that if i have the chance to live in NYC in 5 years and have a studio apartment in NYC, then i shouldn't want a condo in downtown columbus now because i am just doing it for me because i like urban living and he doesn't. he prefers suburban living... so he feels that we should live in the suburbs because i will have what I want later on (which may or may not happen- i dont know for sure) is that clearer? i hope so...

god, my emotions are running high right now... i hope i am even writing these posts clearly for you... *sigh* i just never thought that we would come to this point... i think the reality of the fact that we are looking at marriage hit us both and we realized that we aren't completely "right" for each other... and the fact that we have 3 years invested in this relationship...

laken1 · Hermes

It's really hard to give advice with somewhat limited info, but from what you have written in your past 2 posts on this topic, it sounds like you are truly making decisions based on how you feel / what you want / what is best for you, which is exactly what you should do. I just don't believe in compromising things you want for a relationship because in the end you will just resent him for it. I didn't answer before because I really didn't know what to say, but to me just the kid issue alone is enough of an issue. If you TRULY don't want kids (and i don't either, btw), marrying someone that really really does is unfair to both of you. To me, if he knows you feel that way & he feels really strongly about having children, it sounds like he knows he can convince you to have the kids HE wants. Even childless me knows, a child is a mom's child, there is a rare circumstance where the dad steps up as much as the mom, this is one reason I decided not to have one. (please don't get me on my kid soap box, i'll never get down)

ANYWAY, the whole living downtown in the cool place & living that experience sounds really important to you. I don't think that's a deal breaker for everyone, but if it is that important to you, why doesn't he make the sacrifice to do what he doesn't want to do - as opposed to you making the sacrifice of giving up your dream / wish to live there? I guess my point is that in every situation it sounds like he expects you to yield your desires to his & honey, that just isn't fair.

You say you always got along before you got that job - I went through this with my first husband. As long as I was in some po-dunk job he was fine, when I started having my own money (ie, making as much as him), networking with people that intimidated him, finding success in my own right, he was really threatened. I truly believe that is what killed our marriage, but I am glad it worked out the way it did because I was being true to myself, and if he couldn't handle that, I didn't want to be with him. I outgrew him, and I don't know your situation, but could it be that you are outgrowing him?

Again, take all this with a grain of salt because nobody knows how you feel but you, but you can't be expected to give up your dreams for someone else. I think you'll end up regretting it if you do.

honey · Gucci

it's clearer, but it still doesn't make sense (well to me). i don't know...your plan sounds lovely in theory, but i wonder how the reality of it would work out, especially when you throw kids into the mix. that's not even considering the strain the distance would put on the relationship since from what i'm reading he's not going to follow you to nyc. and i don't want to read to much into it, but it almost seems like he's secretly hoping that if you get pregnant you'll give up the idea of living/working in nyc... anyway i honestly hope things work out for the best in your situation.

-- Edited by honey at 15:22, 2005-04-27

bex · Chanel

quote:
Originally posted by: laken1
"You say you always got along before you got that job - I went through this with my first husband. As long as I was in some po-dunk job he was fine, when I started having my own money (ie, making as much as him), networking with people that intimidated him, finding success in my own right, he was really threatened. I truly believe that is what killed our marriage, but I am glad it worked out the way it did because I was being true to myself, and if he couldn't handle that, I didn't want to be with him. I outgrew him, and I don't know your situation, but could it be that you are outgrowing him?"

this part of your post sent shivers through me...

i think you are right. i think he IS threatened by my success... before i had to rely on him to bail me out financially quite a bit and i think he loved the idea that he had to "support" me... but now i make more than him and bought myself a nice little car and am saving for a home and i think that scares him that i am suddenly able to be self-sufficient (like i always WANTED to be) and he doesn't need to "take care of me" anymore.

btw- i am scouting out downtown apartments for myself online right now... i am going to make some appointments to see them tomorrow afternoon while i am in columbus on biz...

thanks for all your support and thoughts-- i know it is difficult to give advice when you don't know the full story behind everything... but knowing that you all believe that i should go with my gut instinct is making me feel that i should. i don't want to sacrifice what I want just so that he can have what he wants... to me- thats not sacrifice= that is doing what he wants.

splash · Kenneth Cole

Good luck - this is such a hard position, and it sounds like he's not being extremely clear. But it sounds like, the more you think about it, the clearer it becomes to you - trust your instincts.

To agree with what the others have said, he sounds like he wants the suburban house with the white picket fence, and you'll be the stereotypical 'soccer mom.' And that doesn't sound quite like what you want. I'm confused how he's agreed to your hopes for commuting in NYC, I just don't see how they can fit with the rest of his plans.

blubirde · Chanel

First, bex, ((((hugs)))) - this sucks!

Second, I'm so proud of you!!! Seriously. You want something and you're not backing down because your man doesn't want you to have it. You may not know it, but you inspire me just by doing what you've always wanted to. I admire women like you.

All that said, I think living in a city and not wanting kids right now are completely okay. These are not issues that should be dealbreakers for your SO. Imo, he should be okay with you wanting to wait on kids (I mean, hello! if you're not into kids right now, what kind of mom would you be?) and with the move to Columbus - it's just a different apartment and town, what's the big deal? He's not leaving a job to move there, right? And I'm sure it's not that far away from where y'all live right now so he can still see his friends and/or family. It just seems to me that if this is something you've always wanted, and presumably he knows you've always wanted it, he'd want it for you also. Aren't our SOs supposed to want the things for us that we want for ourselves? Aren't they supposed to want us to be happy?

Sometimes in a relationship there are points where we can't hide the fact that we're growing apart. It sucks but it's wonderful in the end because we don't torture each other anymore. You want to move onward and upward. It seems like he wants to stay stagnant and force you into a situation you're not comfortable with. And it's true you've invested 3 years in this relationship but if it's not going to work out in the end, do you really want to waste 3 more years of your life?

These are really hard decisions but you seem to be thinking pretty clearly at the moment. And, to be perfectly honest, the kid thing IS a big deal. If you're not ready that's all there is to it. Period. There are no if, ands, or buts. Kids are too important a subject to be forced into or taken on haphazardly. He shouldn't push you into it if you're not ready. He not only shouldn't push you into, but it's actually kind of wrong of him to try.

Let us know how the apartment search goes!!

KE · Kenneth Cole

Bex, after reading your two posts, this is my feeling based on what you've shared. Your guy sounds like he is not into compromising. His way is what you "should" do and if you don't want to, you are "selfish". Sounds that way about the kid issue, where you live, etc. My first husband was like that, it was his way or the highway and what I wanted was "selfish". I am married to someone now who is so opposite of that, and I can now see that the controlling type of men who try to guilt trip you, can tie your mind in knots. I think you should follow your dream. You will regret not trying, even if you change direction after you do. If he is really right for you, he should support your desire and give it a try.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

everyone else has said it amply but I just have too pitch in and say I agree! Sounds like you two are suddenly realizing you are really on diverging paths. Him, suburbia & family, and you, career & city. Mind you, living in the city doesn't mean you can never have a family... I have lots of born & bred NYer friends who wouldn't dream of having grown up in the suburbs. They are all incredibly savvy, smart, ambitious, well-rounded people (who all happen not to be able to drive a car, but that's another story). A yard, the mall, and a white picket fence do not by themselves a happy childhood make. But while you may eventually come around to wanting that, it will be a while, whereas it sounds like he wants it now. I know relationships involve compromise but I don't think you should have to compromise on something so important to you, that's an intrinsic part of your personality, especially for someone you are not yet married to. And I bet if you do move to the city you might find a man who is much more on your wavelength. And you shouldn't feel bad about the three years "invested"--a good relationship is always worth the time you put into it, as long as it's right for you at the time and you're not cheating yourself, even if it doesn't work out in the end. The main thing is to end it once it stops providing what you need. Good luck!

laken1 · Hermes

I really hate to add fuel to the fire, I also hate to quote Oprah or Dr. Phil because I think it's corny, but I did hear something today that made me think of you:

There is a difference between compromise where you both work on something together & sacrifices you make that change you & forces you to not be who you are.

You just need to be true to your authentic self & what you REALLY want.

Good luck, I know this is a hard time.