STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

splash · Kenneth Cole

UPDATE: long distance and hot guy

tri_sarah_tops · Marc Jacobs

RE: long distance and hot guy

splash · Kenneth Cole

I guess I forgot something important: I adore him. When we're together, I think we have a great connection. It's just shaky when we're not. He's had long-distance relationships (though not as long distance) before, but I'm a relative novice.

CRM · Nine West

I think that if you adore him and are you both are willing to put in extra effort and trust in eachother then it is worth the time and risks. Long distance really is too fragile of a relationship to play games, so you kinda both have to put you hearts on the line and put everything on the table. (The positive of that is if it doesn't work out you won't have to see him around town and feel embaressed that you spilled your guts and he wasn't ready for the relationship.) I did long distance for the last 3 years of my time at college, and now we are happily married. We had a 3 - 4 hour plane ride separating us in the school year and a 2 hour drive in the summers. It was tough to be so far apart but it does have alot of advantages. Because we were so far apart we never had to miss out on the friendships that sometimes get put on the back burner when you are seriously dating someone in your city. We got the best of both worlds: the time to hang out with your friends whenever, and then we got our visits that were a time to devote 4 entire days to eachother. Also, when we were away from eachother, we still had "us" time. We would have "dates" on the phone and go to the video store together, pick out a movie and popcorn, and go home and watch it together. Anywho, enough blabbing.. just basically saying that the long distance shouldn't be a dealbreaker if you want the relationship enough.

shopgirl82 · Chanel

i dated my bf for 3.5 years when i was in college and it wouldn't have worked if we didn't trust eachother. i always felt secure with him, i knew he was being faithful to me, i don't think i could live with the paranoia of me thinking he was cheating on me.

i agree with CRM, it worked out great for me cuz i could feel like i was in college, go out with friends, etc.. and not feel like i was missing out on the college experience.

i guess my advice would be, do you feel better or worse about yourself/things with him when you're with him and WITHOUT him. if you don't feel good about yourself, it's not worth it. hth, good luck with things!

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I love shopgirl's advice - good luck with this one (and remember, there's always someone even hotter out there).

splash · Kenneth Cole

Thanks for the advice! I'm trying to make it work.. I asked about this yesterday, and his response was that he's not ready to make the relationship a lot more significant, because he had an extremely hard breakup last summer and is very busy with school etc. That works for me, since I don't have a lot of time either. And he was very understanding about me being scared, since I haven't experienced this before.

THEN: after he'd gone to bed, I found this on his facbook site (facebook is like friendster or other 'networking' sites):
"- can treat a girl as well as a European guy brought up in a house full of women has been taught
- seem to really like light blue color on girls ...but really, nothing is better than an athlete who does not drink much, has some common sense (from an Eastern perspective) and a sense of feminine beauty (if I’ve to tell you that your current makeup does not work well with your eye color, we’ve a problem)."
Maybe I'm crazy, but that sounds a lot like an ad looking for a girlfriend. We agreed a while ago that we're exclusive, but if something comes up, it makes more sense to do that rather than long distance.
I don't even know what to say to him. There's a slight possibility that he's simply referring to me (I'm a dancer and workout a lot, and he's said I have the other traits) and the flattery went wrong. There's a possibility that he's just oblivious to the fact that that will be read as encouragement to all the girls who fit the description (yes, he's that type).
So.... what do I say? Bringing it up jokingly feels safest, since I don't want to 'bug' him again about our relationship. But then, I'm kind of upset by this, and so it might be better to be serious. Or am I being stupid and trying to ignore the fact that he's just plain looking for other girls?

crystal · Kate Spade

RE: UPDATE: long distance and hot guy

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Ok - take this with a HUGE grain of salt - I could be so very, very wrong. Um, the thing about getting out of a relationship and being hurt... Guys use that as a line when they want to keep things casual. It gets us off their back. It's a low move, and really only used by players. That doesn't mean it isn't true for someone somewhere, but in every case where I've heard this, the guy was just tryign to sleep with me without having to have a relationship. And my guy friends have admitted it. Actually, they thought we all knew the got-hurt-by-a-serious-ex-girlfriend was "code." (side issue, but on their hierarchy, this is one up from a "down-low" situation). Oh, and usually what happens is 1) the girl visits (usually for some dance or other occasion) and you find out they're still "in eachother's lives..." and 2) his friends spill that he cheated on her compulsively until she finally dumped him - and that's why he's not over her, because he can't believe someone could actually put him in his place.

If this were me, I wouldn't risk anymore. This guy sounds like a player. Might as well be the one to put him in his place and puzzle him. And I dont' think you're risking much, since he's not willing to give much...

Like I said, I suck at dating, an my friends could be just assholes, but I have seen people go through this exact situation and it didn't go well. (Of course, that doesn't mean it won't for you). Good luck...

splash · Kenneth Cole

quote:
Originally posted by: Dizzy
"Ok - take this with a HUGE grain of salt - I could be so very, very wrong. Um, the thing about getting out of a relationship and being hurt... Guys use that as a line when they want to keep things casual. Oh, and usually what happens is 1) the girl visits (usually for some dance or other occasion) and you find out they're still "in eachother's lives..." and 2) his friends spill that he cheated on her compulsively until she finally dumped him - and that's why he's not over her, because he can't believe someone could actually put him in his place.

"

I am concerned that he's flirting with or looking for other girls because of the facebook thing (posting online what he likes in a girl, which sounds only sort of like me).
But his breakup would have been traumatic - that I buy. I know she's out of his life. I don't know what he was like with the her, though.

shopgirl82 · Chanel

it sounds to me like he is definitely keeping his options open, YOU should too. that does sound like an ad, and given what he said about him not wanting to get hurt because he had a bad breakup..... i think that is just a cop-out. it seems like he wants you there, but is also looking.

my thing in life, and it's always been this way, is that i have to feel better about myself when i'm around that person(i've found it with my bf, it's just GIRLS, that i haven't ). you are good enough for someone, and if it's him, than go with it. but don't sell yourself short. if he's not ready to invest time in you, don't sell yourself short by waiting for him, you're more valuable than that!! good luck.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

umm...hmm..ok..well...i definitely don't know the whole story so this could so be wrong but...a couple of NOT good signs jumped out at me:

1) you found that ad, just the fact that it exists sucks (could suck less depending on when he put it up but still sucks regardless) and i'm also bothered by its specificity, seems overly detailed to me but that's just the vibe i got reading it once

2) he's drawn the line in the sand about "not wanting to make the relationship more significant". i would definitely tread lightly here...also, this is just my inference...but it sounds like he knows you adore him and is keeping you at arms' length, please be careful with giving him too much power in the relationship--as in don't let him call all the shots.

3) that line about being hurt before, in my social circle, it's code, sometimes true (who HASN'T been hurt before?) but still code, nonetheless--for "back up off me."

at this point, i'd make a concerted effort to date other people and get my mind off him as much as i could. hth!

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

I can't say anything that everyone else hasn't already, but I just have to chime in and agree. You are clearly waaay more into him than he is into you, and you will just keep on feeling bad and hurt and insecure about it for as long as you stay involved with him because he is not going to change. I agree that the "bad breakup" thing, while there may be a grain of truth in it, is essentially just an excuse. If he were as excited about you as you are about him, he wouldn't give a crap about the breakup or the ex anymore. Doesn't mean he doesn't like you at ALL, cause he clearly does, but there seems to be a big disparity and as esquiress said, that lets him call all the shots. He likes you and is flattered by all the attention you give him and as far as he's concerned, he's been honest with you about what he wants from the relationship, so he's going to go right ahead and let you keep on adoring him and hoping that things will get more serious, while he goes ahead and does whatever he wants. A fair man, in these circumstances, would end things because he would feel uncomfortable about the disparity in your feelings and wouldn't want to lead you on. This guy is not interested in your feelings.

Oh, and "busy" is the #1, everyone-knows-it code for "not really interested." Never, ever buy that as an excuse for somebody not giving you what you want out of a relationship! I would say between "busy" and "bad breakup," you should definitely consider just cutting your losses and ending it. If you can be genuinely OK with just having something really casual then that's cool, but it sounds like you like him more than that... and you said that you yourself are the one putting all the work into the relationship by visiting... so I suspect that if you stop pumping time and energy into it he will just drop out of sight.

Sorry hon, this sucks. Good luck!