STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

orlando · Nine West

How to meet people

blink · Coach

I am in the same boat for different reasons, starting over in the same city I have been already living in for nearly 10 years because I am getting divorced. I have two young boys so that's what has kept me busy and unsocial.

So I am going to tell you what my married cousin did when she moved here in 2004, she has a baby now, but she made tons more friends than I had in just a couple years! She never joined MySpace or Facebook either, for the record, she networked using her own ideas.

*She joined Junior League...even though she loves volunteering, she admits she is soo not a junior league type, she joined because she wanted to meet female friends! This was the most important step, she says, that was taken to specifically meet friends.

*She took a French class, in anticipation of her vacation in Paris, held at an urban coffee shop on weeknights, it was here she met a girl who became one of her best local friends!

*She is a great networker, she contacted friends from college and even high school and figured out who had relocated to our area and she started planning meets for brunch, lunch, dinner at her house, etc. She sounds like a social butterfly who loves to entertain, but she's actually really shy and modest! She's just highly organized and conscientious, a born engineer...always thinking and taking the initiative to keep up with quality people and be a good friend to others.

*She got involved in local runs and half-marathons. This was because of her husband who was training for the NY marathon anyway, but they both met friends this way.

*She joined the Women's Initiative program at her company.

Hope some of these ideas help you come up with some of your own.

I look forward to other posts because I need help too. I am 33 and less shy now, but it recently dawned on me that I hadn't initiated any friendships on my own until I was around 26. And now I am so busy, so it's even harder to get out and find new friends.

nightshade · Nine West

I used to often wait for someone to call me and pursue a friendship, rather than doing it myself. For example, we have a couple of long-time friends who give big, interesting parties. At one of these events, I met a woman whom I really liked and who seemed really interested in me as well. I was hoping she might call me and maybe invite me over, but she didn't. After running into her at another one of our mutual friends' parties and again having a great time talking, I called her and asked her if she would like to have lunch together. We did and now are great friends. Both of us laughed about how we hesitated to initiate the friendship. I guess if I was a guy, I would never have had a date yet, if I'm that slow to pick up the phone and take a little chance. My point is that you probably already know of someone who seems like she might be great to know -- maybe just take a chance and find out. Good luck.

NCshopper · Hermes

I can totally sympathize. We moved to the city we're in 5 years ago and it took a good 3 years to get to be friends with people. We've met people through my husband's job and that's our closest group of friends. Some of my former coworkers and current coworkers have also become friends. We've also met people at our gym and while they're not people I know outside of the gym, it's still nice to have familiar faces to chat with every day, even though they're not close. I'm not really a Junior League type of person, but I have considered joining stuff like that to meet people.

Metric · Gucci

I can sympathize, though I've lived in the same city all my life and I still find it hard to meet people. Its especially hard to meet "couple friends" where you and your SO get along with both partners. We still have "my friends" and "his friends".

I tried taking a Spanish class but I was the youngest person there by about 25 years. I took a yoga class but didn't meet anyone. Lots of people I work with are friends outside of work but I don't really want to get involved with that because there is a lot of gossip and backbiting at work.

I don't mean to be a nay-sayer but the "traditional methods" of making new friends haven't really worked for me.

I have met people through other friends or at a party. I find I have to be the one to grow a pair and ask a new friend to hang out, its harder than asking a guy out on a date. I don't know why! But I'd say if you meet someone who you think might be cool, take the initiative yourself and ask them to do something.

Boots · Gucci

I think there are a lot more people in this boat than any of us realize. I'm single and in my thirties, so most of the potential friends my age that I meet are married with kids (which is great, my best friends are married with kids, but I'm looking for some friends who can go out once in a while with out the kids.) I've done the classes thing, but for some reason the classes are always full of couples. I've often kidded with my SIL that there should be a "dating" service for women to meet new friends.

Kelly · Hermes

I need to know this too! While I am now back in the city where I grew up, I feel like I'm starting over because last time I was here I was in high school - all those people have either moved on, or aren't people I'm interested in hanging with anymore (for the most part). I've tried taking classes but honestly I haven't really met a lot of people that way. Part of it is probably my shyness - even if I have a conversation with someone after class, it's so hard to say to a girl "hey, can I get your number, we should hang out sometime!" - but this is where facebook, etc. comes in handy IMO! It's easier to trade a couple wall posts and then invite her to a party or something.

I've also found that people are more than likely to help you meet friends if you just say you're looking to do that. My cousin lives around me, and once I mentioned to her that it's hard to make friends now that I'm out of school, and I almost don't know what to do. She started inviting me out with her friends all the time. I told my brother I was having a hard time meeting friends too, and he's asked me to hang out with him and his friends a few times as well. Now honestly, a lot of my cousin's friends aren't people I would really choose to hang out with. And I know that none of them will become very close friends with me. But I'm trying to adopt a "never say no" policy in my life and go everywhere I'm invited, because you never know where you'll meet someone.

This all sounds like dating advice, haha :)

Suasoria · Chanel

I think it's very, very hard to make new friends as an adult and generally form meaningful bonds with new people. Since I've been out of college, the friends I've made have either been people I worked with or people I've met through DH, like girlfriends/wives of his male friends.

Along the lines of Junior League, volunteering in general is good for meeting people who share the same interests - you'll automatically have something important in common. This could be a political campaign, an animal shelter, a community theater, even a neighborhood association - any type of organization where teamwork is part of the gig. After you put in a few hours working for a cause with a group of people, it's easy and natural to say "anybody feel like getting some drinks/coffee/Thai food?"

You can also check out Meetup.org to see if there are groups that meet near you for various hobbies or interests like wine, poetry writing, career development, etc.

Sometimes gyms and churches are good for this kind of thing, if one is outgoing and can strike up a conversation.

Edited to add: the dog park! Years ago a friend moved to Austin, where he knew nobody, and met his future partner at the dog park. I guess you could say their dogs introduced them. I don't see why it wouldn't work for finding friends, too.

-- Edited by Suasoria on Sunday 29th of March 2009 02:37:15 PM

jah · Dooney & Bourke

I also recommend the Junior League if you have a chapter in your city (is it Orlando??). I am not the stereotypical Jr. League type, but I met 4 of my closest friends in my local chapter when I joined/moved to Southern Cal 4 years ago. Even though 2 of those women have since moved away, we keep in touch and still do girls' weekends. The league will provide you a lot of opportunities to volunteer where you will be working with other people and have down time to converse, etc., but most leagues also have a provisional year for new members. In this year, you will focus on training/learning about the league. Usually, the provisional group is broken down into smaller teams and it is likely you will become quite close with some members of your group (this is how I met the 4 women mentioned above). Also, most leagues have social events and social breakout groups which provide even more opportunities to meet people (our league has a book club, a running club, etc., etc.). If it is a large league, it is almost impossible not to meet some people you like.

Another great way to meet friends is to join Team in Training.

Most importantly though, I think you can meet people anywhere if you take a seeker approach to life. A friend gave me a book that basically explained there are two types of people - seekers and soughts. Seekers go out of their way to ask others to do things, whereas soughts sit back and wait for others to ask. It explains that the only way to get to a healthy intimate relationship with someone (it is a book about romantic intimacy, but I think it applies to relationships of the non-romantic type as well) is to strive for a personal balance between the two - to seek and be sought.

9 times out of 10, the person beside you is likely also more than willing to have a new friend, so if you approach people you meet with this type of attitude and ask them for coffee, I think you will find it is much easier than you think!!

Vanessa · Kate Spade

I moved here about ten years ago without knowing a soul, so I can relate.
Most has already been said, but here is what has worked for me:

* Always be open to new opportunities - be it at the grocery store, nail salon, dentist etc. I once made a friend at a checkout line, and another at the dentist (she was fillling in for my regular hygienist).
* Even if someone is not a perfect fit for you, accept their invitations at least once, particularly if it's a segue to meeting more people. Once they introduce you to their friends, you might end up being more compatible with someone else from that circle.
* Don't be afraid to initiate a friendship. Like Jah said, most people are open to new friendships. We are social creatures after all.
* Don't give up on classes or meetup groups. Or online forums like this one! I met my friend Farrah through the old luckymag forum over six years ago and have met other wonderful ladies since then :)
* Another strong yay for the dog park (not sure if you have a dog). I have met many people since I got the puppies and haven't even been trying.

Good luck!