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Post Info TOPIC: Frustrated with my SO


Gucci

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Frustrated with my SO
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NM
Thanks



-- Edited by Metric at 12:59, 2009-03-12

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Dooney & Bourke

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Maybe create a goal for him to build up to. Is there something he really wants to buy that he can't afford, like a new tv or a boat or bike or something? If he has a goal in mind then it gives him incentive to want to earn more. A lot of times it's just discouraging to work work work just to pay the rent and bills...where's the fun in that? He needs another reason to get his butt off the couch, and if it's because he really wants a new stero system in his car, so be it.

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Gucci

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Could the problem be that he doesn't really want a new job, but he knows that you want him to have a new job, so he is just agreeing with you? If he's not like this normally (you know, a lack of a follow through when he says he's going to do something) he may just be trying to keep the peace and proably doesn't realize how frustrating the situation actually is for you.

It's also possible that he may really want a new job but doesn't have any clue what kind of a job he may want. It can be scary to enter a new field and maybe he's just avoiding that.

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Marc Jacobs

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Boots wrote:

It's also possible that he may really want a new job but doesn't have any clue what kind of a job he may want. It can be scary to enter a new field and maybe he's just avoiding that.




While it's definitely possible that L is just lazy, I would try to figure out if it's what Boots suggested. Or that he's so scared of not getting a new job (failing) that he's just not trying hard.

When I was looking for a job (for what was probably a year or so), I just didn't try very hard. It was so frustrating and so time-consuming and so utterly self-esteem draining that it was hard to continue to put myself out there.

I think it might be possible that L might think that he doesn't have very many options and maybe is feeling a little down about only having a GED.



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Coach

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I don't have any advice, but I hear you.  That has to be so frustrating!  And to feel like he won't do it for himself, but he also won't do it for the both of you and the benefit of your future together...argh.  I am sure he feels pretty badly about his situation, I hope he can put ego aside and get motivated.

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Nine West

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OK, here's my 2 cents. It could be any and all of the above reasons, but I'm sure in your heart of hearts, you know if he is lazy or not. If he is, run, don't walk, because he will not change. I speak from experience. DH has a lot of great qualities, but he is lazy as a yellow dog and if I didn't flagellate him to within an inch of his life, he would never turn his hand. After 27 years, I sometimes shake my head. I wish someone had given me a quick swat years ago. On the bright side, once we retire, I don't care if he never turns his hand. He can lie on the couch until the Apocalypse.

Whew. That felt good...

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Marc Jacobs

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Well first of all, the job market sucks. And it is extremely competitive. And he is lucky to have a job.

Ok so all that being said - he has some obstacles to get past and that is probably freaking him out. Nothing can be scarier than faced with the prospect of rejection. He has to be very aggressive if he wants to get a new job - esp without a college degree & no experience in another industry - than he will have to take the initiative to further his eduction and pursue something new.

Thing is - all of that is up to him. You can lead a horse to water , but you cant make it drink.

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Hermes

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relrel wrote:

Boots wrote:

It's also possible that he may really want a new job but doesn't have any clue what kind of a job he may want. It can be scary to enter a new field and maybe he's just avoiding that.




While it's definitely possible that L is just lazy, I would try to figure out if it's what Boots suggested. Or that he's so scared of not getting a new job (failing) that he's just not trying hard.

When I was looking for a job (for what was probably a year or so), I just didn't try very hard. It was so frustrating and so time-consuming and so utterly self-esteem draining that it was hard to continue to put myself out there.

I think it might be possible that L might think that he doesn't have very many options and maybe is feeling a little down about only having a GED.




 Yes, yes, and yes.  Many people lack the motivation to get out of something they don't like unless they have something else in mind that they do like instead - something specific to move toward.  Leaving a stable job in a certain industry for no job in particular in no industry in particular is jumping off a very big cliff!

I think an open, nonjudgmental heart to heart is in order if he'd be receptive to it - I know it's hard to do when his job decisions have such an impact on your future, but finding out from him why exactly he's dragging his feet may help.   Another job is going to be just what he has now - maybe it would serve him better to figure out what his 'for keeps' job/career might be before proceeding.  Then he might be able to take a job that would help him gain appropriate experience and contacts that will help him later on.



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Marc Jacobs

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Metric, your SO sounds a lot my DH except that DH does not have a job.  I agree with a lot of what Elle says...

"Many people lack the motivation to get out of something they don't like unless they have something else in mind that they do like instead - something specific to move toward.  Leaving a stable job in a certain industry for no job in particular in no industry in particular is jumping off a very big cliff!"

Couldn't have said it better myself!  DH trade is in the construction business and he was great at this job and climbled up the ladder (no pun intended) pretty quickly and was making a lot of money.  Unfortunately there's nothing out there for him right now and he not motivated at all to move to another industry.  Even when he has tried he has no experience in the corporate world and when competing with hundreds applying for the same job, he doesn't get a call back.  

I've been nagging him for 5 months to just get his contractor's license and go out on his own or go take some PM classes in something that interests him.  I understand how frustrated you are, Im there! Finally after 5 months he finally signed up for evening classes, but like everyone said, it has to come from him.  Men are so stubborn! 



-- Edited by BargainQueen at 18:38, 2009-03-06

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Gucci

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Thanks you guys. 

-- Edited by Metric on Wednesday 25th of March 2009 11:08:46 PM

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Hermes

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Metric wrote:

I'm just sad that SO isn't eager to get a better job to make a better future for "us". Honestly, it makes me look at him in a different way and I start to doubt whether we have a future together. Why should I have to hold his hand and find him a job? I'm not his mother. He's 30 years old, its time to grow up. 30 may be the new 20 but its not the new 12.


But do you know why?  I know we can't see what's really going on like you can and don't have the whole story, but I think it's unfair to him to discount him as lazy.  If he's unwilling to open up to you and tell you what's up after taking a good look at himself and his motivations, you can't drag it out of him - but that's a flaw in self-awareness and communication that can be worked on overtime between you.  Ask questions if he won't/can't come out and say it - Do you feel stuck because you don't know what you want to do?  Do you feel like it's pointless because you feel like you can't compete?  Are you afraid you'll hate the next job worse than this one? Keep going until you get a "Well, sorta ..." or something and go from there.

It may not fix the problem, but it could help you understand where he's coming from a little bit more so at least it feels like you're on the same page again.  Then, maybe feeling like you're on his side and there to listen/help will encourage him to put some things in motion ...

 



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Gucci

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NM



-- Edited by Metric at 12:59, 2009-03-12

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Kate Spade

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Thats great that you were able to talk it out and have a better resolution

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Marc Jacobs

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Metric wrote:

A big part of things is that my family doesn't like SO and doesn't think he's good enough for me.  I feel like if he had a better job, not necessarily more money even but something that isn't looked down upon like restaurant jobs are, thats one less thing that we'd have to hear about from my parents. That's my family though. They are d-bags.



This good-enough shit really bothers me. It's so f*cking discriminating to say that just because somebody has a good job than they are a better person. I've known lots of really asshole doctors and lots of really fantastic sales clerks. The job does not make the man. Christ, Metric, L treats you so much better than C ever did and I'm sure that C was viewed as having a better job, right? I'm pissed for you.

Anyway, I'm glad that L recognized some things, even if you did have to freak out about it. Just remember, it's really hard for some people to ask for help on things. I think sometimes that people with less of an education feel really inadequate around people with more education. My sister, who has her HS diploma and a nursing licence, does sometimes feel really stupid around her sister's who have graduate degrees. She's actually really smart but because she didn't do any college, she feels worthless sometimes. Also, she wants to go back to school and take some classes but she is absolutely terrified. Her HS experience was completely awful and, to be perfectly honest, she probably didn't really deserve/earn that diploma seeing as how her literacy skills are slightly lacking. She is really and truly scared of looking stupid and so puts off extra school to maybe earn a better nursing degree. Perhaps L is feeling some of that as well. Just think about how much harder it might be for a guy to admit to a girl that he doesn't know something!

 



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Chanel

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Good stuff up there. I think we're accustomed to men who strongly identify with their careers/trades as if they are an indication of who they are as humans. We feel like we know who that guy is when we hear he's a musician, banker, electrician, high school civics teacher, human rights attorney, mechanic, fireman.

But when we encounter a man who doesn't define himself through his job, we don't quite know how to process it...so we start to make judgments about his ambition, personality, or future. I think it's tougher on men than we realize sometimes.

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