STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

fairywings · Dooney & Bourke

Opposite Topic: Your friend vs. SO

Sandy · Kate Spade

I don't know... I think that unless my friend were bad for my well-being, my BF would never ask me not to hang out with her. He might tell me that he doesn't want to hang out with her, but he wouldn't ask me not to. In fact, I'd probably tell him to screw if he did. Don't get me wrong... I don't know why your SO made that request, and he could be completely justified. My friend asked her husband to stop hanging out with his friend a couple of years ago. He said no. Now he's in jail because of said friend. She was justified in her request. It's good that you were honest with her, but unless she was really bad for you, I feel really badly for her. I think it depends on the history of the friendship, but she's probably feeling confused and hurt that you chose your SO over her.

So, in a nutshell... I guess it depends on the circumstances.

Elle · Hermes

I agree with Sandy, entirely.

Kelly · Hermes

Sandy wrote:
I think that unless my friend were bad for my well-being, my BF would never ask me not to hang out with her. He might tell me that he doesn't want to hang out with her, but he wouldn't ask me not to. In fact, I'd probably tell him to screw if he did.

ITA.

BF isn't a fan of one of my friends. He's never asked me to stop hanging out with her, but I know he'd prefer that I didn't see her. He's said right-out that he doesn't like her and is afraid I'll be influenced by her or change because of her. But I haven't, and won't, end my friendship with her. I don't think it's reasonable to do that when there's no good reason for it - she's not a bad person, we just have wildly different views on many things, and different priorities in life. I realize those things about her, which is why we're not best friends or super close, but she's great if I need a shopping buddy, or someone to catch a drink with, or just have a "girls night" eating ice cream and watching a movie.

I can see how your friend would be upset. I don't know the details, but it sounds like he just doesn't like her, enough to want you to end a friendship over it, so that's a personal insult to her. And she's upset about losing you. For no apparent reason (I mean, to you there's a reason why: you want SO to be happy. But maybe she doesn't see the reason that SO would ask you to do this).

And I think a lot of people have the idea that if you're not married to a person, they can't be that big of a priority and you should place other relationships first. But I think that's pretty backwards - if your boyfriend is a passing fancy, then no it doesn't make sense to make life-altering decisions based on him. But if your SO is someone you are commited to, someone you care about enough to make a priority in your life, someone you plan on spending the rest of your life (or at least a sizeable chunk of your life) with, then I think it definitely makes sense to put that relationship first. That doesn't make those tough decisions (like ending a friendship) easier or more fun, but it would be ridiculous not to make accomodations for the most important person in your life.

So I guess in sum, what I'm trying to say is: I don't see a solid reason for him to want you to end this friendship. But if ending this friendship is the best thing for you and/or your relationship, I think she'll grow to understand why you made the decision you made.

Edited because in my post-huge-brunch food coma, I was not making any sense :)

-- Edited by Kelly at 15:14, 2009-03-01

Suasoria · Chanel

fairywings wrote:

My SO hates one of my friends and made it very clear to me that he doesn't like me around her.

Does this mean "he doesn't like you hanging around her?"

Or he doesn't like who you turn into when you're around her?

If it's B, I've had almost that exact conversation with DH about one of my oldest friends. When A. comes over, we act like teenagers - totally silly and loud. We fight about politics, usually drink too much, reminisce about exes, and so on. I can't say that I blame him. Also, A. and I don't have a lot in common anymore, so he wonders what I see in her that makes me want to hang out with her.

So, I explained to DH what my friendship with A. means to me, how long we've nurtured it, how much she and I have experienced together, how much of a source of strength and comfort she is to me and vice-versa, etc. On the other hand, I understood his discomfort so I engineered my time with her a little more thoughtfully. I'll have her over when DH is away so she can't bother him, or invite her and her man over for dinner. If she asks me to tag along with her to some party or go out to a bar, I decline.

In your case, it's not that SO's wishes are more important than hers, it's that YOUR wishes are more important than hers. Your wishes are more important than SO's too. What I mean is you can't tell her you're dumping her because he said so - it was YOUR choice, and you have to own it.

If it wasn't your choice, and you're only doing it to appease him, well, that's a shame, and I agree with her. Like some mentioned, my DH is not allowed to tell me who I can and can't see.

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

Suasoria wrote:

fairywings wrote:

My SO hates one of my friends and made it very clear to me that he doesn't like me around her.

Does this mean "he doesn't like you hanging around her?"

Or he doesn't like who you turn into when you're around her?

Good question - I would ask him this.

fairywings · Dooney & Bourke

Thank you for your help ladies. I think that I figured out that SO felt that my friend wasn't treating me well. I realized that whenever I talked to him about her I was complaining how rude she was to me, and he formed an opinion based off of my complaints. I also figured out that if I feel that she is being so rude to me that I can't stand her anymore, I will be the one to take care of it and not because he wants me to. It's also so easy to change into somebody else when you are around them enough, and I think SO was worried that I was going to change because we've been spending so much time together. But all is well now...and it's a good thing because I avoid drama like the plague!