STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

Trouble supporting mom financially...

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Is there a free legal clinic? Most law schools and large cities have some sort of nonprofit organization offering low-cost or free services. If you're mom is home all day and not working, maybe this could be something for her to try to find?

Also, I think she's going to have to make some money. It's great that you guys have been helping her, and daycare is not cheap, so watching your niece is a big deal. (and may be contributing to the business problems, depending on how young a child she is). But she needs to have a steady source of income.

Suasoria · Chanel

Ach du lieber. Does she own or rent the place she's in now? Can she get a compatible roommate? Can she get paid to babysit other neighborhood kids when she is (or is not) watching her grandkid?

I have to say your brother is getting a lot of value out of his share from the regular babysitting. I can't imagine your SIL dislikes her too much or she wouldn't be so eager to get the bargain childcare. I know people who pay half their annual salary for full-time childcare, but of course you can't put a price on 'grandma love.'

You mention your brother's family is increasing - is there another kid on the way? Will your mom be expected to watch that one full-time too?

HeatherLynn · Gucci

Suasoria wrote:

I have to say your brother is getting a lot of value out of his share from the regular babysitting. I can't imagine your SIL dislikes her too much or she wouldn't be so eager to get the bargain childcare. I know people who pay half their annual salary for full-time childcare, but of course you can't put a price on 'grandma love.'

I agree! I know you are paying half because she is your mom and you want to help, but your brother is getting a really good deal out of this!

I second the free legal work. Legal Aid is one that she might check into. It would at least give you/her a starting point on what to do next.

As far as getting a job, are there any stores/restaurants/etc in the area within walking distance where she could apply for a part time job?

Hermes

First of all, you have my sympathy in the situation. It must be very difficult trying to wrap your head around what to do.

Is there anyway they can set your mother up in a mother-in-law apartment in their house? A small addition, or a basement that can accommodate a small kitchen and bath? I think your SIL needs to suck it up, and let her live there as a nanny... Your brother made a commitment to you and your mother, and she should stand behind him in that commitment. JMO, but then again, I have no idea what it's like to live with your mother.

greendiamond · Marc Jacobs

With your mom being unable to work legally, her way of earning is really limited. She could, for example, get a paper route. Granted it's not very glamourous, but you could be the one contracted on the route, and she could actually do the work. You would be paid, but could turn the check over to your mom. The only hiccup is that at tax time, the 1099 will be in your name, so it will affect your income. But, unless you can find contract work, I don't know an easy way around it.

Taking in neighborhood kids to babysit at the same time is also a good idea.

Kelly · Hermes

I definitely second the roommate idea. That could help a LOT and I don't see a good reason for her not to do it, especially if she lives in a house or a larger apartment.

Your brother needs to contribute more to her bills - he's getting free labor out of her essentially, and you're just throwing money getting nothing (concrete) in return while he basically takes advantage of you. If I remember correctly, you're still in college, right? Or fresh out? If so, and your brother has a family that he's planning on adding to, I'm guessing he has more money to contribute anyway. So even if he wasn't getting the babysitting out of it, I would expect him to contribute more (of course that is all based on my assumption that he has more money than you anyway).

Tati · Chanel

wow. I'm sorry to hear you all are going through this. I hope you can find a solution like finding her a roomate and her maybe becoming a babysitter and earning extra cash that way.
Now about her moving in with your brother,...if his wife dosen't like your mom then thats just a bad idea to begin with. Sucking it up like some others say is not so easy. They can be putting their marriage in jeapordy. Believe me...I've been there done that with my MIL and my parents too at one point. And this is being that we all love each other! But hey, thats just my opinion too :)

blubirde · Chanel

I third, fourth, whatever the idea of her doing babysitting. I'd imagine there would be a lot of people in her area (just a general guess) that would love to have a more personal daycare type of situation, especially if she's willing to charge less than other places. She might need to get CPR certified, or whatever else goes with babysitting these days, but it might make her enough extra money to take some of the financial strain off of you and your brother.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

Coincidentally, after I posted this I got into a huge fight w/mom after she fed my name, address and phone number "as a reference" to a bill collector that has been haunting her . When I expressed that she should have called me or googled the person before feeding them my info, she got very defensive and unapologetic. I told her I can't afford ANY MORE. It became a screaming fight.

It prompted a phone call w/the bro. I am going to try to get some weekend/night/freelance work. I am going to suggest this weekend that I contribute less to the rent. I've always felt as though it was unfair for me to contribute equally to the household considering that 1) I make less than him 2) I don't have a combined income and 3) our expenses are about the same. However I always felt guilty bc I felt that the extra money would limit his possibilities with his family.

My mom lives in a 1 brm so she can't have roommates.. We have sometimes looked for other apartments or rooming situations, but the results were scarce and often not that much cheaper. I think I will stress the need for her to do babysitting work on the side, and now that you mention it, she is CPR certified!

It just gets so overwhelming and frustrating when you have to put your foot down on someone you love, especially when I wish I could give more. I just don't feel appreciated and I am unable to save a dime with this current plan.

Thanks for the ideas and thoughts.. I will keep you all posted.

Kelly · Hermes

XtinaStyles wrote:

However I always felt guilty bc I felt that the extra money would limit his possibilities with his family.

Don't feel guilty about this. If she's watching his child, it sounds like he's already saving a bundle on childcare. He's getting a better deal out of this than you, and you know he has more funds to begin with.

-- Edited by ttara123 at 22:54, 2009-02-04

carmenb513 · Coach

can she for work as an au pair?I hope this does not sound abrupt. Now hearing this whole bill collector thing, does she realize the seriousness of the situation?I would be searching day and nite for how I'm going to ease the burden on my fam.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

She can't work as an aupair or nanny... She watches my niece 3 days a week (at least) while my sis-in-law goes to school and works parttime. Its weird bc she feels as though if she is no longer able to work for them at their every whim, that my bro will stop paying her rent. However, she does nothing for me (as in saving me money or time) and doesn't worry that I won't stop paying her rent.

IN FACT I bought a camera off of a friend and gave it to my mom during Thanksgiving. She thanked me but later threw a hissyfit when I didn't want to install the software for it (she knows how to do this).

ALSO she didn't get me any Xmas present this year despite the fact that I gave her a lil extra $$$ for presents. She waited for the last minute said she "forgot" then I went out and went shopping for gifts FROM HER to everyone but me. She said she wanted to wait till she had more money to get me a nice present, I insisted she buy something cheap like a magazine. I later found out that she never purchased anything until I asked her about it Monday.

I'm beginning to see that maybe she's not the mother I want to see her as :(

Aurora · Marc Jacobs

That sounds like a tough position to be in. I know what it is like to want to help and be there for your parents/family but sometimes you do have to back away. I don't know what to suggest to help her get to a point where she can be financially dependent other than what has already been posted. One thing that wasn't mentioned and I see she works for your brother 3 days a week so she might have the time to clean houses. Many people do that as a way to earn extra money and lots of people pay in cash/under the table so it might work for her on those 2 free days a week.

Hermes

another idea is to just say, "I can no longer afford X amount. I can pay XX amount, but that's it. So either Brother picks up the difference that you can no longer pay, or Mom gets additional work baby sitting and house cleaning to help support herself."

I know what it feels like to discover that your mother is not who you envisioned her to be. I felt much less obligated to my mother after I made this discovery. Another problem was that my mother was so used to making me jump through passive-aggressive manipulation, that she thought there was something wrong with me when I would no longer play her game. While my perspective changed, my mother's did not. I guess you need to make the choice to put yourself first.

greendiamond · Marc Jacobs

Not only do I like what D suggested, may I suggest putting an "end date" on the amount of time you are willing to help support her....

Your brother is the one who promised to support her, not you. And, while it is admirable that you are willing to help her out, she needs to know that she is going to have to take some responsibility. Perhaps you can help her through the INS thing, and over the course of time give her less and less to help her be on her own.

relrel · Marc Jacobs

I'm sorry if I'm confused about the issue or this sounds harsh, but at the moment, the most important thing is to figure out your mom's legal status. Depending on where you live, there are always places that your mom can go to talk to somebody for free. In most large cities, (you live in/around NYC, right??) there are immigration non-profits set up to work through these type of issues. I may be missing some details, but if your mom hasn't become naturalized/citizen and doesn't have a work visa it's totally possible that she's actually not even allowed to be here because whatever visa/immigrant status she originally was on might not even be valid anymore. That needs to be straightened out immediately. I have several friends who aren't from the States and seeing what they have all gone through to work here, stay here, and live here I've realized that anytime you deal with somebody not born here, it's messy and completely easy to fall through the cracks and let a date slip by unnoticed. If your family and your mom hadn't realized that she's not actually a citizen, then there could be other problems. I mean, why did she think she was? It seems like it would be hard to forget going through the process of naturalization.

In the meantime, I think it might be time to just suck it up and be straight with your brother, his wife, and your mom. Your mom has no business telling a bill collector your info, that very well could mess your own credit up. It sounds like your whole family depends on you for a lot more than you should actually be responsible for. I know that it's really hard not to always say yes when family is concerned, but sometimes you have to draw the line and stop. If whatever you are giving to your mom/brother or doing for them is starting to negatively impact your life you need to stop it. If you can't help anymore than you are doing, than say so. It's really easy to slip into the passive-aggressive character with family members because you don't want to hurt them. I wonder if it's also possible that neither your brother nor your mother really truly realize the situation.

I'm sorry if this is all very harsh, I just get upset when I see people being taken advantage of by their family members, intentionally or not. Just because it's a family member does not mean that they can treat you any differently than a non-family member.

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

D wrote:

another idea is to just say, "I can no longer afford X amount. I can pay XX amount, but that's it. So either Brother picks up the difference that you can no longer pay, or Mom gets additional work baby sitting and house cleaning to help support herself."

Agreed. It allows both your mom and bro to know that you have a limit, and it stops enabling them to rely on you the way they are.

NCshopper · Hermes

It seems to me like a huge root of the problem is the fact that she's not a citizen here. And frankly, as long as that remains a fact, this problem is going to continue for you and your brother. I'd suggest getting her on a path to naturalization or some sort of status where she can work here and then get her a job, even if it's part time, so she can support herself more and eventually support herself completely. As long as this situation persists, it's going to continue to hold you back from everything you want.