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Post Info TOPIC: Venting...


Kate Spade

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Venting...
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n/m

-- Edited by Vanessa at 14:14, 2008-10-10

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Marc Jacobs

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Wow. Okay first I will say, it is good to vent. Secondly I will say, you are doing too much. V, I know what a big heart you have. You are one of the most generous people I have EVER met. You actually give TOO MUCH a lot of the time. That being said, perhaps you should give him some time to be with his family on the weekend so that they can grieve together and you can have your personal time (even if it is w/ Max and Molly). Perhaps that would give him the opportunity to get his head clear and take care of his personal issues. Everyone grieves differently, but I really think he is taking your generosity for granted and what he said to you about being single being easier is crap and it was totally thoughtless (JMO). At this point, I would suggest some much needed R&R for you. I would let you take Vinny to Hawaii, but you know G's rules, if he goes, you have to take us toowink.gif.

Seriously, maybe you should just stay home this weekend. We are having a birthday party for Vinny on Saturday at G and M's parents' house. You should come and bring the kids. It would be a crazy pug party!!biggrin.gif

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Marc Jacobs

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When I read this, I thought of two pieces of insight/advice given to me:

First, and I swear to God these are like the wisest words of wisdom I have ever received in my life, from our very own Dizzy on the forum:

WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE YOU JUST WANT TO HOLD ON TO HIM FOR DEAR LIFE, THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO STEP BACK AND LET GO.

This does NOT mean break up or give up, just let go. He can feel you holding on and it's only going to make him feel suffocated. So chill out. Relax. Go for a walk, take some me time. Let him come to you. And just trust that he will.

Second, from an in real life guy friend:

WHENEVER ONE PERSON DOES ALL THE GIVING FOR TOO LONG, SOMETHING'S BOUND TO SNAP.

No matter what the other person in the relationship is going through--death, custody issues, market crashing, whatever, if one person is giving giving giving the whole dynamic of the relationship changes and becomes unbalanced.  The person "receiving" starts to take things for granted, then feel guilty for taking things for granted, and then resentful for being made to feel guilty when they have so much other life stuff going on. 

And the "giving" person starts to feel desperate and give even more, and then resentful, and then guilty for feeling resentful.  Honestly, this cycle of guilt/resentment is just soo difficult to take, for even the strongest relationship.  Imo, the only way to prevent this cycle is to set limits and stick to them, even when every bone in your body just wants to step in and solve it all. 

Good luck good luck and good luck and vent whenever you need!

Oh and take Farrah up on her offer, you are lucky to have a friend like her!

-- Edited by esquiress at 18:31, 2008-10-09

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Marc Jacobs

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esquiress wrote:



WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE YOU JUST WANT TO HOLD ON TO HIM FOR DEAR LIFE, THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO STEP BACK AND LET GO.


Ugh so true.  So so true.  Nothing you do, like feeding the puppies or making dinner could make him feel better.  He is probably not even thinking about things like that so he is blind to all of the efforts you are putting in.

Just give it time and feel free to vent, sometimes it really helps.

 



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Chanel

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I think taking a weekend off is a good idea. He needs some space and you need some too. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? Being invited to a pug party is the perfect excuse to stay home.

People all deal with grief very differently, so I'd probably allow him to have his however he wants to, and it sounds like that's alone. If his grief turns abusive or offensive, and maybe you've had a taste of that, then I think it's fair to say something like 'I know you're going through a lot right now, but I'm not the villain.'



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Kate Spade

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Thanks ladies - actually we have a wedding this weekend so we'll be staying here.  But I think I will stay behind the next time, and/or just try to give him more space. 

I feel a lot better today.  Yesterday I was having a bad day due to that, and other reasons, and I also let PMS get the better of me....
We also talked a little last night and I just mentioned that I knew this was extremely hard for him but that I am here for him, that it is hard for me too - that I didn't know what to do exactly.  He admitted that he has been really out of it, and feeling like the center of his life is now gone.  He was extremely close to his mom.  He said he loves me and I'm important to him & that he appreciates everything I do.  But that right now he felt depressed and his focus was not with us.   That's all I really needed to hear, really, for now.  All's well.  Thanks for your input :)



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Marc Jacobs

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I'd forgotten I said that about the urge to cling, Esquiress smile.gif but it's been very, very true in my life. I love your guy friend's description of the resentment cycle! So perceptive.

Anyway, good luck Vanessa! I'm glad things are settling down.

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