STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Hillary Bynum · Nine West

Advice Needed Re Marriage Finances

Farrah · Marc Jacobs

Actually in most states the primary beneficiary on your accounts legally has to be your spouse. Honestly though, I can see his point, I would be really upset if my SO named his mom instead of me as the beneficiary. I also think that you need to be pro-active and fill out your name change paperwork yourself. You are an adult after all. I would never expect my SO to do that kind of stuff for me. JMO.

Kelly · Hermes

I've never been married, so take that for what it's worth, but if I were married I would think like your husband. I think he's right that it's the point of the thing that he is your husband but you still defaulted to someone else. And honestly, I still don't really get why you haven't changed it to his name, since you said that your mom doesn't even need the money. I can't really see any reason you gave for why you didn't name him.

I'm not articulating myself very well here (cold meds, I'm kinda groggy!) but my point is that I agree with him that I would expect you to name him, and seeing as there's no real reason you haven't (your mom doesn't need the money, etc) I don't see why you haven't. If I were him, I'd be hurt.

HeatherLynn · Gucci

I agree with the other girls.

Elle · Hermes

Regardless of financial dependency, the money invested during the course of the marriage should stay within that marriage if something were to happen to one of you. If you were to die I'd assume it would be your husband's responsibility to make arrangements for you and take care of whatever possesions you had (cars and such) and therefore the money should go to him to help deal with those expenses and/or to help him pick up the pieces of his life. I think it's generally assumed that if you're marrying someone you know they'd have your best interests and wishes at heart and would be the person who'd be most likely to know what those ever-changing interests/wishes were. Also, our accounts require that we have a secondary beneficiary, in the case that we both died together or that we die after our spouse but before we could change our beneficiary. I think it would be appropriate to name your mother there.I don't quite understand about the name changing issue - it's name. If you want to change it, do it yourself. If you don't want to change it, don't but be upfront about why. If it's not important enough to you to figure out how to do it, there's nothing wrong with keeping your name as is, but I think your husband deserves to know the truth about your feelings on the subject.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

Farrah wrote:
Actually in most states the primary beneficiary on your accounts legally has to be your spouse. Honestly though, I can see his point, I would be really upset if my SO named his mom instead of me as the beneficiary. I also think that you need to be pro-active and fill out your name change paperwork yourself. You are an adult after all. I would never expect my SO to do that kind of stuff for me. JMO.

ITA - I could understand your motives if mom was struggling for money but you said thats not the case.

Combined with your procrastination of changing your name and the fact that you want him to do it for you.. makes me curious about what else is lingering... you seem kind of aloof about the impression you may be giving.

Hillary Bynum · Nine West

As for the name change, dont you think its something that he should look into and then tell me what to do? Am I expected to review our marriage certificate or go and google how to do all this? Can't he just be ambitious (he is a lawyer) and get everything prepared and then have me sign?

As for the beneficiary thing, I just am curious why its such a big deal to him. He hasnt set up any joint accounts yet. I'm not saying I'll do it only if he does that but again, I think he has certain items that he said he'd handle and hasnt...

Elle · Hermes

Hillary Bynum wrote:

As for the name change, dont you think its something that he should look into and then tell me what to do? Am I expected to review our marriage certificate or go and google how to do all this? Can't he just be ambitious (he is a lawyer) and get everything prepared and then have me sign?

As for the beneficiary thing, I just am curious why its such a big deal to him. He hasnt set up any joint accounts yet. I'm not saying I'll do it only if he does that but again, I think he has certain items that he said he'd handle and hasnt...

Why should he look into it? Legally, changing your name has nothing to do with you getting married. It's not like it's terribly difficult - I just googled 'name change mystate' - for me, it was a printed form and a copy of our marriage certificate that needed to be sent in. They send it back, and you go around to each of the different places (SS office, DMV, etc) and change your name with them. It's not something that he could do the marjority of, regardless of who's 'job' it is. It's still your decision, since it's your name - if you don't feel like changing it, just don't. If it's something that's important to you, I don't see why you feel so put upon to figure it out yourself ...?

As for the accounts thing, it sounds like you're being a bit passive aggressive holding the beneficiary thing over his head as a bargaining chip. That kind of behavior is the cause of the few fights we've had in our marriage, and it's just not a very nice way to treat anyone, especially your husband, much less a new husband!

Have you guys ever been to counseling together? It sounds like you have different ideas about things and are having a hard time communicating in a way that the other person understands. An impartial third party would be able to help you see eye to eye on these issues and give you tools for figuring out future issues, too.

Hillary Bynum · Nine West

I guess you are right Elle. He's asked me to go to marriage counseling with him but I dont think it's anything that can provide amazing insight. There's a lot more to it that these two items but all in all, we have our good days and we have our really bad days. I think that all of the problems we've encoutered are things he can avoid himself - I can private you them if you are interested. Nevertheless, I've never lived away from home (with the exception of a 4 month apartment with a roommate while in undergrad). This is like his 10th place since he went to college, law school, etc so he's more suited to help with the transition. I would expect that he provides me with a certain level of transition, tolerance, understanding, etc. which he does to a certain degree. However, there are things that I dont want to think about (i.e. bills, mortgage, insurances, and all those everyday items - those are his responsibilties to keep in check) which he happily handles. He also tells me that he 'expects' me to make him dinner when he comes home from work in the evenings (about 2 or 3 times a week) and if he's available to help he will, but if he's not, he's not. I dont like that and think he should not 'expect' anything from me. He didnt marry a maid/nanny. I dont know - I'm rambling now. Sorry

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

"Am I expected to review our marriage certificate or go and google how to do all this?"

Yes. You are expected to do exactly that. Depending on your state, it should take, at most, a short visit to have a new social security card issued. Then you call every account you own and update your information.

"Can't he just be ambitious (he is a lawyer) and get everything prepared and then have me sign?"

Why should he?

I don't know the situation, but based on your comments above, he may be making a big deal out of this situation because he's losing patience with you on issues like this. His perspective could be, "I asked for ONE THING. It's not a big deal (your mom doesn't need the money and you are married) But she won't just fill out a piece of paper..."

I'm not that great at paperwork either. I hate doing it. But it's a fact of life. I'm not sure why you are insisting that you not have to do any paperwork. Perhaps there's more to the story. Based on what you've written here, though, I think it might be time to just do it.

Update: Interestingly enough, you posted while I was writing the above answer. I'm curious as to why you equated his doing all your paperwork as "Helping you with the transition" and "His responsibility to keep in check," and you making dinner as, "He didn't marry a maid/nanny."

I agree that you don't owe him dinner. But he doesn't owe you paperwork duties, either. These are things you guys need to work out between yourselves, based on capabilities, preferences and so on. If you're totally at odds, and staking out such extreme positions, over something like a name change, then that's not good. How will you decide more important issues, such as health care in an emergency, or long-term financial planning, or whatever, if you're fighting like this over dinner and a legal beneficiary form? Counseling might be a good idea, if for no other reason than to talk about the way you talk to each other. Because this sounds really unpleasant.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 17:24, 2008-10-06

Luv2Shop · Kate Spade

I agree with everything Elle said. What I want to add is "Welcome to married life sister" When you said "why doensn't my husband just prepare this and then give it to me to sign when it's ready" I almost fell of my chair laughing. I have come to live by the "If I don't do it myself, it won't get done" motto. I love my husband to death, but he isn't the best at handling important tasks unless I hand hold him through it/remind him over and over. The idea that he would handle my tasks as well as his own is laughable.

But what I have come to realize over the years (we've been married for 4) is that even if he would, I don't WANT him to! You hear all these stories about women who's husbands pass away unexpectedly and they can't do anything for themselves and have no idea how to handle their finances/bills/household. You need to EMPOWER yourself!! I'm not sure how old you are, but if you are old enough to be married you are old enough to do things for yourself weather you are married or single. If you rely on your man to do everything for you you are going to be really upset someday when you are stuck and he can't help you, or god forbid, something happens to him. Don't be one of those women, take charge and own up to adult responsabilities. We don't all like it, but we have to do it, it's part of growing up and being a strong indepentant woman! If you are a stront independant woman and you have a good man, you're doing alright for yourself!!

As for the beneficiary thing, yea, my DH would have freaked too. You are married now, it's time to take your parents out of the equation.

Hillary Bynum · Nine West

Thank you Dizzy. I'm just having a tough time I guess. I'm confident we can get through all of these things together.

Quick question for Luv2shop, how do you guys handle the dinner thing, the laundry thing, etc. Do you work? I work until about 515 and get home at about 545. He'll get home closer to 7 (he leaves at 730 usually and I leave at 820). Is it my responsibility to make sure he has clean socks, warm food, etc. or are these things that are 100% a 50/50 duty?

He got upset at me the other day because he said that if he never said anything, I'd go my whole life without asking him about his dry-cleaning for work (he handles it himself) and doesnt ask me to do it - but he did say that its funny that I had no idea about his dry-cleaning or had no desire to ask him how he's handling that. THat's not my responsibility is it? Then he got mad at me because I asked him why he didnt ask me if I had any dry-cleaning when he took his stuff down there...

I think counseling may be in order...

Elle · Hermes

Hillary Bynum wrote:

I think counseling may be in order...

Yeah, if anything just to mediate your conversations - it sounds like you have a loooot of things that need discussing! As for who is resonsible for what - I say everybody and nobody. There are no cut and dry lines, every couple has to figure those out for themselves, based on schedules and skills, like Dizzy said. I'm going to venture a guess that you are relatively young and DH is older than you by the description you've given, which can complicate things in some situations. It doesn't sound like either of you is respecting the other in your actions and expectations right now, and both of your opinions are equally important. His doesn't 'trump' yours because he's older, or is 'the husband' or has more experience, and vice versa. It also sounds like you had a relatively short engagement and maybe didn't live together before hand, which is when many people (myself included) works out all these kinks.

I'd be happy to chat w/you via pm if that makes you more comfortable . The early-but-serious part of any relationship is an adjustment, so don't be too hard on yourself.

NCshopper · Hermes

Hillary Bynum wrote:
However, there are things that I dont want to think about (i.e. bills, mortgage, insurances, and all those everyday items - those are his responsibilties to keep in check) which he happily handles.

I think I found the problem. I hate to sound harsh, but it sounds like you need to grow up. There are a lot of things in life we don't want to do and don't like to do, but you have to do them anyway. You can't just bury your head in the sand and hope for someone else to deal with life's unpleasantness: it's part of being an adult. I know you've only lived away from home for 4 months and that's probably contributing to this, but you need to be able to do some of these things without him holding your hand or doing it for you. It's part of being an adult and it's part of being able to take care of yourself if anything should happen to him.

Cortney1982 · Chanel

I think you should listen to your husband more! He definitely should be the beneficiary on your account. From what I'm reading here, his counceling suggestion is a great idea. You have about 2 hours less of work time than he has so I would use that time to do things for him. I think he would appreciate it and you'd feel good for doing something nice for him. Of course 100% of the household responsibilities shouldn't be yours, they should be divided up since you are both working.

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

NCshopper wrote:

Hillary Bynum wrote:
However, there are things that I dont want to think about (i.e. bills, mortgage, insurances, and all those everyday items - those are his responsibilties to keep in check) which he happily handles.
I think I found the problem. I hate to sound harsh, but it sounds like you need to grow up. There are a lot of things in life we don't want to do and don't like to do, but you have to do them anyway. You can't just bury your head in the sand and hope for someone else to deal with life's unpleasantness: it's part of being an adult. I know you've only lived away from home for 4 months and that's probably contributing to this, but you need to be able to do some of these things without him holding your hand or doing it for you. It's part of being an adult and it's part of being able to take care of yourself if anything should happen to him.

Totally agree. Besides, it is empowering to know that you are able to take care of these things as well. It will also help make your marriage one that is much more balanced if both of you are dealing with the unpleasent things in life - together.

ILoveChoo · Hermes

NCshopper wrote:
Hillary Bynum wrote:
However, there are things that I dont want to think about (i.e. bills, mortgage, insurances, and all those everyday items - those are his responsibilties to keep in check) which he happily handles.
I think I found the problem. I hate to sound harsh, but it sounds like you need to grow up. There are a lot of things in life we don't want to do and don't like to do, but you have to do them anyway. You can't just bury your head in the sand and hope for someone else to deal with life's unpleasantness: it's part of being an adult. I know you've only lived away from home for 4 months and that's probably contributing to this, but you need to be able to do some of these things without him holding your hand or doing it for you. It's part of being an adult and it's part of being able to take care of yourself if anything should happen to him.

ditto. And I second the counselling bit.

From what I'm reading here, it sounds like you want him to be responsible for a LOT (and a lot of things that imo really aren't his problem to deal with) and you don't want to do much of anything. Marriage has to be a partnership. We can't tell you who should be responsible for what, becuase that is something that you need to work out between yourselves. But you need to talk about it! You can't just assume that he knows he "should" be doing x, just becasue thats what you want him to do! And even if he is the one who handles the bills, you should know what your financial situation is and have at least minimum involvement in it.

As for the beneficiary thing, I don't understand why you wouldn't put him as yours. Sure you keep seperate accounts. Fine. But there are going to be major joint purchases down the road, if not already, and it seems only fair to make sure that your spouse will be able to survuve financially if something were to happen to you. Marriage is about building your life together...not building seperate lives under the same roof. He's you husband, not your father.

Luv2Shop · Kate Spade

Hillary Bynum wrote:

Quick question for Luv2shop, how do you guys handle the dinner thing, the laundry thing, etc. Do you work? I work until about 515 and get home at about 545. He'll get home closer to 7 (he leaves at 730 usually and I leave at 820). Is it my responsibility to make sure he has clean socks, warm food, etc. or are these things that are 100% a 50/50 duty?

I think counseling may be in order...

Yes, I do work and so does my husband. We both get home at the same time and he does usually assume I am going to make dinner. I also take care of the bills, laundry, and dishes/most cleaning. The only things he really takes care of are the garbage and the yardwork. Do I think this is fair, not really. There are days when I get really worked up about it, usually the days that there is a lot to do at home and it's all I can think about on my way home from work. It frustrates me that he never really thinks about any of it and assumes I will take care of it. How do we get over it? Communication. Also, me reminding myself that that's who he was when I married him. It's not his personality to want everything to be clean and tidy like it is mine. If I really want help with those things, I try to ask him in a way that isn't nagging, and he'll usually do it. Otherwise, I accept the fact that there aren't really a lot of men out there who take care of all the household duties. And if there are, that's fine, I married my husband because I love him and I take the small list of cons with all the pros.

My advice, talk to eachother, be open about your feelings and your expectations, maybe decide on a day of the week that you can both take on some household tasks so neither of you feel like it's all on your shoulders. Pump up some music and make a to do list. I find that when we do things together, it doesn't seem as much like housework, more like bonding. When he is paying bills or taking care of more of the paperwork stuff, get involved, ask questions. Share things and responsabilities, it will take time, but good communication will help grow and shape your marriage into a good one.
Good luck!!

FashionPrincess · Hermes

I agree with a lot of what has been said, but I also wanted to add that it sounds to me like your hubby wants to know that you want to take care of him, not that you have to or are obligated to but because you care about him.

Luv2Shop · Kate Spade

FashionPrincess wrote:

I agree with a lot of what has been said, but I also wanted to add that it sounds to me like your hubby wants to know that you want to take care of him, not that you have to or are obligated to but because you care about him.

TOTALLY AGREE!! I forgot to say that in my rambling before. I don't mind doing a lot of the cooking/cleaning as long as my DH acknowledges it once and a while, I like feeling appreciated and I'm sure you and your DH probably would too. Again, communication!