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Coach

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feeling trapped and depressed...anyone relate?
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Just had to get this out, for some reason, it's not new information, but it's been especially bothering me lately.

Since 1999, I have been married to a man who, although he has a magnetic personality and "thousands of fans" who think he's golden, he also has a horrible temper, a nasty habit of speaking down to me, becomes physically threatening and who has also been caught in questionable infidelity situations that short of hiring a private detective, I was unable to find out exactly what happened.  The biggest problem of course is the verbal abuse, because it happens most often.

I have two young children by him, pregancies that occurred when I was "white knuckling it" through denial and martyrdom when my marriage was still something I wanted to forgive and work on.  I was hurt by what he's done to me and continued to do, but I thought maybe this was normal early years of marital problems and that someday he would "get it" and change.

Sometime last year, after the attachment baby-mommy hormones wore off, I realized that I no longer have romantic love my husband, feel completely indifferent to him, not even bitter anymore, and want out of this relationship, not at all interested in fixing it anymore after all the effort I had put in.  But because I had babies and was a stay-at-home-mom who is financially dependent on my husband, I knew I wouldn't leave right away.  Part of me naively thought I could endure this long enough to finish college, but I only go part time and I have since decided that life is just too short to wait on that day.  Not to mention, it's extremely difficult to focus on school when ending this relationship is eating at me constantly.  Now, my youngest is two and becoming less and less of a baby every day.  The real possibility ending this thing is becoming clearer by the day.

I have a very close girlfriend who knows everything that has went on, she says, "It's like the book has already been written, the last chapter is done, but you just haven't sent the book to the publisher."

So that said, I just wanted to express here that I am having one of those days where I can't believe I am here, so unhappy, with 9 years of marriage, unable to pick up the phone and find an attorney.  I don't even know the first step!  Or how in the world this works for a stay-at-home-mom who hasn't worked in 4 years.  I am terribly afraid of financial insecurity, losing my home, afraid that a judge might think I am just some pathetic nag who deserved this, afraid of my husband's parents (who are moderately affluent, btw), and also ashamed that I have allowed this to fester while I hemmed and hawed, and continue to do so, wondering what I should do.

But I know it's coming, I am compelled to take action like I have never been before.  But I have been unhappy for a long time, I just hope I am not still in the same place six months from now.

-- Edited by blink at 11:14, 2008-09-08

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Alegria


Kate Spade

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I can relate to most of what you are saying. I am now the product of a failed marriage and although I have a career(teacher), things have been financially difficult. I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way and going through such tough times. I don't have too much advice other than to put your fears aside and do what is best for you and the children. I think you may agree with me that being in this toxic relationship is not ideal. Fear is what holds so many of us back in so many different ways. Hopefully you have a strong support system that can help you throught this. Please let me know if you want to talk more about this. I am really worried about you. You are in an unhealthy situation and I want you to come out a better person for all this. Be strong! I know you can be.

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KaffeeKlatsch


Marc Jacobs

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Sending you the best hugs I have...since I can easily imagine how you feel, having been through a great deal of similiar nonsense. My best advice is don't let fear, anxiety or shame rule your life and prevent you from taking the steps that would improve your situation.

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KaffeeKlatsch


Marc Jacobs

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And ps...some more solid advice...look into legal aid and call your county job and family services for info on single parenting and support groups.

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Kenneth Cole

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I could have written your post, only I left him in March of last year. It can be done and you will feel so much better once you finally do it.

I strongly advise you consult a lawyer before you do anything. Stash some cash (as much as you can) and if you both own the house DON'T LEAVE IT. Make him leave and you stay there with the kids.

A lawyer will be able to tell you what to expect as far as child support and alimony go. It's a rough road but sooooo worth it in the end.

My thoughts are with you!!!

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Daylily


Nine West

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ugh, what a tough place to be in. I'm proud of you though, for realizing that this is truly no longer worth your time and that you deserve something better (and also that you did make an effort to begin with! no one can say you didn't give it your best!) I don't know much about family law, but I do think I can safely tell you that while it will be difficult, as you said, having been out of the job market, with his family, etc, it will be much better than wasting more of your time in an empty marriage once you've realized it's over.
You can do it!!!

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Suasoria


Chanel

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(((Hugs))). I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. You are definitely NOT alone. In fact my BFF's situation is/was almost identical - your husband sounds eerily like hers.

You can start squirreling away a little money now. If you use your ATM card or write checks at the grocery store, ask for cash back - $20 or $40 or whatever won't be noticed. Most men don't question the grocery bills. If you use credit cards for purchases, get cash if you return things. Ebay old clothes or other unneeded items. Friends and neighbors might pay you to babysit on days when you're home.

But I suspect an attorney will tell you that how you support yourself and the kids is not your problem, it's his problem, because it's his responsibility. And you can be sure that he'll get the best attorney his family's money can buy, so do start researching - maybe over the phone so there isn't an Internet trail.

When the time comes, you can get a kick-out-of-the-house temporary restraining order. His verbal abuse should be enough to justify it, but again, this is an area where legal advice will be needed.

Finally, I'll leave you with a little joke:

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!



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