STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

beachgirl · Kenneth Cole

How Long Would You Date Someone

Elle · Hermes

I've been together with my fiance for 8.5 years, and we've been engaged and living together for 2.5 of those years. We are just now starting to plan the wedding!

I guess we feel like we don't need a piece of paper or witnesses to know that we're going to be together forever, that's why we're taking our time. Frankly, I wouldn't be uncomfortable never getting married - even if we have children. Both of us want 'the wedding' though, so that's mostly why we're doing it.

Have you talked with your BF about this at all? He might be more open to it than you think, and then at least you'll feel better knowing where you both stand on the subject.

Hermes

studies have shown that those people who get married within the first two years of their relationship have greater odds of having a successful marriage. It has something to do with entering into the commitment while people are still in somewhat *best behavior* mode - basically entering into the commitment with a fresher relationship mindset lays a better marriage foundation. Not to say that marriages that are entered into beyond the two year mark cannot be successful, it's just that you have a better chance of success if it's under that two year mark. I also know people who are divorced having gotten married within the 1st 2 years and people who got married after 10 years who are still together.

Relationships are unique and what is right for one may not be right for another. I'd try to find some back-up info for you - but to be honest, I just don't have time right now... Just tossing out some food for thought on the subject.

-- Edited by detroit at 17:10, 2005-02-02

crystal · Kate Spade

that's really interesting detroit! i've never been w/ someone longer than 6months but 2 yrs. has always been my magic # that i'd want to be engaged by. i think somewhere in the 2nd year i'd want to be proposed to & then wait another year b4 the actual wedding. sorry i'm not much help, i've had 1000's of relationships, but none all that serious!

lynnie · Chanel

I think it also depends on how old you are now. I am only 21 so even though I've been in a relationship for 2 years I am not expecting a proposal right now. When you get older, I think the 2 year rule may hold more true (in general, not always).

crystal · Kate Spade

ooh, i second lynnie... i'm 23 and 1/2 (yes, i still say half!) & when i was younger i definitely thought i'd be w/ someone for many years if i was gonna marry them since i was so young, now that i'm almost 24 "which is almost 25 which is almost mid twenties" (-jessica simpson) the 2 year plan sounds more reasonable.

RyanJ · Coach

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over five years. I just turned 23, so I am no where ready to get married. We will get married, just not anytime soon. I don't really want to get married till I am around 28, so we could potentially be dating for about 10 years. I would actually like to put it off as long as I can. He would probably get married now, but I am not ready.

-- Edited by RyanJ at 21:18, 2005-02-02

Joina · Kenneth Cole

That's so funny. well, I'm 28 and have been with my bf for 3.5 years and living together for the past year.

My bf is 33 and we have talked about marriage a few times. IMO, we both know that we will eventually get married (we are perfect for each other) so there has never been a rush to the altar. However to be completely honest, the older you get the more rushed you feel, and I think a lot of it has to do with what other's tell you (parents and family wanting you to get married)...

Collette · Chanel

My fiance and I were engaged somewhere into our 2 and a 1/2 mark. But I am 28 and he's 40 so there is a bit of a difference because we are both much older. Okay he's much older but still. I insisted I would wait no longer then a 2 years but it was closer to 3 and I'm glad we waited.

Talk to him about it. I was the same way, completely miserable about us not being engaged and we fought about it all the time. It's best just to lay it all out on the table.

beachgirl · Kenneth Cole

I have talked to him about it quite a bit, and I think at this point, the more I talk about it, the longer he's going to put it off! One reason I'm feeling rushed I think is actually because of his age. He's 35 and I'm 24. I wouldn't mind waiting to get married I think if I were dating somebody younger, but, I just feel like at 35 he should want to get married, especially since he wants to have kids soon, according to him. I guess I'm just confused. He's told me that he has a plan, but he just won't let me know what that is, everytime I ask, he just tells me not to worry about it and that we're just not ready yet. And everytime I ask for a timeframe he'll give a vague answer, like within a year. I know it will happen eventually, I just wish I knew when!

lsubatgirl · Gucci

I am coming up on year 5 with my guy in a few days. I didn't think when I was younger (like 18) I would want to date someone this long with out being engaged/married but I happened to meet him when I was 18 and I always wanted to finish school first and then get married. So I'm graduating this semester and he's graduating next year and we are going to discuss the whole marriage thing this fall/winter. We're both kinda tired of waiting since 5 years feels like forever.but we are happy we are waiting till after we graduate.

blubirde · Chanel

quote:
Originally posted by: beachgirl
"I have talked to him about it quite a bit, and I think at this point, the more I talk about it, the longer he's going to put it off! One reason I'm feeling rushed I think is actually because of his age. He's 35 and I'm 24. I wouldn't mind waiting to get married I think if I were dating somebody younger, but, I just feel like at 35 he should want to get married, especially since he wants to have kids soon, according to him. I guess I'm just confused. He's told me that he has a plan, but he just won't let me know what that is, everytime I ask, he just tells me not to worry about it and that we're just not ready yet. And everytime I ask for a timeframe he'll give a vague answer, like within a year. I know it will happen eventually, I just wish I knew when!"

Are you my roommate? You sound like you're going through the exact same thing she went through about a year ago. She finally laid down the law with him. She told him that if he didn't want to move forward in their relationship, she needed to know because she wasn't going to waste more time on him. He assured her he wanted to move forward, so she put a "freshness date," if you will. She said that the issue was obviously with him so if he didn't want to get married in one year's time (meaning they weren't engaged or ring shopping or seriously talking about it, etc.), she was gone. Guess what? She's engaged and getting married in October. There was a lot of drama in between, of course, but that was her doing. Lay it on the table and then leave it alone. The more you pick at it, the more it will seem forced, if it happens at all. Especially if he says he has a plan. He probably does. Give him the timetable and let it go. The ball will be in his court and you'll have your answer in whatever amount of time you gave him.

Good luck!

sfclinevandy · Coach

I think it varies for everybody. My ex (we broke up in November) and I were together 3 years and lived together the last year. He was ready to get marry but I was nervous... I always told him if tried to give me a ring I would throw it back at him. I don't know if it was him or the idea of getting married.

I think it also depends where you are in your life. My ex was older then me (I'm 24, he's 27) and almost all of his friends are married so he's in that stage of his life. None of my close friends are married (several have been engaged and called off the wedding, but that's another thread) so I really don't feel the urge. Besides I still have 2.5 years of law school and I really don't see it happening anytime soon.

Andrea Julia · Coach

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-- Edited by Andrea Julia at 23:22, 2006-01-28

blubirde · Chanel

quote:
Originally posted by: sfclinevandy
"I think it varies for everybody. My ex (we broke up in November) and I were together 3 years and lived together the last year. He was ready to get marry but I was nervous... I always told him if tried to give me a ring I would throw it back at him. I don't know if it was him or the idea of getting married. I think it also depends where you are in your life. My ex was older then me (I'm 24, he's 27) and almost all of his friends are married so he's in that stage of his life. None of my close friends are married (several have been engaged and called off the wedding, but that's another thread) so I really don't feel the urge. Besides I still have 2.5 years of law school and I really don't see it happening anytime soon. "

That's so funny! I broke up with a long-term boyfriend (5 years!) in law school. So did a few of my really good friends. I think it's something about the stress of school and "getting real" about your life that makes you realize who and who does not fit in it. Either that or law school sucks the souls from us - probably a bit of both.

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

We were only together for 7 months when we got engaged.. Now we will have been together 3 yrs before May (when we get married). Long engagements are fun, especially since we were still getting to know each other then.

Chic · Marc Jacobs

I have been with my BF for 6 1/2 years and we talked about getting married in the first month of our relationship, we are both 28 now. We are not yet engaged and we both are anxious, but we are taking our time. We both wanted to wait till we were out of school and that took a while, then both get jobs and save enough money to buy a ring. He says March, but we will see...we hope to get married next Spring. As long as you talk about it and it is a possiblity in the future, then maybe the time isn't right. Good luck!

Lilykind · Hermes

quote:
Originally posted by: Andrea Julia
However, it really depends on your circumstances. Age and school can be a big factor in waiting. If you got together at 16, you would still be too young after even 4 years. Also, most people want to finish schooling before entering the commitment of marriage.

BF and i started dating when I was 16, and after nearly 3.5 years, neither of us is ready to consider marriage int he near future (I mean next year or two). Despite our age differences (he's 32), he admits that he's in no rush to marry and isn't really attached to the idea fo having children. We both feel the same about our relationship, in that we defintely want to be together but we don't need the validation of a ring or of a piece of paper. I realize that I may be 25 when I get married and to me, there's certainly nothing wrong with that.

Most of my friends are either older or are very mature so they're all mulling about with engagement rings planning their weddings. One of my friends is getting married this June after dating her BF for 4 1/2 years and she's 19.

blink · Coach

It depends on your age and your relationship.

I think the younger you are, the more likely you are to just be committed with no marriage. Maybe I am wrong, but I assume most women in their upper twenties and up who do want to get married someday wouldn't commit to someone unless a marriage proposal was in the near future. But if they started dating kind of young, then only decide to think about marriage later on in the relationship, then they may be catching their guy by surprise and pressuring the situation.